God is not a visual 
But a visionary
Par excellence

You know what I want?
I want a guy friend.
I have had two guy friends EVER
and I ended up technically dating both
...yeah, that ended badly.
Anyway,
they never really were
particularly close to me though,
when we were friends
we rarely talked
I couldn’t ask them guy stuff
I couldn’t text them random stuff
I couldn’t ask them for advice or vent to them
I wasn’t really close with them
What I want is for a guy
Around my age
So, high school age
To be my friend
Not my boyfriend
Not in a flirtationship
Just a friend
A guy in high school (so around my age)
Who I can send “hellooooo” to seven times
without them freaking out
like girls can do with their friends who are girls
A guy I can just talk to about life
Without drama
Without random *******
that always happens between girls
just a guy who can know me
inside out
who can be my “male influence”
who can tease me
who I can tease back
who I can rant to about my love life
and he can give a boy’s opinion and view on it
a guy who I can listen to
about his life
help him with his girl love life problems
a guy who is willing to trust me
a guy who will talk to me
a guy I can be REAL friends with
I just want a guy friend.
But I don’t know where to find one… :(

I really have never ever met anyone braver than you.

So help me God, if any guy ever hurts you I will make sure he wakes up wondering where his internal organs went.

I plan on going way over the top to keep you from slipping through the cracks. I know that won't fix it, but it can't hurt. I'll be here to support you no matter what. If you are broken and distant and unreachable, I'll be there to listen. If you just need someone else to talk so you can keep your mind off of your emotions that refuse to stay in your control, I will blabber on and on (I'm good at that), if you are okay but certainly not happy I will send you multiple jokes that are super unfunny to any normal person but given our sense of humor, might be kinda hilarious. If you are drowning in memories I will buy you insane amounts of chocolate and try my very hardest to draw your attention away from the past. Instead we can point out every problem with Disney princesses and speak in very offensive "Russian" (and I use that term very loosely) accents just for the hell of it.
Expect me to go over the top with this. I will be there to support you, and it will involved ALOT of chocolate!

Does anyone else ruin other people's knock knock jokes 'cause it's funny as hell? :P

example: knock knock

it's open

no!!!! knock knock!

Go away I'm sleeping!

stop it! just do it properly! knock knock!!

sigghhh who's there

Lettuce!

Oh! Hi Lettuce! Come on in, I haven't seen you in forever? How's life been? Stuff at the office going well?

NOOO!!! stop wrecking it!!!



Does anyone else get WAY more excited about the bubble wrap in their gift than the actual present regardless how old you get?

Does anyone else try to register under a username that is actually significant or symbolic somehow but every single one is taken and eventually you end up going: *pfftt ***** creativity. I'm just gonna smack my forehead into the keyboard and hope for the best. 78yl4hkjgosreiuh. there. good enough.

I deal with problems
In a funny way
and maybe it's because I'm selfish but
My own problems
devour me
If someone I care about
"Burdens" me (as they would say)
with their problems
It sort of drowns out my problems
Which is a good thing
Because no matter how loud I scream
No matter if I have shrieked in terror, loathing, and misery
Until my throat is raw
At my problems
I. Can. Still. HEAR. THEM.
But to hear of someone else’s life
That is far worse than I could ever imagine
It drowns out those voices in my head
…but last time
I didn’t handle it well.
That was my fault
I should have been trustworthy enough
Not to make it worse
I should have been a good friend
But I WASN’T! I KEPT HER COMPANY IN HER PRISON CELL, THE ONE SHE CALLS HER MIND
AND THAT WAS MY FAULT I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THAT
I should have anchored myself to the shore
And kept her alive, and above the surface
In the light
But I didn’t
I just drowned with her
Down in the darkest depths
I just dragged her down farther
And I will admit
At the moment
I am not on shore
But I am not in an ocean, like her
I am treading water
In the nearest lake
And after last time, I don’t blame her for a second for not telling me
I don’t deserve to be trusted
But last time we were both in the ocean
I think I just have trouble handling it when we are both in the same type of trouble
This time
I am just struggling to stay afloat in a lake
Lakes are nice
Less of a big deal
I’m fine
Really
I will have good days and bad days in this lake
But really, I’m fine
Now that she has trusted me enough
To tell me her problems
If she is in an ocean
And I am in a lake
There is a stretch of land between us
If knowledge of secrets are chains
Running from her, to shore, to me
Then maybe I can help to keep her afloat this time
I will keep her afloat this time
I promise I will
I hope that she can trust me enough
From now on
To tell me her problems
Because this time is different
There is always potential
For it to get dark again
But that is only
If I learned absolutely nothing from last time
And I promise I certainly learned a lot
I can handle it
It hurts me far, far more
To not know what is bringing her down
It breaks my heart to think
She is afraid to dump all her problems on me
Because I want her to dump all her problems on me
It drowns out my own
And it makes me aware
And I just want to help her
I really just want to help her
Not like last time
I want another chance
To be trusted with everything
The way it used to be
To be trusted with all of the burdens
Because this time
I won’t ***** it up
I won’t let the burden crush me too
It’s like if someone hands you 30 pounds
You might fall if you weren’t expecting it
But this time
I know to expect it and how to not let it crush me
Please
I just want to be trusted
To have learned enough not to let it just get dark again between us
I want to be trusted with all the burdens
Because I can take it
It won’t  trigger me
I understand if you keep things from me
And I will never be angry with you for it
But it hurts me so much more
Not to know
Please trust me again.
Please.

we are all trying to survive
to escape the hunter

except the predator is our mind
and the prey is our physical being

The pure taste so very sweet
On my bitter tongue