I don't want to forget
But my memory betrays
Everything I've held onto
Is slipping away
It's for my own good
It's been haunting me for years
Pulling at my strings
Lurking in my fears

You never gave me a reason
So I came up with a few myself
I actually came up with a lot of them
Searching for some resolve
I've come up with so many ways
So many things I've done wrong
I'll never be anything
I'll never be what you want

Sometimes I wonder just why I forget
My thoughts hold me under I can’t catch my breath
The memories that fill up my mind instead
I’m trying my best to just replace them
I want to focus on something brand new
In this boundless world of things to do
The last thing I want is to think of you
I want to forget what we’ve been through
Maybe then it’ll be easier to float
I’ll swim away from the things I wrote
I’ll break away from the things I said
I see the surface, it hasn’t found me yet

I was afraid of your fingers
Crawling in my hair
Like silent spiders
Lurking there
I was afraid of your voice
So deep and low
It was the only thing
That let me know
You were still alive
Lying at my side
I swore you were dead
Most of the time
I was so deathly afraid
Of everything you did
But most of all
I was afraid that you'd dip
And leave me here
All alone
Abandoned by fear
An empty home
I was so afraid
To displease you
That I did everything
You asked me to do
And gradually
I fell in love
With the very fear
Provoked by your touch
But just as I went
To reach out my hand
And grab hold of you
You suddenly vanished
And left me alone
With these dreary thoughts
Without that fear
I've become so lost

What happened
Between then and now
Or whenever it happened
I can't figure it out
What made you decide
That I wasnt enough?
That I wasn't worth your time?
That I wasn't worth your love?
I can't keep blaming you
For the monsters in my head
They've been around for a while
But they took over when you let
They're moving things around
Re-arranging my brain
So much has happened since you've gone
So much has changed

I want everything back
But would I really trade it all?
The times we had, good and bad
I just wish I could call
You're right here but I've pushed you away
I guess there isn't much I'd change
I know I'm so impossible to love
Afraid you'll get tired
Knowing you'll give up
So I let go before you can
There's not as much pain when the blade's in my hand

I hate any man
That looks me in the eye
In the lobby as we stand
In darkness as we lie
I despise any man
That pinches my hip
A wretched hand groping past raw, silent lips
I hate the man who thinks he must be the one
Upon my thoughts non stop when it’s all said and done
Darling don’t you know you aren’t in control of me?
Darling don’t you know I’m darker than your darkest deed?
Darling don’t you know your ******* just won’t last?
Once I’ve gotten what I need another fool has passed
Darling don’t you know those nasty hands around my throat?
They’ll beg and plead and pinch my hips
Baby please don’t go

If love is something
That cannot be changed
If it can’t be misplaced
Or taken away

If love is sure
Like a tree in the ground
And old brick buildings
Unoccupied now

If love is something that can’t be seen
Existing in places far in between
Love can be a thought
Or the seasons change
Only gone when forgotten
Love has no face
It’s beauty is unexpected
And strange in a way
Going undetected
In its hidden place

Gazing into shimmering pools
And the glittering light reflected
I dream of the love I’ll find
In things often neglected

I can't even remember the last words you said
Dead conversations
Is the message still "read"?

Karma’s a *****
You reap what you sow
I only know this
I’m good in my soul
I always mean well
Sometimes I forget
It’s just hard to tell
When your eyes are wet
I love the sunshine
And warmth of white sand
When the tears dry
I’ll hold your hand
A thousand times
I’ve thrown you away
Even still
You choose to stay

What you meant
And what you said
Unanswered questions
Fill my head
I feel so breathless
When I'm with you
Yet life's so easy
So what should I do?
Should I stay and succumb
To this fluttering in my chest
Or lay this youthful fling
To a cold, dead rest?
What you said
And what you meant
I'll leave to the stars
And hope for the best

I’m not uptight
Just afraid to be a human
What wrong what’s right
What should I be doing
What is natural
And what’s deemed odd
I follow the patterns though
I’m still not as strong
As people who are confident
And know what to say
People who have lots of friends
And don’t stare at the wall all day
I know I can break out of this
I just get so afraid
It’s easier to stay within
So the feelings won’t escape

This world seems to treat me
As low as I hang my head
I just can’t help feeling
Things are better left unsaid
If I choose to ruminate
Abiding by rules no one created
Only I will be the fool
Only then will I be mistaken
The best moments in life
Weren’t given much thought
And some of the worst
But at least they brought
Something to be said
And through it all
I realize everything starts with a thought
Maybe that was you and I
The same old thoughts going through my mind
If I say they are good thoughts they will be
It’s o k to miss you being apart of me

I love the way, even on your busiest days
You still find the words, at least something to say
You always swoop in when I’m at my worst
Like everything I’ve ever been searching for
When I’m with you it doesn’t feel bad to cry
And even still the tears won’t leave my eyes
I just get so hung up on your thoughts
Secretly wishing to know them all
The mystery will always draw me in
Old to you, new to me, it’s always been

I don’t want to be admitted again
I think I’ve just been missing my old best friend
It feels so free to be by myself
When no one can tell me I’m crazy and need help
I just tell them I’m working on things
Even if I don’t really know what that means
I’m so happy when I’m alone
When others are around it never shows
I can’t let others influence my mood
When everyone says you’re sick, what else can you do?
When everyone points the finger at you
When it’s wrong to even speak or move
Some days I just block it all out
It’s always disrespectful
Whether I’m quiet, or running my mouth

Call me Betsy
See if I give a ****
Haha let’s see
Where you’ll end up
If I outlast you
It’ll be quite fun
It probably won’t happen
So you’re in luck
You better pray
The decisions not mine
I’ll choose the ******* place I can find

I was once told

Everything starts with a thought

It was me that let go

But now that it’s done

It suddenly hurts

The emotionless divide

I’m not like her

But God knows I tried

I know you deserve

So much better than me

You say I don’t mean it

But it’s plain to see

I am dramatic

And I tell lies

What’s worse than having

A daughter despite

Everything right that you tried to do

Just turn into a monster and betray you

I don’t care what you think of me

If it’s good, if it’s bad

I can’t separate the feelings

Each one carries an expectation it seems

I had no dreams

Just who you wanted me to be

I want to die

By a fist to the face

So forceful I fly

Into the abyss of space

I want someone to punch me

As hard as they can

If my nose gets ******

It may spray on their hand

They can’t be squeamish

Or hold back

Just know that I need this

Make my world turn black

I want the bones in my face to break

I want the teeth in my mouth to cave

All I’m really trying to say

Is I hope I die in an awful way

If my thoughts consume me
I want you to know
I loved you
I loved you
I loved you so

If my thoughts consume me
And I disappear
I'll love you
I'll love you
I'll love you my dear

When my thoughts consume me
When I'm gone
My love
My love
My love will live on