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My membrane is a flower and too many people have plucked my petals from the stem.
I ripped out all of the pages that had scripture in them, scripture that told stories of who I was back then, scripture I had written with a broken pen.

I kept your voice in a box that's in the attic, it's safe inside a headache, it still sounds nothing less than tragic.
Remember my hands and how they shook when you took everything away, when the demons weren't at bay,
when I screamed for them to stop but still, continually,
everyone's been taken away,
so when people stay please understand that I have to push them away like waves from the shore and ****, I know that's clichè but I'd rather die than let them live in my heart for only a few days.
They still try to talk and I reverberate about how it's unholy to say my name that way, it's unholy to keep me in the fade.
It's unholy to remember me by my eyes and not by my lies.
I have good alibis and it's nothing but true when I say that
I forgot what love means,
I believe it's an illusion that most people just dream, they told me I'm crazy but **** I think I've had more nightmares than dreams so I would know better than to keep my lonely stem stuck in bad weather.

They're over there seducing themselves now, they're seducing themselves with medication that leads to hours of a permutation of all the items in her chest, he leads her to a mutation of what he thinks is best.

I only weep between sheets.

They're far too confident in their self extraction and I just don't understand how that happens, how self absorption can lead to something so terrifying, placing yourself in a box so you can delegate yourself, you're too delicate, it's not good for your health.

That voice inside that box talks in third person now, it says you're not doing too well.
The hotel room walls
weep as the sandy hair
girl lays on her stomach
while dancing in a dream she'll
never remember.

Her skin was a ******* white
and there were water stains
on the ceiling that made out
the shape of a pistol.

Took a moment to take another
hit and murdered some more
of the hurt today.

It's 4 AM and my day never
ends.

I worked on the Whisky
because the Whisky was there.

I watched her sleep,
she slept like the dead.
when you
       so dear to me
      do hurt me
a pinpoint *****
is a razor’s slashing edge
       make gashing wounds
       and bleeding drains me
       bound scars to testify
       to the hurt
       the doer do magnify
i flee my brittle tiny shell
and don the mask of mirth
but fleeing never find
a chambered nautilus
which i would exchange for mine
       a twig is bent
       a leaf is fallen
       a grain of sand is lost
       a page is torn
       teardrop falls
       a lost one calls
when trust has grown
when choice is blind
when reason cannot reason
       a little twist
       a careless wink
       an unintended turnabout
              eats up a painful way
              to the heart that loves.
It is the times..
when there are too many thoughts
and the words
are jumbled on an exit ramp
waiting to get out
times...when words
just don;t work...
times when I need someone
who knows me well
to be there
and keep me safe
from myself
and my self destructive paterens
until I can move past it
and the words
start to trickle
and then flow
You may never know
how much I needed you
right then...
We may never know
what is it you saved me from...
but you did...
and I am thankful
and I can say so
now that words
again flow.
 May 2015 dancingintherain
Nicole
I'm atychiphobic,
I'm afraid
of not being good enough
to be a relationship
with a specific person.
Everyone,
or everything,
I ever cared about
end up destroyed
and I can't
let that happen to him,
not to him.
It's not fair.

--          --

I'm afraid
and that's killing me
because
it doesn't matter
how much is my desire
to be with you
I can't allow myself,
or that fear,
to hurt you;
that would be way too much
and I will never
forgive myself.
I used to love this chapter
A part of my favorite book
I showed you it
And you began to love it too
We kept re-reading this chapter
At first it was so amazing
But as the pages turned
The story took a turn
To a different path
And you got tired,
And left me.
You stopped coming
Back each time
But I was still stuck in the chapter
Wondering why
Why it changed
Why you suddenly got bored
But now I understand
It gets tedious same thing each time
So burn the pages
And tear us apart
Our chapter had ended
With no intention of a happy ending.
No child should have to
Look into the face of death

Not even the child within
Can know they're self-prepared
Some shocked stand staring in air
Perhaps the lucky ones
Quickly integrate despair

Some stand strong quickly moving on
Dissociating to get the job done
And now my psyche's on the run
At the sound of breaking bones
And the sight of blood and guts
A hundred years later
The fallout is quite abrupt...
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