with depression comes manipulation. you end up lying. you lie about how you feel or you let out bits but not whole truths. they believe you.
with self harm comes manipulation. you know you have eight blades but you give up five. you have twelve hiding spaces but you give up eight. they believe you.
with progress becomes manipulation. you use the coping skills and say are helping. you cut in different places. you lie about feeling better and let your emotions out somewhere else

Why do people say this? Is it to comfort you or themselves? When someone tells me that I am not alone I think of the other people that have to feel like this, or worse. It doesn't make me feel better. I wish people didn't have to feel this way.

when someone sees your scars or cuts, do they really see?
do they see the metal pain, or do they see the physical pain?

when someone sees your blade do they see the metal that scars your skin, or do they see the words that scar your skin?

when someone sees your tears do they see your sadness, or do they see the demons running around your head causing pain where they step?

when someone sees your progress do they see you using coping skills and no cuts on your wrists, or do they see the feelings you fake and the cuts on your thighs instead?

last night while you were cutting you hit a small vein it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding. you have used eight band aids since last night. it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding. you wake up and put two more on because it immediately bleeds through the first one.it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding. you get to school and you only have two band-aids left it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding. you use the last two. it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding. what do you do?it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding it wont stop bleeding 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my wrists and thighs itch.
not just from the healing scars and scabs,
but from the urge to carve my skin.
my mind feels too full it has no place to go so it travels down
through my arms and legs.
i can feel it flowing through my blood knowing the only way is out.
so i slice my skin and watch the blood flow,
knowing ill feel ok.
at least for a minute.

My suicide is something I've dreamed of for a while.
My suicide scares me because I do not know what is after.
My suicide is something I have attempted many times but failed.
My suicide is going to be a relief.
My suicide is selfish.
My suicide is going to be by blade to my wrist.
My suicide is a thought that soothes me.
My suicide is going to be hard for the people around me.
My suicide will eventually be forgotten.
My suicide seems blissful but horrible at the same time.









I hope my suicide is soon.

im sorry guys,
but this may be my last goodbye.
my mind cant fight anymore.
my body is starting to fall apart too.
what am i supposed to do?
im just tired.
but my mind can't rest.
my family wants me alive and to thrive,
but i don't know how.
im so sorry to everyone.
i don't even know who will read this or care.
but im tired of this and don't know what to do anymore.
maybe ill text a hotline or something idk
its the same thing everytime.
i go to the hospital,
and they treat my wounds,
and admitt me to the psych ward,
and i fake it till they let m go home.
what do i do?
everyone just says keep fighting and it will get better.
i have my blades,
and i have my ways.
why do i have to stay?
i know why i should stay but...
idk