Numb.
I'm the careless, selfish person I never wanted to become.

Eighteen years of being alone has left me jaded and believing love doesn't ******* exist. Guys will settle for my body for a night with no intention of knowing my mind.

And, perhaps worse, some even stoop so low as to pretend to be interested in me - ask me about my family, my religion, my passion, my stance on politics - with the underlying intention to just use me and never speak to me again.

Those are the ruthless kind of boys who give ****** up, broken girls like me a glimmer of hope. There's nothing crueler than making the hopeless hopeful - earning their trust only to crush it again.

And now I can't look at the stars without thinking of him. I knew we'd never love each other, and was honestly only remotely attracted to him.

He was just the first boy to ever look at me that way - like I was something to be desired. He took what he wanted under a thin veil of respect, then left me staring at the stars and feeling like the stupid girl I am.

We were never meant to be in love.

There's not enough songs about being alone.

Not like your friends are busy and your family is out and you've just had your heart broken.

Like your friends were never really your friends and have finally given up on the charade. Like your family is surrounding you physically, but they just don't understand - because they just don't care. Like you've gone your whole entire God ****** life without being called beautiful by anyone that matters - let alone be loved by someone. Like you give and give to anyone who is willing to take - anyone who even looks your way without a hint of disgust on their face - you give until you're empty and you have nothing left. You can't even keep yourself company because some part of you is convinced you don't even exist. Like the loneliness that drives you absolutely insane.

Exactly that kind of alone.

You do not know pain
I repeat
You do not know pain
Not until you have watched the words "I do not care"
Fall out of the lips of the person you hold most dear
You do not know pain
Not until they look at you and smile
While you fall apart
You do not know pain
Not until they act as if the world is well
As yours comes crumbling around your feet
You do not know pain
Not until they have nothing left to say
Letting you pour yourself into apologies you have no right saying
You do not know pain
Not until they ignore your very presence
As you walk around turning into the ghost they want you to be
You do not know pain
Not until your love and your heart belong to such a cold soul
A cold soul that once warmed your insides and reminded you of hope
You do not know pain
Not until they steal your last ray of sun
And give it to someone who once meant nothing when you meant the world
You do not know pain
You do not know Pain

What is this strange feeling that has fallen over me?
I burn like a demon being touched by a rosary
Yet I dont move away, I continue to suffer
Enduring this pain acting as if it will make me tougher...

Pain......Pain.......Pain......
Death's Gentle Touch.                

Pain.....Pain.....Pain.....              
A measure of a souls worth.
                                      
Pain....Pain....Pai­n....      
A simple reminder, of what we are.
                    
Pain...Pain...Pain...        
Fragile, weak, selfish.
                  
Pain..Pain..Pain..
We learn from it.

Pain.Pain.Pain.
But what is it we truly gain?