I've got this sinking
feeling in my chest
I hate to say I've got
to go
when we just
met

But I hope
you know
That if I
controlled the clocks
I'd set them back
so I could
spend the time
I wish I had
with you.

Serotonin
Dopamine
Acetylcholine
             Religion failed
but drugs have
        saved
           me

The heavens opened
wide
         and cried,
"We have abandoned you."

The ground burst
forth
         and cooed,
"We have a spot for you."

All my stuff
in         boxes
 I         guess
this is it

Now I know why
tortoises move so
slow

I used to be nice
before the world took my hand
and showed me the bad side
of everyone and everything
including me
including me

I fight everyday
to keep myself from going under
But the more I grab
the more it slips away
the more it slips
away

My mind is drained
looking for a way
to be less used
like the back side
of the page.

Old man eyes hide
behind rims covered
in Native design
Lens' of a dark
bark brown keep the
prying looks out
Honest irises are a virtue,
I was told.
Mine scream
"This head is muddled and old!"
So cover them up
Don't let the hungry
stares get past the
glass, sipping from that
red plastic cup
Honest eyes are a virtue
I think that's only true
for you

My timing is almost as perfect
as the broken glass
that lines my cracked feet
tired from walking
running, leaving
It'll be worth it
But my timing is almost
as good as that lie
that spoils my tongue
tired from saying,
"It's a big change. I'll
be                        fine."

I don't relate to
any of this anymore.
Buildings rip the sky
blocking out the light
of stellar smiles.
If I look out I can only
see for a few feet
not miles and miles.
I've worn out the soles
of my shoes
walking the streets
that sandpaper my soul.
I don't connect to
any of it anymore.
The lights on all night
pretending to be extra-
terrestrial
or the stacks of ads
that blockade my mail
But there aren't
any letters for me anyway
cause I don't relate to this
anymore.

My brain hurts
all day
from the constant
growing pains

I found your old
hackie sack
all the beans had
fallen out.

I've held on so long
that my fingers might break
under the pressure of the weight
you dropped on me
I can't shake this feeling
Like a pencil stuck in the
schoolroom ceiling, just waiting to take
the fall.

I've cried out so much
my throat might crush
I can't take the tingle
that intercepts my veins
like the warnings you gave me
straight to my brain.

I don't mind it
Shovel up another spoon full
lets get through with it
I like the taste of medicine
any
way.

My head of stone
won't let anyone in
these days

I'm a six foot castle
with a head made of stone
you tried to get in
but you battled all alone
My eyes are battlements from
which I fire missiles to
fight off all my demons
they never leave me alone

My minds a raging bar fight
with people throwing chairs
you came in a dress
you were so unprepared
My hands are devils tools
with which I make my music
I write up all my demons
they never leave me alone

But this is just a lie
my walls are made of skin
and they're not air tight
my eyes are just eyes
with a touch of blue
Irises and pupils with which
I watch you battle all alone

I know I'm not a castle but
I've got this head made of
stone

Got a better perspective
as you puked on
the floor

I ache for the pinch
of the coiled steel beneath
each finger tip
pressing down sloppy
thoughts and sheepish
wishes.
The polished red wood
sliding across my palms
each pluck sending out
the perfect tone to settle
qualms
and topple empires
while building up cardiac muscle
never mind the fumbles
caused by unuse and long nights
of abuse
But even if I had the strings
it wouldn't change a thing
not a thing

Words poured out like a salad
She wept and cried
yelling at the jumble
"You won't get me!
Just a big pile of salad words!"
Her dad stood in her doorway
while someone whispered
"It's not real, you aren't even her."
But she was on the phone with me
I heard every word
"I'm scared..."
fades out like the giggle she
keeps hearing and the
little girl that she has seen
"I was possessed once"
she told me, "maybe twice."
then we walked on the beach
everything seemed calm
two weeks later hearing
arms scratching the walls and
her dad standing in the doorway
is it real?
real?
rea
re
r

None of this seems quite
                                    right.
I heard it starts around this age
I might just have lost it.

Stella! Stella, I'm sorry
the last words before
I stopped
getting the dog
l          i            t

I will repair the c r a c k s
in my skin with gold
Broken but full of worth
with a little bit of shine

I      miss      the       days      when
   things        were      good    or
bad

An          empty
       bed

It would tighten its grip
every single day
But it would be great to rip
it off on the weekends

I'm neither here
                    nor there
a terrible rut where I forgot
                                    who I was

Being tied down
wasn't so bad
at least I knew who
I'd sleep next to.

Crooked glasses dangled from the tip
of her nose, tip, tap, typing away
                    "Uh-huh, yes, spring."
One third of a paper later,
my entire life has changed.

Here I am again watching swirls in my cup o' noodles
figuring out ways to dip and skip through some loop holes
Cause I'm tired of jumping though hoops
to prove to people what I am or am not willing
to do
Roommate's in the kitchen making fish minus the bone
and I'm ******, wasting time, putzing on my phone
waiting to hear from someone
anyone to get me out of this funk
it's been awhile but I know this place
the first hint of it was in the twice packed bowl that stunk
of the first step to giving up
To sleeping in past important positions of clock hands
like employers will understand, yeah right
feeling like I'm the man
but I'm the man of nothing
but an empty can and that
lousy mouse that clicks
flicks its way through millions of pics
of girls and tattoos and more girls
It's been awhile now, quite long enough
cause I just took that first step back to
giving....well you know.....up

It's all about that
                                                                ­               Whump!
It shakes the chest so
hard you can't catch your
                                                            ­                    Whump!
breath
Yup, that's it I flew the nest
                                                            ­                    Whump!
Making my own plans but
I can't pull away from that
                                                            ­                    Whump!
I'm an alien on a spaceship
charging up that engine
                                                          ­                      Whump!
Steering straight toward that sound like
                                                            ­                    Whump!
I hunger for that sub noise
rumbling, I'm addicted to that
                                                            ­                     Whump!

I swore I'd leave this place
Knew the whole time that I was
running away
from that shattered home,
that dead friend, that distraught heart pump

I knew it from the start
of the words that dripped from her tongue
                        It's
                             o
                                v
                             ­      e
                                       r
I knew I'd be running
that was the last straw
I'll use it to drink up
Jägermeister
snort up powder
crush up pills
I knew I was running but still
it's really hard to be a fugitive
from myself.

I walked through Bath and Bodyworks
inhaling every possible scent
                straight up my
                                          nose.
                ­                                          Burning my sinuses with
                                                            Ging­erbread and Spice
                                                           ­       Cinnamon Clove
                                                           ­          Fresh Cupcake
                                                                       Winter Berry
                                                                             Calm
so that even the smallest remnants
                                       of your smell
I could not intake and kept myself
from once again
           falling asleep wearing that
                  sweater that I took
                             to pretend was
you.

We all said how much we hated it
that little town with nothing to do
we cried and called about its absolute
           waste of space.
Oh we would leave it and be
                                                      Glad
­No one ever even whispered a
maybe I'll miss it
just a little bit. or
                                           I lived here my whole life
****
Then I went back to visit
and for the first time in years
                  I was having a great time
                      in that little town we all swore
                                we'd never
                                           go back
                                                            to.

I'm trapped in that place
blips and zings shooting out
lights thick enough to take up space
All I can hear is that bass and a sample
shouting, "Drop it to the floor make that
*** shake!"
Suddenly it's a competition
everyone asking, "Yeah, well
how many did you take?"

I feel them cranking up the noise
watch those costumed beauties
listening to the sample auto reverse
grinding up on those boys
"that's an *** quake!"
joy, joy, joy
we all got down to business
as if we were Mercy employees

Back at the hotel rooms the track
drops again, taking hold
of my brain in the back and
rocking my head side to side
I can't stop this feeling like
somehow I got trapped
in trap

It could have worked if we were older
Maybe in a few years you'll lean on my shoulder
on that hill, both back from college for summer
and you'll realize I'm your guy.
Or maybe not, maybe we'll be back
but you'll have a boyfriend that you love
more than you ever loved me
and I'll be asking a ******* a date to a movie
I'll see you holding his hand and I'll
remember what I wrote next to your name
in my phone

"Always take care of her even if it means
letting go"
Yeah it'll sting but then I'll smile
because I know
that I probably love you more than you will ever
be loved
You'll never know that but
seeing you happy is enough

And maybe you'll see me getting a girl's number
and you'll think back to that summer when you
gave me yours
Yeah it'll sting but you'll remember everything
that made you happy
Then you'll grab that boy and walk out that door
talking about how much you adore his
brand new hair cut
I'll look up and you'll be gone
possibly forever but
I have you in my heart
I'll always remember

Gorgeous girls never flock to me
with my goofy grin and icy feet
Sure some pretty ones come
and talk to me
But I look inside and what
do I see?
Emptiness, some worries about
what people think and a thick
vein of vanity

Don't get me wrong, smooth skin
is nice and makes me think
of giving in, but where's the
beauty of a wrinkled brain?
Where is the darling charm
that comes from thinking?
Give me crows feet from years
of laughing
maybe some scars for kissing
and a stubborn idea or two
to keep me guessing

Because flawless hair is nothing
compared to a flawed but thoughtful
mind
and big chested, large rear-ended
doesn't have scratch on imaginative
and inventive
**** walks combined with hips
can't hold a match to intelligent words
pouring from chapped lips

So here's to hoping that
sometime soon, I'll get the chance
to stumble and fall into a
wrinkled brain romance

I've got to be real with you
because I've never
been one to be fake
Telling the truth is messy
but it's a risk I'm willing
to take.
I've done my fair share of
forceful forgetting, taking
smoke and pills straight
to my face.
If you see this mom, I hope
I'll still be your son
and not a disgrace
not just another mistake
Like the marriage you lost
to alcohol, a pack of lies
costing four dollars and
sixty-nine cents, and a foot
too slow on the brakes

I can't tell you I've always
been good, acting like
I knew I should, no
I've lied a million times
I've cut a million lines
the carcinogens burning my eyes
till I go blind
I used to want help but
now I scream to the world
"I'm fine!" and ya know what
I just might be lying
it wouldn't be the first time.

But a brain in altered states
doesn't know it's in a cage
it feels like ink flying
ripping away from the page
or the main act on the
main stage.
So don't look on me with hate
or pity, or disgust
I'm doing the best I can
I'll move and change my name
if I must, but I swear one
day, I'll be okay
in that you can trust
and if you see me now, Ed
just know that even though
you are dead, all the things
I've done to erase my past
you're still sitting inside
my head, I still dream you
up while laying in my bed
I hope out of everyone
you understand everything
I've said. because I'd hate
to let
you
down

If you looked back now
you would see
all the times you
lost faith in me
Forgetting the flowers
wishes, warm dreams
spent wrapped in my arms
Only spotlighting the
things that went wrong

And when you left
it stung your heart
burned your head
but you told yourself
it's for the best

There is one thing you didn't know
That I would get better
I would get better
I would get better
but I wouldn't come back

Here I am better
here I am better
here I am better
but I'm not coming back

Tonight is one of those nights
rain beating out a rhythm
across the roof
Where I wish for just this night
once again I was sleeping
next to you

I was told
that the lines in my hands
looked promising

I just want to
live in the lazer lights
And breath in
the thumps of the bass

Buttoned up
with no where to go

Do we got ghosties
up in hurr?

Deft fingers trace lines
connecting neck to spine
all the way to toes
then toes and back
Summertime started with her laugh
Sun erased the world
bit by bit
till there was only wonder

Love stands tall in the summer
bright skies and steamy nights
Hands on thighs, nails, skin
dopamine pumped up by giving in
and waking up kisses
warm on my cheek

Never fall in love during summer
It will be grand, it will be a trip ,
the best time you'll ever have
But then winter hits
The love doesn't stand as tall
rain bends its back
Dopamine low in the brain
lets it fall

So fall in love in winter
if it seems magical during the storms
just wait till summer

Two ticks click
through my ears
fuego leapt from
steel grasp to burn
destroying as it
flares across the valley
Smoke billowed into
the clutches of
hard, purple plastic
pressing in from all sides
funneled into sacks
of tendrils. They cringe
grey swirls choking
off pipes and
blood lines
Veins bursting with
new chemicals
Spewed out over
the burnt plains
But the valley
is just a small
groove on a
burnt out, tired
brain