i have 3 helpings of pollo guisada
the fat girl in me was still salivating from the saborrr
its soo good, gracias bamba thank you
she smiles at me
watching me take each bite to notice if i
somehow crunch on a bone and make a face to then
tell all the family in puerto rico that i
was disgusted at her food.
she takes a seat,
ghloe, why ju so skeeny mama
ju no eat en school ?
i look from my placemat with a water stain and to her,
i smirk
of coursee, it just disappears to i dont know where
she walks off back to the kitchen to start preparing tupperwares of her leftovers for my dads lunch breaks for the week
i went on my health app and logged my progress-
still nothing,
i thought about my inability to gain
ran up to my room and started to write.

i wrote a page worth of everything that has happened in the past 13 hours
and tears welled up in my eyes and
yknow the works
and so i got a lighter
lit that sucka on fire
as it slowly crumpled into grey fragile pieces
and after it was done

i stared at the ground
looking at the remains of my distressing situation.

i got up
turned around
and went back inside the house for some
cherry 7up.

was she ever even mine..

we woke up super early
unzipped each of our tents in stealth mode
and tip-toe ran all the way up the hill
to brush our teeth y entonces
give each other a lil morning lovin’

we walked back down separately and started up a fire
not a metaphoric one in our hearts of course
but the story changes depending
on who’s asking..







come back osi

i’m mellow and my
hair roars and
commands
it secretly envies
pin straight hair
but ella es orgullosa
she won’t say so
i scrunch and apply
leave-ins
and butters
and serums
and locking gels
wash day is a great day
but she needs so much
every curly spring needs tending to
wash day
where i scrub my scalp and
am never surprised when i find
stray bobby pins
falling to the base of the tub..

time heals they say

but likeee..


my clock just broke and
it just so happensss it’s gonna take
a while to fix it.

Then I’ll be able to keep on going as if
nothing happened.

Tio Daniel,

I'm really happy that you decided
to join the Navy.
Just finished boot camp and then off to Japan, right?
I tried to go to your graduation
but my dad wanted to go himself
since he wasn't allowed to be there
for most of his little brother's life..

When we met for the third time
in San Diego, we spoke for
a while and I told you about
how I write and
how my mom is really tough on me about grades.
and you just sat back in your chair for a little bit
then looked at your girlfriend
and started telling me of how much I look like my father
but I'm like **** krystal because she always kept
journals when you and her lived in the group home
and that was her outlet
to get away from everything.
And through it all she turned out just fine.
A single teardrop made its way down your cheek
going right over your smile and then
you hugged me
and told me I'll be better despite everything.
Despite our family's past.
Despite what we still go through.
Despite our fear of the uncertain and uncharted waters.
must be why you joined the Navy.

can't assimilate myself
into reality
mixing and floating
making friends with these
emotional beings we call companions.
it's beautiful
succinct and scary all at once,
being allowed to exist past every sunrise,
the ability to recreate our existing into living
let me fade like gold-plated silver
while I smile as the earth beneath me curdles and becomes
hollow
like the humans that inhabit it

Today
I was thinkin'
bout all the girls
and boys
that turned 'to
girlfriends and boyfriends
straight outta their
playpens bein'
frightened by their
fears of aliens and boogiemen
Today
I was ponderin'
bout that girl I saw
wanderin' and
squanderin' her life
away on him
Today i was thinking
about the ones who spend there months
chasing the moon and like floatin'
Today
I got to wonderin' 'bout
the children who were
outspoken
listened
and paid attention
to the instruction
they were given
as young ones
and grew up to be
doctors, physicians,
and firemen

All these poems remind me too much of us

and what it what was like to love you

the only word that crosses my mind


futility.

emotions preserved
like peaches in heavy syrup
too sweet
forgetting all the bad
reveling in thick happiness of the past-
take a whiff and i can taste your smile again
-again
a thing that was done already
a safe haven you look back on
i impale a slimy peach slice with a fork
try to shake off excess preserve while it drips
back into the cup
gave me flashbacks of how my
heart looked in your hand
while blood trickled down your forearm like
a melted icee
graze teeth against the
flesh and you’re still here
-still, again
funny words for beautiful fools
things go back to the way they should’ve
been
not how they were and
i pick up the container
knowing that they have grown too rich
-old.

im just a sack of meat
who cares about too much ****
and shuts out negative opinions from well-meaning people
only hoping to
prove people wrong
only trying to give those the benefit of the doubt
and is just too
goshdarn
emotional.

i found myself in the middle of
an intervention with family and friends
alike.
A wrinkled hand with long opal-colored nails
stroked my shoulder.
soon enough a folded chair was cracked open for
concerned persons to tell me their opinion on how
i should’ve done things.

Up first was Eileen.
she looked more clean yet saddened a little..
i saw it in her gentle eyes-
her long eyes that were only brought to life
at the bonfires in the bronx on late nights
when she was supposed to stay at ‘buela’s house.
Tio found out one day and fixed her up real good
yet the gossip in my family spread like wildfire.
She shared a couple of words on how she’s changed for the better
and she should’ve caught herself sooner.
it was the association of her bad friends that got her in trouble.
though i’ve seen her come into my house at midnight
eyes more red than my father’s “tans” when we used to go on vacations together..

her eyes were constantly darting back to Tio for approval of her statements i guess..
i tilted my head ever so slightly to the right and
studied her posture and replayed those words over
trying to see clearly where she put the emphasis.

we both knew she wasn’t convincing anyone.

second we have abuela from PR,
came all the way here just to see if it was true..

her eldest granddaughter was taking therapy.

terapía es para los locos mija
she’d say.
she gave me a cocotasso and said
that since i never ate enough as a kid,
i grew thin and it effected my thought process.

She diagnoses anyone like that though.
After a while,
she told me that i should be
the strong young lady that i never was
and go to church.

later on you came..
you looked pale and your ears had a shade of red
you started getting the shakes..
you had this look of concern
hoping you weren’t the reason why i
attempted to quicken my life span.
you blamed yourself on your knees pleading-
yeah no that would never be you.

you never would beg.

you brought me the seashell i gave to you at the beach that one time but this time
with a small quote written in Sharpie on the inside..

we loved with a love that was more than love

and you cupped my hands in yours and sat quietly with me..
i secretly enjoyed every minute of it.

after all the bendito’s were said
i was then left in the solemn
chipped baby-blue painted room
that had a small painting hung up
alone
on a small string only with the support of a rusty nail.

hung up
the image had a small boat on a
vast blue sea which evoked a feeling of
an adventurous spirit and hopefulness in the
unknown..
which was soon fizzled out after remembering my surroundings..

i got up out the chair and grazed my small fingertips over the engraved designs of the wooden border..
i then delicately brushed the dusted canvas..

and i realized
that the tiny man on that boat will find his destination some day
however
i may not ever find my own.

where it seemed like i’d pick a
flower for every
worry
every anxiety
every flaw i saw
but didnt have.
The few succulents
would
soothe my nine and a half year old
mind.
the cool wind
that would uptake
my body when i was
flying
in the local park swings.
i swore i was soaring.
i’d close my eyes
and if i could just lean
to touch the blossoming tree over the gate
and at least pull a little flower bud off-
id look like a real angel.
tudor park,
where id run
sweat beading all over,
stopping at moments
panting like a big dog to cool off and then
I’d start all over again.
forgetting about how sick i felt
forgetting the big news i heard
about my mom
forgetting i’d have to be a
big sister for the third time.
just running.
not thinking.
getting lost at times
and being fully content with it.
i want to go back to these days
at tudor park
tudor park,
when my dad was done
playing basketball
i remember,
he’d asked me what i’d been doing
by the bed of flowers
I’d stay silent,
gathering a flower out of the soil
one by one
and he’d say i’d turn out to be just
like my mother.
I have her eyes.
He didnt know how right he was.

i can never admire a garden again
for i see your reflection in the flowers..

i can never write a love letter again
for i fear it reminds me of all of what we had..

i can never deny you again..
for we both know
i can’t..
and

i can never be myself again
for i fear

you’re doing fine
without me and my
melancholic writings..

with every single
cell
in my body
every single
breath
i draw in and out
with every
living insect to every human pest
walking
this earth
with every single
keratinized strand of hair
that breaks through my scalp
i can wholeheartedly say
i hate you



good luck

his heart was just a
street food that
people indulge themselves in,
the girls,
like the children they once were,
insisting on using their
chore money to have the delicacy with
powdered sugar and drizzle
atop of his stillbeating *****
she winced and smirked
the sight of it
vulnerable at the fair
his heart juice dribbled on a sleeve
because of her
the thought terrified yet
satisfied her

to be wanted once again..

we layed it on
thick
on broken floors
on tears
on fights on wednesday mornings
on heavy silences from hearing she let him come back home
our foundation
attempts to hold the weight
of what this became
from when it started
born aged
our love was smoking cigarettes
we bought the apartment with the
crack down the ceiling
and the pots boiling go get it!

i’m an odd one
you’ve made me clingy
i hear you respirate over the phone
when the moon gets cold and
covers herself up with black sky
slowly in and out it would trail
like the first astronauts steps on the moon

making strides with such ease
knowing that he’d stay up there if he could..
you go silent as if you hear my thoughts

you’ve made me obsessive
and i mourn people that aren’t dead
and i have health issues that i never bring up to the doctor when she asks
i hesitate when she asks to examine me
but the feeling seems to vanish when you come around

i don’t shave my legs and underarms in the winter
because they’re like built in body scarves
yes my puerto rican genes have made it feel so

i think about people who don’t want me too much
but who doesn’t
no one is wanted as much as they’re told.

love is relative
those who search will never find
yet
i stumbled into you.
we’re over yet i thank you
for your presence
scar tissue developed over my
still-beating heart-
making it difficult but not impossible.
i loved you-
don’t you understand?
mounted up on you-
you whispered you’d never dream of hurting me
and like a beautiful fool
i showed you my full hand and you
played me like it was poker
showed me your cards in the end
and i
was the joker.

i don’t want to
dance if it’s not
with you.

and he called her that night
needing her consolation
and she avidly listened to him
all the sniffles
every shake in his voice
his trauma,
loud enough to startle the dogs,
was evident..

and as the night went on she continued to try her best
to distract him and it worked

and off to sleep he went
leaving her with sniffles and shakes in her voice
low enough for some to here

and she stroked his head through her headphones
and tried to push away the thought of
you being someone else’s
someday ..

let me love you down in
lavender sheets..

like an explorer to newfound treasure
why venture away from my greatest discovery yet..


your love.



-im not leaving you my dear..

he took me to see the orchestra
i watched them while he watched me
both with eyes of awe
the synchronization of up and down bows
commanding emotion and
the harp in his chest strummed gently that evening
it hadn’t sung the way it sang that evening
i leaned towards the stage encapsulated
holding my hand he felt a sense of permanence
that if i heard the music i’d stay and the pain was worth it
and reminding him when it’s good it’s real good

he took me to see the orchestra because i played violin then
i dreamt of going back to school to practice more
i’d finger the notes under the table at dinner every night and i’d lose track of time and he noticed that and
he loved how immersed i could become once i fell in love with something
and he wanted not to wade but dive into me

he took me to see the orchestra because he loved the way i wrote then
it was complex and he didn’t understand it and it made him discontent with what he knew he appreciated how soothing and real the words felt
like running water on a cut
it was refreshing
cooling and he just wanted me to see what he heard when peering into my vessel and her prose

she had the eyes of a venus fly trap
my looks didnt matter to her
she was decadent..ever so gracious yet a female that i couldn't call my own..
she knew this as well..the tease..
my options pixelated
the what-ifs buzzing around my mind
blurring the vision of the mere fly (me)

she caught her prey
stem straight awaiting my arrival,
almost in a presumptuous manner,
already assuming my dignity will succumb to her unholy desires.

ravenous teeth disguised as wispy lashes
devouring my very being with every


blink.

you packed your bags
and i gave you the freshly-printed plane ticket
and the taxi guy honked in front of the house
and you gave me an endearing look
and told me you’ll miss me and you’ll update me
every step of the way

and pulled me by my back toward you and
lightly kissed my lips and
you walked to the door and

held the brass **** with sadness
and i didn’t let go
of your hand..




kiss me harder before you go

so succulent his tender love is..
“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth,
For your expressions of affection are better than wine.”
intoxicating

making me melt to my knees
every time you hold me..

girls that wear purses for book bags to school
are the superior race in the hallways
and don’t you dare bump them !
they have a significant gait that commands
attention
they are
the sugar clumps in abuelas café that
she grinds with her spoon
and consumes with her soda crackers

he initially lost his mind
when the apple blossoms started to come back from a long absence..
wishing that when he picked up his hand and stroked the bark of the tree
he wasn’t smelling rotting insides of old war pals
..never getting to hold their mothers petite hands again..
yet the apple blossoms

so clean
like home
home
where he thought that once he signed into the draft
fighting for his country would be a
beautiful thing

but in reality
both sides get hurt..





you will never be free

i watch people when on mulberry,
there is always the little man
that hides in his
shack-type flower shop
extending from the deli
he keeps it closed when bristling winds
fight through the plastic flap that
tardy boyfriends peek through and plead for
orchids when late to their dinners
there's the tall slender man
with a faded stick and poke on his wrist
that takes turns
smoking and drinking his coffee
and hocks up phlegm and shoots out
like a spiderweb
the oblivious little girl with
***** blonde ringlets
steps on it with her new light up skechers
being preoccupied looking at puppies doing their business on
signs that say clean up after your dog

and then i boarded my bus to see the same thing unfold tomorrow.

my mom likes to entertain scenarios
of how her life would’ve been
sans my father
lilah and riley wouldn’t have been here
she raises her eyebrows in disbelief
of the life she’s stuck with
you would’ve had a stepdad and a new step mom

crazy.

divided household and i would’ve
met you still
but not’ve known you..
a boy i knew until i was in 4th grade
maybe weeks on and weeks off at my moms to dads would’ve spared me
from your routine heartbreaks you graciously offer me with a ribbon on top in my
favorite color-
brown
maybe if i had 4 parents they would they have taken me to do my hair when they found out about my
first boyfriend,
curls sizzled to pin straight strands like strained love ties,
the 2 houses glowing as if
it was Christmas
and the 3 magi would be different this time-
in the form of middle aged hispanic women
offering advice on how to make him
immovable
completely entranced with my 14 year old being
wrapped around my nail-bitten-to-the-nub finger
siempre joo need to wear perfumé
the first one said
always wax joo eyebrows y joo piernas- no man likes a hairy girl- es
disgusted
the second broke down
her neck & nose was shiny with vicks
the third eyeing my from across the room
disappointed i turned down
the idea of brujería

Wendy,

what we have is a
tough love.
To be respectful i
have to call you
****/auntie.
But honestly,
you're my age so i really wont.
You've got a lot of attitude
and you're never afraid to
speak your mind.
Sometimes im amused by it
but my amusement of that conduct
only lasts so long.

even though your tough,
i could be tough too.

You were't raised with my father
and grandpa's not around.
Then shortly after
you were seperated from your mother
for being with the man she's with.
Since all four of you were seperated,
you guys all came out different,
but grandpa's strong genes led you guys to
all have the same
eyes
eyebrows and
the gene that gives you the extra urge
to want you to act on your anger..
hence why grandpas' in jail.

From the way you talk and carry yourself,
i realized that you want to live the way your friends do
with families that seem to have their lives all together.
instead, you put up a barrier
giving off the impression of
you not giving anything and
you could care less and
you could handle yourself
fine.
But when i look in your eyes.
You're crying out for help.
Admit to me
you're broken and you need help finding the pieces
from the disaster that has destroyed
years worth of childhood memories.
that had destroyed you and
has forced you to grow up.
that had destroyed you and
now resorts you to tapping into your
grandmas liquor cabinet from time to time
to "let go"
just knowing it will come back to you
right after the hangover.

we bury our feelings, hypotheticals,
and curious hearts from the remnants
of what was left in the void where
we both stash away our junk.
Only for the illusions to be rediscovered and relived when
"the time is right" like the ****
you keep in your sock drawer.
we bury feelings deeper and deeper only
to reveal that we couldn't really live without
the pain and memories of love and
how I was never good at playing games.
I almost expect for us to never be able to
be the same.

.
and it seems like the only time
we speak our deepest thoughts
fears and
wonders..
is when one of us knows the other won’t remember
the next day..

in my dream
i heard you
telling me a joke

i woke up at 12:33 in the morning
giggling and reminiscing

of how many others have missed out
on my prized possession

love it when you call me baby
reminding me
of the time before you fell out
of love for me

where the ink dried
the spot where you couldn’t squirm between that rock and a hard place
the yellow tape and hazmat suits
and the church bells that rang and laughed at you while you stood outside
and thought about him getting married to
the one that was never going to be you

but that was only after

all the calls
and the dinners and
the slow dances in the living room
and the strolls around the park
but then came the doubts
and the arguing and the
deep seated resentment that became apparent

and it was like
she never really knew him
only a silhouette of what he used to be
should have been..

Lovely
Is what you are
you drive me to the moon
I can’t stop thinking about you
wondrous..

a show for the masses
you entertain and
appeal to many
your facade is undetectable
so no one knows who you really are
you claim you dont need nobody
and
i
in the background can not help
but notice
you did not blend your mask right
only acting like you were healed,
did you break..?

my true love
my father
was a stressfree
person growing up
I saw the look on his
face change
we were both getting
older
and he sensed that
As I got older and started
to fit into
new clothes
He started to attract
worry lines
I never saw him like this
never
and i didnt like it either
As i got older i got more
wiser and
my meta-cognative awareness
was peaking (or so I thought at the time).
People started to notice me
while he still remains worrying
worrying that ill change
and wont be
daddys little girl
anymore

“I want it to be accurate” she said.

“But nice as well,
you are in love with me aren’t you?”


I wrote.

just got out of the hottest and longest shower
cuz i felt like i could possibly make my problems swirl down the drain.
there was no towel so f00k it-
i walked up to my room and took a nap in the nudee

i woke up to a paper under my pillow
i felt the crisp feel of it and i ripped it out of its hidden place.
It read:

“Longing is the joy of being sad-..”

i-i didn’t understand..
in smaller font than you usually write
it said..

“..i’ve been longing for so long i couldn’t describe..
im limiting myself with you..you wouldn’t understand..
i had to go... i hope you still love me..”

i peeked out the window beside me and your car was gone..
as usual.
i just laid back in my bed
and tucked myself in
and fell asleep to the sound of my world falling apart.

and they could all tell
that she was writing
but no one cared and they continued to
speak about cockamamie things
and she continued writing realities

because fantasies were just too rich and out of reach
and bad for her health

like a birthday cake shake from the momofuku milk bar right about now...

ive been struck by an eternal love
through every shape and form
i will love you one way or another

i love you
and out of all that i am uncertain of

this will always hold true.

I couldnt fall asleep three days ago
so i layed down with the jacket that you gave me
at the anniversary party we both went to
where i got
"cold".
I missed you okay?
There
you have it.
i missed you
and i started giving
the collar of the jacket
kisses.
weird
i know but i had to.
I fell asleep eventually
knowing you were doing fine.

Two days ago
I couldnt fall asleep again
Crap, i forgot to take my pills.
I grabbed your jacket again
thinking it could help me in some way.
Thinking too hard about the possible ways
it was helping me in a magical way,
I started reminiscing
about how good you are.
And how great of a father you
could be.
hold up.
kids?!
What am i on right now?!
god its late.
id lean back again and give your collar
more kisses and
an embrace.
And i drifted sound asleep
to the faint sound
of your laughter.