Red - Hello Poetry

Red Nov 2018

momentary feelings of contentment
appear in the solace of substance abuse
my personal pockets of happiness
presenting itself in seductive caramel pills

family tradition collapsed in my bottomless glass
thick fluid dancing amongst cubes of comfort
sacrificing sanity for seconds of clarity forgotten
four minutes of freedom from my insecure narration

i awaken to mistake stained sheets mangled violently beneath me
but this alien form I present in doesn't communicate my thoughts
for my aching fleshy cage is not made of meat nor cartilage
skin of sin engulf my devious bones pulse ticking like a time bomb

I still feel the grime stuck beneath my fingernails
I claw and scrape but the sludge takes permanent residence
the harmfully minuscule reminder of failure pushes me off the edge
falling forever but never reaching my deserved demise

stuck in limbo I'm trapped in a bleaker version of purgatory
last nights choices weigh painfully on my intestines
boulders of regret forcing my anxious form to fasten in its decent
but the comforting splat never reaches my deformed ears

it is here in the free fall I carry out my personal catastrophe
shirt ***** stained as my permanent plummet sickens me
years of sinking pass as i endure my eternal punishment
my immortal agony mutates into a sadistic contentment

a sheen of sweat sticks regularly to my aching soul
a permanent hangover and a never-ending come down
i find more than peace in this cataclysm
amidst my deserved torture pain melts into a masochistic enjoyment

Now I'm absolutely mad
flesh falling away from my body
the only tissue that remains holds my grin firmly in place
Happy as sin

#sad #alcoholic #help #sadistic #mad #insane #depression #addiction

Red Oct 2018

m0ther

mother never cared as such to tell me to eat my greens

her absence of discipline matches her obsession with greed

mother can't you see how my tantrums reflected yours

my screams for affection silenced by gin and locked doors

mother never cared as such to tell me to eat my greens

now I smoke them to forget her face and burn out my genes

for my mother, the unfortunate reality being we are bonded by blood, making it mandatory to say i love you. im unsure how to love a person whom i dont know but in a sick way i love you more when youre hurting me. even though you dont remember when you drunkenly told me i was a pest not a daughter it really never surprised me- i guess youve treated me accordingly

#mother #family #hurt #abandonment

Red Oct 2018

1NS0MN1ACS 1N TH3 AM

2AM
I am assaulted with emotion at the notion of closing my eyes
            my drunken blackouts are the only peace I seem to find     deprived of my liquid therapy I sink into my thoughts
              ignoring atrocious reality brings no solace to a villain caught

                                   3AM
paralysed within myself calling out from my empty shell
              a stranger inhabits my skeleton but I'm yet to hear alarm bells
my identity's gone missing but all the poles are poster-less
                          suffocating on small talk I'm lost in exquisite sadness

                                                            4AM
do my eyes of infinite tragedy hold the same tone of desperation?
          dead detached peepers resemble marbles glossy from sedation
privately frantic for acknowledgment of my internal death
                        fearful you see my demise but see no value in my breath

                                                                                       5AM
           mother dearest placed me on the curb for a foreigners collection       unworthy of a garage sale I squat amongst the household rejections
       amidst disheveled furniture a crusty mop makes my acquaintance
I suppose the oppression of my despair made it less contagious

                                                                                                               6AM
whoever claimed sunrises bring hope never tried stimulants
                the ***** smeared sky bears as much nausea as I implement
such is the tacky masochistic cycle of damnation
                                  give me my slice of death and pray I don't awaken

                                     i
  grieve
                                                 my
                                                                 whiskey
                                                                                                  as
                                     i
  grieve
                                                  my               humanity

its 5 ******* am i have not slept nor have i slept for more than 2-4 hours for 6 days straight. my selfish mind wishes you to bare the weight of my thoughts and avoidance of said burdens. that or someone get me a drink, whisky on the rocks preferably.

#sleep #anxiety #depression #insomnia #ptsd #mother #sad #night #day

Red Oct 2018

ANXI0US

I've run a marathon of emotion
my heart can't catch a breath
            insides twist dramatically
                                lungs feeling empty yet dense

blood drained from my face to my stomach
a lump of fear makes home in my throat
my brain is all but a bipolar muscle
anxiety climbing an unsteady *****

are the walls as close as they appear to me?
       my organs compacting and imploding
                 squished by the pressure of the deep sea
                                 I open my lungs and gasp for salvation
                                             succumbing to the bitter waters of anxiety

god
must
  be
                              sadistic
                                               just
                                                                           as
                         he
is

distant

for hana

#anxiety #mental #illness #confession #social #depression #god

Red Oct 2018

BLACK0UT

traitor words spill from my traitor lips
         a violent regurgitation of chunky conversation
                flopping pathetically onto the pavement below
               like a hopeless orphaned seal taking its last breath
                      I seek answers in strangers gin flavoured lips
                       gluing bottles to my mouth like my father once did
             a disturbed individual addicted to distilled *****
aching to wash back my word ***** with whisky
                 I enjoy waking to split skin and bruised knees
my blackouts are as close to death as I can get
      maybe if I'm lucky I'll slip into a permanent sleep
                       I deserve this fate of headaches and chipped teeth

there is no
night                                                                                                                                there is no
                                                                                    day
  only vomiting
                                          and words washed away

Red Sep 2018

THE B3GGAR

I've misplaced my identity
It slipped from my sticky *** covered hands
I froth and rage when asked for my name
spit blame upon others because I've lost myself
tragedy is nestled in the cracks of my family life
burrowed in school classrooms and house parties
I never noticed my life was submerged in it
consumed by that cruel water of humiliation
I am a beggar depending on my next stray dollar of affection
clinging hopelessly to its contents for survival
they coax me with promises of change and adoration
yet these charitable samaritans always seem to wander off
like I'm a stray dog starved and ignored
so do not dare ask me how I've been lately
I itch to use my fists to show you
all that remains in my empty void
Is this dull aching for another sip
a violent seduction of my morality
amber elixir offensively dancing in my glass
mouth watering at the smell of that pungent liquor
my friends remain rolled in cigarettes and sipped from bottles
this masochistic cycle fuelled by self damnation
I have no respect for this dependable broken body I occupy
for I am no longer a person but a problem
hostage to the memory of the smiles of my perpetrators
but these clammy deformed hands
hurt my loved ones in a fit of paranoia and fear of betrayal

so hurt be a little harder baby
a sadistic existence is what I deserve

arent I just a cheery chick

#sad #depression #poor #hurt #love #loss #tragedy

Red Sep 2018

the cheat and the fraud

meaningless hands
cover my lands
acres of skin
stained with our sin
tell me some lies
cover my eyes
feel my heart break
I know its fake
don't say her name
I smell your shame
keep your girlfriend
and let me pretend