what's to replicate?
a feeling I can't forget?

along with trembling thoughts passing through
moments in my blues

with nothing to lose
there's everything to risk

no one beside me on this cruise
no one to take inside of my Louvre

meaning in some coordinates

a place I can't climb out of

adaption to create something in the current situation I'm in

elevating in time

touch the ground in the moment

here like I was before

Like I always will be

the ducks observe me while i roll a dutchie//
the wind interrupts my concentration//
i stop//
listen to the children playing out in the distant playground//
"tag, you're it"//
i begin to imagine small spaces with everything going on inside of them//
inside of this neighborhood, a world unknown to me//
a house with undocumented people//
an alley where you meet your drug dealer//
i go through a secret opening to the creek beneath a bridge//
with ease, i walk, and walk//
think about my mom, my brother, my sister, and my dad//
their actions have influenced my subconscious//
and i somehow respond to their doings, without knowing how it derives into existence//
my words will crumble on paper, my words deleted from the internet//
i will die, knowing i love a girl named sabrina//
knowing my ex girlfriend deserved more than the egocentric boy i was at 16//
my friend dakota from timberlawn mental hospital never emailed me to say he was out, i think he's dead//
i've grown out of this notion of expression//
at least, i thought i did//
but i had to step back from it, for a little//
i was traveling, stoping and observing ideas i could execute//
im making visuals filled with visions that take action and precision//
im loving til i can't//
im regretting thinking i'm scared to not give it my all//
my coffee hasn't been downed//
when i was 6 i nearly drowned//
everything around me could've changed//
denisse would've had more hope for men//
gabby could've ended her madness, but for her, thoughts always came crawling back//
i would've missed out on meeting sabrina//
sometimes i think, of the possibilites and of the probability//
something i empty my mind and sit, in the stillness of the universe//
billions of years ago, it was here, and i was nowhere to be thought of, nowhere to exist, nowhere to be//
my moments will be impacted with self-will//
my coffee is getting cold.....

*gulp

The pain won’t stay
So long
See you in May
Just not today, myself to betray
Lose myself indulging in what’s not spoken
Losing grip of the entirety of this moment
The only regrets I have are the ones that make her upset
is this a phase
false love to praise?
am i insane?
insecurities i can't restrain
is this a test?
one I can't retake?
is this a game?
one I cannot play?
when will it pay?
in debt til I decay
what should I say?
it's wrong to hate
the obvious is said
complications in my head
resulting in my death
it's life or lead
but what's to complain at the end when I wake up in a bed

staggering memory

catch a thought to avoid the misery

asmr videos to sleep in tranquility

losing my sense of self

(not all that bad)

inflicted abilities

to see beyond the people that leave

accepting for the ease

aware of the problems and successes that I must seize

sitting
breathing
in the stillness
processing
the madness and happiness
recollecting what I didn't expect
people to reflect and thoughts to brush away

here and now

fuckkgrwkhnsjnjlSDGS dgF
ADOS
,a
saa
so much of so much
they come and they go
I just



do my best

races to be won, races to be lost
emotions to be felt
emotions to learn and observe
moments take over
the storm will never be over
as long as i remain aware, of the pain inflicted
by myself, decisions with cause and effect
feelings that were acted on out of neglect
we argue and we both become suspect
to our eyes, we cannot lie
for i know, the layers inside your mind
and you know mine
this morning was fine, far from good
last night made my thought process shook
asking how i define
this love that don't resemble confine
i wrote a good *** poem earlier
and it got deleted
it was time to practice
let go of the moments that threaten your being
that threaten the ties you've created to be this way
we fight until we ask ourselves what's the subject?
blurry memories, sit and reflect
to live a blurr, no mind to retrospect
moments that were delivered to my reality
moments that caused pain
derive from the unconscious
i'm aware of this, letting it happen is a burden sometimes
how do i not let it, when sometimes it only "feels" right?
how does it "feel" right to feel anger?
****
i'm still walking on a rope
but can't balance my"Self"

awareness applied
to live, to die and feel love for what's outside
live for this
for questions
for explorations
within


i have work at 11

the coffee has been brewed, but i'll let it sit and write this poem

i wonder what the people have to say today
they walk in, give us business, give us *******
who do i believe, who do i trust?
i guess i have to see beyond it, beyond that...
beyond what they think and say
how are they when they're away?
they look empty, what kind of soul? what kind of formulae
to your disarray???

i'm kind of excited....

to live today

haha....
we still on bad terms but like i have to continue to live breh...

this writing was interesting...

the morning

my breath reeks

the coffee is being consumed

the day started inside of my head when i first opened my boogery eyes

this environment is different

a chance for a better represented now, alone

in the name of progression

How do I seek truth when I can't see beyond the moon
How do I wonder so far when I can touch my head
Inside I wonder with no disguise
Because I don't fear what comes in my day
Accepted a wound to the heart, so I could accept pain everyday
Losing you, like vapor coming from the pax
There you lie, without the soul

Can't even blow

when it all makes sense
the hunch that leads you to a conclusion
that I had a right to think the way I did
Because the end is clear
and whatever I worried about when I broke, became the truth
and now I’m no longer in the picture
your picture
your experience


but why does it matter right now?
stuck in thought, writing them down and deconstructing the meaning of all it ever was or will be


you are doing you

and so am I

whatever makes you happy

in the end

All is clear

Bad or good

The end is clear

plenty endings sum up a conclusion with an ending as well

and when we die

It’ll be clear
We are always in the middle of something

when the autumn ends

will be we passed ammends?

doge the

                     pain.....

to get
           hit from another direction

i'll just fall.....

and get up again

don't you worry






           about David

long day
lost in your haze
dazed
without the blaze

falling, I should've tied my laces
balling, I should've watched the days go by
stuck between the essays and my different ways
nothing to praise but a mind that's a maze

serve your two cents on my dinner plate

they tend to indulge in what uplifts their ego

i know, because i've been there

the time is spent, but not on me, but on the interests that generate creativity

the future isn't written without now

the past wasn't shaped thinking of today

the moment isn't lived in the past

"I guess"
Brush the pain off with some sense
Drawing in blue...
Help myself look at what triggers my ego in past-tense

The air is dense, can barely walk through the present

             (let loose)
grabs ****

Nothing to do but to ******* to the image of you
Self-defeating, barely eating when you leave me with an empty seat

The emotions are dense

**** myself

                   for my expense
Can't make much from just existing

Walking down the street that deceits, finding less than what I'm worth
1 cent

To your god I don't repent, my mind I live to represent

Sad only for today

I see you looking at this miss

gone with the love we both portrayed

until it fades and decays

in time we'll heal and say
          we've learned from the tragedies

      fall for oppositions

that's the first sign...

we were blind.... in denial
or is that just how I see right now?

achieve the moment of being alone

only to know, that's what I always was

to think you were the only one


the fights just leave us in distress

to know I'm no longer harming you

vice versa

the happier I seem to be

undenianiably memorable segment of our lives

to look back and still feel and know love... or what it could

be....

the unlimitedness of it

to know I do, doesn't matter if you do
is enough for

me.

How do you sit while reaching out aboce your ocean of tears?
The water keeps overflowing, but you are not moving
The question is not why you cry
but why you sit criss-cross with your head down with not a will in the world to even think
I fear not seeing you on the other side
Don'y fall behind
You are by me, girl
In this world, the people hate and the animals listen
The eyes of millions fall in comfort when they lie
The eyes of millions cry when their lovers lie
This has no point
The moment called for this
I expressed and delivered, this way
I chose to type these words, letters...language....to explain how I see... how I feel

The format doesn't make sense

I'm trying, you should too

Barely

a chapter has ended//
i have found keys to door i didn't think i could have access to//
a door created only through self will and taking on the mysteries of my experience//
my room is empty, i have moved//
the days are going by like the cars passing on the highway//
like the pages being read//
like morning to afternoon, until the sun falls//
who's there to catch it?//
observing places i've never seen//
looking at people i'll never see again//
memorizing streets//
changing the sheets//
because too much friction make her cream//
laying down next to you//
thoughtless when i look in your eyes//
thoughtful when im away from your presense, it's my demise//
overthinking until i'm out of energy, sleep and there's more time to experience//
conscious this time, energy and creativity//
to make this happen//
writing observations that happen within, to formulate a new idea of "me"//

the mess has been swept
the tears have been wept
i no longer long for greater length of our days together
to sleep, to be alive
to breathe, to attend today
moving my body
in and out the store
in and out the gym
in and out my room
in and out your life
only to have memory of all places and minds i've been
the doors are shutting, and I'm waiting for somebody to come out the "other" side
but they are clueless
the imagination is broken
and the train tracks have rusted
the destination is blocked
thank all of your thoughts

there's nothing to worry about

no images on the screen to mind

realizations before mindless

dissolution

collapsing of all that's around me, including my "self"

no moments to be thought of

no future to await

practicing letting go

noticing a thought

peeling the layers


experiencing the core of it all


this

formless

hey,


I've been away
Living but no decay
Don't worry I haven't been away
From here, so to say
I found out I was half gay
But that just makes me happy

I'm going to pop my website off

under something else

She's loose, sorry
I had to buy her a belt

The tongue makes it tingle

Kiss....me one more time
And maybe once again
And after that once more
Maybe then you’ll say
And I’ll finally behave
Man I never knew
that one day I’ll be begging you to stay
Wish you believed me when I said
That I’ll never be the same
I guess I have to accept this change
And go a little bit insane
It’s okay my dear
You did what you had to do
Either way I’ll wait for you
Even though it was me
That caused this entire mess
I will never forget
Who you were and what we did
Because all that’s said and done
Taught me to simply be
Even though it’s hard
to live through this pain
Must remain aware
of the **** that makes me dare
to end it like I never cared

lonelier than ever
get by being clever
patient with the wait....the wounds to sever

Look the other way

listening to your cover of city of stars

the vibrations of your voice
something I always paid attention to

the show goes on but this is a reflection I can’t deny

A truth in thought

In mind

To know it’s not really there

To be self aware

To know that the realization is a step

To know that this moment
Is all that’s ever promised

i got off at 3:30 today
organized my music again, i always plan a drop and make some more
always trying to create something better.. for the fun
it was always me to take things further
it'll always be me to take things farther
risky
but the purpose will be evident
pour everything within
every moment, for me
a chance to try and live it out
live
love
but there's no one
do i even need anyone
to feel... like before, the feeling of unification even when all is scattered
knowing someone is there with you, more than enough
but that goes, like everything
and then want
research research
preserve my nerves
i sit and learn
i sit and burn
i sit and learn
i stand and yearn
i sleep, it ends
i wake,.... here i am
again
i like this website because there's no character limit
maybe there is at 69,000
i miss having ***
it's okay though, i'm busy
keeping my mind entertained with emotions i can pick up with my hands
not really though
trying to juggle them
i cant mess my life up though.. but i still have to risk
it all
every rep... risk it all
give it, my all
create stories with yourself, by yourself
let the people come... keep doing

various traits to become alligned with

to make up who we are and what we want to be

in time

ways of patience

practice


in the stream of dedication
initiation is tricky
a little iffy

walking down the bars
the lights seem brighter
my laugh echoes in my head
the voices of arrogance seem to vanish
the dust tickles the insides of my nose
my ears are warm
***** is having a lovely time
He’s loose
arms are flowing
Legs are everywhere

And then we go to jail for 12 hours

I’m glad I’m here in my bed right now

Whatever goes on, goes like a wheel going 120 miles per hour
I’m just a dip in the road
It keeps going even if I’m the factor

The only one...

Also just watched Black Mirror for a bit....the memories aren’t worth a reaction in the present moment

But it makes sense....

It’s been a long day

**** jail

But everything is worth experiencing

everything we used to be has ended

left my side 2b free

my mind aches so ******* much
i know it's easier to simply "be"
the story started to end when I thought this love wouldn't fade

no hope from the start

for the next person, there's no love to spare

time away

it'll just fly

like the 3 years i'll deny ever happened

pour myself away

to observe all that I "am"

the memories of you aren't "now"

it's a hard thing to accept

the clouds have moved

the sun is strong

my love for you continues on

changes made

let it marinate

contemplating less as of late

waking up next to you is great

and my words are limited

like life in creek for a little fishy

In and out the forest//
To confess I need to reflect//
Storage in my dome//
Recollecting for a poem//
Have to think out what's important//
Broken like a door hinge/
Hanging from the cliff ends//
Envisioned in memory lane//
Before I focused on the present, living in vain//
Never knowing if myself I'll forgive//
From seeing beyond this suspenseful grid//
To experience and reflect is what I did//
Lying to the mirror, so what if you're a little weirder//
Beyond self-identification, but people are people and judge the surface//
My soul was stolen from a belief that didn't help me see beyond accepting eternity without fear and uncertainty//
Accepted death, in my "eternal" sleep I'll be awake in contemplate//
Experiencing the essence in the present just makes sense//
(walking around Walmart, typing and typing)
Hoping gave me grief//
When I reached within and confronted "myself" is when I was finally at ease//
It's a movie and I'll lead//
I wish, that you could see, through these letters put together, so that we can just "be"//

hearing Vietnamese women gossip

old men trying to become what they wished they would've done earlier

fat men on the treadmill walking really slow, there's no difference

the old don't actualize the truth
(face yourself)
but don't turn you back to the mirror

there should be spoken poetry instead of radio music playing behind every set to encourage rhythm


(correlations)

I've created a relationship between my muscles and my desires

indulging in something yet to come
wasting “time”
even if it doesn’t exist
it’s so persistent
barriers “I” can’t scale
like water through the cracks
Like the atoms intertwined in everything
the storm has settled
there’s stories to tell
Fragments to share
Bring it into existence without any hope
Art isn’t meant for you to cope

if you asked me how I was
too much to discuss
change
**** I can't trust
myself until I rust
no need to rush
it comes
layers of colors you can't see
but "feel"
only to know, there's something else
beyond a thought
something to experience
underneath the tension, the ease
underneath my mentions, girls I can't please
beyond my comprehension, a girl that broke me into ******* pieces

Things are changing
The waves are moving different directions in the ocean in my head
Sorry I expressed what I felt
What kind of care do you give?
I'm drowning and holding on to your hand
Watch me sink in my thoughts I would've told you
I can't open up because I get no reply

As long as I know I do

Then why should I pay the price of wanting something from somebody who is a wall when I talk

there's a science behind you//
a science you don't think about everyday//
genetics//
**** your mother, or **** your father//
or bless them//
judgement doesn't exist, so why does it matter//
words don't mean much, give what you want some meaning//
you're all that, you're not all that//
you're nobody, and that's beautiful//

along the shore line

divided love
lost trust

(it wasn't worth thinking at all)

for I have sinned upon myself, not god

wondering, the abstractions I face
everyday, without turning my face

stunt double

take my place, be here now

before I shoot my face

the distance we've made
when the cards were played

with nothing to be said
and time to be paid
I can only love an option of higher grade for  the sake of me
for the sake of my ***** ******* mind
who knows of it's treacheries

how many people still waiting for me to decide whether or not I really love her or not

it only amounts to nothing
delicate to the stumbles we take
down the sewer with the rest when I fail a couple "are we still "there"? tests


in my arms
out my arms


the only person you can truly be isn't what you see in me

but what you see in everyone



I just think ******* be *****

really *****

I just be sidetracked from a temporary truth

the tough times need to end//
when the madness overflows and i can't comprehend why we ever began this war getting in between our love//

for now, i'm thinking let's just be friends//
but resistance ascends and my thoughts cannot pretend that you are here for eternity inside of my head//

far from my reach//
my days become so bleak//
when it's awkward i cannot speak//

i barrier between language when havoc has reached the peak of itself//
in those moments i cannot dwell//

i'm still practicing....being in the now....