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The baby goat's mother was shot.
And I was forced to listen to it cry.
Forever forlorn and distraught
And i stood there- hands covering ears
Traveling back in time
----------------------------------------------------
Your mothers heart stopped
And I was forced to listen to you cry.
Lost in a huge world, more alone
And i stood there- hands covering ears

I heard you through the vents
"My mom is dead! My mom is dead"
Falling to the floor I wished I still dreamt
But she had called me before her bed

I heard her voice message months later
You still cried yourself to sleep at night
Sleeping with earplugs....I wish I didn't bake
Because I thought I killed her that night

Peanut butter cookies:
She taught me the recipe.
And two days before she vanished,
I brought her a dozen.
Autopsy reports showed an hour before death;
She took two bites of my cookies-
Went upstairs and her heart stopped.

Coincidentally exactly four years later,
I finally made peanut butter cookies again
And the smell of sweet peanut butter roasting
Stopped my heart
Dawn of Lighten Nov 2014
Oct 25th, 2014 12:00 P.M. in La Quinta Hotel in Brooklyn Park, my second day visiting Minnesota. Today I'm suppose to see my father who lives in Plymouth Minnesota, and finally see my sister and her husband who lives in New York.  I haven't seen family for a year now, but today was the day to have mother's memorial service with the family and relatives. I got into my rental car, and drove through memorable highway 169.

It was a month ago when my father told me we would have a memorial service for mother one last time, and in that phone call before he hung up, he asked me if my sister ever told me about his girl friend.  Then my old man asked me to take my mother's rings and other jewels, and carry mother's memories. I was shocked at first, and super dumbfounded. Since it was only 3 years ago mother passed away from cancer, and in my mind all I thought was "35 years of their marriage only equated to three year of mourning for my father?"  Clearing my throat to respond, and finally getting my composure together, while putting things in perspective through my head I answered honestly no! My thoughts fizzled, while it became cold and numb.  A speechless betrayal in mind, but I knew my old man was weak alone.  I remember when I used to live in Anoka Apartment in Minnesota, I visited his home in Blaine, my old man crying alone to sleep.   Maybe he has suffered enough, and thought to myself how can I judge this man, my father who lost his wife through cancer. To feel desolate for three years must of been a lonely life, and finally he has someone to fill the void he has lost.

So here I was in Minnesota, to my old man's new apartment.   After looking at the Email he sent with the address to his home on my Ipad, all I wanted was to get this over with.  Lot of memories I wanted to forget, and this gut wrenching moment that made me feel weak.  As I walk through the hallway to my father's apartment, I see an open door with the scent of Korean food!  As I enter into the Apartment, I did not see my father, but a lady who I have never met cooking in the kitchen.   Completely surprised by this unknown person, I simply said hello!  It was unexpected that this is how I would have met this person, the lady who was my father's girl friend. I knew the moment I came in, but I didn't know how I was suppose to act or respond, this lady who may take over my mother's spot.  Million things went through my head, but I knew it wasn't her fault, and she is living life like anyone in the world.  Humans live for the moment, and without taking life for granted, who am I to judge her?

In a moment of awe of the situation, I started conversation with her by asking how she met my father to how long they knew each other, and where was my father at this time.  I felt so out of place in my old man's apartment, like something was completely amiss.  Then she tells me the unspeakable that would have never crossed my mind, and tells me both will be getting married tomorrow!  Luckily for me my sister gave me a call to tell me she was lost , and no timing was greater than then.  It gave me an escape, to take a breather!  So I told my future "step mother" I needed to excuse myself, and help my sister get back on the right road.   I think I smoked about a five cigarettes in a minute outside apartment entry way, as I gave my sister the directions.

It was good to stay outside that day, it was Minnesota's finest air and sun light breeze.  It sincerely helped me cleared my mind, and when I saw my sister in the vehicle coming into the parking lot, it was extra pleasant sight to see a familiar faces. When I approached my sister's vehicle, I final saw her daughter for the first time.   As my sister and her husband walked with me to our father's apartment, I had to ask if she knew our father was getting married very next day of the memorial service.  Sure enough my sister knew, but she then tells me not to get mad, that she only knew a week in advanced. Still numb by this whole experience, all I could ask was why couldn't my own father tell me he was getting married, and as usual siding with my father my sister defends him by telling me "he probably didn't wanted us to judge him!"  Of course I would have judged him, but I would have been less angry at my old man if he came up front. As we all gathered in the apartment, we had a meal that my father's girl friend has prepared, and it was sincerely surprising to hear my sister ask questions to our future step mother of various questions I would have asked out of curiosity.   Then it dawn on me my sister knew nothing about this lady who my father was going to marry, and it became evident my sister who was closest to my father didn't know nothing, then I understood my old man was afraid that we would judge him!  

As we finished our meal, time came for us to pay our respect to my mother who laid six feet under.  How can I explain the irony of this predicament, my father's girl friend will be joining us in our mother's final yearly memorial service, and tomorrow she will marry my father!  In my mind this is the stuff you read about in fictional Hollywood scripts, or some kinda ****** reality television show, but here it was in full glory.  

I will say one thing about this lady I knew very little about, she seemed very nice, and her cooking were amazing. After clearing all the dishes, step mother grabbed my mother's memorial picture, and told us this is what our father recommend for us to bring for the service.
Continuation of the original Journal "Return to The Memory Lane, and Open Heart."
So much to write, and this isn't finished yet! I'll most likely update this with progression of the story, but I promise you it will get better! I know I could have kept this in my draft until I was finished, but I am unsure when I maybe deleting my Hello Poetry page!
Dawn of Lighten Nov 2014
Writing has always been my personal escape,
and place that I bring the clearest thoughts,
driven by personal emotions.

From the moment you reached out,
I was afraid to meet the future,
because I didn't know how to respond.

I thought it would be best to be more distant,
to be in the darkness,
in isolation of writing.

I think we have hurt each other enough,
but I know you know I've always looked out for you,
Especially when you least expected.

No details are needed,
and past is in the past,
While I rather not get into personal lives.

Just understand I knew more than I let out,
and I didn't care what others said about you,
because that level of disrespect from others was unwarranted.

To be honest I hated them for their actions,
Their stupid jealousy of fellow woman,
and their relentless cruelty spread like disease.

Of all people only you have the power to shut me,
With your silence I am voiceless,
and I've tried to put a jigsaw in it's place!

What if I told you have the power to make me disappear,
all you have to do is tell me,
and everything will be completely deleted!

I've already deleted all my poems once,
and I'll do it out of respect,
Completely dissolve everything I cherish.

I won't even ask why,
No more explanation needed,
It will just be understood.

I always hoped we would be friends in the end,
Just like most friends I kept in Minnesota,
A reminder even in a desolate ice land there can be warmth.

You have but to ask,
and your wish will be given,
because I want you to be happy!

If me leaving gives joy,
why must I take away personal happiness?
Either we are or aren't friends.

Lets keep it simple!
Ultimatum to someone who I admire!
Who also had taught me much in Senior Housing,
and shared little bit as a stranger!
  Nov 2014 Dawn of Lighten
Marian
I woke up extra early
To pick wildflowers from the meadow
I gathered goldenrods and roses
And picked some baby's breath
I watched the dewdrops scattered
Across the blades of grass
I watched the colors of gold
And lavender infuse the morning sky
I took a piece of baby blue ribbon
And tied it around my flowers
To hold your special bouquet in place
For this is your last bouquet here
And this is your special day

**~Marian~
Sad day today....I feel sorry because
My mom is trying to help our sick cat, Fluffy
Who hasn't been feeling well for a while!!!! ~~~~~<3
We fear he may be slipping away (dying)....
I don't know, though...
So I wrote this for him and my mom...
Especially to comfort my mom!!! ~~~~~<3
I hope y'all enjoy this!!! ~~~~<3
Dawn of Lighten Nov 2014
Let me see you at your core,
Your very tip of the root.

Without your make up,
Or your eye liners,
Let me see you face to face.

Just your fresh face,
And with all your glorious wrinkles,
Your purists form of your face.

I'll kiss you on your precious forehead,
On your smooth cheeks,
Then on your big red lips.

Brushing upon your back
then move to the beats of your chest,
and two nerves connect with each other's pulse

Like two symbiotic impulse understanding each neurons,
while passing through cerebrum to metaphysical emotions.

All the angst to the deep fears we share,
then come to a reconciliation that we are one,
and we shall be invulnerable.

That no matter the time,
or end of time,
and in after life become invincible.
As I was enjoying lunch break from work in Burger King, I was watching a news about this "plus size" model.   I was sincerely shock by Calvin Klein's expectations of normal size, and stupidity of their scale!  For some reason it triggered many thoughts!

http://www.businessinsider.com/outrage-over-calvin-kleins-plus-size-model-2014-11
Dawn of Lighten Nov 2014
It was a grey sky as I came in the MSP Airport at Oct 24, 2014 9:00 a.m, and this sudden sorrow befell on me as I came in from the airport driving in 94 tunnel near 35W cross highway. It was saddening because it felt like the place I knew so well was evaporated from my mind, and the skies understood the emotions I felt coming back. It is this attachment I have in this place, and falling in love with the surrounding I grew up in are now a blur. Just like a melody of your favorite tune you desperately want to not forget, but all you see are shadows and hues.

As I arrived at my hotel, all I wanted to do was sleep, and rejuvenate.
It was around 5:00 p.m. when I woke up, and it was time to see people. People I knew so well, and people who are kind, and share their time with! I wish I can convey how much you people mean to me as I meet you, as we have conversation, and interact with our minds. Too often in this era we forget to talk, a small chat to hear each other's thoughts. Sharing part of yourself, and expressing the moment of our surrounding and connecting. It is these moments I cherish with people laughing, and observing. Even if there were no words, it is the silence of being near people you enjoy with delight spending time with them.

As I lay in my hotel bed, I know there will be full days ahead of me. To see people I have not seen for a year now, and look forward to events you all have created. I can taste it and feel it. I know I will love every minute of it, and cherish it. You friends make Minnesota my home, and I will miss it as I leave back on the 27th! I see the grey from the morning as I came to Minnesota, because it was an omen from the start, and all good things will end. When I see you folks I like to hear your voice, and communicate, because I want to remember the tune I've heard from the past. I don't want to forget why Minnesota was so special, and time spent in the moment will be what I'll take to Louisville KY of the melody of life that linger in my mind.

Until then, may the shades of grey dissipate, and the light shine on our time of connection! Miss you guys and gals so much, and look forward to spending time with you all!
Bit of a Journal I wrote on Facebook in preparation of meeting my friends in Minnesota, and remind myself to enjoy life as it came.  Since the visit to Minnesota was for a final family memorial service for my mother at the time, it was not the most optimal visit to Minnesota!  I still cherish my friends, even though I will not be seeing them for a long time again! They will always be with in my heart!
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