now i wonder if you ever loved me
or if it was just a façade to get laid
i can’t imagine a world
of a man who wanted me to be his wife
speaking to me with words of ice
laughing and about how i never cared
and how i made you out to be the problem
when all i wanted was to fix you
but you couldn’t give me the time of day
let alone your heart
i let my love for you consume me
and now i feel like a worm
in the core of a rotten apple
surrounded by decay
because you didn’t care
and you never will
and i will constantly be reminded
that i cared too much
you keep reminding me of why i left
switching between hot and cold
one day you love me and you’re sorry
and the next i’m nothing to you
you can talk all the **** in the world
but one thing you can’t take away from me
is that i won’t rewrite the story
or rearrange the faults
to satisfy my mood of the day
i’d rather boil my blood
than be as stone cold as you are

i ran into your best friend
at the gas station
eyes interlocked from across the room
not a word or a head nod exchanged
but there was once a time..
where he sat at my kitchen table
laughing until the wee hours of the night
but now i’m just left with the thought of you

it was damaged for so long
barely hanging on
you’d shrug your shoulders and keep trucking
“i can’t afford to fix it”
“i  don’t feel like it”
“it’ll be fine”
day by day
it rattled on
incomplete and begging
for an ounce of attention
audible but forgettable
but you,
you only have interest in fixing what’s broken beyond repair
this poem isn’t about a heat shield

a vortex of stairs
spiraling down
to feed the mind
laugh until we think we’ll die
weightless embrace
beside the wood sky
pretzel sticks after the night
nothing could feel more home than you

“i love you”
you whisper
as you hold me close
and fill the distance
between our bodies and soul

ring ring
i answer the phone
it’s you,
pawning off all of my posessions
back into my arms
as if they were covered in poison ivy
unbearable to touch

he loves me,
he loves me not

ridding himself of every display
that i ever traced hearts onto his bare freckled back
and filled nooks and crannies with my passions

deleting my existence
one square foot at a time

i keep the night light on
the switch frozen in time
breaking up my darkness
invading my hours of blackout
where i’d look up at the ceiling
and happily see nothing

i keep the night light on
waiting for the day you’ll come home
the hallway will be illuminated
to protect your pace
from stubbed limbs as you walk back

i keep the night light on
light splatters through the doorway
i display a slight smile
at memory of you entering the room

i keep the night light on
no longer craving to be engulfed in dusk
but to be smothered in your arms
as that was all i needed to sleep, anyway

i catch my breath
escaping out of my lungs
as if it were being chased
by friday night hooligans

i walk down the aisles
in search of what i’m looking for
surrounded by stickers
and meaningless numbers

this isn’t where i belong
without you by my side
and your confident strides
eyeballing every tool in sight

a heavy pressure builds in my chest
like a cat suffocating my rib cage
i can do this on my own
but that’s not the point
i wanted you to love me so hard
you’d beg to do it for me
just to see me smile

i place my items down
and shuffle out
empty-handed
i can’t bare to make small talk at the register