There is no greater love story
Than one that eneded before it began
With a love so real and unprepared

There is no greater tragedy
Than one that was planned by the trusted
With a deciet that was unimaginably deep-rooted

It goes unparalleled
How everything fits in it's designated place
And yet be so wrongly used in it's space

It goes unquestioned
How we deem our mundane lives to be
But we never recognize the need for change
In the place of our own spite

There are these moments
the spaces of time between you and I
Where my hands clench into fists
As if trying to fill the space yours should be

Where my heart feels so full
that I wish I could give you parts of it
So that you can feel
Feel all these emotions
That lead right back to love

Where I close my eyes
and there's this serenity
Because my eyelids imagine your eyes
And my pupils dilate

Where my lips feel unkissed
because I have yet to have yours
Touch mine

Where my mind drifts and flows
right back to where you first let yourself
go with me
feel with me
be with me

And where home is
home being your radiating presence
Making the static turn
and everything is in High Definition

the definition of your entirety
of you
with me
in a blissful limbo
down by the river
watching the lights
hearing the people
experiencing life
within and without

It was in the way
you made me feel special
Then ran away

It was in the way
you told me my eyes sparkled
While they were dead

It was in the way
you tried to stand by me
But gave up halfway

It was in the way
I was a failure at making you happy
That made you leave me

It was in the way
you never truly left me
But you never actually stayed

It was in the way
I asked you if you loved me
With tears in my eyes

It was in the way
you pretended I had not asked you
A single questioned and walked away

It was in that way
That I understood
That no one could love somebody like me

It was all in that span of 90 seconds

The first was a smile -
It wasn't special or expected
  It was just a second
Fleeting but true
Yet it was a lie

The second was a crinkle by your eye -
A small movement
  Usually overlooked
But it meant the world
To more than just you

The third was a touch -
Just a brush
  Enough to enrapture
Almost crackling
Like there was more to it

I've been told that we should never compare ourselves to things that we don't understand because the mystery behind our souls is an incomparable enigma that can only be unlocked by keys that we might never find since they're scattered in the hearts and minds of those we have never met and may never meet again. And while I've been lounging around some of the most controversial places in my mind, you've been losing yourself in your own without a thought as to how it would inadvertently carve itself into the walls I've tried to keep upright over the years but maybe, the walls I have are made of bamboo and you're a tornado I never saw coming and while I live nowhere near the ocean, I am shipwrecked and sending smoke signals screaming your name through the winds you've created in my otherwise weathered island in the midst of the Forgotten Ocean in between the avenues of corals you could have never imagined to experience the same way you experience each climb you take towards a heaven that isn't anywhere besides on the back of your hand which needs the warmth only forest fires can provide while simultaneously creating a greenhouse of the flowers I have never received as a parting gift from Mother Earth. The parcels that you send my way are lost amidst your thoughts and you've built a wall sturdier than mine with metal parts and concrete but I have always been a pavement artist that's been impartial to empty walls so I've been dedicating the hours I have left to making your home into a museum that could challenge the Louvre. Though I never said that my fingers were gifted to bring beauty and heartbreaking combinations of grays and blues so please accept my apology if I make a mess on the walls you might never be strong enough to see but know that my intentions are as pure as the pearls that are formed under the Dead Sea and that I will be the ghost of Christmas Past you will never have the displeasure to meet.
  
                                                                            (m.e.)

It was trusting - The kind where you let yourself float
                             in the ocean with the knowledge that
                             the water surface wouldn't let you sink

It was release - The kind where you could let go of the rope
                           and enjoy the wind in your hair as you freefall
                           without ever landing the wrong way

It was ignorance - The kind where you put yourself in the
                                spotlight not realising the audience were
                                in their seats because they were obligated
                                not because they were willing

It was struggling - The kind where you went too far ahead and started
                                 sinking into quicksand, trying so hard to get yourself
                                 out that you didn't see outstretched hands surround

It was silence - The kind where you notice the elephant
                           in the room but refused to acknowledge
                           the distance between you and them

It was isolation - The kind where the ocean had grown too vast
                              to be crossed with all you have left when the
                              storm passes

It was letting go - The kind where acceptance has settled
                                in your bones and you see the uncrossed
                                distance that could've been overcome if
                                there were words instead of space

It was reminiscing - The kind where the memories, although
                                    tainted, make you miss the belonging and
                                    the ties left severed and forgotten

It was wishing - The kind where I would see your from
                             a premeditated distance and know that
                             neither of us cared enough to build a bridge
                             and neither of us left saying what we needed
                             to tell the other.

There's been a lot of debate lately. Something about the whisper and another about ghost limbs and ghost touch and all I can truly say is that winter was warmer than it ever was this year and summer was downright chilly. Things haven't been going the right way up or the right way down and it just feels like an envelope of air that I can't escape, a sterile environment that leaves skin untouched and hearts unblemished by the difficulty of opening your eyes with the rising of the sun. And it all started when you turned away and with every step you took in that direction flowers wilted on the other side of the world when they ought to have been blooming and the ice caps dripped into the ocean, it triggered the spontaneous combustion of a leaf atop some place in the amazon and a butterfly flew into the window. I know I could tell you that the correlation between every step you took and these bizarre events in nature didn't exist but it just isn't how I see it. Bad things happen every day but they echoed over and over and over and over the day you stopped looking at me like I had stars in my eyes. You clenched your fists and it was like you had my heart in your palm that day. Then there was the day the sky fell and the clouds cried and the sun screamed through the winds; it was also the day you walked away. The day the ground fell away. And since then I've been breathing in ash and drinking poison in an effort to wash away my grief. Since then the sky has turned blue and black and yellow. Since then the glass is always emptied and the bed is never made. You were the chains the bound and the scissors in the opening ceremony. I was never a searing footprint in the ground, I was only a faded picture tacked on the cork board in your childhood home that you burnt down years ago.

Once, you said you liked me
Once, you said you loved me
Once, I chose to believe it
But now, it's been cast under the duvet
of a bed I no longer sleep on
in a room, I no longer belong

Once, I said I liked you
Once, I said I loved you
Once, I actually meant it
But now, it's simply a remembrance
Of what I used to think was real
But you lied, and that sealed the deal

How many times have you been down this road?
The flickering lampposts,
the littered sidewalks,
the uneven road

How many times have you seen that same reflection
in the abandoned shop window?
The lost faces,
the crushed spirit,
the lack of life

How many times have you heard this song play?
The repetition,
hushed whispered undertones,
the reminder of him
of them

How many times have you danced to this tune?
The rifts and crescendos,
lilting melodies,
tales of sin in a hymn

And I find myself looking for windows that show me something different,
something that drags light from lampposts and let's it seep into my soul.
Although I know that the hands that do so exist separately from my plane,
there's a glimmer, or rather a spark that starts a fire in the middle of the woods.
The smoke travels through my veins into the empty spaces in my mind and it
brings back a clarity within the cloud of reckless indecision forced upon me.
Where the simplest wisps of illusion create a reality that begins within a reality
while wide awake and knotted in creeping vines rooting me to an idea of oblivion.
And maybe that is what we search for amidst the pain of living in a Dreamer's domain;
Creation in the ashes of destruction the same way volcanic eruptions fertile soil
and the same way disasters bring us closer to love than the miracles ever will.
Perhaps the enigma of existence is simply breathing in the sulfur and knowing
without a doubt that life without something that can end it is as meaningless
as knowledge without an essence of beauty and passion to ignite a dying soul.
And you find yourself looking past window panes and opening doors leading
to the definition of nowhere to find an anchor to the limitless possibilities
when the only question that needs to be answered and the only answer to be found
is within the walls and intangible elasticity of an uncontrolled mind.

(m.e.)

Your eyes are red,
I can tell it's gotten to you again
The weight of the world
The weight of her pain
The weight of your family

Spreading your arms
trying to take in as much as you can
The crippling words
The thundering cries
The heave of expectations

Your hands are shaking
it's hard to hold on to reality
Slipping in and out
Tripping over, falling under
Dragging around

Just hold on
I know it doesn't seem it'll be alright
But just
Hold on

He picked me up in his dad's car and drove around without any idea of where we were to go.
There was a deepness in him that I wanted to fall into but I chalked it up to loneliness on my part.
We spent the first half a friendly distance and as the evening got colder and the rain got heavier, I let him hold my hand.
And he did so, without question, willingly for the longest time.
I made a joke that he was just using me for my warmth and so I wouldn't smack him but with the smoothness and innocence of untouched velvet he said he'd just never held hands so soft.
I was almost floored.
And he continued saying our hands just fit together, which they did.
I could barely think.
We left the car and walked in the rain and watched the sunset.
When we got back to the car we just hung around it, talking, laughing, making jokes.
And as the conversation got serious, he looked at me, tugged on my hand and said come here.
Then he held me; and there was a tenderness as much as there was an urgency, like I would disappear if he let me go.
That was when I couldn't help but let my guards down, when I let myself find comfort in his hold on me.
It's now the day after Christmas and I miss him already.

You steal my breath the same way you try to steal my soul
And while the nights are empty, your hands are far from cold
I've been waiting for a long time to look into your eyes
But I was wrong about the oceans you had trapped inside

Some girls talk about buzzing bees and raging hormones
But all I think about is the way you became infatuated with my words
I'd be a liar if I said yours didn't create an inviting discomfort
I'd be a liar if I claimed that I do not feel the safety you provide

There's been an unending storm at the bottom of my glass
And you had a knack for turning a hurricane into a drizzling pipe
I'm not the type of girl to fall for sweaters and scented candles
But I'd be a liar if I said you were a feat I could handle

The thought of making you smile fills me with a nagging dread
It's not a terrible thing but too mich has already been said
And I know that time exists in seconds and for once it's too soon
But I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't falling in love with you

There used to be a time when each breath was clear of ash
When my hands weren't bloodied with someone else's pain
I didn't fully comprehend just how long I've been on this train
How long my lungs have been at a standstill
It's been awhile since I've been able to see
through the frosted windows and it's been even longer
since I've wanted to do more than just
watch the world pass me by

I remember a time when smiles weren't forced
and the only real evil was not having pancakes for dinner
I've missed the warmth of an embrace and the
comfort of having someone else's hand in mine

There were times where it felt like the ice crust over the bluebells on my favourite field

There were times where the air felt thin and my hands would shake from the sheer force of the wind

There were times when my heart drowned in such intimate sorrow I could barely make out the horizon

There were times where the short glimpses of light would reflect off the dew and I could taste the sweetness

There were times when the blizzard would catch my hair and everything seemed out of control

I'd take one step... Then another one...

One day, the sky was calm and the scratches riddling my arm would be at the peak of healing

One day, I heard laughter and shared laughter with people who shared and loved and gave and wanted simplicity

One day, the appreciation for joy, beauty and creativity breached the walls of my heart

One day, I found you again.

One day, I felt like I could breathe again.

I had seen you. I laughed by your side. I felt your warmth. I was next to you. I was with you. I experienced having your hand in mine again. I lived again.

Through all the necessary pain. Through all the lost time.
Through all those empty nights when it felt like you were missing from me.

None of it mattered anymore because I came home.

It wasn't within the days that I lost you
It wasn't in the breaks where I was without you

It was when you were holding my hand
It was when I was close to you
but I was so far away
I was so so far away

It wasn't when I yelled at you
It wasn't the moment tears streamed because of you

It was when I looked into your eyes and they were empty
It was when you told me you loved me
but I saw the crinkle in your left eye
it was telling
it was so so telling

lay down my heart for the night
lay down my soul
lay me down in the ocean
lat me sink into the cold

There's fire in my veins;
A searing touch
A heated look
A molten desire

He asked me what I wanted
And with a heady breath I said
"I want to be consumed,
I want to be desired
I want what is carnal
And I want what is irresistible

I want the untameable;
The raw, unfettered truth
I want the unattainable;
The simple, uncontrollable need"

Warm breath on cold skin
Long nights of sin
He asked me again
What it was I wanted
And I told him
I want want
and desire unencumbered

I want to be consumed
Every breath, every touch, every thought
The same way flames lick at their surroundings
The way water fills every empty space
The way air swathes into endless vacuums

When earth is pressured and heated
It creates diamonds
I want to be consumed

We were in a moving car
And I was thrown out mid journey
Unsuspectingly
Probably deservedly

We built it from nothing
We put love in it
We made a plan for the trip
But it changed

It changed so fast
I can barely catch my breath
It changed so fast
I can feel every broken part of me

The wind knocked the breath from my lungs
The impact...
The impact never ends
When one pain ends another starts

A life I planned to have
A life I wished and dreamed
A split second
It was all gone

Gone
It doesn't exist anymore
We built this car with love
So much love

So much pain
So much grief
We were on a journey
And I was thrown out

Nights and days blend
The pain doesn't end.
The pain doesn't end.
I was left

Broken. Alone.
Only indifference
Trying to walk home
In the dead of night

A risk.
So much faith.
It was so beautiful.
It was so... breathtaking.

In that moment between night and day
I almost forget.
Almost.
Then the pain settles in my bones again

But I can't make you love me.
I can't make you love me if you don't.
I hope your journey goes well
Maybe I'll meet you half way

I hope I live to see the day
I hope I can breathe again
I hope... I hope you're at peace

day 1 - I was looking for your handprint in the leaves so I could have something to hold on to when I'm drowning in the sea.

day 7 - you kept your hand an inch away but along ē same phase as her breathing in hopes that one day you'd have her whispers in your chest.

day 13 - you huddle in the corner so the walls can hold you the way he used to. It's cold again and your fingertips are blue.

day 27 - they say that all ē walls look the same no matter how many times you blink & that stories are lies but you know better, don't you?

day 32 - his voice never leaves and every step you take is another reminder of him whispering to you that he never loved you.

day 46 - you're tripping over the roots of your fears and, darling, at this rate you'll never be able to outrun yourself or him or them.

day 54 - we sit across from each other without even noticing the oceans that crash into us and the ripped fabric between our eyes.

day 61 - I've caught the dreams of you and of almosts. Of reaching and barely touching fingertips. Of longing and denial. Of stepping stones and emotions that ricochet.

day 79 - they were your eyes & the natural order of things. Of us orbiting in a Higgs-Bosson type of way & we're still waiting for when we inevitably collide.

day 85 - I was staring at my hands wondering how long it was going to take me to get used to the lack of yours holding them

day 98 - hearing voices overlap the wallpaper and I haven't stopped inhaling smoke and choking on my own tears since you walked away

day 103 - they didn't see it but it's always been there,

day 108 - there are flames in our hands we can't extinguish alone

day 119 - I thought you would cherish my heart in your hands

day 127 - the walls are covered in ash and so are my lungs

day 132 - the whispered promises are on the surface of my skin

day 136 - I feel a breath of life every time you look me in the eyes and nothing could ever replace that feeling

day 144 - its like no matter how far I wander I end up back in your arms

day 159 - happiness, bliss and repeat

day 167 - you had both feet planted to grow roots for our future, this time it's forever

day 182 - the reflections in your eyes were always warm, but on this summer day they were quite far away

day 217 - our laughter doesn't echo anymore, it's always a silence

day 235 - even when you hold my hand, I barely feel your heartbeat, what is happening, my love? Where did you go?

day 270 - it's like the ocean wants to swallow me whole, will you pull me out? how far did you go?

day 302 - I can barely speak, we've been yelling for hours. I'm sorry, my love. What did I do?

day 327 - our picture frames fell in slow motion, there was a glass bottle in your hand. What do you need, my love? How can we mend?

day 344 - I looked into your eyes today, but you weren't there. There was no warmth in your touch today, I feel bare.

day 365 - you walked out the door today, a suitcase in hand. Was my love not enough? Was I the one who let us fade?

I keep wandering this same path. Where I meet you and I fall in love then I lose you. It's  like a cassette stuck on one side. I saw myself cry, when I thought of what my wedding vows would be if we ever reached that point in our lives. And while the tears stream down my face, you'd lift a hand and you'd wipe the tears and you'd take me in your arms. Then you'd whisper, "I'm here."

Let me tell you a story about two very broken people. It started with an invitation to a table. I saw you and I thought to myself, "I want to know him." At the time, I didn't know that I would get what I had asked for. I was young. Naive. Foolish.

It was love and loss and love and loss and love and loss and now there's nothing left but cigarette ash and a deafening silence I never thought I'd feel this deeply. I gave love on a silver platter and it was left on the sacrificial altar. By the time they tried to get it back, I could no longer provide that same love.

It's like being home and getting lost again. But I wouldn't trade it for any other.

I haven't breathed easy in awhile
I keep my words hidden
My voice soft
I keep my thoughts silent
My smiles strong

Conversations were on the surface
Touch was only superficial
Never go in too deep, I told myself
Never let yourself drown

I haven't felt relaxed in awhile
They call it hypervigilance
I told him I was just observant
Guessing and second guessing
You and me and them

Closeness was artificial
Connection kept at a distance
Never get too close, I said
Broken and unbroken never again

I haven't breathed easy in awhile
The breaths I take are deep and heavy
Each step laden with weights
but light and soft and quiet
This is how I survive, this is how I survive

No, no it was never easy
The ease you see is curated
The ease you observe is practiced
Keep it light, I remind myself
Keep it muted

Oh, but I want to live
I want to breathe
I want to relax
And I wish it were that easy
I truly wish it was easy

I thought I had it
For a moment I thought
This is how I want to be loved
This is the kind of love I want

I overlooked so many things.
I ignored so many flags.
I glazed over so many wrongs.

I thought I had it
For a moment, just for a moment,
I was loved.
I was cared for.
I had... someone

But I'm laying in the dark
Questioning my reality
Flipping through my memories
Dissecting my words
Reviewing my actions
Over and over and over

I'm sitting up at 3:16am
Asking myself if I even deserve to be loved
Wondering if I deserve to be cared for
Do I deserve... someone?

Is this love?
No. No, it isn't.
But this is familiar
The doubt, the hurt, the emptiness
The overexplanations, the silence

I dont want to fight
I dont want to argue
I dont want to yell

I want laughs under the stars
I want kindness and softness
I want balance, firm ground

I thought this was supposed to be love
But no,
No, it isn't.

I love you
But I'm not in love with you anymore
And maybe it's better this way

I'll look upon our memories fondly
I'll think only the best of things
Of the time you sat by me in silence
Of how you were my best friend

I won't feel the pain so deeply
I won't think of being let down
I won't shed anymore tears
The pain won't spread across my chest

Distance will be good for us
  You'll barely notice I'm gone

Space will be best for us
  And our hearts won't grow fond

It's time, I'll remind myself
It's finally time

Time to let you go.
Time to wish you the best.
I'll whisper it in the evening,
You'd never have to know.

It spreads,
From your throat to your chest
Down your arms to your finger tips
Into your lungs, over your diaphragm

You're drowning
You can't breathe
And the only thing your body does
Is have tears stream down your face
You can't breathe

You're in the ocean
And you're drowning
There is no life raft
There is no hand to hold
No one is pulling you to shore

You're not safe
You're not whole
You're not fixed

It spreads,
From your chest to your stomach
Down your legs to your toes
Over your spine, under your knees

The walls fall away
The floor is not holding you
Your breath gets caught
You can't breathe
You can't breathe

I am not safe
I am not whole
I am not fixed

But I'll try to live

The walls are so thin, i can hear you scream
The walls are so thin, i can almost feel your fear on my skin
It's not the end yet, love
I'm right here
I'm right here

The room is so cold, i don't know if you're still there
The room is so cold, i hope you're warmer than i am
It's not the end yet, love
We will survive this
We will survive this

The roof is leaking, my throat is so dry
The roof is leaking, I can't feel my hands
I heard the whispers
You'll be free soon
You'll be free soon

They came for you, im still behind this wall
They came for you, they didn't know i was here
My eyes are tired...
I'm glad you're safe
I'm glad you're safe

It's within your right
To choose to be alone on that last day

But I want to stay,
Let me hold your hand,
Let me stroke your hair,
Let me whisper the words
You don't want me to say

You think me reckless,
But I want to be
I can almost see
The wispy dreams of
What we could have been

You think me absurd,
For taking on such pain
But if it's all the same
I choose to care for you
With no regrets

I want to stay,
Let me share a smile,
Let me have one last laugh,
Let me feel the joy
That I could have had if I had a lifetime

You and me in our little cottage,
A little black cat between us,
You kiss me on my forehead,
I lean into you
"Thank you for being here.

Thank you for seeing me,
Thank you for making me smile,
Thank you for taking care of me,
Thank you.

You can go, I'll be okay
You can go, I'll remember you always
You can go, I'll be just fine
You can go, I'll see you again when it's my time

Goodbye, with love."

That's exactly what it was. With walls draped in tapestries of golden thread and platters of beautiful meals that were tasteless. Like a prized bird, for the eyes to see and the ears to hear but never for its embrace of life. Never for that singular sparkle or that breath of purity.

A ghost of a crown jewels and mystical *****. Like a shadow of what once was majestic and desired, shrouded by the chains that hold.

It feels like I've been wandering
No true destination, taken where my feet bring me
Sometimes I feel soft grass
Other times, its glass

The echoes of conversation
play and replay and rewind
I can't make out what they're saying
but maybe if i just keep moving... keep moving

There's this feeling in my hollow chest
I can't tell if it's a sob or laughter
What does it even mean to feel
Does any of it even matter?

Every colour I see is alive,
every picture is another story - is that alive?
I keep wandering, maybe if I keep walking
How do I live this life...

It's always raining
I don't know where I'm going
I can hear myself breathing
I'll just keep moving... keep moving

It feels like I'm running out of words
Outside the clouds, it's very jarring
Should I rest for awhile...
no, I'll keep moving

What does it mean to be lost?
Will I ever find it again?
My hands are shaking
I'm going to keep moving