I've suffered in the throes
of writer's block for seven sordid days
I've spent the wordless week wandering in a silent daze
I tried to pick the lock to lift the fog and haze
But the words were stacked against me backed into their dark caves
They never left me entirely they were cold and huddled together
in the sticky-damp attic of my mind mumbling themselves chanting in time
I thought the ***** would loosen their fearful grip on reality
but the words proved to be a stubborn people
singing We Shall Overcome while hovering
behind my whiskey-drenched eyes
I tried jumping up and down up and down
nightly to rattle one word loose
Just a lonely word a sick child of a word
the one with the least hand strength and the most fierce imagination
but even this word proved thick with endurance
vitality perserverance and clung tightly to his handholds
Any attempt to moisten my palate with the
smooth syrupy texture of a word
was met with bitter reluctance by my parasitic tongue
as if a mountain man were holding a red-hot iron
inches away from my bread hole
There they clung with surpirising tenacity
on the steep cliffs of my inner skull
Some of them proved hungry to be spoken
but the sacred few I managed to twist into an
audible figurine balloon were useless and elastic
Words like **** and **** were flowing like ichorous
from the aperture in the front of my face
They dangled and then I broke free.

when leaving a pretty girl
you must go in phases
it will hurt too much
if you rip away like a band aid

when leaving a pretty girl
you must go carefully
because you don't know
when her bare thighs will
beg your eyes
for another glance
or
one last lustful dance

when leaving a pretty girl
you must go directly
before her eyes convince you
of one more long seductive stare

when leaving a pretty girl
she must know you will return
or
her wet lips will long for
someone elses'

when leaving a pretty girl
you must grab time--
stop the marathon--watch her walk
slowly away,
hoping you don't ever have to leave her again.

Today, today
I threw away
everything in my life
that was taking up space;
I dropped what I was doing
and I prepared a place
for you
now there's room enough
for two
you can be with me and
I'll be with you.

Tonight, tonight
I'll do everything right
call you cute pet names and
kiss you softly in moonlight
I will kiss
and I will hold you
and softly I will say,
"For you, my dear, for you
I threw everything away."

I remember walking up
to the Fiddler on the Roof audition
when I was fourteen years old
alone, feeling very unstoppable and confident
and then hiding behind the big trashcan
in the foyer of the auditorium
As they repeatedly called my name.

If you want something
throw it away.

I remember getting a *******
from a purring cat
in the dark
in a dumpster
behind a ***** bar.

If you love something
throw it away.

I remember buying you lingerie
and ripping it off of you
not even two hours later.

If you love someone
throw them away.

I remember seeing you
wear my shirts after ***
and how undescribably gorgeous
you looked then, glowing
and I thought about callling you
the other day to ask for them back
but then I realized:

If you loved in something
throw it away.

if it were a vaccuum,
i'd tell you to feed it things
-pennnies
-buttons
-engagement rings

if it were a bird,
i'd say to clip its' wings
-scissors
-tendons
-muscle strings

if it were a pull-out couch,
i'd ask to pull out its' springs
-bare hands
-cold metal
-chorus sings

if it were a bumblebee
i'd tell you that it stings

you'll say "I'm tired,"
and
I'm tired too
not hardly as tired as you
and not nearly as blue

I'm putting you
in the ground where
the dead men
go and where
that really is
no one really knows
but I will whisper
                             I miss you
right next to your ear
even though I won't and
                             I hope I see you again
even though I don't and
                             I can't stand to see you like this
because you know that's true
and
you'll just stare at me
                             tired and blue

Today I saw
a small white pebble
suddenly
burst open and
expell small specks
of multi-colored dust;
I guess it just
couldn't hold it
or help it.

And then I
trapped
a small black flea
beneath my fingernail;
it fought
and struggled but
I could hold it
and it
was helpless.

Today
I watched
as the sun
baked an
ant's bed warm and roasty;
it even smelled like
burning ants when
I bent
and looked more closely

Then I imagined
a black widow spider
fighting
off
three preying Manti,
they were winning at first
but she carries
the gift
of the Magi.

Today
I watched a
few horseflies give
fervent chase
to one another;
I'm not sure but
from what I saw
I think one was
the other one's
brother.

Today
I saw two flirting butterflies,
one gently kissing another
I bent my ear
so I could hear
what they were whispering
to each other

But
I could not hear the words
she said
by the wind
they were covered,
but in his eyes
I read his
soft reply:

I know
you don't belong
to me but
I will love you
like no other.

it's Friday morning &
we're up early sitting at
the windowsill after
shuffling as one self
down the carpeted hallway
toward the miraculous
coffee kitchenette with her
knuckles belt-buckled around
my hip bones & her head
tucked into my breastplate/armpit

still in our peejays
shirtless in sweatpants
rolled to my knees &
she's wrapped in the sheets
but still vulnerable with one
bare tattooed ankle living
in my lap

we're waiting for the sun
to sing an orchard symphony
to our skin & burn last night's
clear coat off the pane
so we can laugh & pull weeds
in the garden & share a
bath bomb afternoon or maybe just
jump in the river holding hands

just as I began to wonder
about the green/white/striped
thong she let me ****** off
last night & if she replaced it
she stood up
arched her back to
stretch out the dimples there

winked at me

& then she dropped the sheet

to the girl in the deli
whose whipped-cream face
is topped with freckles,

to the girl who winked back at me,

to the girl whose eyes
are sanctuary,
like a red-glowing fire on
a brisk autumn evening

to the girl behind the counter
wearing a hair net
looking cuter than
i don't even know what,

to the girl with dainty fingers
and shapely hips
and thighs like a sunrise
that creeps slowly across a room
to slap it's warmth across my face,





what time do you get a break?

I thought
I was just going to write
a poem about your eyes
but then I caught a glimpse
of the nape of your neck
and your throat
and your ***** line
and I watched a bead of sweat
trickle down your heaving chest

I thought
I was going to be fine
but then I saw your cleavage
and I melted into sand
and I sank into the ocean

I thought
your eyes were the moon
and I was being tossed by the tides
but then you turned away
and I drowned in self-doubt

there is a ****** on a street corner in a long white jacket
i have descended into a red velvet basement
i have kissed the new generation of buttocks, eyes & tender *******
there is a slow black river flowing under a soft gray bridge
and i have kissed the mist
mob of penguins hands out ecstasy
i slipped ******* into space needle
i cut a white line through puffy sky with a razor's edge
i rode a flaming bicycle through the center of your heart
1000 hands clap in simultaneous ******
i touched my finger to my forehead salute
i touched the hurricane with lighning bolt
i touched your revolution with intention
i touched your trembling hand with reassurance
i touched your shaking head with my soft wet heart

if it were left up to me
this whole poem could be worshiping
the shiny puddle of silver light the stars stained
onto your heaving collarbone when
we made love & connected souls first
under the third eye pyramid tapestry then
on a rough bed of flat canyon orange dirt
in summertime georgia

but it's not & can't ever be
because people don't know you
like i do for example they aren't aware
that you dance with a summer breeze
like the lighthearted yellow butterfly
i can never catch in a net or
that you're the reason
i became a writer to begin with

they probably aren't prone
to remember the october morning
you found me huddled just before dawn
in a half-lit safeway parking lot
burning my clothes & yellow wooden pencils for fuel
chewing the pink bubblegum erasers or when
you said i have a beautiful pristine voice &
i melted giddy into your wet violet
hair as the wind whipped it
i was around nine & in the third grade
so i sat patiently crosslegged & camouflaged
a lizard with my tongue out savoring
that moment like an unexpected
rainshower in the pre-puberty desert
listening to the rhythms of your salty blood
pump waves of breath out of your lungs

& they still don't know about
later on when i was walking home
shoulder bones barreled against the long fog
you picked me up again in the
immaculate rust wagon your brother left the keys in
you bought me firewood at a gas station got me
happy drunk on hot kisses & so paranoid ******
listening to thin lizzy on tape in your garage
you laughed hyena hard
when i asked you to marry me
that starless purple night on your daddy's farm
& so did he but he never really said no
& neither did your eyes they just glistened
like they were floating in olive oil as
you ascended the stairs to your bedroom alone
covered in magic enormous light

her name was Grace
daughter of the school's nurse
but in the sophomore locker room
after phys ed the boys called her Tubesock
because she was
known to take a foot or more into
her superhuman mouth from time to time
& my time was a quiet wednesday afternoon
when school let out early
for a faculty meeting & no one
was left in the administrative wing
except their children

"I want you to possess me"
she led me a trembling ape
into a medical supplies closet
full of gauze & the scent of latex
(the latter curiously adding girth to my ******* for years since)
i must've been dreaming or
i'd found the ideal mixture
of breakfast
vitamin capsules
& perfect stride during my daily phys ed mile
because good god she was down on her little red knees
incredible mouth already on **** through pants
unbuttoning them swiftly with one hand
actual tongue
actual girl
actual sweet lips
actual ****
which she then quickly released
from a too-small sports bra
during the hardening of the meat slug
slipping it smiling in/out of her mouth-soul
in my head i could only hear
synths
screaming saxophones
bass drums
maracas
permeating percussion rhythm
the closet a dark conch shell
resonating shifting vibrating
like the uncarpeted floor of a dance hall

proud, brave Tubesock taking my pink *****
in as far as it would go
radiating like a sun
teeth to tonsil
cheek to collarbone
with a deep southern-gospel choral hum
vertical as a sword-swallower
performing under a streetlamp horizon
my legs silent & stiff as she sang into it
glancing up at me at the base
making the smallest choking sound/lady like
fumes of her own ****** arousal blooming/flower like
into my nostrils from her scarlet tights
her left hand
holding my coin purse/doorknob like
gently pulling twisting kneading
her right hand
inside her own self
seeking a fire or some source of heat
in the drafty dark closet

when i came too quickly
(still a victory in my mind)
shooting my cannon smoke
into the midnight of her mouth
adrenalin shivering in my shoulders and throat
my hand locked around a lock
of her crimson hair
she unplugged herself & without wasting a drop
smiled back up at me
returned the unstiffened dagger to the
cold nest of my boxer briefs
but kept kneeling in the dark closet
split in half by the thin crack of light i created
as i emerged among the sound of seven hundred bells
to kiss the soul of revolution
a brand new too-tall man holding a lamb
bigger than god himself
standing on steel pistols for legs
shouting cursing beating my breast
under the sharp fluorescent light of a high school highway

remember the last great
unpredictable summer
deluded by codeine and cigarettes
pulled by lunar cycles toward reproduction practice
interconnected over coral reefs
before real estate won the forest
we slept untouched on the beach
encouraged by chemical overuse
with our hair tied together in knots
and seagulls flocked on long leafy wings
their beaks pointed out passed the big rubber sun
and i struck your vein with a needle
and you struck my strange heart like a runaway slave
you danced naked in the florida sun
and i stood behind you on tall stalky legs
laughing, getting high like an osprey
sweating into a shrine, wringing out my heart
on the banks of that lazy river in my hometown
when the sun went down we chased each other
through the thready umbrella of vines and pine roots
under the old abandoned bridge
a mile long

my mother was a dental hygienist and dad thinks he's an architect
which means i'm used to sharpened stainless steel exploring the interior of my jawbone and lying to my father to let him keep believing he built me from the ground up.

i've learned how to smell the circus
i've watched a black mongrel turn into a weasel
tonight the moon's nickname is
crooked betty
and the stars are
bleeding adam's apples
shining like a volcano

i wield a hacksaw and terrible excuses
my mouth is wet with jingle jangle
and situational confusion

everything is temporary.

I'm going to rile my way
out of this hollow
I will do what I must,
beg steal & borrow

I'm spitting bile today
venom laced with sorrow
there's no one I trust
no patience for tomorrow

I'm not going to smile today
let them all think I'm insane
I'll use words like
**** and *******
and I'll take Christ's name in vain

I won't walk a mile today
not in anyone else's shoes
my feet are just to big,
already tripping over the blues

I won't write with style today
I'll ***** these words onto paper
because I woke up on cold tile today,
realized I'm just a bottom-scraper.

if i wake up,
i will kiss the lips of a thousand
raindrops

if i wake up,
i will feed ten thousand
starving children

if i wake up,
i will crush a thousand
dreams

if i wake up,
i will ring ten thousand
liberty bells

if i wake up,
i will light a thousand
green lightbulbs

if i wake up,
i will drink ten thousand
mingling rivers

i peeked into your secret

i unbottuned your sensitivity
with your own sarcasm

you blew my vietnam

my heart is a touchy speaker cable
and you sparked me up

now
i am empty beer bottles
oscillating in your hand
and then you set me down

i am your nostalgia and
you can only think of bad things
like bruised knees and gout
and that summer you
had walking pneumonia and syphilis
and you cried every night
into your mother's arms

i am the cancer you faked
in order to gain attention

i am that boy that fell for it
and gave you syphilis

i am your shaved head
on picture day in the 9th grade

i am your solitude
i am your noise
i am your virginity
being taken in the backseat of your
brother's best friend's parent's
camaro when you were 15
and more than willing

There is a war going on inside of me
the battleground is my brain
One part is the rational side of me
the background, "You're insane!"

There is more going on inside of me
two animals I cannot tame
One part roaring lion inside of me
the other just purrs your name

There is a door opening inside of me
these things I cannot change
One side looks like Nirvana to me
where everyone's dressed the same
The other room's also familiar to me
it resembles Poe's House of Pain

this morning i will
pick a fight with the sunrise,
i will scuffle with the dew
i will punch the morning
right in the face,
for taking me from you

last night i danced
with you in dreams
and we never were apart
with the morning you've
been washed away
and taken with you, my heart

i am like a water droplet
fearfully gripped
to the lip of a paper cup,
the same as you are
like a delicate kiss poised
on mine.

except i am not made of
purity and clarity,
instead i am
a convoluted storm
of desperate confusion and
utter disbelief
and depression,
and you are just
a delicate kiss poisoned
by mine.

a few summers ago
i climbed the water tower
wearing overalls with
four beers and baked in the florida sun

i almost spent the night there
but you saw me from your window
and asked if i was thinking about airplanes

i hadn't considered them
up to that point
but then i was swimming
on a hot tin roof
with paint chips in my mouth

i stood to my feet and flew
like a pencil or a piece of paper
folded into a football
flicked at a 4th grader

and i landed in
your hips
and on
your
kiss.

I'm so glad
that no one cares about
Me
or what I write
or what I do
or who I am
or what I think I am
Because if someone
Did
I might be forced
to care a little about
Someone else  
which is terribly inconvenient for
Me
and what I write
and what I do
and who I am
and what I think I am

i remember the taste of my own blood
fondly
i remember my broken nose bone fellating my own
grey brain-mush
and how i could smell my own
ocular nerves
and my scattered smile
like a third period hockey player eating
a puck
and glancing at his mother in the crowd
i remember a moment suffering in the opposite of blindness,
and a canadian wearing a sombrero and chinos holding a guitar
i remember high testosterone levels
and blurred vision
i remember what knuckles taste like
and how bone feels against bone

but he remembers it too
he remembers how concrete tastes
and how embarrassment runs
like blood to the head of a man hanging by his feet
he knows the conclusion of concussion and
how much a hospital visit for a broken arm costs.

wonder what this can sounds like when
i crush it against pavement
wonder what an ant thinks about
when he hears the word 'enslavement'
wonder what a star sounds like when
it's streaking across a night sky
wonder what your hand feels like when
it's held tightly by mine
wonder what a car sounds like when
you and i are ******* inside it
wonder what your smile feels like
and how your spit tastes inside it

i
will find you
overdressed

i
was up and
i looked out
the window

i
imagined
i knew no one
in
the echo

the noise
opened
its grimy,
dark quarters

then
a break,
a mere stopover

i can remember what we did on each and every one of those fifteen days and nights.

like  just  ill  know  girl  head  words  hold  want  say  away  ­time  wasted  heart 
write  pain  id  eyes  dont  right  wrote  r­eally  think  night  left  listen  tell  thats  wont  youll  hey ­ old  youre
make  hope  start  word  drink  place  hole  lips  tr­y  got  inside  wanted  pretty  hear  hand  white  worth  paper
f­ace  sick  wish  good  things  maybe  morning  kiss  leaving  lov­e  mind  speak  look  caged  sun  small  high  oh  life  light  a­sk  forget  real  *****  heard  skin  feel  truth  blood  turn  c­omes  ear  hands  dead  dream  long  man  house  didnt  matter  w­et  perfect  tonight  work  burn  stand  touch  years  voice  ope­n  family  thing  longer
watched  pen  dance  pure  feet  youd  b­ad  care  day  alive  naked  better  gently  need  begin  sort  f­ight  does
hed  walk  thoughts  ****  trying  mouth  taking  whos­  warm  reading  revolution  shining  gods  whisper  skies  crowd­  taste  tongue  fists  sky  calling  attic  soft  cause  gets  h­elp  fun  wouldnt  home  god  met  fall  little  dark  nice  past­  best  christians  slowly  putrid  rope  used  hermit  hate  for­gotten  lungs  red  way  ready  eye  arms
bowl  held  set  brave ­ room  guess  grows  soul  tastes  microphone  window  wed  peopl­e  change  smell  lay  war  year  slots  fears  chair  holding  g­entle  lonely  talk  friends  wasnt  true  bed  glazed  breathing­  higher  ants
future  brain  believe  burst  song  laugh  wicked­  buried  seen  winning  fine  fly  leave  burning  mountain  day­s  leisure  hair  sharp  able  pet  knew  million  spend  mixing ­ saliva  hovering  syrupy  stumped  needy  feed
money  abandoned ­ betrayed  defend  egotist  fancies  wishing  zombie  standing  r­ide  pounding  cares  ****

she looked like a hipster
with lips
begging me to kiss her
so I
slipped her a dipster
but that
******* her sister
so I
let down my zipper
and dropped
a real McShitster
but then
she asked me to fist her
while I
was ******* her sister
but at
glance I noticed
a blister
so I
ran off and
ditched her

i have
******* in my pocket
                    i have
tricks up my
                    sleeves
i'm not asking you for much
just for you to simply
                     breathe
                     and breed
see, this is what i
                     need need need
kiss my mouth
and bite my chest
my cries of pain do not
                     heed heed heed
for they are cries of pleasure
                     yes, oh yes indeed

                     i have
the truth hidden inside a locket
                     i have
a naked picture of you

i asked you if we could maybe just stay
like this a few days or spend forever
sitting on the roof of a camping pavilion
with water on my cheeks running from
my eyes & you told me to never cut my hair

we are above the surface of the earth
green & magenta in all directions & your daughter
whooping for joy below us dancing in softness
at the bright fire's edges always unfolding
she is your personal blossom & i'm
pulling the yellow ribbon from your hair
with my sunset teeth while your eyes
send me signs of warning

but our souls cannot resist each other since
i came back from snowy colorado
after learning all my mistakes in a single year
& that night we escaped your mother's
cigarette breath and found shapes in the clouds
like an elf looking closely maybe sniffing at a flower
as your daughter giggling swam naked in the river

today we're pushing boats across brown water glistening
in the sun & sweat droplets collect individually
on my chest & your daughter's forehead but you're
wearing a crown made of vines & wild roses
& absolutely smitten with love glowing in
sepia tones shaking a tambourine

we drifted along until the sky peeled back
& we're carried into wildness by the
fragrance of fungus & mud as we struggle
under the long tarp against the premonition of rain
while she chases invisible fireflies the fresh
curls you put in her head begin to wilt under the
weight of gravity & the afternoon sun at the
wet edge of the river it's near sunset & i'm
kissing your knuckles nibbling on nourishing
sweat & fingernail polish

that night after she went to sleep we stayed up
drinking whisky warm discussing liars
& lucid dreams & my desire + inability to grow a beard
as she snored a raw spring wind rattled our tent
& my body began to turn against itself stomach
decided to see what i was really made of & you
were at my back convincing me to stay open just
breathe & be myself telling me i'm not a criminal

this morning i awoke desperately clutching you
spinning on a new earth red-eyed & suntanned
dream-caressed & with morning trash breath but
i know your hands & feet become hypersensitive
just before waking so i'm burrowing under bundles
of clothes to find your curly cues smelling
like new pine needles & cotton

after breakfast you're lost in meditation over
the magic of this little girl dancing again around us
glittered mouth widening into a grin beside the river
we're sitting close together on a sandy beach
blindfolded by the magnificent sun rising
in an acidic orange sky with your gentle hand
at the back of my neck under a tree

& i'm focused on a spider
suspended shining in the light not accosted by skyline
thoughts & the murmurs of distant traffic
instead unraveling new wet silk against
the glare of sunstruck aluminum

my cheeks are blushed in the glow of your midnight kiss
i stand blinking in the corner
i am a smokestack, i rise above roofs and water towers
the space above this city is never populated by heaven
fear of ****** in the streets
in a hotel room
or a bus
bombshell crawling over flesh flashes metal neon
i am a coffee mug gripped by puncture-marked knuckles
exuding white dreams and pursed lips
I went into the dripping door
I drank the yoke of an ostrich egg
I am a hog in sunlight, a dead rabbit on asphalt at dawn
I lift a palsied hand to beg a cigarette.