I have come to realize
on this very first of a stormy winter night,
shivering alone at my stacked desk,
that our relationship is a childish defense mechanism.

We fool around, curse each other out.
We share secrets like no two best friends ever do.
We sing our soulless hearts out to rock bands
with suicidal guitarists, comfortably evading our feelings.

"What a childish defense mechanism!" I hear myself say.
I never once wrote poetry for you
for fear it might elope into something out of control.
I was not ready for that. I am not still.
And I'm yet unsure I ever will be.

But ******, I just had to get it down on paper for once.
And I detest being stuck in this hazy, grayish aura
of it never being truly white, but not really black either.

And my thoughts are mimicking the weather tonight,
cloudy and thunderous, yet utterly breathtaking.
I think I might love you one day just as much as I love winter.

I say hello and smile
At the same man every day
Never more words shared
Than can be said while walking by
I like him more than everyone else
I don't know what he thinks
Or what he feels
Or what keeps him up at night
Or the wounds that lie beneath his smile
And that is just perfect for me
He can't be ruined
And he cannot ruin me
I have never known a good love
I have never loved very well
So I consider these hello's
To be the most lovely words
Ever spoken
Such a small happiness
In dreaming a small dream

When the moon descends and takes you in it's grasp
knowing you must go but still you ask,
swallowed by the bloated night sky, the promise of a future near gone,
but in the darkness your hope still shone

I love you, and so does everyone else
oh what I'd give to steal your degrading health
asking the Lord why, why can't he just set you free
why did he give you cancer when he could've given it to me?

I've lived 20 years of life and experienced it all,
you're only 15 and are yet to discover more,
the unfairness is sickening, unjust and cruel,
but heartbreak seems to be life's golden rule

our loving god has taken everything before my eyes
ignorant to the pain and suffering, ignorant to my mother's cries
now here I am, breaking up over pathetic thoughts and creases
as the Pariah of Death blows our lives to pieces.

*[soon to be glittering in the nights sky above, a distant world afar,
your voice singing upon the wind - good night my new killer star]

I'm lost, lost in the never ending loop of yearning for something. I can't place it. Material gains will only bring me a set amount of joy for it is what I want rather than what I need. I am empty. Emotions don't feel like they used to. I don't feel like I used to. I want to feel.