He lay, curtains closed the sound of traffic growing louder the day begining. Began for what? The night left him so tired confused and as always alone. The sounds therapeutic in a way, yet none the less irritating. Maginalised, such a good word he thought, playing the days back on the third eye screen. Always black and white. Each time replayed in more detail but less clarity of why. Eyes open the curtains have two shades, the sun begining to light the room. Tupence less the wiser and no longer a penny left.... for thoughts of anything.

You pushed me up against a wall when we kissed.
I can't get out.
You pulled the blanket over our heads.
I'm struggling for breath.
You traced your hands over my skin.
You left fingerprints on my ribs.
You turned the lights off.
*You've seen parts of me that daylight keeps hidden.

They swear on your existence,
they place you above their nation,
they use you to decide right and wrong,
they thank you before meals,
they whisper your name into clenched fists,
praying that you will bless them,
praying that your divine grace will save them,
they respect you,
they fear you,
they love you.
They convince themselves you love them, too.
But if you love them you have a cruel way of showing it,
if you love them you need to start acting like it,
because if you are their almighty father,
you need to start treating them like your children.
A father wants the best for his children,
a father sees the innocence in his children's eyes
and wishes it would stay there,
a father carries his children in his arms when they are tired,
he tucks them into bed at night,
he kisses their forehead and tells them
he loves them.
A father does not test his children with cruel punishments,
disease is not a proper gauge of devotion,
disasters may bring those involved closer
but only because they are mourning the loved ones you stole.
When a child tells their father they hate him,
he waits,
because he knows they are young
and they are learning
and they love him.
A father does not **** his child
to an eternity of suffering
for not worshipping the ground he walks on,
a father does not need recognition for the good he has done,
a father does not need recognition,
God, if you are so great,
why do you need recognition?
If you are so high above them,
why do you need their reassurance of your power?
Why do you make them beg for your help?
God, why are you so insecure?
God, do you punish them just to hear them cry your name?
God, why do you hurt your children?
They love you,
can't you ******* see that?

Dear God,
you are a deadbeat father.