The black of night,
Brings in closure.
Some sort of light.
Something no one else sees.

Voices in my head,
Gives me some quiet company.
Listened to every word they’ve said.
Something no one else has heard.

Warm skin beneath my fingers,
Saves me from myself.
Your body on edge lingers.
Something no one else has felt.

I’m no longer alone,
You’re still here.
Nose filled with scents of your cologne.
Something no one has smelled.

Your sweet breath,
Lands upon my lips.
Brings me closer to death,
Something no one else will taste.

After being gone and away for so long,
You return to where you’ve been and try to forget anything was ever wrong.
But everyone starts asking you a million questions.
Like where you went and trying to get some kind of confession.
And while you’re trying to keep calm
And not be overwhelmed,
You move the hair from your eyes,
And make up some story to get them to buy the lies.
But when you reach your hand up to your head,
One of your many bracelets moves and shows the red.
The scars appear in their vision,
You look at those people, and while making a decision,
You beg with all your eyes can say,
To not say a word, and to just let the memory slip away.
But they just stare at you,
Because to them, you’re not the same person, you’re someone new.
And you slowly break away, creating some distance.
The memories flood back and you wish you would’ve ruined your existence.
And you slowly fall apart.
Feeling the crack and the breaking within your heart,
You slowly take off each bracelet, one by one.
To allow their eyes to see that you left a scar instead of using the gun.
And enable them to know,
Your smile wasn’t real, it was just a show.
And your laugh wasn’t genuine,
And you had fallen victim to self harm upon your skin.
But most importantly,
They knew that the person they’d been thinking had it all,
Wasn’t ever perfect at all.

People tell me,
To let it go.
To stop holding a grudge.
To leave it in the past.
To forget about it.
To move on.
I tell them,
Never.

Sometimes,

I get the urge to call you 'babe' again.

When it’s all said and done…
These walls will still be standing,
The ones you didn’t break down,
The ones you gave up on.

When it’s all said and done…
My heart will still be in pieces,
The ones that you shattered,
The pieces you left apart.

When it’s all said and done…
I’ll be the same stubborn me,
You’ll be the one that changed,
And the one I’ll refuse to forgive.

When it’s all said and done…
You’ll be the one with regrets,
The one who begs for me back.
The one who says you’ve changed.

When it’s all said and done…
I’ll be the one ignoring the phone,
The one ignoring the doorbell.
The one who moved on.

You used to pick me up,
And drive me around town.
I had my feet on the seat,
The window down.

My hair was blowing in the wind,
But I didn’t care.
I was riding there with you,
When I could’ve been anywhere else.

Time change.

Now I’m driving my own car,
One hand on the wheel,
The other wiping tears away,
Not knowing what to feel.

I see your car,
Everywhere I go.
But never your face,
Someone’s I don’t know.

But my heart still jumps,
Thinking it might be you.
Butterflies form in my stomach,
Wishing it was still us two.

Time change.

There’s some other girl,
Riding in my seat,
All around town,
Up and down every street.

today is my last day of being a teenager and tomorrow is my 20th birthday.
If you would've asked me a few years ago, I wasn't sure I would ever see the age of 20 and if you would've asked me a few weeks ago, I almost didn't.

but here I am.

Can’t stand up on your feet?
Just sit down.
Take a seat.
I’ll show you who runs the show.
Relive it all.
Like some movie stuck on repeat.
Remember all those times?
You pulled me in close?
Wrapped me in your sheet?
I remember that,
Like it was just yesterday.
Although it’s almost been two months,
This movie is stuck on replay.
The only way I can make it end.
Put all the ******* aside.
And only be your friend.

Two a.m.
A knock at my door.
Answering it,
As I’d done,
Too many times before.

The cab waiting out on the road.
Your eyes low,
The railing supports your body,
You slur my name,
And I already know.

We’ll just be strangers,
In the morning.
Go through it all,
over again.

But still I let you in,
Put some sheets, a blanket, and pillow,
On the couch,
Thinking that’s where you’ll sleep,
But I know you won’t.

I’ll lay awake,
And wait for you to show,
Wrap your arms around me,
Smell the alcohol on your breath,
And I already know.

We’ll just be strangers,
In the morning.
Go through it all,
Over again.

You’ll leave like you hadn’t even came,
I already know,
Because it’s always the same.

I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone,
Just your whiskey scent,
Will be lingering on.

We’ll just be strangers,
In the morning.

You keep me up at night,
Replaying those images.
You distract me from my work,
Playing pictures on different pages.

You give me laughter,
But you also provide me with that pain,
For one, I love,
And the other I wish I could refrain.

You replay the old times,
I like to pause the best,
But the hurt comes around,
Lingering on my chest.

You take me to a tunnel,
Where I can’t seem to find the light,
Feeling hopeless within the darkness.
Lost without my sight.

You bring the good times back around,
Some sort of effort to rescue me,
Bringing back my vision,
And allowing my eyes to see.

You haunt me at your worst,
Make me go insane.
No matter what I do,
I can’t rid myself of this pain.

You’re what keeps me up at night,
You’re the reason I can’t sleep.
You’re what haunts me,
And the reason I’m in this hole that seems too deep.

I really do wish that I could say,
My past has made me better,
Instead of bitter.
But I’d be lying.

And I wish that I could say,
I don’t get jealous, I don’t care,
And that I don’t think about you.
But those would all be lies too.

Yeah,

I’ll probably miss you.

But,



I’m glad you’re *gone.

I move one step closer,
But you push me two steps back.
Just show me you love me,
Stop putting me under this attack.

I’m yours forever.
Don’t think I’m going anywhere.
But if you keep pushing me away,
I might just finally disappear.

My heart can’t take it much longer.
These eyes can’t cry anymore.
This body is so tired of hurting.
Fix my broken heart that’s torn.

Don’t you know that actions speak louder?
But your words still sting like bees.
I’ve thought about praying for you,
Dropping to my knees.

But you don’t deserve that.
You don’t deserve a thing.
I no longer worship you.
You’re no king.

The patio sits, above below passing cars,
While two empty chairs, make wishes on far away stars.
Same wishes on different nights,
Same empty responses,
Like knocks on doors of houses without any lights.

No answer, because no one is home.
Because maybe he’s just too afraid of not being alone.
That’s all he’s ever known,
To be surrounded by a million people, but to still be alone.

Not knowing how to act, when someone actually cares,
Not knowing what to do,
When someone comes around and loves you for you.

Being wrong isn’t so bad.







Being right is the problem.

Ink spilled upon the page.

Lines filled with words unsaid.

Walking through a ghost town.
Mind in a trance.
Moving slowly about,
Never in the same stance.

Only one tall street lamp,
That just burnt out.
Leaving me in the dark.
Going out of my way, no direct route.

Dark, cold, misty night.
Substances making things unclear.
On this lonely walk,
Nothing is ever pure.

Mind begins to blur,
Putting together things unseen.
Everything out of order.
This system is no longer clean.

Everything begins to soar,
Taking me on this high.
Fighting a domestic war,
I can’t even tie.

But after I surrender,
Coming down from way up there.
Everything goes back to normal.
The world where I still don’t care.

Eyes
         Just
                 Don’t
                           Know.

Like
      Thought
                   Didn’t
                             Make
                                      Night
                                                Stay.
Think,
                Say.


You’re love.

What is love?
Is it when he constantly enters your thoughts?
Or maybe, when you unwillingly memorize his number?
Is it knowing his favorite song?
Or how about, knowing his favorite color?
Is it when you know what time he goes to bed?
Maybe it’s knowing who his parents are?
Is it when you share your first kiss with him?
Or when you’re first fight brings tears?
Maybe no one will ever know.

The first time I ever took a thin, silver blade to my wrist,

Was one time too many.

And only the beginning.

Your slow replies make me insecure,
Because I know that there’s always someone better.
Somewhere far or near.

Someone.

Who can rip you right from my fingertips.
Leave me grasping for thin air.
Grasping for someone who’s no longer there.

Your name shows up on my screen.

Two options:

To answer or deny.

The other direction calls for my attention.

when will I ever add or multiply ‘x’ and ‘y?’

Sitting alone,
In the house you left me in.
I’ve had a couple too many.
The images around me start to blend.

Make my way,
To those old window panes.
Bringing the memories back,
How you used to hold me when it rained.

And I could swear,
I could hear your voice in my ear.
Feel you wrap me in your arms.
Foolish of me to think,
You’d actually end up here.

Crazy to think,
I’d even be on your mind.
To think you reminisce on those old times.
To believe I’ll ever have another chance,
A chance to call you mine.

I’m on my sixth or seventh shot,
Maybe my eighth, I’m not even sure.
All the images that had started to blend,
Have now become a tangled blur.

I stumble my way up the stairs,
Can’t keep my balance at the top.
A slight sound in my head,
Brings my body to a sudden stop.

And I could swear,
I could hear your voice in my ear.
Feel you wrap me in your arms.
Foolish of me to think,
You’d actually end up here.

Crazy to think,
I’d even be on your mind,
To think you reminisce on those old times.
To believe I’ll ever have another chance,
A chance to call you mine.

But you’re not here,
You’re not here at all.
No messages, no signs,
Not even one single phone call.

And I don’t know why,
I don’t know why you had to leave.
Left just to close my eyes,
And picture you here with me.

And I could swear,
I could hear your voice in my ear.
Feel you wrap me in your arms.
Foolish of me to think,
You’d actually end up here.

You,
You don’t know.
You have no idea,
What it feels like,
To miss you.

You,
You walk around,
You live on,
Like it’s nothing,
To miss you.

You,
You are more than okay,
You live through each day,
Without knowing,
That *I miss you.

He says,  “Let’s drive somewhere where no one else knows.”

Always said you’d be around.
Said you’d always be here.
Looking up and down,
I see you nowhere near.

Disappeared from my fake reality,
Now living in your mortality.
Thought you loved me though…

Saying the words doesn’t make it so.

“You’re only 17.”
Is what he said,
Like he wasn’t the same age.

He wanted me to finish my story,
With him as just another page.

Another page,
Full of memories,
That cannot be erased,
Another page,
That causes tears to fall,
Running down my face.

“People change,”
Is how he put it,
He’d found out who he thinks he is.

"You’ll find another guy,
You’re only 17.” so he says.

Haven’t talked to you in a while.

Deleted you from my life.

I’ve done everything I can possibly do.

Except,

Get over you.

You think I need you
You think I’ve changed
You think I’ll forgive you
You think mistakenly.

You thought you loved me
You thought you knew me
You thought you’d be forgiven
You thought wrong.

You know I’ll come back
You know I can’t go on
You know you’re missed
You know nothing.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound?

If you cry in the shower and no one hears your sobs, do you still get swollen eyes?

These walls won’t ever grow weak,

and,

f
  a
     l
       l

               down again.