Six
I showed up in an orange polo
blue jeans, a blonde bowl cut
and the latest light up barbie shoes
my mother dropped me at my classroom door
she left with tears in swelling her eyes
because I was the only child who wasn't clinging to her like the last strand of hope I had
she was so proud
I was on top of the world
until you tore me down
threw your wooden cities in my face
and told me I belonged with the boys

Eight
I showed up in a pink dress
white flats, and shirley temple curls
my mother sent me to school that day
she left with a twinkle in her eye
because I was the only kid in our minivan who wasn't faking fevers
she was proud
I made myself known
until I sat criss cross in that cotton candy dress
and you told me that girls dont sit like I do
and that I belong with the boys

Twelve
I showed up in pink jeans
a graphic giraffe T, straight shoulder length locks
and black chuck taylors
My mother dropped me off that day
her eyes watched me until I was safely inside
because she knew I was nervous
I took junior high by storm
she was proud
you took note of my sports bra
laughed at my cardboard chest
and told me I belonged with the boys

Thirteen
I showed up in basketball shorts
a simple T, shoulder length hair
and tennis shoes
I walked to school that day
My mother was still sleeping
I hid from everyone
you asked me if I liked girls
and thats when I knew I belonged with the boys
I needed these ******* boys

Thirteen
I showed up in black sweats
a hoodie that avoided my curves like roadkill
a half assed ponytail
and running shoes
I was invisible
I replaced the gauze on my thighs that concealed the proof he was here
I wore and extra shirt to hide the proof he was here
I learned to use makeup in all the wrong places in hopes to prove he was never here
His fists played symphonies across my ribcage
He made songs of my pleads for forgiveness and apologies
addressed to both him and god
and I am still trying to forget the notes
I am still trying to forget he explored my depths
I am still trying to pretend that he was never here
He said I could only belong to the boys if they could touch me

Fourteen
I thought the cough syrup would save me

Fifteen
He took the only shred of dignity I had left
I listened as my only hope for a family was ripped limb from limb
The child who's crescendo heartbeat originated from me
was slaughtered at the price of a Versace ring and a fake I.D.
Fifteen
I thought I could hear him screaming


Twenty
I am defined by twenty different men
These scars are proof of me nitpicking the pieces of them from my skin
Proof that I am worth nothing more than a one night stand

Twenty taught me:
1. No one will ever understand how empty you become when you're constantly filled by different men
2. A new canvas will not make you feel any cleaner
3. Hands feel like hands in the dark no matter who is behind them
4. After about the 3rd one night stand you will realize that 2 is the loneliest number
5. My mother is no longer proud to see me

bring a book with you everywhere; you never know when you're going to be waiting longer than you intended.

- remember to take time out of your busy day to pause for a few seconds. listen to that clock tick. breathe. you're alive. the world is spinning around you and deep beneath your feet lies a fiery core. breathe. you're alive.

- you are worth so much more than you think and don't you dare settle for anything less.

- walk out of your home with open arms, instead of folded arms, because it's much easier to catch whatever life throws at you with open arms.

- remember to take breaks. you're human, not a robot.

- it's okay not to do anything you need to do. we all need those days. don't feel guilty for staying in bed when you should have been doing something important. again, you're human. it's okay.

- smile at strangers.

- read more. it could be the back of your shampoo, or an advert on the train. just read.

- sometimes you won't know what to do. this doesn't make you weak.

- remember, sometimes you won't get back the amount of love you gave away. you must be understanding. you must be willing to move on.

- lastly, please remember to keep trying with that casserole. one day, you'll get it right... (or near enough edible, anyway).

Love is a flame
Consuming two souls,And
Melting them to one
But
Only when it is real and true

Fake love is *****
Dusty and rusty
Boring and tiring
It is lengthy
That hours don't elapse
Days are months and months are years

True love is nice
Sweet and short
Everyday ends early
And every night is short
Years are months and months are days...days elapse like hours

I hate fake love

I love true love

But I do?
I do follow my heart

So,
"dear my heart lead me to whoever has true love"
Because to quench my thirst,
Clean is paramount.

Always was always
So certain in it's way
Never could you change it's mind
Or how it would have it's say

Her eyes are made up of sunsets
But she holds the Moon at bay
Her eyes are waters
But the sea is receding away
Her eyes are full of Shadows
She questions every thing I say

The Gemini was born
But three days past the Bull
In a land full of richness
Down hill from the sugar mill
Where illusions are surely
Cut , dried and pulled


Her hands are empty
The wind begins to blow
Her hands are fingered
But I see no rings aglow

Her hands are waving
But I am so far and so . . .
Her hands now falter
Over a heart so full of grief to go

Her hands are longing for touching
And some pure belief
Her hands are lingering . . .
Reaching for some peace

The ships come into
The safety of the Harbor
Then dock and rope
There upon the warf
The gang plank unloads it's cargo
Tons of sorrow and remorse

But this widow stands
Not among the chorus
She twists and turns in a black laced
Chiffon party dress

And the bayed back moon
Is peeping through the shifty clouds
Humming a song of freedom
Before the clouds get it moving on along

Oh . . . oh her eyes were sunsets , sunsets !

My heart bleeds* for all those who have suffered wrongfully.

                                      My eyes water when I see what they've been through.


My hands stretch out towards them  but they are so far away...

                                      I wish I could help you  ALL  overcome your pain


I clasp, I bow and I pray - that any evil be removed from wherever you are           today in everyway.


A Reaction I Feel Daily

- Feb 28th, 2014  2:47 pm.

Faith. Hope. Love.
I don't have answers. I don't really know much.
But I know that those things ignite something in your heart, casting away the darkness of fear and regret.

When the cobwebs in the basement are cleared, you find all your old dreams hidden in corners you forgot about.

And when you pound your fist in the dirt, and say enough is enough... I'm not here to survive, I'm here to LIVE... to laugh and play and realize my deepest passions... to find the ocean of joy and invite everyone I know to swim in it with me. To love myself daringly; to dance with the darkness of my fears and invite their lessons in.

Something doesn't have to change. Everything has to change.
I'm not interested in being right anymore.
I'm interested in being ALIVE.

When you commit these things to yourself, and fight for love, for hope, for the adventure of really living all the way... something happens.

Something flips inside you, and heaven begins pounding at your door.

Life has always waited patiently on you to stop waiting patiently.

Adventure isn't around the corner. It's hiding underneath your heart.

Right here. Right now.

Love her like
She's the raging sea,
Unrestrained and dark and deep.
And you crave her touch
Through aching pores
As you slowly drown in sleep.

Love her like
She's the tender storm,
A lovely shade of grey.
Like with every whiff
Of breath she takes,
She's taking yours away.

Love her like
She's the silent clouds
With calmness floating by.
Like you'd want to make
Sweet love to her
Under the moon's apocalyptic eye.

Love her like
She's the blazing fire,
And you lust the candied pain.
Like she's the disease
That swallowed you whole
And you'd like to die again.

When her gentle touch
Makes your chest explode,
And your addiction is your girl.
Promise you'll love her
Through hell and back,
Or don't you dare love her at all.

A wave is breaking inside of me
Tired of living a life of negativity
How can I break these chains that haunt?
Everyday is a hollow dream

There must be a rainbow
That will break the clouds in this storm in my brain
That barricades my self esteem

My confidence is lacking
My fear's consuming
What must I do, to conquer these isolated ideas?

My heart began to pulse
I knew I had lost all control
Then I remembered my Grandma used to say
"When you feel that you have reached your end with shame
Read this from The Book of Knowledge and proclaim"

PSALM 91:14
Because he loves me," says
The Lord, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name."

I know that I will have faith to back me up
I smile, knowing not all is lost
This thought brings my mind to the center of all!!
My life is a true blessing
Our Father gave us His Son
Jesus has paid the cost

My fear is lost in a sea of hope
I truly realize no matter how hard
The ocean currents rise I will sustain