the world spins
towards eternity
while you spin on stage
beautiful
pulsing with the lights and
the music
I lay in the crowd
making faces at shadows
hoping someone would notice
eyes like magnets
pulled in your direction
dancing
laughing
the world spins and spins
but seems still
while we make eye contact
I can't look away
I am riveted to your
eyes
magnets pulled to coin
but only for
moments before
you glance away and
lean close into
a luckier man
than me

the world never
stops spinning
no matter how
beautiful the
still life may be

they'll put up a statue for
the dead long buried
in graves gray as any other
under grass as green
as any other
they'll say some nice words
it will be nice
to hear

stop by once a year
to remember
bring a flower or two
wilted as any other
and the memories
fading fast as any other
maybe it'll help
bury the regret
next to them
under the time
under the
justifications and
military commendations
under the drink
six feet of everything
piling up

they'll put up a statue
it'll be nice to see
won't it?
yea I think it will be
real nice commemoration
consolation
real nice
they'll say some nice words
make sure everyone's a hero
it'll be nice to hear
but they're still as
dead
as any other

with wine on white sheets
walk into the room
why is mommy asleep
on the floor
the yelling woke the
whole house but
He is nowhere to be found
the faucet is running
in the bath
but no one is in it
the water level approaches
overflow
but no one is in it
and He is nowhere to be found
don't be scared
don't be scared
chew on a thumb
go sleep with mommy
she knows what to do
in the morning she'll
make breakfast
and laugh
this bad joke
don't be scared
water spills over
on tile floors
don't be scared
don't be scared
with wine on white sheets
walked into the room
why won't mommy
wake up

the lions lay in tall grass
and I was trying to be good
but *******
they get what they want
always
I was trying to be good
but good is never good enough
and close is never close enough
and full is never full enough
they are here and they are now
the lions don't wait
they don't ask permission
strike at will
pulling at my insides
gnawing away
for a quick meal
how can I survive?
with the heart so red
and satisfying to the palate
can't continue to have them breaking
it like bread for their fill
they are like god to disciple
they command and you
can only obey
how can one survive

you see
it only takes one taste
to spark the beast inside
I was trying to be good
but the hunger overflows
and it is eat or be eaten
in this existence
the lions lay in tall grass
but they only move
on my command now
I'm sorry it happened this way
it is **** or be killed
and I am not ready to
fall in love
so I am the new god
and these lions now
whimper when I pass
unless I call for them
and I am so hungry
oh I am so ravenous
I tried to be good
but its tempt or be tempted
and they turn from predator
to prey at the touch
and they are mine
they are mine
and they are delicious

didn't shower
sitting in the cubicle
for long hours
didn't shower
and blood
is still on hands
and feet are still riddled
with dirt
staining cheap
carpet floorprint
afraid to touch
anything
coworkers peer
over
their fabric palisades
eyes burning holes
through ripped shirt
and crooked tie
head down
don't exist
no one has to
know a thing

didn't shower
hair is manged and
disoriented
I can feel blood
drip off fingertips
pat - pat - pat
on bland slate
carpet design
can't concentrate
didn't shower
everyone stares
black eye
swollen and scabbed
everyone knows
have to
it's all puddling at feet
washing with the dirt
look away

******* look away!

head is severed
on the mahogany finish desk
black eye bulged
black and purple tennis ball
everyone gathers
whispers whispers
jaw opens
teeth fall out
pat - pat - pat
no one says anything
look away look away
look away
get up to leave
the head stays there
dark souvenir

quick drive
home
shower
hours melt away
infirmities recede
sink back below skin
didn't shower
everyone knew
what happened
last night
but now
no evidence
no witnesses
no one knows
the perfect crime
a cruel smile
emerges on
bare white teeth
as night sets in once again

she bites the soft skin
in the nape
of his neck
her back arched
in ecstasy

who is it?
I don't know
I don't
know

She stares into
his eyes
pulls her hand
through his hair
down his jawline

who is it?
I don't know
I don't *******
know

it might as well
be everyone
if it isn't me

It is all a little harder
than it looks,
and I'm afraid it will
never work out
—just too different,
you and I--

There is a reason
that the sun and the
moon never touch.
You are just beginning
and I am coming
to a close.

No, you do not want
someone like me.
I am beat up, broken.
Go, find yourself a nice boy
with a plan,
with a trust fund;
someone to rely on.

You don't need
someone like me.
It is much harder
than it looks
and it might very well may
never work out between us.
These open fields are ripe
for the taking,
a pretty little thing like you
could have your pick.

You don't want someone
like me, but that is not easy
to say because all that I want
is you, you, you.
It is not easy at all,
so many trials and
complications,
no, no, no…

It is a little harder than
it looks to love someone.

the doctor places all the pills
close atop the medical bills
she always drinks the juice

death comes every morning
three quick knocks for warning
she ponders on her youth

family comes and then family goes
blurred in the window from winter snows
she understands the truth

death comes every morning
three quick knocks for warning
she didn't touch the juice


       knock.
              knock.
                     knock.
  

I've never seen such a sad
smile in my life

her smile used to
cut through this dull
melancholy with ease
now it flickers and fails
she's not the same
lethargic like a toy
needing to be wound up
she used to be beautiful
carried herself tall and confident
weightless
now her back is broken
over the weight of the world
lethargic like a toy
needing to be wound up
lethargic like a toy
that I can't wind up
what did I do wrong
she used to be beautiful
she used to be happy
now she sees through
an empty glass
now she lives through
a dimming lens
and doesn't seem to
smile anymore

I always wanted a
woman who challenged
me intellectually
sure I loved
the other challenges
physical
emotional
those games I played
and won
but there was no
purpose there
no passion
it was the act
and not the art
so these women
grew stale and unchanging
he faces were different
the names varied slightly
but the game was the same
--as they say in the marine town
near where I grew up,
you catch a shark
the same way
you catch a carp--

so I grew tired of fishing
and soon stopped altogether
my friends thought I was mad
they thought anyone would starve
with such a blow to their diet
but I decided to fast
at least for a short while
before I could make
the perfect catch
one that would
be more than simply
hook line and sinker

I hated that there was
no art anymore
courtship and chivalry
gave way to
a mechanized equation
of cheap *** and conversation
it was the industrial revolution
of the romantic world
put your heart on
the conveyer belt
let your body
take the bruises
all you had to do
was push a button
pull a lever
all these girls were the same
all these fish were the same
whether they were carp or shark
I had to get away
from the factory
from all the convenient ***
and convenient company
acts that were merely
shadows of
that almighty art
I needed a release
something to
break the pattern
I needed a way to get
back to the art
something that would
end the game for good
I needed a way out

I needed you

walked along the beach
barefoot, blinded
by a sun that
refused to rise
and a past
that refused to set

the ethereal glow
of the twilight
burned violet
reflections off
of the ocean
and the sand

raised a hand
to cover the
glare of the
sun exploding
sprawling out
against the horizon

sun rays over the water
laid out toward
me like avenues
of heat and radiation
stretched out
in endless highway

or perhaps fingers
caressing
tendrils of light
that lover
you knew but
never touched

the violet sunrise
stretches over the ocean
lapping your feet
tearing at them
the beggar grasping
at the ankle, pulling

soon knee deep
the violet seeping
through
the shore recedes
as station to train
and the journey continues

waist deep
violets bleed to orange
and ****** red
the sun is up
yet the past still haunts
with failing eyesight
hindsight is still twenty twenty

and the water is cool
there is a
breeze from the sea
chest deep
the avenues open up
divide and collide

all roads
lead toward one destination
the tendrils on that golden hand
beckon me closer
who was that lover?
she once had a name

neck deep
and the sun is up so high
up so high
where are the clouds?
there was supposed
to be rain today

water is up to
the eyes and rising
failing eyesight
and hindsight remains
twenty twenty
unfortunately

but for the first time
it appears that
I can see
where I am going
as well as what
is behind

As I submerge
I feel the past close up
behind me
it bottles up as hot air
as the demon forever
clawing at my neck

exhale and exorcise

the sun sets violet
hewed with crimson
growing colder
the water gets deeper
reflections
through the waves

spears of violet
jab at seaweed
with failing eyesight
there is no past to see
there is no future
there is only the sea

Now that the world is
As small as it has become
The more you travel
The more you realize
Everyone and everything
Is the same
There's a sweet
Universiality
We share
All of us huddled
Under the face
Of that green encircled
Goddess
That harbinger of
A caffeinated fix
Altars to drink from that
Holy ambrosia
Stationed at economically
Strategic locations
Throughout the world

And of course
The holiest of
Universal symbols
The one found
In the succulent
Attraction of a
Woman's curves
Out of reach
Nothing more natural
And intrinsically
Understood

And that's all we've
Come to
In this glorious 21st
Century
From Moscow to
Miami
It's all **** and venti
Mocha latte's these days

Her knuckles are white
Clutched in agony
Against my thigh
The muscles in her arms
Contract and then
Expand
Over over over again
At a varied velocity
An unstable rhythm
Of quick short breaths
And exasperated ecstasy

Oh the savagery
I pull her over and mount
Eyes alight with adrenaline
A leg atop each shoulder
Depraved in the most
Lustrous of acts
Oh the savagery
She bites her lip as
Muttered obscenities
Float raggedly through
An instrumental
Accompaniment
Of muscle on muscle
****. ****. ****.

Shh
Don't ruin it

She is quite the specimen
All thighs and ***
A body meticulously
Toned by a lack
Of self confidence
From the view atop her
I almost feel pity
I almost feel sympathy
A hand grabs at my hair
Oh the savagery
She is gone
So far gone
It's a disgusting
Disease
This pleasure
Nails dig into my back
And she is mine
To abuse
I am her drug
And she is nothing
A helpless addict
She is mine to
Corrupt
Mine to destroy
She's begging
For it

In a pitiful display
Of heroism
And hedonism
I oblige her

Shh
Don't ruin it

The imagination is a terrible thing
When left to its own devices
Cruel and calculating
It flourishes in discontent
And swells to immensity
Awash in the madness of
The dark
I lay here
Two continents away
With rational thought
Deemed ineffective as you
Hold me close in fear's grip

You are the monster
Under the bed
I, the shaking child
Afraid to glance
For fear of fear's assertion
--Mutter prayers
Under closed eyes--
The mind wanders
Against better judgment
And in darkness
This imagination
Swells once again

Stay under the bed
Monster
Stay out of sight
You detestable
Delectable beast
Only with madness
Can you corrupt me
--Though I willingly
participate--
Already mad and
rotten to the core
Such emotion poured
Over shaky bones
And you
Devious beast
Play games with
Passing shadows
Keeping me on
Sanity's frail edge
Too afraid to stray
From comfort's reach
I can only watch
As you grin
With eager
Bloodstained smiles
And slip out of sight
Into endless darkness
Once again

the dress is red
or black or off
and the eyes are
blue or green or brown

the hair is auburn
or blonde
some mix between
and the face is
tired or bored
or apathetic

the liquor is cheap
and strong and
does the job
and the love is
stale or bitter
or gone

the motel reeks
of something rotten
and her name is Jen
or Ashley or
anything
anything else

the ***
is old or used
or quick
but always
no good
and the bed squeaks
and the walls are thin
so the renter next door
feels every pulse

the goodbye
is laughable or sad
or about time
and the girl is
too old or too young
too beat up
but she always,
always comes
again

new dress new
*** new face
new love
but she always, always
comes again

I crushed a fly
against my computer
screen. the smudge
it left was not worth
the effort it took
to
**** it.

so it goes

sick to
your stomach
early morning
outside some
bagel shop
watching the sun
rise over
the houses
and she never called
you were out late again
and it
only gets worse
and worse
these women
they want your soul
want your heart
they stop for
nothing
how do you resist?
every ounce of dignity
filtered away
through the drinks
and the tongue and the
teeth and the temptation
how do you resist?
until next thing you know
you're sick
outside some bagel
shop
hoping no one sees
waiting for her to
call
because those other women
they come for your soul
they come for your heart
but they won't find it
they won't find it
it's a thousand
miles
to the north
and you want to
hear her voice
just one more time
but she still
won't call

I'm sorry for the
way this is playing out.
It seems like
this road
is all too familiar;
only a matter of time
till we crash and burn
with the rest.
I'm a little scared
we break a little more
with each crash,
each failure,
each missed opportunity.
It isn't easy to keep up.
I wish dearly that it was.
I keep thinking that
it's better to jump ship
then to drown again,
but I keep sailing and sinking,
struggling to stay afloat.
But we get so mad
at each other,
so terribly mad,
and I hate it.
--even though you're
cute when you're angry--
But we yell,
and fight, and say
those terrible things,
and for a moment
I hate you.
I hate you, and all those
words you say,
as cruel and cold as you
can be.
They pile up
and I swear that this is it,
god as my witness.
It's the end.
Then your cute
freckled face
whispers I miss you,
soft into the speakers,
and for some reason,
despite everything else,
I still can't help
but smile.

loveless *** is a
horrible thing

--not *** of passion
that's beautiful--
meet her
that night
play that game
and then share
in the reward
no,
that is artwork
there is love
in the art
of shared nonchalance

no, I'm talking
*** from that bad place
in your soul
from that bitterness
she thinks it's something
it's not
she wants you
and you want nothing
to do with it
but you're so
low
you're so beat
that everything
looks golden
it's a sorry thing
when love is
nowhere to be found
you make it
cheap and rough
in the backs
of cars
kitchen counters
quick relief
cause if it ain't that
it would be the noose
you **** just
to ****
just to put your ****
in anything
to feel something
thinking it must be better
than nothing

you're wrong
it's the worst
most cowardly of acts
running away
--and you know it
afterwards--
you're angry
you don't know why
lean out the
car door
or spit in the
kitchen sink
you're an ugly
*******
running
cause you
think you know better
running
cause you think you
can get away
a *******
sorry sucker you are
despicable
taking advantage of
everything you used
to cherish
just so you can try
and feel it again
it doesn't help
but you
can't help it
you're so low
you're so beat
so bruised
you can't help it

everything looks
like paradise

breaks my heart to think
that under this
beautiful skin
that I gently caress
--sending shivers up
your spine--
there are these
******
organs
contracting and expanding
pulsating
just to keep you together

it's a terrible thing
modern anatomy
hard to believe
that your beautiful carcass
is host to such horrible
biological expletives
the way you come together
so immaculately
all those pieces placed in
co-operation
what a magnificent whole
they create
although sometimes these
pieces let you get sick more
than I would like
and your heart beats too slow
rhythmic and calm
even now
as we lay here
it's a smooth harmony that
keeps you next to me

you lay there
unaware
and gorgeous
smiling at me as you
slowly stir
and get up to use
the bathroom

biology is a terrible thing

how is it?
no matter
what happens
good or ill
no matter what
life
sends my way
I always end
up here
always here
how is it?
as the sun explodes
and my dogs die
my woman won't sleep
or talk
anymore
how is it
that as whiskey
drains to glass
and relationships
come and go
like thunderstorms
flashing
how is it?
life deals blow
after blow
and I sit here
turning the
other cheek and
typing
for christ's sake
typing
as if these words
meant something
other than nothing
I should be put to work
or death
these words
bring no food to the table
no clothes for my sister's
bruising back
nothing
only another few kilobytes
reduced from thought to ram
and then gone
quick relief
quick relief
then back to nothing
as life throws another left hook

the radio echoes
noiselessly
off lives lost
too soon
dreams left
for dead
people die everyday
I only blink
move on
perhaps turn
up the volume
staring at
blank pages
they burn and twist
taunting
while the words
won't come out
and the women
won't go out
they scorn
the piano player
while dancing to
the music
it makes
no sense
no music
no women
they dance and dance
each with their own
set of teeth
of claws
only hope
to make it out alive
the door opens
and the door closes
it won't stay shut
the piano player
scorned in the corner
while the women
dance and dance
and laugh
while all dreams
bring paradise just
out of reach
while the dead
still die
still die
and the words won't come out
the music cuts off
and the women still dance
as if there was
no sound
to begin with
no sound
no sense
no music
no women
only blank pages
burning and twisting
and the piano player
scorned in the corner
and the words won't come out
the words won't come out
anymore

the sound of my name
whispered in passion
feel of a new woman
a new world to explore
scent of ***
****** and real
these are truths
I understand
my quantum physics
exists in that woman
lounging on the mattress
confident and cruel
these realities
are tangible
I care not
for einstein
and his descendants
all ******* and spitting
trying to simplify
what is already basic
I care not for
relativities
let space
**** and shimmy
its way
into oblivion
as it
would
unwatched
and let me have my women
angry as forever
as the door opens and closes
come and go
they fight
and they ****
and they flee
and they come again
different names and
faces
but the same truths
I don't need
the higgs *****
or an explanation
of space-time
to figure out
my reality
we gild
our pile of ****
and see it as gold
no thank you
let them rot
in their lab coat
caves
and let me in mine
angry women
and blank pages
all waiting to be filled
a sick
carnal and
unsophisticated
truth

poetry is dead
in the venues we
are accustomed
there is no
beat
sitting on stage
preaching
the madness
no
romantics
in stony silence
as the pages turn
we have no
present day
poets
that still
believe in
the written word
and the effect a
line
break
can
have
on a reader
no no no
no more
no one wants
to settle for behind
the scenes
rockstar lifestyles
don't present themselves
to the typists
beating their keyboards
as they do
their wives
but that's how it goes
these are for me
anyways
not you
this is the purging
of every sinful thought
I create
you don't know the
half of it
probably none
at all
but that's how it goes
these lines
all this poetry
isn't made
for kindles
and smart phones
no more
typewriters
or weekly readings
only me
dark in my room
poisoning
the text box
and shivering
guiltily as i
write
one
more
line

one day
wake up
realize
wounds that
once crippled
dont sting so bad
and cuts
sworn to bleed out
all have scabbed

the sun has
risen
and its a
new day
for the first time
in eternities
sunlight reaches eyes
and strikes
numb
the pain

body's grown cold
heart's grown old
everything that went wrong
finally
no longer matters
but there is a feeling of
uneasiness
of
uncertainty
emptiness
and looking back
wonder
was it worth it?

une personne me font peur de ce que je suis devenu

the soft smell of spring
sweeps through on the breeze
flirting with the senses
invigorating
inviting
holding close memories
forgotten feelings long erased
growing old under the setting sun
lost in the sentiments of the quickly passing afternoon
such a sight to behold
all that is lost might again be renewed
reminiscing
regretting

rising in the wind
sailing towards eternity
and falling towards inevitability
the golden ship of youth sails by
coasting in the waters of opportunity
sinking in the swamps of time
the roots have grown
planted
safe and secure
into middle-class
middle-aged mediocrity
no lofty longing of dreams unreachable
no sweet determination to reach the destination
only the reality of a life
once loved
now lost
pragmatic and practical

that golden ship is nearly out of sight
those wings of wax can no longer fly me to the sun
I cannot see the sun
cannot feel the thrill of flight
only the fear
and the fall
I cannot see the goal
because the trials stand too tall

and now the ship is gone
and the roots are solid
there is no living left to be done
only lessons to be learned from the mistakes of the past
and the hope that they do not become the future

but alas
the sun has now set
and darkness is upon us
so sleep now
and wake to see what tomorrow may bring

under layers of dust
wise men in caves
break bones and bread
slaving at a history
no one ever knew
striving for a salvation
no one ever knows
or perhaps only for peace
left instead cursing
the cold and
the Christ who never came

they look at old San Pedro
outside Gethsemane asleep
dreaming of the God
in the flowers
where he lay
by Christ weeping
dreaming of the God
in a lover's touch
so sweet so gentle
yet gone so far away
they see how he dreams
of the God in the heavens
oh, to hold his hand
oh, to kiss his face
what wonder it must be
while Christ lay weeping
and the pharisees come
forever closer

thirty pieces of silver
bought the Son of God
for a bargain

wise men in caves
perhaps sit silent
now and forever
under layers of dust
no longer cursing
no longer breaking
only sitting
dreaming of God
like Peter in the flowers
like Christ weeping
waiting for a way out
now we all sit silent
staring upwards
searching for answers
in a Christ who never came

I'm stuck
and my poetry
reflects it
life is getting
a little stagnant
and when you aren't
living well
you aren't
writing well
and it burns in my stomach
and aches in my head
because I know
how much there needs
to be said
how much I've got to
let out
before I lose it
and go mad
maybe already lost it
and its already gone
and this is only the
repercussion
only the consequence
I'm not sure
but I need
to figure out
a way to
create again
a way to
live again
before it's too late
and all of those
books
and poems
and *******
good for nothing
pages
go unread
and unwritten
and my name goes
unknown
sprinting headfirst
into the callous, crowded everything
of forever

easy now easy now
take it slow
we've got a long road
no need to be so **** excited
its all coming together
all together
entiendes?
si si
you're a smart kid
eres inteligente, si
you'll catch on
sooner than I did
maybe not soon enough
you know?
what're you doing
hanging around
an old fool
like me huh?
can't teach you nothing
you don't already know
except how to eat a bullet
I don't want that and
neither do you
no, no, don't want to taste
that last supper
get outta here
why do you stick around?
you should have some broad
somewhere
ain't she gonna miss you?
she already does
I can feel it
I can feel it
get outta here
let a old man walk
in peace
before I'm in pieces
can't no king's horses
can't no king's men
put this old man
back together again
tienes hambre?
I'm hungry
how 'bout some breakfast
don't worry kid
I'll pay
don't want to go too far
rough night
you understand?
yeah. you understand
now get outta here
I'm tired and
I got a long long road and
it's all coming together
you understand?
do you?

paraíso me espera en el otro lado del camino
¿entiendes?

back in the driver's seat
for the first time in
a long while
cabin doors shut
all clear for takeoff
fasten your seatbelt
ladies and gents

it feels good to
feel good again

where did this come from
knew you were going to go
crazy eventually
but it seems like
that ship is long sailed
pressure builds from
all sides
family falling apart
thousand miles away
stuck in a place
you can't stand
four more years
it seems
if you can make it
--shut up
it's just youth
it's just growing up--
tell yourself these things
like your father would say
--don't be a *****
man up--
and you did
you never used to be so
**** crazy
but all dams break
eventually
so it seems
just unfortunately taking
it out on
all the wrong people

you spend your whole life
being the tough guy
holding that water back
but crack after crack
now it's an onslaught
of new problems and
old memories you thought
you'd forgotten
unfortunately taking it out on all
the wrong people
arguments and frustration
could really just use a
shoulder to lean on
you're getting older
and what can you show for it
a lot of words you cleverly
break up on the page
to assume some sort of plan
but there's no plan
there's only you
and apparently
you're going crazy
can't do things right
anymore
stuck questioning and
second guessing
who do you turn to?
you're new to this
you're trying to hold tight
but it still
manages to all **** up

it's driving you crazy

how almighty we are!
this enlightened
civilization
this great
human race
I bet
if you put this great
society in a cave
without the
distractions we
call necessities
without the addictions
that **** out our souls
I bet if you put this great
species in a cave
regardless of
every advancement
I bet
we still bang rocks

how almighty we are

that role you play
--sarcastic, apathetic,
confident--
I know it quite well
and you are
a fine
actress
no doubt
but I believe
it is more of an act
than you'd
like to let on
I see the turmoil
that simmers
underneath
don't think that I don't
I've played both
sides of this story
over and over and over
I know how it ends
and no matter how
I want to change it
it is the same
and eventually
I will go on to
play it again
on some other stage
so will you
just wish it wouldn't
come to that
why not cut
the film?
**** the act?

think about it

I know you'd rather not
but it isn't as hard as
you have come to believe
I'm not quite anyone else
you've been around
whether past or present
I think you know that too
if you'd let yourself
realize it
but an actress is
an actress
and you are
who you are
just wish it wouldn't
come to that
I can play my games
and you can play yours
with whoever and whenever
we want
--though you still have trouble with
that first rule I tried to teach you--
but doesn't that seem stale
to you?
hasn't that all been
acted out enough?

think about it

you laid there and read bukowski
with me for chrissake
you have no idea how
mind-blowing that was to me
even if it was still part
of the act
I thought you were insane
and I think I'm burnt out
with this whole acting
business
it's been years
don't feel like keeping
the games going
any longer

think about it

if not
the act continues

it's been a long year
and I don't think
you understand that
I'm going crazy
no matter how calm I seem
or how tough a wall I put up
I'm man enough
to admit I ****** up
but I really am going crazy
I can't even explain
everything that's
been running through
my head

you see
at some point
subconsciously
I decided to take a chance
one I never wanted
or planned on
but I didn't have much choice
the walls were cracking
and now
weeks later
I'm stuck between
my pride and some
short term feelings
I never asked for

you sat there and
cried that night
remember?
I don't know if it was
because of me or
embarrassment
but *******
I really thought
that the walls were
down
finally
at last
but it seems
we both have
a little too much pride
for our own good

doesn't really matter
much anyway
I guess
it's been a long year
one we're both eager to
be done with
just could've sworn I
saw those walls come down
yours and mine both
if only for a moment

probably just me
going crazy
again

I met a guy the other day
told me he used to be a writer
said he was pretty **** god
but he burnt out
couldn't do it
anymore
it was too boring and pretentious
he said
told me he went to
law school and
married a girl
from money instead
bought a nice house in the suburbs
him and his new wife did
said he's been oh so
much happier now

I wanted to tell him
he was full of ****
that if you used
to be a writer
than you are still a writer
or you never were
--unfortunately
our curse is of the sort
that carries no vaccine--
it bursts from you
one way or another
from the day you enter
this earth till the day
you leave it
some take full advantage
some pretend
and some never even realize
but it's there
all the same

I wanted to tell this
sorry sucker
how I really felt about his
law degree
and his talk on
this and that
wanted to crack
him across the jaw
you ain't no writer
never have been
you're a ******* fake
took a lot of
restraint not to hit him
but instead I shook his hand
said congratulations
smiled
and complimented him
on his new mercedes

I dream I'm back
out in the
dusty plains
of el paso
where the air
is crisp and sweet
nothing around
but that burnt
orange landscape
shimmering in
illusion from the
sun
the scalding heat
sending shivers
through
blackening skin
the air dry
as I light a
cigarette
feels like the
whole world might
catch on fire
and then it does
spreading out past the horizon
the whole world burning
burnt orange turns
to fire red and
eventually all is ash
and quiet
as it should be
the sun starts setting
a cool breeze
breaks through the
tawny plains
it's a peace you
couldn't understand
but it never lasts
I wake up
back in the north
I need out
I need out
you've suffocated me
long enough

seems the dam is
breaking down
at last
breaking down
all of the effort
the years of work
that keep it together
tossed aside
but only for tonight

these
walls
are
crumbling
down

but only for tonight

this is all you'll see
a few clumsy lines
--you never know which
one's are about you
well
these are--
and if you read this
like I know you will
here's to hoping you find
something worth
salvaging in this
wreckage
in the mess I continue
to make with
every step I take

these walls are
crashing down
but only for tonight
only for tonight

you wake up
one morning
just like
all the days before
and realize that
this bed is
the one you
will live in
the rest of your days
and realize that
this bed is
the one you
will die in
the day after that

the sun was coming
up over the residential buildings
of west philadelphia
I couldn't remember where I was
or how I had gotten there
the bar almost a mile away
from my current location
I was sitting down
afraid of the tumultuous nothing
that clouded the last 6 hours
and the vague scent
of double whiskey's and coke
still on my breath
I couldn't recall how the
night had ended
the dulled flashes
of memory
were frustratingly brief
but no one was awake yet
and the city looked amazing
in the day's nascent glow

my head was ringing
an amazing ache
that spread rapidly downwards
from my skull
and I sat there
for a little while
contemplating the
emptiness
and what exactly I had
done with myself

one beautiful friday morning
on the steps of
Parker's barber shop
I was brought back to life
confused and alone
it was a terrible miracle
to still be alive
with no money in my wallet
as I began the long walk home

she sat across the bar from me
almost within reach
and throughout the night
we would catch each other's eye
sworn she smiled
once or twice
but then she left
and we had never
said a word
just a quick glance back
as the door shut behind her

good riddance
I'm glad she's gone
got to keep your distance
that moment was
more than enough
whoever she is
will share a small memory
with me forever
and that's just enough
anymore and it leads
to complications
and chaos
got to keep your distance
can't get too close
she knows it
--just like I do--
that's why we never
said a word

everything is
more beautiful
from far away

It seems only a matter of time
days slip into eternity
with no regard
capricious wisps of smoke
frequent this existence
for small seconds
ticks of the clock
as two hands pound
back towards
kingdom come
once again

it's a terrible madness

and I know that we
will go mad once again
with a renewed vigor
spells and sermons
will spill out from our lips
like tongues of flame
like sips of ambrosia
for the afflicted
babbled prophecies
muttered and murmered
in dead ends and
alley ways
discharged to the concrete
and ears that have gone
deaf long ago
I know that
we will go mad
I embrace it
the eyes will roll back
in ecstatic relief
as it
courses through us
down veins like electric
currents toward
some never-ending
hysteria
a beautiful dissonance
we wait for it
lust for it
pray for it

come, madness,
tear us apart
break us down
destroy all that is
so we might find
all that will become

you play the game for so long
it gets hard to stop
call it inertia
or competitive spirit
but you get so engrossed
in perfecting your skill set
your strategy
that it becomes you
all day
every day
you are stuck with your
guard up with
this game face
that won't let up
it's a ruthless
endeavor
and not always a
fun one
but you continue to play
and continue to get better
until you're on top
of the game
and everyone knows it
but it wears on you
and one day
you finally decide
to shut it all down
cut the losses and retire
all those years of hard work
the practiced lines
and polished smiles
the conquests and victories
decide to toss it all away
for an opportunity
at honesty
now it's almost like
you don't know how to act
but it's nice
not having to put
so much effort in
all day
every day
meet a girl
former opponent
see how things
work
without the rules of the
game to abide by
it's refreshing
this honesty
until you find out
from a friend of a friend
early one sunday evening
that the game never stops
whether you know it or not
and if you
stop playing
then you're just
losing
so here comes that game face

retirement wasn't for me
anyways

there was a while
when I was afraid
of myself
I wasn't sure
how I would
act or
react
in certain
situations
afraid to even try

drugs were
that icebreaker
or the buffer
that kept me
cool
kept me calm
we were young
careless
you were right there
with me for
awhile
with me till that last second
speeding through
that ******* red
light

I grew up
real fast
real soon
after that
and every year
I hope you know
I still go and
I look
at your
beautiful tombstone

"6/14/1992 -
5/8/2010"

place a flower
say a prayer
every year
and thank you
for everything
you taught me
that I couldn't
teach myself
how to live
how to learn
how to smile
as if everything
matters
you were a brother
and you were a friend

thank you

you come home
drunk
from some business
event where
that waitress ate up
every word you said
--and best believe she had
a body that could ****--
but no
you made sure to make
it home
some things are more
important than that urge
that thirst that threatens
to take control
no
some things are more important
so you came home
drunk
but alone
and there she is
that beautiful
wonderful woman
the one that you
flipped off mother nature
and denied temptation
for
there she is
god you love her
she is everything you
think you need
but you're drunk so
what do you know
anyways
should've took the advice
your friends gave you
and brought that waitress
home instead
instead your drunk
and you think you're
in love
but what do
you know
anyways

we ate dinner together once
if you could call it that
we hardly ate anything
I was sick to my stomach
and you were bored
tap. tap. tap.
and I'm sure there
were plenty of places
and plenty of people
you would have
rather been doing
but no
you were there with me
eating some **** dinner
that we got for cheap
in the back corner
of some **** diner
terrible lighting
to say the least
but the company was nice
I remember you had these
skinny fingers
always elaborately painted nails
and you would run them through
my hair at night
and talk to me about
how crazy we all are
and were and
always would be
but that was long before
this last supper
now all those nails
did was tap
tap. tap. tap.
on the glossed
red plastic table
as you grew more
bored and more apathetic

I was pulling at air
took all I had not
to lose my cool
--already lost
my appetite--
the complex
emotions of the
fairer ***
continued and continue
to be a source of
frustration
your eyes found mine
tap. tap. tap.
and they seemed unfamiliar
the deep brown I had once
discovered seemed hardened
cold
but we both already knew
what the eyes couldn't hide
and eventually
I paid the bill
and you were gone
gone. gone. gone.
my imagination ripe
with your destination
some lucky *******
I couldn't muster
the energy to
get up
from that booth
the kind old
waitress came over
eventually
smiling cautiously
but without words as she
refilled my water in silence
we both knew
it was going to be
a long night

stopped for a
smoke on a
bench outside
some gas station off I-75
with nowhere to go
I shot the breeze alone
watching the night grow
it was nice
surrounded by woods
somewhere in Tennessee

went inside
to buy another
pack as it got later
wondering which
poison to go with
and saw this big
hundred gallon
tank
toward the back
of the store
it had a single
lobster inside

I stopped
a brief second
of confusion
--why's there a
lobster here
anyways?--
I couldn't help
but smile
a fellow comrade
alone but not lonely
a stalwart of
the night

walked to the counter
went with wine
paid and walked
back out
to my bench
winking at my
new friend on the
way out

I'll be ****** if
he didn't wag a claw
right back

At the end of the day
there's always another
for her to
come home to.
Normally it's
just your luck;
he's some upper class
Ivy leaguer
with a stable income,
a degree or two,
and a large need
to get punched
in the mouth,
but there's always
another,

no matter what.

You only have her
for quick
fleeting moments:
she picked you up
from work,
maybe met you
at the bus stop,
winked as you
climb in for
the quick ride
to her place,
hardly making it
to the bedroom
before tearing each
other apart,

no matter what.

Quick flings of passion;
hand wrapped
on your neck,
hair all around.
She smiles
that *****
devil and god smile,
and you swear
that there's no one
else in this world.
But it's only
quick moments,
then it's that long lonely
cab ride home
as some Mercedes
pulls in
the driveway
behind you,

no matter what.

Back in the old
neighborhood:
rusted fence gates
swinging open,
very macabre.

To be back is
a little unsettling.
There's a wave
of vertigo,
unease.
Where am I?
Where have I been
since I left?

The old oak tree
is right here
where I left it.
Old man Vic,
still here too,
his old chevy
in the driveway.

I heard his wife
passed away,
so sorry to hear that,
too many funerals
nowadays.

It's a shame
Jenna never got clean.
She used to be
so beautiful.
--you know we
******?--
She was my first.
Yeah, yeah, I swear.

Crazy right?

On the couch
at her dad's place,
he came home too,
after it was done.
I was in the bathroom,
**** near had
a heart attack,
and he was
out for blood,
breaking down that door
while I ran down that street,
that one right there,
half a mile all
the way home.

Theres the backyard
you and I first
smoked,
wide eyed and trying
to cover up our laughter
and the coughing
so the neighbors wouldn't hear,
still so wet
behind the ears.

And look,
the house
where the cops came
New Years Eve and
busted in with
those flashlights.
You jumped over
that back wall right into
the neighbors pool,
remember?
We laughed for days.

******* shame
about Jenna though,
she was so **** beautiful.
This is the first time
I've been back
since the funeral.

I wonder if her dad
recognized me.

That punk
who drank and smoked
with his daughter,
the same drink
that killed her.
Maybe he should've
killed me too,
that day in the bathroom,
lord knows he tried,
lord knows he tried,
but we were just 15,
how were we supposed
to know?

And ******* was
she beautiful.

the woman next to me
never said much
only
excuse me
or god bless you
when I sneezed
--twice in quick
succession--
30,000 feet up
sifting through clouds
with a casual ease

I was sitting window
on a small little jet
from the beach back to the city
no more than fifty people
but this woman
--let me tell you--
she was one in a million
slightly older
and wow did she
look amazing
while I was up
for the first time
from the abuse
I was flying away from

30,000 feet isolated
above the earth
with no one to talk to
just sifting slowly
through the clouds
I don't know if
it was the hangover
perhaps the altitude or
some other intangible
reason
but I'll be ****** if
I didn't fall in love
just for a little while
all the way
up there

what a magnificent dance we dance
around around around
always close but never touching
you in that dark red dress
--the one you
know that I love--
auburn hair flowing elegantly as
you turn and spin around me
and I
graceless
try my best to avoid
feet and eye contact
struggling only to keep up
blurs of red
sting at my vision
the corners of my eye
never stopping
never slowing down
spinning and twirling
around around around
enough to make a man dizzy
and you know it

who knows when
the song will end
or what will come on
in its absence
all I see
is these tinges of dark red
in my vision
an elegance I'm
not sure I've witnessed
in a long time
the dance continues
around around around
so agonizingly close
until you spin away from me
once again