late nights
and hookah coals
headlight horizons
as cars pass
the interstate
onto endless
destinations
unaware of the
brief intersection
of existences
silver corrolla
flashed and gone
deep thought
on life
and existence
causing problems
i'd rather not
resurrect
stick to the
embers of
the coal
the smoke trailing
into everything
or nothing
and the moon's
half lidded stare
all coming
together
some semblance
of harmony
until distant
sounds from the
road
overwhelm
the peace
and it's back
to thoughts
on tomorrow
and the next
and the next
how I am supposed
to survive or ******
or succeed
even just get
home
it's all crazy
all madness
please please
just leave
me
be
for now

holding
your hand
kicking
our toes into the sand
sun long set
darkness enfolds the beach
a sort of calm has paused
our flow of time

as the moon rises
and the waves crash
their whispered secrets
ceaselessly
into the shore
i realize ive wasted
too much time
looking
for all the wrong things

love isnt a colossal force
calling young men to war
between head and heart
but small, subtle
it lies in the grains of sand
sifting through our feet
it exists in the warmth
caused by our bodies
gently touching
on a cold night
such as this

i faintly hear it
from the waves
feel it
on the breeze
and see it
in your soft brown eyes
looking upwards
at me
at the stars
at everything and nothing

as our gazes collide
your warm smile sends shivers
down my spine
and it begins
to make

sense

on some rainy mornings
as a kid
i used to sneak out
through my bedroom window
into the
pouring rain
and walk three houses down
there was a tire
swing there
and i would sit
and get drenched
just to watch the wet
slippery sunrise
come up over the river
behind our houses
it used to make me smile
to see the
colors reflect
on the water
and in the early hours
of the morning
as i swung and spun
on that tire swing
i would never know
why
i had really walked
out there
until i was much older
and much harder to please
after the neighbors
had moved
and the tire swing
had gone
i realized
with no little amount
of nostalgia
that on some rainy mornings
as a kid
i was happy
if the weather permitted

we really ****** up this time, huh
--a quick chuckle--
figure it's all worth it in the end
take another drink
smile
I wish I could've killed the *******
my **** eye hurts
then again
what would that have done?
all in fun. all in fun

people are dying
souls are starving
without anything to survive on
while I get old
and fat
figure it's not worth it in the end
what ever is?
die young, kid,
save yourself
lord knows its better to be a martyr
for a fool's cause
than a used up old conformist
spitting and ******* himself
atop a retirement fund

wish I could've killed that *******
but then no more options
no turning back
and that's never worth it
oh well

seems we really
****** up this time
people are dying
watching 'em struggle
and strangle
no more soul
no more soul
nothing left in the tank
and wish I could've
killed that *******
but he got the best of me
and there are
kids dying somewhere
and there are
souls starving somewhere
take me instead
wish it would've helped
then again
what would that have done?
left them to mourn another one
all in fun. all in fun.

Dieu ait pitié de mon âme

I met you
Late one night
The bar was closing
Visions blurred
We sat on the curb
And I shared my cigarette
As we drank
And fell headfirst
Deeper down the rabbit
Hole
The street light flickered
And you told me
In your vibrant soprano
That life was paradise

I didn't know what you meant
And I laughed my way to the
Apartment I was occupying
To sleep amongst the masses
Forgot about you

You were sweet
And I never saw you again
Never understood
What you had said
I moved houses
Moved on
Thinking how
My life was hell

Until I wrote this
And remembered
Years have passed
And I'm sure you've
Moved on
Towards some
Greater paradise
But I'm still here
Trying to see what you saw
In between the lines
Of the living and the dead

its safe
thats the best
explanation
safety first
and such
fun too-- perhaps
--this game is one
to be admired
and perfected
a heavy gambler
I have a lot going
on this game
of mine
i must play
keep the guard
up at
all times
play to win
regardless of the
consequences
this life is one of choice
but this game must
be seen through
to it's close
whatever that might be
got a lot going on this one
a lot of practice
and failures
but the guard is good
and the game goes on
as it must
except with you
you come in
with your smile
like silk
and subtle
the game must go on
but the rules seem to change
when you play
you come over
touch like fire
look into my eyes
with something
i can no longer see
or feel
maybe i can
but there's a lot
of weight on
this game
i have to win
for my sake
or sanity
touch like fire
it burns
softly
subtly
i've let my guard down
now all bets are off

i can feel love
again

the women
come to **** me
softly
slowly
how are they
so beautiful?
it wouldn't
be an
unwelcome
death
and they try
try and try
but i've
been dead
for too long
to be killed
again
sharp smiles
and tongues
caressing hands
clench to fists
they are here
for blood
and they know it
for my soul
for my love
and anything else
they can grab
go ahead
take what you need
i've been
numb too
long to feel it
again

its been a long time
since i've seen you
and perhaps thats
for the best
it feels like
forever ago
when we would
lay in bed
laughing
over something
stupid i had said
perhaps you laughed
out of pity
some extreme
sense of kindness
but i doubt it
it was never
really you
to be kind
anyway

the past
is an amazing thing
and memories
linger long after
feelings fade
perhaps that is
a blessing
you were never
one for sentiment
anyway

and i admired you for it
i saw things in you
you never did
and never will
but perhaps that is
for the best
you may die
and i might too
probably first
and to think
i may never
get a chance
to see your face
with some feeling
instead of just memory
is hard to swallow
but perhaps that is
for the best
you were never good
with goodbyes
anyway

one of those days
where the whole world
is inside
sad and self pitying
as the sky falls
and has been falling
for years it seems
but that's nothing new
whats new is this
cut on my arm
and the half smoked
cigarette
smoldering by the mattress
and whatever there was
to drink last night
stained in the carpet
as i look around
i already know
its one of those days
but i don't bother to
look outside
or do anything
besides close my eyes
there's enough
to deal with inside
apparently the sky is falling
but life
goes
on
so they say

You wouldn't believe
the difference
a year makes.
Old faces stare back
with strange smiles,
trying to
fill holes that you
don't remember being there.

Everyone knows you,
you're no stranger,
--though it sure as
hell feels like it--
It's high time for
a new town,
high time for
new faces,
ones that don't
dare stare back
or smile at all.
Ones that can't
see scars.
At least pretend
not to notice.

A new town
with a good view.
Lots of taxi cabs
and tree tops
to watch,
leaning through
and above the traffic.
A nice pretty picture
to paint,
out the window
of a hotel room
as the people pass,
looking like flowers
at last.

Such beautiful flowers
through the glass.

been around the block
for too long
around and around
like a ****
carousel
like a ****
ceiling fan
going so fast
to nowhere
you couldn't
believe
the bars are closing
and the real men
headed home
to their real wives
and their real bed
in their real homes
maybe a kid
or two
if not
maybe a dog
to look after
yeah
yeah that looks nice
paint that picture
so pretty
and the ones left
are the ones
who slump sideways
in alleyways
or bow their heads
in prayer at
the bar
sun coming up
on the east horizon
as the doors lock
as the drink fades
as it all blurs
into a whirlwind
of time and luck
and missed opportunity
a tornado of everything
going so fast
to nowhere
you couldn't believe

he could hardly move
and the young men
like snakes
hissed and laughed
as they passed
he would keep his head down
and still they hissed
walking down
sidewalks ripe of life
youth and ignorance
everyone toward
everything
he could hardly move
and when he wasn't
laughed at
he was ignored
see the arthritis had got him bad
and the war had got him worse
he was cold with the sickness
and the snow
and the laughter of young men
or snakes
delirious and shaking
the race whirled
around him
everyone toward
everything
I saw him on that
sidewalk
for a few weeks
when I first moved to the city
I would go to pick up
groceries and he'd be there
and we would chat
briefly
he was not one for words
but was grateful
to see a snake
that wouldn't hiss
I told him I admired him
of course he laughed
but to me he was
a stone in the river
fighting a current
that didn't know he was there
except to hiss and laugh
I lived in that city
for almost a year
and after the first
two or three weeks
he had moved
off to greener pastures
perhaps
and he was the
smartest of us all
getting out of that city
of everyone toward
everything
but maybe the river caught up with
him and swept him away
--those that fight
normally don't last
very long--
but I'd like to think of him
silent on a beach
somewhere
without the arthritis
without the war
the snakes
the cold
without the everyone
toward the everything
just an old man with
no need to move
anymore

broke my promise
the one I made
sitting there
on that park bench freezing
sharing coffee
conversation
naive and smiling
you looked at me
up from two weeks
of abuse
I could never understand you
how you laughed at my jokes
how you flashed eye contact
as you poured a second sugar
I could never understand you
it was cold
and you had a white scarf
tucked over your jacket
good god I loved
how you looked and
you told me how
proud you were
how we were in this together
and how
your acting was going well
I did my best to listen
I was in cold sweat
and shivering
and you talked on your
audition the next day
some part
some play
I can't remember
--good god why can't
I remember--
all I do is remember anymore
the way you would walk
the way you would talk
how you would just go
on and on
and the world would seem bright
again if
only for seconds
and somewhere
deep inside
under the cold
something frozen
would thaw in me
and I can still see that smile
why did I ever let you
leave that park bench
we could have sat there forever
hands folded and freezing
you in that white scarf
and that white smile
good god I loved
the way you looked

you talked and talked
marvelous things
you were going to be an actress
and I was going to stop drinking
we'd buy an apartment
on the east end of town
maybe
a house with a yard
maybe
a boat on the sea
you could paint that picture
so nice
and we'd sit there and imagine

oh
just to have you
on that park bench
again