Sometimes I wonder

if I even survived
my childhood.

Maybe some part of me
is sleeping
up on the hill.

One of those
Nightmares
That I couldn't escape
Carried me off
In its jaws

and so maybe
I am planted.
Looking down
At all the people
I can't remember.

I hope that I am ashes.
I never wanted a stone.

.............

I guess you just never know
when it is going to happen
one day here, bright blue skies
cool breezes and then ****, gone

What were the thoughts, those thoughts
things you were planning on saying
when the time was right
It was never right, or was it

In a flash, self promises become regrets
wishes end and dreams disappear
if those things still exist
when you don’t

And what is the next step
crying for all of those things
or nothing becomes your world
and the darkness is darker

Free-falling, wondering
if what is left behind cares
probably not, you aren’t and never were
and never will be again

It comes, when you least expect it
You go, when you least expect it
So, expect it……………..

.

What the hell is wrong with me,
where does this circus come from
Three rings that seem to open new tents in my mind
Dark tents filled with wild and dangerous thoughts,
pacing in a cage, waiting to be released
Yeah, you just try and make me
jump through one of those fiery hoops,
see where your head ends up and where
that whip is shoved

Sawdust everywhere as I parade around
Fluffing my feathers, thinking I know,
Proud ain’t even close to how I feel
as I swing from the trapeze,
sequins glistening,
looking for the meaning, the why
I keep asking why…why as I once again
light the fuse with cotton candy fingers,
shot from a cannon, screaming,
there is no net, not for me, not for these thoughts

Open this door and let me out,
I’m stuffed in this little car
with a bunch of clowns, painted on smiles
big floppy shoes and ****, they are all me
(Send in the clowns, I hate that song)
and I hate these thoughts
Juggled about, like so many *****
flying through the air, never touching the ground
and there they are, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
children of all ages, staring, laughing, pointing,
shoveling popcorn in their faces
then running in fear as these thoughts
escape confinement once again

Don’t you get it, can’t you see,
this is real, this is me
I love, I love deeply, I can’t guess your weight
but I can feel you rummaging for tickets
in my heart and all I have is for you
Free admission, stop by the petting zoo,
Share a branch with a giraffe, share
Share, wow, maybe that’s it,
maybe that’s why I smile
when the tents come down
heading for another place

another town

another time

send out the clowns

.

I’m usually sad when it rains

and as I walk today

all alone

feeling it hit
my shoulders

like so many tear drops

I understand why

You fed me dreams
I was voracious
Filling a void
Spacious

Time now to focus
Power up with
Steak and eggs
Cut me loose
Don't make me beg

I took the gmat
Wrote a.killer essay
Just got accepted
To the UW MBA

Maybe come up for air
In the fall of 2019
To mourn the loss
Of what could have been

This task in front of me
It all becomes clear
You can't be around
At.least for the next 2 years

This burning golden sun
Will move its haze to the south
Your cherry covered dress
Pressed among the years hidden in the wardrobe
Flesh warmed in its nakedness
Becomes a covered mystery
Lift your feet from the ground
For the footprints in the snow
Will cool your bare feet

.

The sun still sleeps

as a dark horizon waits

for the
light of its morning

to illumine its world in beauty,

when I see your eyes open
and realize

mine has arrived first