My heart's a fountain of blood,
spiraling out of control,
you're the one who tugs tightly,
I'm on constant patrol,

Drink me, make me feel real,
behold my soul to your eyes,
memorise every inch,
so you'll never say goodbye

Leave me now,
prowl for my mind tonight,
I'll invent a face
for my name's sake.

We try to find the ways
this could make us better,
in the dark we stumble,
searching for a ladder.
Care is an adhesive,
attached to our hearts,
and when roots are honest,
a tree can never fall apart;
Soon, we will have a forest
to soothe our scars,
until then, we will find hope
in decaying stars,
and a night will fade
from black to grey,
random glimpses of light
will remind us of what is true;
we are sublime,
even when enveloped in blue.

I've two sides;
Anti's the one I'm not.
I start to decipher black from white,
I start to part two halves of my mind,
separating the moon from the sun,
bathing in this runner's high;
Tonight I won't say goodbye,
I'll just whisper *"Goodnight."

My Melancholy,

I cannot welcome you anymore,
I can't run towards you
with open arms.
You make me think of the moment when Cinderella's  only hope
was reduced to shreds;
You tasted just as hopeless,
just as irreversible,
unleashing this desire in me
to turn my back on you.




**A/N: Looking forwards to happier days ahead  (: what did you think of this one? Please comment... thankyou for reading! ^.^

I do not like the feeling
of the invisible seatbelt
strapping words to my chest,
still, I'm not safe yet.

I do not like the feeling of deadline
mouth shut, closed
human heart numbing,
I think I'm becoming
sad again.

I do not like the feeling of
my mind bending to work you out,
you are eating away at my heart,
silent music of my decay,

You're my poison gas;
*I do not like the feeling of missing you.

"Do me a favour;
*do something else".
Do me a favour;
mind for yourself.

Do me a favour;
stop pretending you care,
Do me a favour;
do not "be there"

Do me a favour;
just let me fall,
Do me a favour;
don't even call,
Do me a favour;
don't speak at all

Eradicating you might be too kind,
Perhaps ****** might be too kind.

depression, the musical
the only musical
without a rehearsal
it isn't picky with its cast
in fact, its director retired
the moment it met you,
now it's you

depression, the musical
the only musical
without a proposal
you are meant to be its director
but all your chords have frozen
and now all we hear is static

depression, the musical
the only musical
without a melody
i'm sorry but,
we were too sad to craft a beat
too sad to dismantle ourselves
from our beds, get up, and eat

depression, the musical
i'm too tired to stay awake
depression, the musical
a thief stealing my sleep
with all the clutter it makes

depression, the musical
the only musical
that requires therapy
you see, a musical like this
is rather toxic, rather mental,
rather real
because after all, it is all
in our heads

all in our heads.

- crimsyy

a/n: thankyou so much for reading! i hope that through this poem, i've helped someone, anyone, in some way. If you do suffer from depression, please don't hesitate to seek help. I'd like to say that, as someone who has struggled with depression, i have come a long way from where i was this time last year. Recovery is a long journey but not only is it worth it, it is possible.

Vinyl Chloride*

I try to soothe
my haggard mind
late at night,
I try to run from you,
because your damage
soaked all my bones
and all the happiness I owned.
Your name dug my grave
ahead of time,
I'm sorry, but you crossed a line;
You cannot trespass my heart,
you cannot say you loved me most
because when I bled in the dark,
your presence was a ghost.

You are winter
and I always fall for you,
as Autumn does
when rain comes knocking
on its leaves
and soon Autumn and I
are lost in a breath of
fresh petrichor;
you are rain
and for some unknown reason,
I'm always begging you
to drench me, soak me.
You are a notebook,
often closed,
spine seemingly unbroken,
and I, a starving poet
ripping at every page of yours;
I hope you won't
fall apart with me.

I could chew my way
through all the armless hugs,
through all the silences,
but an infestation of truth
tore away the mask
which allowed me to pursue
such a mindless task,
and now I can no longer
act so automatic,
no longer just a passenger
in my own mind,
I'm either indifferent or dramatic.
And now the entrace is closed
for what I detest,
you're a part of me and
I hope you don't mind,
but darling, your knives
were always the hardest to digest.

In this dangerous situation,
I don't want you to be an enemy,
But I can't hide my opposition
to how you deal my heart
your blasphemy;
I am quiet, but I care,
I am quiet, but I bleed
when hit by your darts,
So convince me blood is art,
as I fall into your snare,
I see you have it in you
to split me apart,
but I have it in me
*to forget you by heart.

Acetone

You're my hopeful undertone
and *that is where
all this love is
vulnerable like acetone,
because if one day
this all ends,
where will hope go?
I must place my hope
in the stars,
because even if all else crumbles,
they will still be there,
shining, burning,
reminding me dead
things in your heart
get lighter the more it gets dark,
reminding me that a star lit sky
is capable of fixing
a person's broken parts.

let everyone you know and love
become a metaphor;
strip them of their normality
find the stars in his eyes
and drown in them
you must believe that everyone is a canvas, including you
so choose your decorations wisely from the palette of emotions your heart carries

when you find him
love him until you burst
and when you burst
burst until you can
no longer apologize because
maybe his hands weren't fit
to handle a love like yours

when you find him
love him until you burst and
when you burst
burst until you
don't need to apologize
because maybe his hands
are willing to handle
a soul like yours
he won't be perfect
and he will be coated
in mistakes and forgetfulness
but you'll love him anyway

look at all the stereotypes
and see what extraordinary
pieces of **** they are
look at all the people
and see that we are all
books waiting to be
understood by avid readers

feel intensely, feel sad,
feel happy
think these feelings are only
unique to you
and that only you have cracked
like a diamond under pressure

come up with artistic ways
to say no when hands begin to roam

when his tongue
crashes with yours
and when his mouth collides
with your starving lips,
make sure you stir well;
your lips feel more alive when
they're peeling and numb
from a lover
trust me

when you find yourself
become a metaphor
find the stars in your eyes
and drown in them
know that you are a canvas
and that the palette of thoughts in your mind is not as dull as you thought it would be
believe me, you are the most extraordinary being;
a bona fide alchemist.

- Crimsyy

a/n: thankyou for reading! Please comment your thoughts on this poem  (:

Toluene

You slip away from me
just as I'm about to reach,
time escapes us
like a clover
missing its fourth leaf,
stuck in the jungle
of my thoughts,
I can still find you but
I feel like you're the closest star,
visible, but too **** far.

And where's my luck
when the wrong date
on the calendar turns out right?
I haven't seen you
in a fortnight
and now I'm starting to feel
the absence bite.

I'm falling apart
because I can't remember
your lips or
how it feels to
drown in your kiss.
You're a nuance in
my memory:
I always remember a lot more
when it comes to you.

But this time,
I've forgotten the
sublime ways you
made me happy,
And I'm reminded
in each aching moment,
of how the breath in
my lungs constricts when
you're not near;
I miss you dear.



*Hey everyone...a little sad poem but that's because I felt that way. Please comment your thoughts / constructive opinions on this poem. Thankyou for reading! ^.^

i'm not quite sure when
i fell inlove with you,
but there's no turning back
i drink you
increase my intake
the dimmer i get

i like you
hot, milky, and sweet
i drink you
not to escape reality
but to feel more awake in it

they say a good, warm cup
of anything
resembles a human embrace
so maybe it's not caffeine
i can't get enough of

maybe it's erasing
all the armless hugs
maybe it's loving myself
in ways he never did

i drink my cup of tea daily
like popping a bottle of comfort
on the weekend
increase my intake
the deeper i feel

i like my cup of tea
hot, milky, and sweet enough
to erase the sour taste
of his name dying in my mouth.

- crimsyy

a/n: thankyou all for reading (: any thoughts on this poem?

Your eyes looked like
you'd never want to leave,
Your hands seemed to be
crafting something beautiful,
something, something
like the breath of a shadow,
the hope you'd decide to stay,
but now it is me, not you
that wants to roam away.

Why have you not left yet?
I've heard that when you
combine my fading heartbeat
with the tears parading down my face,
a haunting melody is produced...
I swear to God, it's your favourite song
and you keep abusing the replay button,
but you still don't know me.

The heart inhabiting my chest
is not my own,
I'm sorry but it had to be done,
I can't love you darling,
I've borrowed someone else's heart,
traded my softness for something
twice as hard.

"Who would love such a
toxic conundrum?"
I whispered in the early
hours of my existence,
starting as a lukewarm
substance,
gazing into my pristine heart,
my empty core.

Then the fate of life saw to it;
to stain my skin and give
my emptiness a name;
Hurt,
no.
Ignition, match,
or maybe their hands.

I can't tell when those things
had a distinct identity
and didn't just seem to be
my heart twisting and
my core splitting,
soaked in chemicals,
all mixing.

There are cigarette lighters
everywhere you turn,
they look like brown eyes,
rough hands and vinyl collectors.
But I realize I am something
to be inhaled;
choose dying over pleasure,
give me your utmost devotion,
touch me as I burn.

The corners of my mind
are filled with new life,
Where gunfire and silence intertwine
and happiness crawls on a knife.

Please, please
take a step inside,
witness the frozen breeze
of the monsters I've mummified.

You will find no easy path,
my mind is a complicated maze,
either peace or utter wrath
mixed with a hurricane to glaze
me as I bathe in the ash
of my self doubt blaze.


Title is French...have fun figuring it out
muahahaha.. thankyou to Kitty Ting -
**Our conversation inspired this poem.

I'm a cluttered fairy
strewn all over the mattress
on my stomach,
hair; a cluttered catastrophe
but in the morning I know
I'll be able to comb away
all the knots from my heart
and songs will be the match I need
to ignite a spark.
And now, I am done
with being an actress,
I am done with
overdoing things, with
overthinking about you;
have you thought of me at all today?
Either yes or no, it won't matter babe,
Ain't sure I need you to live anyway,
if I didn't cross your mind, I won't weep
I'm not alone,
it's 11:55 pm
and I'm taken by sleep.

- Crimsyy

You wore a grey sweater,
denim jeans,
and an expression to
match the weather
which I took to mean
the forecast of your heart
hadn't been sunny
since that night I broke it in half.

But I knew I had to
give us another chance
when the light in my eyes
began to dance,

Because love only hurts
on the way out,
a substance we sip so strong
and can't go without,

And we all surrender
to the heat
because it's what makes
our hearts beat.

Caffeine, oh won't you
awake me as you always do?
Even with effects circulating
and my mind over-contemplating,
I'll ask you to be my next move,
a mistake I won't need to soothe,
lungs taking deeper breaths,
bringing all distress to sudden death;
A bundle of rawness I inhale,
A bundle of vulnerability I exhale.

Framing me as "good"
will do twice the harm,
admit that I'm faulty
no more false alarms,
I reside in every face,
any religion, any race.
Always buffeted between
right and wrong,
from head to toe,
I'm flowing with flaws,
and to escape this bloodstream curse,
I'll write my misdeeds out in verse.
- Anti.

1.  When I am bored,
     I will play with my hair,
     until I have more split ends
     than your ex.

2. I wish I could go back
    to not living inside my head.

3. I get nervous around you,
    although I know you're no
    danger to me,
    I just want to be loved;
    When I am poking you,
    I am actually poking my breath
    out of your arm;
    Forgive me if it makes
    you uncomfortable,
    I mean you no harm.

4. I don't want to indulge you
    about what I ate today,
    I want you to examine me
    as a poem,
    maybe then you'll be able to hear
    the meaning of an "I love you"
    frozen in my throat;
    I will wait until the time is right.

5. I am but a balloon
    floating, floating,
    in the world in the
    body of a girl.

Carbon Monoxide*

Without you, it seemed
a part of me was incomplete,
it seemed there was a void
that nothing else could fill,

But you never brought
my heart summers,
all you ever gave it
was a paralyzing chill,
a cunning cut from air
and I couldn't believe
how wonderful you appeared to be
until you almost killed me.

Tears eroding my love for you,
Too many rivers I've cried for you,
I wish I'd never kissed you,
I wish you'd never held me,
I'll be fine again
right after I demolish your face,
You were never going to lead me
to a bright place.

You, you only messed with my head,
brought my love back from the dead,
made promises you couldn't keep,
never said goodnight,
let me drift alone to sleep
and living in your silence
has told me all I needed to know;
all the words you haven't said
have shown me exactly what you meant.

I can't amputate my
disappointment forever,
I can't keep burying my face
for your name's sake,
now my pain will leak in ink,
and don't dare ask if I'm still yours,
because my answer will be
a slammed door.

Tar*

You tried to undermine
what I was to you,
who you became after
you met me;
I do not believe you were better
before I came into my life.
I know you find it hard to tell the truth
so I can't give you fault
if it kills you to swallow it,

But before you met me,
you were a walking trainwreck,
Coated in insecurities that were
flashing like neon signs
in the way no one had seen
your face in days
because of all the makeup.

How easy it was though
to wipe that facade off
once you realized that even
without coloured in eyebrows,
someone would still truly
care for you.

I truly cared for you,
and the only payback I ever received
were empty promises of
"I'll be there, text me tonight,"
feeling so alone by your side
that even a teacher's drawers
felt like better company,
a knife to my back
when I wasn't there to notice,
and jealousy when I
finally started smiling.

It's not me, it's not me, you see.
It's not me you're questioning.
It's not me who propels this
dark side of my psyche.

Anti hides behind my friend, Hope.
Anti hides behind my friend, Light.
Anti has resided in me for quite a while.
Anti hides behind every face-lighting smile.

Anti is not my happiness,
It's all the sides of me I'd rather not see,
All the sides that feel so right
when they speak of the
wrong things to me,
So real, so authentic.
Anti's not who I'm meant to become;
a contradiction manifesting
itself into my body.

Sometimes, I feel it take over me,
Sometimes I let it win.
That's usually when people
start to not recognize me,
That's usually when I feel
my kindness freeze,
I feel my impatience
and tolerance cease -
I can no longer digest
anything around me.

I want to place my head
on your chest and
feel your heart race forever.

- Crimsyy♡


Something I did yesterday (26/9/16)..
and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. Some things and some people are worth staying alive for.

Methanol*

I was a bandage
which you ripped off
as soon as your wounds
were healed,
because I was loyal
and what a mistake that was
because I can't be anything else,
except what lies on
the opposite end of the spectrum;
completely detached and indifferent.

Maddening methanol,
blinding me with your impurity,
but now I see
what a fraud you were.

"Losing" you didn't injure me,
your absence didn't sink
its teeth into me;
you were sour as
sudden abandonment,
I was more than glad
to be rid of *you.

You are all as loud as
a vaccum cleaner,
The living room's a refrigerator
and my room's a heater.

And he,
He is my safety zone,
a smell of his cologne
and I know I'm not alone,
I cannot name the feeling in a rhyme,
I guess it feels like erasing bad times.

Why'd you decide to get
annoying and inquisitive
when I'm high on love?
Why'd you push my buttons
when I'm on a high, love?

When I'm sporting that
love drunk smile,
just leave me alone for a while,
it takes time for an
overdose to sink in,
meanwhile, just trust that
I'm living from within.

Numb loathing cannot portray
all the words I could say,
I may shake but
my insides rage.

Here comes my sun,
to me, you're no one
I'll be alright,
I'll sleep tonight,

You're childish, disgusting
placing empty words
where "sorry" should be,
Sorry I spat you out,
I just detest sour coffee.

Watch me set
your words on fire,
Watch me pull out
the card that'll
end this game,
watch me wash
my hands clean of you,
watch me forget
your name.

- Crimsyy

My name's Anti and I crave
the dark side of a day,
I'm insecure and
sometimes I can't define what I think,
I push people away,
I've gotten so huge,
my victim sees a shrink.
I won't be tamed by pills,
a substance holds no power
over a force that kills;
sure, I'm prone to blind infatuation,
extreme heart palpitations,
but has no one ever told you
of my evergreen determination?

Butane*

I swallowed knives,
coughed up blood,
your un-inked mistakes
entered my body
and you didn't feel
like love anymore,
you were mind-numbing,
a flame guzzler,
itching for someone
to love you
no matter how
fake you were.

I'd love to erase all the pain he caused
and heal your thin scar of a chest
cause I know no matter how you try,
some things you haven't forgotten yet

When I thought of your soul leaving,
I couldn't stand the ache from not knowing
if your heart was still beating,
I hope you don't take the risk just for fun,
I hope you know you've got someone

I need, I need you
to keep your blood running through your veins,
keep your gloves on
since the heat's gone,
I need, I need you to stay

I know I've been "checking up on you"
for the last week,
but lately I haven't been able to fall asleep,
cause I can't listen to the sound of
my own heart beats
when the only music I can hear
are maracas shaking

and I cry

because those aren't maracas shaking,
those are your prescription pills quaking;
since you've been digesting them,
has your vision shifted from grey?
Because, although it might be
selfish of me to ask,
I want to know if you
thought of me at all today.

Oh I must say
I was so very bold today,
when your mouth lingered longer
and I let it stay,
tasting you in and out
without more than a single thought,
if you're the kidnapper,
I must say,
I'm glad i was caught.

I'm a kid at the candy store,
let me eat you out
until you're the only thing
I can taste in my mouth,

Oh I must say,
I was crumbling today,
now you tell me
you don't know if
you can stay?
Oh it feels like
you're gone already,
And I've got sorrow
that's too heavy to carry.

I'm an expert of this artifice,
A trickery, a disguise,
to let this mask remain
is a mental sacrifice.

I hide away every flaw,
taint my face with happiness,
it is a ruse
I over use, over abuse,
a bloodstream curse.

And so I keep them coming,
like my sanity isn't running,
I keep them there, under my nose,
won't let no one glimpse my woes

I puke smiles
but are they real?
I puke smiles
but is smiley how I feel?
Nobody willing to investigate,

I puke smiles
just to conceal,
I puke smiles;
they're your "happy" meal
and they're never up for debate.

It is a mess -
But it's MY mess.
That makes it valid,
it gives this mess a purpose...
Even walls get lonely when
they have been too bare for too long.
Don't you get lonely too?
Putting everything in its place,
folding your days away with your
perfect, delicate hands,
don't you wish you could live?
Yes, there is such a thing
as living outside of
perfectly folded napkins,
perfectly sparkling doors,
so much urge and
want for perfection,
it makes me want to puke
all over your perfectly shining floor.
Have you ever considered that
sometimes more is less?
A mess to you
is not a mess to me,
my mess ain't there to serve you
my mess is there to serve me.

Goodnight, sleep tight
Please don't lose your mind,
Take this second
with me and just breathe,
feel free for a minute,

I love you more
than the meds you take,
I love you more
than the screams my mind makes,
I love you even when
my voice shakes;

Oh I want to lose myself
in your endless sea,
I want to let you see
how much you mean to me,
how your touch,
how your kiss
brings me bliss;

How you rock me to my core
where others have not been too kind,
How in my mind
I find a place to drown,
but in you ,
I find the shore.

My head tangled up in
knots I just can't hide,
they can never crawl out of my mouth,
the words I say feel like a draft,
a draft of my mask uncurling
but there is a time where
all my monsters come out to play;
they've learned to swim in my craft...
don't you know hurt stains a person
the same way a permanent marker
stains skin?
I cannot keep this masked
habitat within me.
Time to tear apart the veils
before Anti declares me its bride
and when the sun goes to sleep
behind a curtain of black sky,
I'll survive, I'll survive
Resist the pull to the other side.