Adversity burnt everything
which I once thought was mine!

But later guided me
into a new road of uncertainty!

Cherishing the learning process
of striking back as a new arrival!

Setting my tears ablaze
who cares but none!

So  lets back fall again & again
but in different ways.

Finding a way out
to turn those shadows of failures
into shining hopes of reality!

Smiling with each fall I realized
I am more than I could define!

How days goes by
And I feel a little less
Of the pain suffering or love
Everything feels nothing now
A part which used to ache
Now nowhere do I belong

I have been in sickness
down and dusted.
I am there for myself
and nobody around.
To wipe my tears of pain
Nobody to hold my palm
and the share warmth of their love.
But the hard truth to be digested
is that we all are on our own
to be loved by our own self. all along.

A sister
always near & dear
what special to give you
on your special day?

You live your life
with minimalist vision.
Materials were never
in your cart,
rather love & care
was worthy enough
for your part.

A special being you are
Supporting all of us
How to ever return back
The love and care
Which you keep on
giving us?

A possession your have
a shimmering jewel of heart,
only to be cherished
as a form of art.

What is life all about?

Working like a machine.
Holidaying sometimes
and meeting people
we know closely.

But every now and then
With change of the time
Shifting and shuffling
Keeps happening
In and around
To figure out again
what’s mine and yours!
But most unpredictable it is,
to figure out what life is!

-02/07/2017

When things go haywire
Get in touch with none
Except your God
You will feel awaken
And not a loner anymore.

Be where you are
Treat yourself just right
Love yourself
Even though things aren't right.

I promise
One day it will!

Turned 29 yesterday,
Celebrating on my own
For the very first time
I made arrangements
for myself
With balloons, songs
and a yummy cake!
And with all these,
I realized,
I can love myself too!

Despite the
love-hate relationship
with my own self,
I owe my body and soul!
They have been through a lot
From the self harm
in every possible way
To the
low phases
and pitfalls.
And I feel grateful
that I am still alive

With so much more of wisdom
Through the journey of life
Every changing as a whole
From happiness,
joyfulness, escasty,
And love -
To the
trauma's, loss,
heartbreaks, failures
Loneliness and depression!

I am now learning
to be on my own
From distraction and noises
all around
To shifting focus to oneself!

And with all of these,
Now Murphy's law
makes much more sense!

And now
With a the shifts of focus
I know that somehow
I can contribute
to this vast world too!

A dream which I bear in tender hands,
A dream full of love
to know nothing but to be in love.
Love makes me feel the ecstasy.
A punch of joy into my heart
and it beats up with light.

But that dream is no more.
No longer does it make its way to the shore,
not to reach anywhere to love.
No longer do I kiss the winds with love in my lips,
the winds are breezy though,
which doesn't tempt me like before.

I feel everything but not too much,
Its like a fading dream
which no longer persists
and love that never exists.

Unexpected feast with friends
in a swing table
which moves to and fro
we 3 eat, laugh and crack jokes
for no reason at all!

We went with the flow
to sail our boats
into the sea of hopes
laughing a bit more
to seek nothing
but got everything
in a plate,
full of spicy happiness
to rejoice.*

02-06-2017

Love for lovely people
Who either care or never care
What happened to the love
For the environment?
Where all we see or hear
is the news of smog and hell.
All the ailments increasing
Day in and out
No measures taken!

leaving
into the woods
kind of
soul searching
expedition

suddenly
mind speaks up -
Are you sure you will
find your soul over me?

On the boat
of passion
& dispassion
keep them both side by side.
Hold on to passion
most of the time
to fly high in windy weather
but when needed rest,
hold on to dispassion tight
to release & fly!

– 17th May, 2017

"Happy Children's Day"
Let the child in you
Breath in
And breath out
Let it live the life
Of it dream
It may go haywire
But who care
It it Outshine
You and the child
From within you!

I saw few people
Of middle class & poor.
Went to a bakery
To eat.

I was one of them
To eat alone
Having money to eat
but no one to accompany.

Some people came together
They too wanted to eat
But with less money
They thought twice & thrice
what to eat &
what would cost less
Their only worry was
Although they were together
But with less of money
So they chose the items
Which they could afford.

They all ate and
went back together
I ate and came back alone
on my own.

Three days without a phone
And I realized
Nothing has gone wrong
Everything is as is
Life goes on
People move on
From new moon to full moon
Leaves falling and growing again
A tea in cold quiet winter evening
Made more sense
A tormented soul though
With more and more hollows
Realized how I crave for love
Buried myself into books, blankets and cried out as much as I could
Remained quiet
until I found my inner soul
Reaching to me to love thyself.

*Love is found within after all!

I ask nothing much...
but just wonder on my own
will I ever know you
as though you are real?
or we will be just gone
by sometime...
as an unreal real?

Life goes on
With or without
Closures!

Love
Heartbreaks
Ghosting
Embarrassement
Guilt­ trips
Loss of a closed one to death
Losing close friends to distance
Insecurities
Nostalgic road trips

Will all of stories
In bits and pieces
Ever have the closures?

I doubt!

I was sleeping
In the warmth of you
But something cracked soon
It was me who woke up
To find you were
nowhere around
in the cold morning!
Only me holding up
my shattered pieces
all my own!

You all are the thorns in my heart
Sharp pinching memories
hurt me all across from within & out!

But with love when all of you take shape
I melt like a chocolate ice-cream cone
Would do anything,
to be with all of you.

Every other time
There will be chaos
In our lives!

We fight it
We resist it
And let it drown
Or burn it out
We try to do some much
To raise walls on it
Escape it or forget it
But it tends to come
back again
And again!

And a day comes
When there is no more escape
But to dance
To the steps of chaos
And figure out
It is not too bad at all.
You might suffer a bit
But later you will figure out
How to find
the beauty in chaos :)

My mind & heart
Enters into the gloom
Breaking through the walls
Into the woods of doom
Only to find a new moon!

How to tell it to me,
It will be invisible
For sometime long
Along the way
Where I belong!.

Better seek out
Something which is
More near & dear
Real without fear.

Wait if you must
Don't rush to the dust
Listen to your intuition
to bring back your
Laughable soul
Which would eventually

Make yourself whole!

Its not the places
Nor destinations which we reach.

Its not the ride which
you take me through

Not the hills, the greenery, the unknown path.

Not the empty roads with the starry nights above!

Through the thick and thin.
We share our part.

It's not the rides
It's not the wind chills

It's not the romantic air
It's not your humor

Not your every other thing
which makes me laugh,

It's you, who is more than
anything to me than earlier times.

The twinkling of your eyes
Shining bright like the stars,

I would like to drown
into the ocean blue with you

Even if I don't know how to swim
But would love to enjoy every bit of it with you.

Would like to taste your lips with every other tasty meal
Which we both might share.

It's all magical dreams with you
And I never would like to wake up without you.

Time slips by, from night to Dawn
And again daylight vanishes
Into the night.

But it's always less of a time
Feels like I need more than years to discover you.

I don't know whether it's love or just passing a good time.

But whatsoever it might be
Keeping my fingers crossed

I would be awaiting how much ever
It takes to be with you all over again.

Somebody
Not known
But turned
Into
special being
With each
passing day
It seemed!

Night walks
Laughter
Holding hands
Accompanied by
tight hugs. .
All washed away.

Now remains of it,
haunts me.
How to fix myself?
It's too haunting
for me to overcome
And
all of a sudden,
All the conversation
& laughter
lost in silence!

*And I am
Nobody to you
all over again!

This would be my last message to you
And no, I'm not gonna die.
I just wanted to say few things to you
Before its too late to even say bye.
It has been exactly 5 months today
That we broke up,
And sorry that I couldn't forget dates to make up my mind.
I am sorry if I have wronged you in anyway.
You have always made me happy and brought smile into my face.
And sorry that I couldn't make you happy once or twice.

I still wish I was not so weird then atleast I could have been your friend.
After you left I changed myself completely.
I fear no more. I chase no more.
I am more of an individual now who can live life alone.
I am independent like I was never before.
More than anything I'm me who is curious about everything-
Art, writing, trekking and most of all uncertainty.
Me - weird and broken a bit.
But thank you very much for bearing with my darker side for a year or so.
My most precious moments exists with you.
You told me to be away from you which I will always do.
Sorry that I gave you a tough time being with me.
You always deserve the best.
And after all, I was just a wild flower among all the roses.

I would explode anytime and I cannot give
the special place to anyone like I gave it to you.
And That emptiness within me never goes away
but I am happy that atleast I could be with you for an year to say.
I still wish If I knew we would have never meet again then that very day when I saw you I would have loved you like my last.
Life is uncertain and that's how it should be lived-
To see all the beauty and love like it will be our last.

We might not be
crossing our paths
but what to do
That you cross
my mind
Every other time?

Lingering through
my heart
Residing within
my soul
As life..

What happens when
creativity takes a back seat
And management comes in between
Guiding, coordinating,
briefings, reviews
and too many meetings
With the team!

Creativity dries up
Remaining only
My team!
They work, I coordinate
They get appreciation
And I remain the head!

Questioning all of it
Do I want to be the head
Or just be more creative
As an individual aspect?

My birthday
An elevation in Life
Of 27 years
Seems like a life
renewed with
new experiences
All over again.
My body, soul
My heart & my goal
Stand tall
Hiding the pain
& Sadness to all
I am more mature.

Utmost Love,
wishes & gifts
Happy moments
Spent with loved ones
To be kept safe
In the core of my heart.

I cut the cake
But while blowing the candle
I had no wish to say
I am grateful enough
For the love
I got throughout
my life.

Storms define people
whether they stay or leave.
A stormy & rainy night
what I see?
either people unite
to help
or disappear
to never to find again!

A beauty of the soul..
not everybody sees through it..
not everybody finds it..
not everybody understands it..
but what is its use
if that beauty had to bear it
all by her own!

One after the other
I keep finding a substitute.
A substitute for love,
One by one they leave
To create a new mess
out of the old,
making me
colder to fold!

One by one
they venture into me,
a life to fulfill my dreams
A new dream I see,
To love each of them
Whether they stay or leave!**

10-06-2017

The moment I had to call you as my 'ex',
It  ripped me off from inside!
I am trying hard to either forget you or keep you close to my heart.
Why is that my heart still wants to revolve around you?
Everyday I wake up,
I need you more than ever,
I need you so much that I have created an imaginative You,
Who never leaves me to go away,
I do everything so as to be with you,
If not in reality but as an illusion.
I understand we cannot call anybody ours,
But to be without you,
Where I have loved you more and more,
I can't get you off my soul!
I wish I didn't feel so much
And I know very well
You would never understand
How much it still hurts!

I fear the things I haven't done
I fear the things I have done
fear is all over my body & soul.
I feel nothing else
except to fear of known
as well as unknown!

I rule none,
but fear rules all over me
again and again.
People leave or I leave them
in the fear that they would find me
fearful all the time.
I step back every now & then
checking that I'm still fearful
of what I can't find!

With teary eyes
I say no to every new opportunity
that knocks my door!
Don't know how to stop my fear
and start my day of life after all.

I am more fearful of myself
than the world I live in.
And here I write
fearing that I might never be
able to erase the path of fear
I am walking in!

Time is running fast
and I am missing out every dream
to make it into reality.
I scream at myself
to let go of all the fears
and to stop doing this to myself.
I am aware of the bigger problems of the world
but here I stand helplessly helpless
finding nothing but fears of mountains
getting darker with each night!

Living in duality
fearless & fearful
and fearfulness
takes over fearlessness!

I choose now
to stay away
to close my doors
& windows...
and walk my way
on my own
until I lighten
my closed
dark soul...

Should I forget or remember you?
That's where it ******
But there is always another way
to imagine through some or the other tricks!

I keep breaking down every now and then,
Every broken pieces within me never gets reconciled,
I see my broken pieces smiling to me each day and telling to me,
See how beautiful we all look!
Broken pieces and beautiful? - I asked.
Yes, we are broken to feel more,
to see more, to love and live more that is what makes us beautiful..
We are now unbroken,
nobody dares to break the broken pieces.
We are but more than what we think,
we are beautifully broken to be unbroken!

Finally
After months
My love, my friend came back..

Drowned in depression
I was for months.
I felt little less
But what a surprise!

The feeling of love
The gift of love..
Got back my laughter,
Got back the tight hug
Which I used to get,
Creating more memories.
But something was missing,
I guess my soul
Which was unable
To believe the reality!

Your arms around me
feels like home completely.
A home which I craved for so long
knowing not for long it would stay with me!

I'm in grey today,
Although I love other colors too,
But getting drenched in the festival of colors
I only remembered you.
Things go wrong as I know,
And cascades of my dreams falling apart,
I hold your hand in an illusion
Which suddenly disappeared.
I crawl back to you to feel that it is all desolated,
And come back with empty hands,
Following the grave of my love for you.

A new year
A new dream
A new me
A new you
New everything!

Let's ditch the old
And let's all be a
wonderful
shimmering light
Fulfilling new vision
to a limitless heights!

Something is crushing from within,
I know the reason behind but want to deny..
things keep changing
and I am okay with that.

But what do I do if its burning from inside?

And my mind replies - Concentrate on work,
you gotta finish a hell a lot of work by tonight!!

I tried
I tried
I tried it
On my own
And time froze
Not knowing
What's there
for store!

The moment we think
somebody is close enough..
That's where the mistake lies!
They were never that close
to see through us..
leaving us with a scar!

Two empty cups
Facing each other
With tea of lemon & ginger
Nicely sipped altogether
Brings a comfort
After a long time!

A dog in the street
with such an innocence
it expresses as if in a dream
waging its tail
while it follows me everywhere
didn't know to what give
but I knew it for sure
it needed some love
which went missing!

A celebration ends
*And we celebrate it
with laughter,
joy, and a bit of sadness
but only with the hope
in our eyes
that the rejoicing moments
would come back again
and fill us with all happy moments
all over again.

People were playing two truths one lie,
We had to figure out which two are truths & which one lie.
They were thinking out in their minds which one to tell,
But i was thinking which one to hide!
Someone said they peed on pants, kissed some guy, dated a smuggler so on and so forth it went.
Finally it was my turn.
I had to speak up which I never ever do whatever is inside.
I can't say I rode on an ambulance with a person who was about to die,
can't say I loved men who were into other stuffs,
or I have smoked, drank and danced with a stranger.
I can't tell whether there is anything left in my life except work and a little bit of creativity inside.
I can't tell I was bitten by a white huge swan because I was running behind her at that time.And I love walking down the streets alone at midnight.
I can't tell all these so I kept quiet.
So I kept on thinking for a safer option and said I had never climbed a hill,
I hate reading books and I love using Facebook out of which all three were a lie.
I see people they speak up and never care a bit,
Whereas I'm here trying fit in!

I see into the eyes of complete strangers
In the morning and at night,
They glare through screens or glare into nothing.
How I wish if it was possible again
To stare into spaces
And have a glimpse of dreams
Waving into us as if to be
a part of a beautiful reality.