Running away has never sounded so good.*
No more pain.
No more fights.
No more nightmare filled nights.
No longer I'd be a burden.
No longer would I trouble you.
No longer would I tangle up your life, I'm sorry it was what I consumed.

And maybe I care to much.
But honestly even though your writing wrench my heart,
I'd rather read your writings because then at least I know you're okay.

Higher than a cloud, I'm never coming down.
I like the was it feel up here.
All the pain is numb, the voices in my head remind me of what I've become.
All the painful symphony's dead.

I didn't want to let go because you actually make me feel cared for. I heard it in your voice and felt it in the tightness of your hug. *Someone actually cares.

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness.
Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying.
Nobody knows what's going on with you.
How could anybody realize what's happening?
Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow.
But for you, there's no difference in the days.
Everythings just one endless blur.
Sometimes, it's as if you're not even there.
Just flesh, taking up space.

I said "I'll see you tomorrow"
But tomorrow never came.
God decided that he needed you back home with him again.
On January 31st God said "your work on earth is done"
I sure will miss you dearly,
but man did we have some fun.
I remember every Saturday from back when I was real young,
You took me up to the lake, we spent all day in the sun.
You taught me how to bait a hook,
An even clean a fish.
You taught me how to cast my line then reel in once it was time.
I remember when you built my mini bike.
All with your bear hands.
You taught me how to ride it and mended my wounds when I crashed.
I remember the days we spent out by our pool,
The weather was warm but the water was refreshing and cool.
You didn't usually come in, maybe once or twice.
But when you did, oh boy was it nice.
I remember climbing on your shoulders and you launching me in the air.
Across the pool id make a big splash
And a big rain shower in the air.
I remember how we used to pick our vegetables in the garden,
We both agreed that after growing our own food store bought things taste pretty rotten.
I remember the time we traveled across the country.
Making fun of people on the plain,
We thought we were pretty funny.
I remember all the motorcycle rides,
The wind flowing through our hair.
Not always knowing exactly where we were going
But as long as we were together I didn't care.
I remember how hard you worked day in and day out.
You were always so selfless, you had a big heart, that I do not doubt.
You always were willing to lend a helping hand.
People knew they could count on you when things got out of hand.
I remember the way you smiled, and your big boisterous laugh.
You were always cracking jokes.
Always using humor to blow off steam and smoke.
I remember you calling me your little bug.
You squeezing me tight, I loved your big bear hugs.
I remember all the little things you use to do.
I'll remember you always.
I'll always love you.

I don't think it's normal for a 16 year old to wonder about these things.
*What would be the quickest way to rid the pain?
What would I have to do to **** the demons that drive me insane?
Would anyone notice if I was no longer around?
Would anyone care if I were six feet
                 U
                     N
                          D
                               E
                                    R
                                         G
                                              R
                                                   O
                                                        U
                                                             N
                                                                   D

I know how the saying goes
Fall down seven times
Stand up eight
But I've come to the point where getting back up,
Isn't worth all this heartache

As I read tears well in my eyes.
All I can think is "Don't give up, not tonight."
Or the next.
Or the next.
And every next day after that.
Don't give up.
I love you.
I want you.
I need you.
I know it's hard, but please Kay.
It'll be alright.

You told me before that if you had to live on this hell hole of a planet, then I did too.
Now I'm going to say the same back to you.
I know it's hard.
I know it hurts.
But please,
just hold on.
I promise you...
It will be alright.

And I hate it.

It's exactly what I said to Kay.
She was on varsity I was on jv when we got really close.
Your exact words were my exact words when I told her I wanted to die.

Now you've moved up a level and so have I.
Ten o'clock at night and you start to cry.
But baby please hold on tight.
*Don't turn out like me

but I did.
And now there's nothing I can do.
Every day for the rest of my life,
I'll have to deal with this.
Every day I have to wake up, look at myself in the mirror,
and pretend I'm not disgusted... with myself.
I'll forever have to live with ruining something so precious.
Something(one) so fragile.
Something(one) who couldn't even fight back.
Forever I will be haunted with what could have been.

I really wish you would have been there.
I wonder if it would have made you proud.
To see me back finally starting again.
I wish you could have seen me finally make my free throws.
I wanted you to see the look in my eyes when I made my layups.
Everytime I did something good,
I found myself looking into the crowd for your approval.
Only to find no one.
I'm not going to lie and say I didn't have a good weekend.
I played well.
I scored.
Got tons of minutes.
I can honestly say I feel like I left it all on the floor.
But there is one thing that could have made this weekend better;
you.
I know you didn't even have importanat plans either.
You were just dinkering around in the yard and going to the bar.
Couldn't you just take one weekend for me?
I just want to show you that I'm worth it.
That I can do it.
I want to prove to you that this isn't just a waste of your money.
I want so badly to make you proud.
*But I can't do that if you're not there.

Do you days ever get so jumbled,
that nights run into days and days run into nights.
Reality becomes your dreams,
dreams becomes nightmares,
and night mares become reality.
Reality that runs into the night.
Or day?

*Perhaps it's only afternoon.

stop telling me my hair looks bad
I already hate it enough
Stop commenting on my clothes
I'm only dressed and put together for you
Stop commenting on my body
I stare in the mirror hating myself every day
Stop commenting on my skin
I've tried every remedy in the book to clear it
Stop putting up standards for me to meet*
Im doing the best I can

My parents think it's just the flu.
I guess it could be if love could get you sick.
I feel queasy all the time.
I can't keep food down.
I'm tired and my body aches.
I tremble and shake.
My head pounds and spins.
But it's just the flu right?
No
I may be sick,
but it is nothing that can be cured by a doctor.
No amount of medicine can make this go away.
There is no cure for the hole in my heart.
Do you know what it's like?
I bet you haven't got the slightest clue.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to live with a hole in your heart?
To lie on the floor screaming.
Begging for the pain to stop.
Before you know it,
you're racing for the bathroom.
Running to the toliet.
Your stomach hurts from sobbing.
Here comes dinner.
I go back and curl up in bed.
Tired and aching.
Mom comes in and ask if she can do anything.
I just tell her I do not feel well.
Who knew love could make you so sick.
I miss you.
Every time I think of you;
every word you say to me...
it all just makes me sick.
**But it's just the flu right?

I know I say it a lot,
But you're my strength.  
And I just wanna thank you for that.
For holding me and just letting me cry.
You didn't try to tell me it would be okay.
You didn't try to calm me down.
You just let me be sad.
And sometimes, that's all I need.
I need someone to hold me when I'm feeling low,
To remind me that I'm not alone.

Daddy no.
Daddy please don't go.
I still need you
Even more than you know.
Who's going to be there to walk me down the isle?
Who's going to pull out the shotgun when a boy takes away my smile.
Who's going to fix the leaks in the roof?
Or **** the spiders that lurk in my room?
Who's going to check the closet for monsters or fight off the ones under my bed?
Who's going to calm the fears that run through my head?
Who's going to teach my kids someday how to catch the biggest fish?
Or how to turn last nights leftovers into a fresh new dish?
Daddy no
Please don't go
Can't you see I still need you,
More than you know.

Roll it up
Breathe it in
Let the hot air warm me to the skin
Take a puff
Hold it in
Feel the numbness start to sink it.
Light it up
Feel the glass on my skin
Finally this is where I feel okay again.

All week I've been dreading friday.
Because I know you're leaving.
Part of me is happy.
You're going to do and see great things.
It's time for a new chapter in life.
But the other part of me is beyond sad.
Because, what if i never see you again?
And what if I can't see you before you leave?
The thought of that breaks my heart.
You mean so much to mean and you always will.
I love you.
And I am forever changed my who you are and the friendship you have blessed me with.

They check your wrists
But never your sides
They'll believe all the smiles
*Concealing the thousands of lies

Mama please don't,
please do not cry.
I promise you it'll be alright.
I'll take the beating this time, I'll put up the fight.
Mama please, just dry your eyes;
*I promise you everything will be alright.

A million thoughts running through my head
They all cause me to weep
A million thoughts running through my head
All I want to do is sleep
A million thoughts running through my head
The voices they won't stop
A million thoughts running through my head
Until the final bullet is shot

The monsters don't live under the bed or in the closet anymore.
They live inside my head.
They feed on my heart.
They still scare the living **** out of me.
Maybe now, even more so then when I was little.
Because when I was young, mommy or daddy could make them go away;
check behind the closet doors...peek under the bed.
Give me a kiss, tuck me in, and my fears would melt away.
But now that Iv'e grown up, I have to face the monsters alone.
Mommy and Daddy can't calm my fears anymore.
I face the monsters by myself;
and Iv'e never been so afraid.

Ive told everyone Im over you
and everyone believes me.
I act like I dont care that your gone
but its all lies.
And everyone believes them so easily.
But honestly, I dont know if Ill ever get over you. Ever forget you.
I can still remember everything you said.
All the times you held me in your arms.
Whispered I love you.
My heart still aches, every ******* day.
Everytime I hear your name, it feels as if my heart is going to be torn out of my chest.
I feel sick to my stomach like Im going to puke when people talk about you.
Tears still flow for you, every **** night.
Every night I dream of you, your face haunts me in my sleep.
Because honestly I still love you.
I always have.
And I always will.

Your names on my birth certificate.
Your DNA runs through my blood.
I have your eyes.
But those are just small physical things.
They say sometimes your dad isn't just the one who helped to give you life,
but the one who actually stands by you.
Cares about you...
and proves it.
At times, you've been more of a dad to me than my real dad ever was.
Ever is.
He gets so disappointed in everything I do.
Grades. Sports. Life.
He yells over everything I bring home from school,
so I dont bring anything home anymore.
If I need something signed for class, I come to you instead.
You never scream. Never yell.
Instead, you just encourage me to do better.
You help me to understand more.
He gets frustrated that I play so much.
But I love it, and I dont know if he gets that.
Instead of being encouraging and supporting, he gets mad over it all.
Another late practice. Another tournament.
Well guess what?
Winners arn't made by sitting on the couch.
Im glad you understand that.
You're always so encouraging and helpful to me.
Picking me up for class.
Staying after your girls are done to give me a ride when Im done.
Simply telling me I had a good game.
Sometimes thats more than he ever does.
Sometimes he doesnt even come.
Sometimes, he doesnt support me in anything.
Even when he knew I was at my lowest point, he kicked me while I was down.
But you didnt. You dont.
You found out what I was doing to myself, and you never once judged me.
You're always there to crack jokes and make me smile.
You're always there for me.
Whether I text you in the middle of the day or the middle of the night.
Thank you.
For all that you've done. All that you do.
I couldn't ask for a better coach than you.

What did we really fall into?

In the beginning we fell into friendship.
We had the same interests, we got along.
We could talk for hours about nothing and everything.
Playing  jokes on each other all the time, making fun of one another, laughing until we couldn't breathe.
It was magical.
Then the magic became even more powerful.
Soon it was phone calls, letters, spending every moment we could together.
Deep conversations, spending time with each others families.
I just cant forget the was your lips felt so soft on mine.
The way hot hot skin felt pressed againt me.
My heart beating faster than a druggies.
Then I guess it became just physical.
I felt the love drifting away.
But I kept telling my self that since I'd given you a part of me,
maybe youd stay.
**** my thoughts. My stupid decieving thoughts.
Because then, I dont know where we fell;
but it was terrifying.
The distance grew.
Conversations got shorter.
Eye contact got awkward.
And I couldn't even look at you without tears welling up in my eyes.
Why'd you make me say goodbye?
What did we really fall into?
Love? Lust? Hate?
Or was it just a neverending pit?

Everything on the outside seems so great,
but on the inside everythings such a mess.
I put on an act every day,
Ive really become a good actress.
I can fool everyone with my smile,
they all thing I have it together.
In reality though,
Im falling apart.
Im closer to death than Ive ever been.
No one would notice or care.
Im just waiting for the right moment to be alone.
Say goodbye.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings.
Almost a year ago, September 15th,
two angles were taken home to watch over me.
I could never understand why they had to leave,
but now I know it's because I needed extra eyes watching over me.
Keeping me safe and out of harms way,
their hands on my shoulders when daddy made me afraid.
They took the wheel when the roads got tough,
their arms holding me tight when times got rough.
Now and again I shed a tear,
I love them and miss them.
I wish they were here.
But when I'm feeling sad
and all alone;
I feel my angles right by my side.
Whispering in my ear
*Don't worry, you'll be fine

I love the times when the smiles arn't forced.
I love it when I can't stop laughing.
I love it when all the sorrow is dulled.
I love the people who make this possible.
I love how they are always there for me.
Making me smile.
Making me laugh.
All the jokes we have,
the relationships we've built.
All the long car rides, overnighters, team dinners.
I couldn't ask for better friends and more than that, family.
I love being truly happy when we are all together.
And I hate being apart.

They're the scary ones.
The,
What if I don't stop at the light?
And I let that semi hit me
What if I veered a little to the right
Let the guard rail crush me like stone
What if I went so fast around those turns I couldn't control the wheel?
Id like to tumble down the hill and say goodbye
What if I decided to make it home safely?
But pressed a little harder in the tub
What if I didn't wake up tomorrow?
*What would you do?

But I think I'm falling in love with you*

Gotchu on my mind when I listen to all them love songs

And she's trying her hardest to fall asleep but she can't because every time she closes her eyes, she's terrified of what she sees.

Don't cry and say you love me while you're standing at my grave.
Maybe if you'd told me before this wouldn't have happened in the first place.
Don't visit my grave every week bringing flower and reminiscing on old memories.
Maybe if you made more of an effort to talk to me we could have made new memories.
Don't look to the skies at night telling me you miss me asking me why.
Maybe if you'd cared this much before,
I wouldn't be six feet under the floor.

I used to be afraid to die

Now I'm afraid to keep living

*I don't want to live without all of you

I am literally about to scream.
At my own ******* teammates.
Stop the comments about her.
Stop putting her on the side of "I know why he's being why he's being"
No you don't.
You have no idea even half the situation.
So just shut the **** up.
She's not a bad person, she's just had a rough life.
She's just a scared girl going through a hard time.
But honestly aren't we all?
Stop ******* judging her.
Worry about yourselves.
Please.