as I lay here awake back at home,
my mind is stuck on one thing-
love burns. as you lay there where I have laid next to you countless times, you feel no shame for my burns.
love is the most powerful thing
in this world, yet people like you
think it's perfectly acceptable to abuse.
sure, ok maybe "love" didn't exist in our story, however you had me tricked
it was headed there- then que the lies,
confusion, and freak outs. "i really, really, really like you babe" i repeated this enough for you to understand. And the sickening part is you said it back like you meant it, but now I am certain everything was a lie. you repeated me as if you were a parakeet whose only choice was to imitate my words. i wish whatever we had going for us didn't have to end like this. stop ignoring my pleas and repeat after me: "I miss you and I mean it."

Missing the simplicity that summer gives us all, the warmth of the sun, and the way it makes us feel like we have more time,
The way we hold our heads up like sunflowers toward the skies and kiss the winds that blow away in the afternoon breeze.

But still understanding that change is needed for any growth, whether it be out in nature, or within ourselves,
The way the leaves need to transform into their crimson beauty and the crisp air gives them their wings to fly.

The way the things in our lives seem to come to a sudden end until we fall into the spring.
But we become more thankful for the flowers when we haven't seen them blossom for months,
We forget the ones that grew so tall last year.

These ones are much more beautiful.

Drunk on love,
&& some cheap boxed wine.
I do this all the time;
Why do I do this all the time?

There are 37.2 trillion cells
in the human body
Yet somehow,
you're coursing through
every last one of them.

I push people away constantly,
For fear of ever
Falling in love with them.

The heart always wants
What it cannot have,
A far away lover
From a far away land.

All I'm left with are these words,
Which shall forever
remain unspoken.

I'll just carry on in denial,
Pretending I'm not
Heartbroken.

If my outer layers are perfectly
placed together,
Can anyone tell that
my insides are shattered?

Bruised && battered;
Does it really matter?
Does any of it matter,

To you?

I go out to dinner with a near stranger
we sit on the same side of the booth and
I think about how you're the only one who
knows how much I hate that

I drink a drink with ***** and lime and
***** and it almost makes me feel like
I know who I am when I'm with someone else

I don't think of you often but last night I did
I remembered how your arms are the
only place where I am not self-conscious

I lie next to him on my balcony and
there are a lot of stars above us but
I'm the only one who notices

he is thinking about what I look like naked and
I'm counting how many hours of sleep
I will get if he leaves before 2

there is not an absence of feeling,
just a different kind than I'm used to
he touches my hand and I smile in
a way that doesn't feel forced

I spend a day with a near stranger and realize
there is so much he does not know about me,
so much he doesn't care to

like how I got my nose pierced at 14 or
the amount of time I spend in the mirror each morning
picking myself into something I can carry only semi-confidently

he only learns I can't ride a bike when he asks if I want to
he has no idea that my blonde is shielding a deep brown or
when I got the freckle above my lip or
the inch long scar underneath my chin

he doesn't care and that's okay
when he leaves we say I miss you but
in a different way than I'm used to

it is not a pain swelling to be morphined
nor is it a pulling from the gut but instead
it is the ever temporary desire to fill the excess lonely

we say I miss you and still mean it but
it is not the missing that a body feels for
a phantom limb

I am with him now and probably will be again but
moving on doesn't mean I don't miss you
it only means I'm trying not to

just because I'm all right doesn't mean
I don't wonder how you are
I can still be happy with the existence of a quiet ache

but yes I do
miss you,
I will until the day I can sleep without having to count sheep
I will miss you even if there are no stars in the sky to remind me

I don't think of you but last night I did
the moon was too bright and
I was the only one
who noticed