Darkness surrounds.
A candle flickers
in the mirror’s reflection—

A glimpse of your eyes,
no more than twelve,
nose to nose
with your own shadow.

Say the name.
The legend says
the demon will appear.

One time.
Two times.
Three times… more.

Until your future self
stares back at you.

Would a rose by any other name be as sweet?
Would a rose gifted by another sweep me off of my feet?
Would the fragrant scent make me so softly weak?

Never have I ever been one for flowers,
Their allure held but for a few hours,
A vibrant life for temporary display,
Before they drop all their petals, wilt away.

A perspective from closed eyes open to see,
Finding sincerity in the twelve before me,
Watching their flirtatious shadows dance
As the petals sway to the breezes romance

Studying their intricate details,
Have I never read the story each rose tells?
Sewn into the earth, cared for, tended to,
Their history of love, unfolding in bloom
Like books unfurling pages, one by one
Each petal a testament to the tenderest love

I imagine his eyes, the warmth of his heart
For a moment their stories and my own were of one part.
Gifted with the purest intentions, a hopeful beginning
From those hands seeking love, never-ending

So would a rose by any other name be as sweet?
If from the hands of the one who gifted them to me.

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for i have lived in love

it is not with my eyes i see
it is not with my ears i hear
it is not with my hands i feel
for i have lived in love

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for i have lived in love

i have seen your smile shine
i have heard your laughter sing
i have felt your arms keep
for i have lived in love

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for i have lived in love

my heart still sees you
my heart still hears you
my heart still feels you
for i have lived in love

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for my heart has lived in love
and i shall live in my hearts memory

I need to see more, love more, hate more,
Be broken more, have my soul ripped out,
And then ripped from wherever it was tossed to,
I need to mourn, and become tired,
I need to shine and outshine until the light is blinding.

I need to explore and feel and think,
And breathe just a little deeper,
A little more effortlessly, a little more passion-driven,
And full-blooded, I need to be more headstrong and wild,
I need to be old and young and all the in-between.

I need to live and die and be reborn,
And read, read everything front to back,
And cover to cover, in every language,
In every color, I need to listen and absorb,
Until life and death are all in one.

Until my ears bleed and my bones are brittle,
Until my cvnt is worn and my heart torn,
And sewn so many times it’s a solid rock of scars,
I need to be everything good, bad, beautiful,
Devilish and pure… so I can be a better writer.

I am angry.
I am angry that my body fought to fill my flesh, to be enough for you.
My heart - it knew.
It knew in the way it sank, heavy in my stomach,
Weighted by every critical word.
And when I told you, stop, please stop, it hurts,
You mocked me. You made me the victim.
Told me I wasn’t strong enough,
That your words were not sticks and stones,
That they could not break my bones.
But they broke.

I look back at every time I begged -
Please, just see me.
Don’t find pleasure belittling me.
Don’t make yourself big by making me small.
Don’t use words you wouldn’t say to a friend.
Don’t scream in rage those cruel names .
But they spilled like chemicals,
and they burned.
I pleaded - Please stop, it hurts,
and you refused.
Even as I whispered I’m sorry when I wasn’t wrong and you weren’t right,
Even when my feelings were real,
You twisted my words until I doubted what I knew.

Now, I lay in bed, restless.
Your voice still lingers, gnawing at the edges of my thoughts.
Why did I have to fight just to be?
Did you ever even love me?

I want to lock my body away, never let a man touch me again.
I fight because I can still feel your hands on my skin.
And when I kissed your lips, I betrayed my own.
Your lips scorned and scolded,
Spat profanities, but I forgave.
I forgave, and I moved with you in love.
I placed my hands in yours,
Caressed your palms,
Shared breaths with breaths,
Rose and fell with you.
And how we rose.
And how we fell.

And I let you come inside.
I let you come inside.

I dusted off my corners,
Showed you my trinkets and knickknacks,
Pieces I saved for special moments -
Like falling in love.

I trusted you.
I pulled the box from beneath my bed,
Let you see the things I kept hid,
The imperfect parts you didn’t want to know.
I showed them to you because I needed you to see me - whole.

I saw more scorn in your eyes,
Transforming into my protected inner child,
The familiar way you looked down on me,
As if I was something rotting, covered in flies.
I had laid myself bare -
All my beauty, all my brokenness -
And you judged.

So I gathered those pieces, swept them away,
Let them fall into the dustpan,
Tossed them out, one by one,
Until there was nothing left to critique.
Until there was nothing left of me.

Except the one I protect inside,
Who felt the trembling as his mother cried.
Who heard your words in screaming rage,
That pierced through like knives.
Who felt your hands that terrified,
That bruised my body you covered with lies.

And I am angry.

My heart is soft
You would never know
From the outside I’m stone
And on the inside I crumble
To think of you,
                  only you

“All I wanted to do in my painting, the story I wanted to tell was: Look around you; they’re still here.” - Vincent Valdez

Years ago, I stood in front of it,
Anger, sickness, heartbreak,
All at once.

This is modern day.
Men in fancy watches,
Women in nice jewelry,
Holding their children.
In the background, a new truck,
One on his smartphone.

Angry, they hid behind robes,
Faces unseen, hidden, uncalled out.
Angry at their entitlement,
White, racist, arrogant.
Angry, knowing they were just a part
Of a bigger, uglier whole.

Disgusted, this was their normal,
Walking society's paths,
Believing their false superiority.
Disgusted, upper-class arrogance & bigotry,
Feeling more entitled, undeserved.
Disgusted, holding their children,
Teaching hate instead of love.

A grandmother walked in,
With daughter and granddaughter,
Seven, maybe.
This grandmother, strength personified,
A history facing all phases of prejudice.
The daughter, resentful,
Hardened acceptance,
Knowing this is our world.
The youngest, bright-eyed,
Clueless to the view,
Happy and innocent,
Listening to her Grandmother’s and Mother’s words,
Eyes uncertain, back and forth,
Until the words and the painting settled in,
Turning innocent eyes hollow & dark,
Shifting her spirit.

I broke, walked away,
Stomach churning, heart aching.
What is it like to be judged,
For just existing,
In a world so prejudiced?
I imagine so much like this moment.

I wanted to hug them,
To say it will be okay,
But I’m a white stranger,
And I know it isn’t.

Fixing this goes deeper
Than government’s reach.
Racism taught to infants,
Raised to hate, a cycle unbroken.

I watched George Floyd,
Helpless in the face of it.
Engraved racism, an impossible fight.

Yet, I see many stand,
Speak up, come together,
And in that, I find hope.

My body is weighted
And my bones ache
But my mind is wandering
And my soul misplaced

(I can’t sleep….)

Traveling to the only
place of comfort
It has ever known

I’m falling.


( Shh.)

there is something beautiful about a memory
that reaches from the pit of your stomach
latches onto your heart
and pulls it under your lungs
placing you in a moment
that once saturated the marrow of your bones

when you close your eyes you can
feel, see, and be just as it was
with carrots, a park bench, the night sky,
a bottle of spanish wine
and his arms cradling you against
the chilling wind

it takes you so deeply into
the inscription he carelessly carved
across the back of your eyes that
when you open them again and exhale
you find it fogging the midsummer air
releasing the very breaths you took
by his side

The world doesn't stop
when your heart breaks.
It keeps on moving
But it turns into a blur around you.
You don't feel time passing
although it passes.
Nothing is clear
Not why
Not how.
Reason is empty.
Your body turns heavy and
uncontrollably trembles.
Until the trembling
knots your insides so tightly
it knocks you to your knees.
Your eyes pour salty rivers
down your face until
your clothes are soaked.
Until your cheeks burn.
But this pain and
the burn
and your tears
don't matter.
When it comes down to it all
None of it matters
Not time.
Not the world.
Not you or them
Or tomorrow.
All that you feel is
this hole inside your chest
where love used to exist.
You shake.
You repeat
over and over again
"I'm sorry"
as if their soul
can hear you
"I'm sorry"
because you
couldn't save them.
The world wants you to
get up and keep living.
But for you,
all you want is
to go back into the moment
where life wasn't cold.
Where eyes weren't glazed.
Before sleep which
never wakes.
Before the heart break.

I wanted to
give you the world
but all I have
are these
two small hands
and they
only hold so much

You push and you pull
Like a rubber band
You say all the right things
But you don’t understand
Why I pull away
And want to hold your hand
You think I’m just free
But you don’t really know me
I’m not ready
To fall so hard
You keep coming
For pieces of my heart
I guess I’m enough
When you want me
But im not enough
When she’s on your mind

—

You stretch and recoil
Like a taught rubber band
Articulating perfect words
Failing to understand
You wonder why I retreat
While longing for your hand
You imagine I’m careless and free
Never truly seeing me

Unprepared to tumble, deep
Yet you persistently seek
Fragments of my heart
I seem enough when you desire
But falter in your eyes
When her shadow conspire

—

How many ways can I write this?

Your light is beautiful,
and mine is glum.
In your eyes, I find
sensations my estranged blood
has never felt—
to touch, to love…
a soul unselfishly,
for no other reason than to love.

I want to place my frostbit hands
upon your beating chest
and ****** you away,
or might I chain your hands
and take you with me.

I could pull you into my gale,
a hostage of my lonely curiosity,
but I’m afraid—so afraid that your light
will fill the empty, gaping blackness,
and your gentle breaths
will calm my feral winds.

You alone will effortlessly transpose
the thunder of my bones,
and I will assent that only your nearness
can bring the calm to the eye of my storm.

But what follows when you
tire of breaking my weathers?
When your chains rust into reddish ash
and I can no longer keep you, my love?

I can’t imagine this place will ever be
as fair as it was with you,
and I can only foresee that
which will become of me.

For when the day does break,
and I find myself alone,
when the silence of your absent lungs
deafens my troubled mind,
my storm will surge again.

And as the black clouds surround,
I will bring my withered hands
before me and remove the foolish eyes
that once lost themselves in you.

So there are two sunken holes
inside my skull.

I will cut through my sternum
and rip my dour heart from my chest.
I will undress from my flesh
and pull the nerves you once caressed.

And my naked soul will dig a grave
and settle into the dark.

I was 8 years old
   crying in my room
I couldn't remember your face
   and I couldn't call you
I knew you wouldn't understand
   I knew you didn't care
too drunk to even
   come around
And I saw you
   in front of our broken house
you walked up to me
    and I could smell you
***** on your breath
   before you were even
close enough to touch
   then you kissed me a
thousand kisses
   all over my face
                    * I felt so ******
I didn't want to believe
   this was you
because you ****
   and I hated that you
       were no good
never
   a good mother
never
   a good friend
but your lips would lie
   with careless love
it's okay... I knew
   you meant only pretend

I miss you
Before i knew all of your broken parts
Before you took me apart piece by piece
And analyzed my heart

I miss you
Before I lost the kindness in your eyes
Before words that cut through me
Sharp & jagged twisting knives

I miss you

I could always
say more with you.

I feel like
pressing myself
into a book
and
giving it to you to read.

Open the door.

I’ll be here when you do.

I’ll be here to let you back in.

You won’t get lost.

I won’t let you.

The monster isn’t real—

but the pain is.

The wounds you carry
beneath
 your perfect armor

are real.

Can you hold the mirror

without shattering it?

Can you see into your own eyes

the way I do?
Can you believe

the way I still do?

I can’t carry you.

But I can stay.

I can wait—

days, months, years, or lifetimes—

right here, at the threshold.

And when you find your way back,
I’ll be here,

watching as the handle turns
to see your face again.
He’ll be waiting too,
to hold his tiny hand.

And when you’re here—

on this side

where I’ve cradled him in my arms,
And closed my eyes

again and again

to hope,
to hope,

to hope—

I will hold you,
as if you’ve been gone forever.
I will not ask questions—
but I will read into your eyes,
as they’ve always spoken unsaid words.

And I will carry all they show me,
like remembered lullabies.

And mine will tell you back,
in the gentlest ways they can,
that you were always loved.

She follows you

Because you welcome her in

You send out fancy invitations

With calligraphic RSVPs

And wax stamped seals

You sprits them with the
Smell
 of your heartbeat 

And cradling arms

dare you not to risk

letting herself deny

The memory of  “we”

Dare you not let any sense

Ever evoked be

Forgotten


You sit patiently in hand

With understanding and silence

With independence and      love
*
Secretly lusting

For the moment

She rests her delicate feet

Firmly at your door

And you open with      
*Satisfaction
There she is

Ever so fragile

With her tear stained face

Needing you

Making you feel worthy

Giving you her life

Her breath

Her body 
            
that she unselfishly

Throws under you

For you

Dirtying linens

Where purity once lay

Taking your fill
Another piece of her empty
lonely soul
Weak fragile...and all yours


And you wonder why
She screams for you
   You say she can't let go
          
               Of course she can't darling

I hate Dallas
But the hotels nice
Well, at least the view is
See it?
Beautiful isn’t it.
That was earlier today.
Now I’m here
Just standing here ****
In front of this window
I’m wishing someone to see me
For a good laugh
Or
Maybe they will muster up the courage to come knock on my door
Even with the Do Not Disturb Sign hanging from the ****
It’s something about hotels that gets me thinking this way
Out of sorts and more so in the gutter
To think of all the love made between these walls
Passionate - married, unmarried, one night stands, flings…
the good, the bad, and the really REALLY bad
I imagine more of the third
I’m not this way at home
I lay content in my cotton sheets with the occasional hum of a car passing
But here, in this hotel looking out 26 stories above the city
All I want is you…against me
Until the sun rises
Where we will carry on
Go back to our lives
In silence

You found me on the floor again not wearing anything
I'm so sorry baby sometimes I just get weak
I didn't mean to scare you
yes, I can hear you

You fill me up with honey and tell me it's gonna be fine
We'll get through this together, You're not alone this time.
Yes, I can hear you
I just can't feel you - at all

You don't know what's in my head It's like I'm losing ground
For a moment I'm up just to crash back down
I can't seem to handle my own two feet
I get so ****** tired and I feel so weak

Yea I know I'm moving slow but Im trying my best
I don't need your angry tone on top of this burden on my chest
It's not good enough for you
but it's the best I can do

Two feet on the floor again I think I've lost my mind
The whole world's gone a blur, No, I'm not alright
My hands are shaking, I'm going crazy
It's hard enough to just get by
I know it makes you angry
So, I'll turn my head while I cry

You say baby look at me and I stare right into you
You say baby listen to me and I am listening to you
But you're miles away
We're miles away

Two feet on the floor again, no, I'm not alright

I’m sorry you choose not to be there
Or to be there when he is born,
when eternity folds into itself
and he takes his first tiny breath
I’m sorry you won’t hear his cry,
The small, precious sound
You won’t see the way he fits
perfectly into my arms.
I’m sorry you won’t witness how love arrives
without asking permission
he will be loved with every bit of my own.
He will grow surrounded in safety and beauty.
In your absence,
he will never be without wonder.
But it breaks something in me
to know you chose not to stand beside him
that you choose not to stand in that room
when the world made room
for just him, my tiny darling.

I believe
women
are much more beautiful
than men

Whether you
look from the
outside in
or pull their flesh in
and expose them
inside out

I think
from now on
I will love only women.

I may be silent
but my heart will
deafen you

You have
cut yourself open
and displayed your
naked soul

I sit in silence
trying to
decipher what is before me

Above the pain of
your organs
flowing out of
your bone and flesh
is the deafening ringing
in your ears
from my still tongue

Looking to me
for a sign of
any recognition

All I show you
is a voiceless distance

Burning nightlights,
shining galaxies away.
A secondhand
is still.
The ticking of a beating heart—
softened now.

The universe
drops a single tear.
A mother’s hand
against her womb.
Butterflies sink
into cotton sheets.
Poetic words
transcend in rhythm.

He’ll know
the moon.

I've become this
   plain Jane person
Melted into a crowd of
   lost souls
Drained from passions, dreams,
   & individuality
A subject of America
   land of the free
      Home of the NAIVE
to think this is "living"
   to waste 100 years
      never "living"
for objects, &
   replaceable trinkets
Not seeing the uncreated
   memories & unbiased truth
what it is to me was
   more than a nine to 5
but instead I am stagnant
   glazed into the layers
      upon layers of white
   coffee mugs & ceramic

Dating & Relationships are Complete Madness.

where do you draw the line between clingy and genuine desire

of course I desire Your presence

if I didn’t then you wouldn’t have My time

does that make me clingy?

I believe If a man Wants a woman

the woman does not need to ever Ask

or suggest

or sit back and Wonder quietly

in fear of being “clingy” upon muttering

the words “I miss you”

"hello:

"how was your day"

or

”:)”

does “:)” even say too much

my god why isn’t there a way to read the mind

i feel like i’m regurgitating my own words

and thoughts of words

the way they come to me so easily and

then fester in my stomach tickling

the back of my tongue

pressing on my lips

they nearly spill

and just before they do

i swallow them right back up

and say nothing

leaving you hungry

in the same way

i am hungry for you

you can look over
   my dead body

the way you
   looked at me
      when I was alive

A beautiful day to get lost,
Following the traces of you.
The sun kisses my skin—
The way you used to.

Fingers drift through blades of grass,
Remembering how softly they touched you.
My love, my other half,
That grounded me to this earth.

Eyes wide open,
Memories find you to share this beauty.
I find myself standing in an open field,
Blue skies unraveling to gray—
Billowing clouds travel like words unsaid.

Your kisses pull away as the light fades out.
A familiar distant thunder crashes into my bones,
Moving the earth beneath me.

Seconds between raging lightning,
Splitting through the skies.
The keeper of my dreams,
Before the tempestuous sky became your eyes.

The tremors break.
The storm is coming.

I steady this heart—
Shaped like my tired, breaking body.
With fury and wind,
The cold, heavy rain finds me,
Burning like embers escaping a blazing fire.

I wrap my arms around myself,
Whispering:
Did I deserve this?
Did I create this?
Did I make this worse?
This is my fault.

But before the thoughts can comprehend,
Before my mind can settle in,
The rage retreats,
The storm fades—
As quickly as it came.

The rain, it gives.
The clouds shift again.
And the sun warms me,
Wrapping its arms around my cold, soaked body—
The way your arms always did.

For a moment, I clench my eyes,
And your gentle love is with me.

And I love you—
Again,
And again,
And again,

Without armor.

It’s not what you think.
I see you.

In the morning.
When I close my eyes.


At night
when I lay there restless

I see you.

I replay you
every smile,
every touch,
every breath
that brought life to my heart
that still beats for you.

"It is really beautiful up here" she whispered.

Her skin brightened in the glow of the fading masterpiece of crimsons, yellows, and golds the sun had brushed across the turquoise sky "This is it, this is what heaven is like."

I couldn't hear her, but I could read her soft spoken lips and study her face, which I always imagined as less of the cover to a book and more every word inside. There was not a greatness of a sadness that ceased to mask her portrait. She was all heart and soul, every bit of her.

I watched as her bright eyes change to become more glass than eyes. As if, for the first time, she was seeing life, love, and something more. Something so deep and beautiful that not even Hemmingway or Fitzgerald could even begin to put the prefix of it into thought.

Among the dusting of the clouds and transparent sunset I felt her heartbeat could silence and the lungs of which gave her the life I so cherished could empty turning her flesh a pale blue, and she would fade peacefully into the scene before me.

This very thought frightened me. Too soon would her feet touch the ground and nothing I was humanly capable of, or possibly godly capable of, would ever captivate and hold her so perfectly or turn her eyes as vivid - and there was nothing more I wanted.

To finally feel peace.
To feel safe.
To fall deeply into the sheets knowing the love of your life would come home to hold you—
to comfort you.
Our baby tucked inside my womb, warm and safe and loved.
And I exhaled, as I let myself believe—no matter what—everything was going to be okay.
Finally.
We would just stay here.
We would make this house a home.

With eyes closed, I imagined us in the front room,
assembling a wooden crib with yellow sheets—and blue.
Getting ready for him, our little boy.

My love—
you were so kind. So gentle.
You were happy.
You were a partner, a friend, a lover,
the rest of my life.

Imagine the sun beaming through the window, soft and warm—
the way your eyes looked into mine,
how my heart reached for you.
My hand in yours—
and holding your hand felt like warmth and sun and soft rain.
Like dancing in the middle with you.
It felt like the past.
Like my future.
My forever.
My dreams.
The stars in the sky.
Every wish I had ever made coming true.

It was you.
My everything.
My love.
My husband to be.
The father of my child.
My trust.
My everything.
My everything.
My everything.

I loved you in the gentlest ways.
The most forgiving ways.
I loved you unconditionally.

I thought I was meant to soften all your sharp edges—
to carry the scars until the edges dulled, until they no longer cut,
until you no longer needed to cut.

You were my shelter from every storm I had stood through
since I was no bigger than the one I carried inside me.
And I—
I was the gentle eyes that saw through your armor.
The hands that reached for you every time you felt less than perfect.
The hands that took off your mask
and saw you.

Just you.

No ego. No pride.
No image to uphold, no guarded reflection, no facade.

I was going to be the one who stayed.
The one who stayed long enough
that you could finally let it all down.

I thought I could heal us.

But when you said, “I never want to see you again for the rest of your life,”
you may as well have driven your whole fist through my chest—
gripped my heart in your hand—
and ripped it out
while smiling,
watching me bleed.

And with one hand to my stomach, holding our son,
as silent tears traced my cheeks,
in my final breaths,
with trembling blue lips,
my voice would still have gently whispered,
I love you.

Lay the bricks
Lay them high
Keep you safe
Up to the sky
Night will fall
He will call
Sit quietly
Within your walls
Closeness too far
The darkest star
Could I be any other?

07/26/24

Tell me—
How I seduced you that night,
in your queen bed.
Tell me how I forced myself upon you,
How I bit your tongue,
How I inhaled your breath,
As though it was mine.

Tell me everything I did—
To take away your power.
How I unfolded without asking,
How I opened my mouth,
and my legs opened with it—
A budding damask rose,
Too fragrant to resist.

Tell me how I tied your hands,
& undressed you slowly.
How a man like you
So strong and grounded—
Could let go so easily,
Be taken so willingly,
As if my small body
Was stronger than gravity.

Tell me about the ****** favors—
The quiet taste of my gifts.
Tell me how I wrapped you in heat,
How we bonded flesh.
Tell me about the lucid flavors—
Did they taste like sacrifice?
Did they taste like surrender?

Tell me how you couldn’t hold back—
How you pressed into me deeper,
Like you wanted to own this body,
Like you already did.

And when you came inside,
Was it love?
Was it lust?
or just a raging storm
You needed to pour into someone?
Did it make you feel so powerful—
The fine china taken by the bull?

Tell me, when you said these words,
Did you pretend
Your hands were never in mine?
That they did not hold me softly,
like a promise to keep,
already broken?

Did you forget
The nights before—
How you leaned me over your bed,
Lifted my dress,
How you protected yourself,
before you let yourself in.
How I broke beneath your hands.
How you trembled too,
The way our souls collided
As I became one with you.

Did you forget
My love—
How our lips met like honey—
Sweet melting into sweet.

Tell me again
how you’re innocent and weak.
And I—
I am the predator.

I've met so many with switches
I love them with all I have
I light them on fire, I cater to their
Every want, their every need, I
Polish them until they shine, I
Rewire them and untangle their crosses and label them so
Meticulously
And things get a little overloaded
A breaker trips and they read the
Labels and find my name
stare at me, analyze me, and then
Flip their switch
Shut it all down
And walk on

So you have turned me into a rock
A quiet still hard cold rock
I’m burning to speak
And tell you how I really feel
That I can’t stomach you
But I know I board the plane in a few hours
And for this I find peace
Enough peace to remain the rock
From you I have gained nothing but tolerance
And the knowledge that you should never travel to meet someone that you met online
At least not without a backup plan
I can’t fake a headache or the flu and ask to be politely excused
I so wish I could - grab my bag apologize sincerely - and run for the door
I would think it would be worth giving you my opinion - just to appease me
But in the same thought an overpowering realization that even you are not worth that energy
You might possibly even thrive on it
Like a roach thrives on raid once the poison has lost its ability to throw the bug on it’s back kicking
So I instead will bite my tongue
And do my best to keep my eye rolling to a minimum…when I’m in your peripheral…

You stood there
In the hills
Looking down at the
City
And I stood there
As the trees
Blocking your
Vision
And when I tried
To speak
You silenced me for
the wind
Shriveling roots
Holding me in
And the ground below you
Started to quake
As the forest before you
Withered away

Falling asleep, I start to imagine  
The garage apartment, and  
The couch cushions spread on the floor.  
You standing over me,  
Adoring me with your eyes  
As mine wake to you—  
Your face, your smile, your love—  
And the contradicting words,  
"You look like ****."

---

Miss you Andy...
   Miss you like crazy.

Rest in peace my love.

Today
I will find my heart
where you left it

Today
I will rinse it clean
and
sew it back into my chest

Today
I will buff the scars
and watch as it inhales
red

Today
I will be fully alive

but
Tonight
I will detach it from my veins
and lay with you again

You wanted me to speak your name
And so i did
I spoke it soft, i spoke it sweet, i spoke it
In love
But it was never yours to give
Yet, you did
In the fragments you could
Pry away that needed safe keeping
And I cradled them each
Individually like
Infants without mothers
Needing the warmth of flesh upon flesh

What is a night but a place to get lost? Lost somewhere in the dark. The darkest dark. You know the kind. (You do.) The kind where everything you’ve loved is no more, the last ember has burned out, the final flame is gone—a power surge that knocked an entire city out, the bottom of a well, sitting on a freshly dug grave and screaming until your lungs give out. That kind of dark.

Will they find me? Will he find me? Will he look for me? Has he looked for me? Has he even thought of me? Was he even real? Was he? Was I? Were we?

If he was, he is a ghost now. And he harbors all of the light. He holds it selfishly—a thief—who showed me his face, the one I could trace with my eyes closed. But I dare not touch. I dare not touch. I dare not touch.

We touched. I melted into him like a fallen candle, pieces of me everywhere.

His eyes—green, kind, nervously intense. The way his lips tightly spread across his face, with two exaggerated peaks. The softness of his pale skin. His pretentiously ******* parted hair. The hair he fiddled with, over and over, creating a part he was supposed to not part.

Can I fall asleep now and pretend his hands have interlaced with mine, one last time?

A solace sleep.

Dream sweet, my dear.

Dream sweet.

She held her breath
And held her breath
And thought of him,
Left to gasp
For the thick, heavy air—
Air that sat still
Between them.

The short distance,
Within minutes,
But hours,
Days,
Weeks,
So far apart
From where we were,
Where we are,
Who you were.

I don’t know,
But you’re holding all
These pieces of the
Heart that I had taken
All of this time to piece back,
Back together.

And you hold it
In a scummy pawn shop,
Collecting the interest,
The interest I scrape together,
Just enough
To keep you holding them—
On a shelf in the clutter
Of your garage,
Mixed with everything you
Hold onto to discard
But can’t seem to part with.

She’s got your heart
With so much disdain,
Silencing your pain,
The subtle breaks
Behind music and sound
That drown the cracking out—
Like you did with me.

Still, I paint,
And in my visions,
On this blank canvas,
You’re all I see.

So I hold my breath
And gasp to breathe.

Let me go.
Let me free.

In all your lovers
There is not one like me
For as many as you take
There will never be

Adieu.

Silence—
like plunging my body into freezing waters,
sinking to the ocean floor,
where the dark, murky current swirls around me,
blinding, suffocating.
I scream—scream so loud—
but all you hear is silence.

Silence—
a concrete room with chained steel doors,
hidden in the belly of an abandoned building.
I pound on the walls,
scratch at the floor until my nails bleed,
screaming—begging—
Please, find me. Please, find me.
But there’s no one left to listen,
and all you hear is silence.

Silence—
a grave I dug trying to love you in all the wrong ways.
Buried alive beneath the weight of my own faults,
lungs filling with dirt,
mouth muddied with the taste of regret.
I gasp for breath,
screaming help, screaming I’m sorry—
until there’s nothing left but surrender,
and all you hear is silence.

Silence—
settling into my bones,
seeping into my flesh until it no longer feels my own.
I recognize the walls around me,
but this is not my life, not my home.
This is everything I know, yet do not know.
Every bone aches with a hollow pain—
too fragile to move.
If I do, I break.

Silent tears fall into my sheets,
pooling into the mattress where you never sleep.
What is this darkness in the space you used to hold?
A hollow cave inside my chest that echoes your screaming words—
I hate you. I hate you.
But I can still feel my love.

So I lay here in silence,
under covers that are too thin,
but heavy, weighed down by you.
Paralyzed.
Mute.
Words screaming in my head—silent, unheard—
words you will never hear.

And you will sleep soundly,
while my broken heart shatters deafening my ears,
and all you hear is silence.

what if i spoke my heart
split it open like a book
and read you every word
would you love me then

or would you tear my pages
seal my trembling lips shut
wash away the blood
and silence my love again

Shh

my eyes
    are heavy

and

my heart
   is heavier

I want to fight you
and never close my eyes
for I’m afraid when I do
I will find the memories
of which I can’t let go
I’ll relive all he is
all I was beside him

To wake from this
desperately grasping to find
his heartbeat
feeling it as nothing more
than a pillow between
my trembling white knuckles

Knowing it was just a dream
Is to relive the relentless ache
of losing him all over again

Is this what it feels like
To be seen
To be valued
To be understood
To be deeply engraved
Every layer visible
Admired for the way the elements form together
For the waves and imperfections that create the beauty of the whole
Are these anxious floating bubbles that are wildly swirling in my stomach, reaching for the back of my tongue…good?
(Good for me?)
Is this excitement
Is this fear
Is this hope
Is this sadness
Why does it have to be anything
Why can’t it just be, this. As it is.
Why do I lose my words but hold them overflowing in my hands
Why am I so uncomfortable in my own skin
Why does writing that nearly break my dam
Is this my lack?
Of self worth
Of inability
Of being so far behind
Standing in my own shadow
Afraid if the light filled me I could be
Is this why I’m not enough
Is it me?

Everything it changed when you met her
Yea, you went and gave her our whole world (our whole world, our whole world)

I thought we would always be the same
Then you went and gave her our last name (and that ring, that awful thing, stupid bling)

Now I'm left here layin' all alone
Thinking about me thinkin' about you thinkin' about her

There are things that I shouldn't really say
But I'm gonna say 'em anyway (like I hope she ***** in bed and gains a lot of weight)

Everything it changed when you met her

Morning woke me with aching fingers and the burdensome weight of you heavy on my mind. Holding my guitar and fumbling over every note, I imagine you. Your eyes gazing over me in a crowd, as if I was invisible - until the music effortlessly plays from my fingertips, singing each word in harmony, my heart on my sleeve. I imagine you…noticing me.

Hours have passed and the sun has long left, replaced by a cold breeze and a dark starless sky.

I lay my guitar down beside me, my fingers numb and calloused, realizing that somewhere between morning and now I had lost you, the crowd, …the imagined moments. But, in the midst of the music, the repetitive strums and voicing my soul alongside every chord, I found myself.

*Tonight, I will sleep peacefully