your smile sunk its teeth into my brain
and I can’t get them out
I think about you in that way all the time,
as hard, little pieces of the bigger picture,
embedded in different parts of my memory
that appear when they please

I feel your arms around me before sleep hits me
I see your smile when you tell me good news
I hear your aching heart beating when you’re upset

these are the things embedded in my brain like teeth
the smile you buried in my memories

I’m ******* terrified

every piece of you I find in my life is just a small remnant of you
but every piece of you embedded in my skin, my hair, my personality
leaves a hole when you take it away

you’re quickly replacing my framework,
filling my bones with your mannerisms and laughter and niceties
and breathing life into me so that just that smile can warm every inch of me

but what happens when you’re gone?
what happens when your laughter leaves and bitterness breaks in and rips holes in the whole person you made me?
when sorrow pours into the gaps, do I suddenly sink and drown under its weight?
does it attack what’s left of me?
do I crumble until I am two inches tall, the person I was before you built me up?

there are pieces of you embedded in my memories that will leave holes when they’re gone
I try not to think of all the ways I will try and fail to replace them
even stitches leave scars

I am ******* terrified

I don't believe in god, she said
and I tell her it's okay and it is
It's okay to choose science
It's okay to not believe in something you can't see
because a lot of people believe in almighty, invisible, love
and end up broken by people who have never heard the word
It's okay to be angry when things go all wrong
It's okay
I will love you as if nothing is different and it is okay
but when I stand in the pews,
surrounded by song and smiles,
I feel sorry for her*
because life has picked me up and thrown me down
and God caught me, dusted me off, took me in his arms, and said it's okay
I love you as if nothing is different and it is okay
I believe in God because of the two girls who hear the gospel and smile
like they are receiving birthday gifts,
their brows furrowed in concentration before they speak,
trying to bring His words to life in their voices,
trying to bring His vision to the eyes of everyone around them,
they smile all through Mass every time like it is the best day of their lives
you can't make up something like that
whether you think He is real or not
you cannot fake the look on their faces when they speak
you cannot fake the inspiration I feel hearing them
you cannot fake the community that surrounds me
as I am surrounded by singing and smiles
to you He may not exist but to me He is everything
I believe in God because fathers drown themselves
one night at a time in a bar
until they are washed away
and families are shattered,
leaving bits of glass and cuts on wives
and half-orphaned children
and somehow those children keep going
somehow they survive the worst day of their lives
and somehow they still hope for something better than what they had
even when they were dealt the worst cards,
they still smile and laugh and dream the biggest dreams
and somehow those wives still go to Mass
and somehow they raise three children alone
and they work too ******* hard for not enough rewards
and they keep going even though they could quit
and they are all scarred by this one thing, but He tells them he has given them to each other and to look at their scars and to look for shattered glass around other people and to minimize the cuts and scrapes they feel and to sweep it up before anyone steps on it
I believe in God because when I think about all of the things my life could have been
the only way for me to forgive him is to pile each complaint like coals in my heart and let the Holy Spirit light it on fire
I believe in God because two people who numb themselves with pills, hide themselves in selfishness, and deserve nothing but the worst
were blessed with an angel in the form of a four foot tall boy
with bright eyes and a quick mind
with a smile that lights a room
with happiness that is impossible to hide
with curiosity that is unending
with everything that they are not
and yet He gave them a chance to make themselves into something better
and, just in case, he gave the boy an aunt and an uncle and some cousins to watch over him
but his parents can not complain that they were never blessed
the proof is in the boy's smile, his young mind, still able to forgive them

I believe in God because nothing will ever be perfect
I will complain and be hurt and hold grudges and never know exactly the right thing to say
But, once, I picked up each of my fears like bricks, setting it down on a sheet of paper
and I watched it burn in His name
And I felt lighter than the smoke that the breeze carried up and into the night
And everything was okay

I believe in God because if I can't have one stable thing somewhere out there
what is left for me to believe in?

I hope she finds something, too

Baby, I have a hurricane of hair
and a storm behind my eyes
and one hand on my hip,
ready to fight for my beliefs.
But I wouldn't mind
if you'd be my sunshine,
kiss the lids of my eyes,
I'll take my hand off my hip,
put your hands on my thighs,
I'll let the anger slip away, if just for today
so I can recite for you
my prettiest poetry
in between cinnamon kisses
and tell you stories that I heard
in the rustling of trees on a breeze
and maybe it's too much that I want
to know all of your everything,
but I'm imagining moonlit dancing
and lazy days spent listening to music
and walking through new cities, hand in hand.
We could have it all, baby,
let's just give it a chance.

American kids
Drive Japanese cars
With loud cranking music
30 Seconds to Mars

Wear Italian designer
Hipster blue jeans
All apart of
The American scene

With the sporting of tats
Bring on the change
Imagine that
They now all look the same

American kids
Frequent Sushi bars
With piped in top forty
From English pop stars

Spending minimum wage
On German beer
Names they can't pronounce
Cause they're not from here

Try as they might
Can't point on the map
Where they have been
Nor where they are at

American kids
You can't understand
Because they are
American kids

i've always wondered how people will react if i disappeared?
would they shed a tear?
gone i would be,
no trace of me.
would they cry if they realized my presence was missing?
would they think about me?
i wonder if they will even notice,
its a parasite in my brain ever so potent.
will they care?
will they even notice if im not there?
will he care?
would he shed tears?
if i disappear, i wont burden him anymore,
i wont hold him back anymore.
would he care if i was gone?
would he care if i was cold and alone?
would he?
would they?
would you?
what would happen if i disappeared out of the blue?

missing you was once feeling broken
to miss you was to be afraid
to stand helpless as longing punctured my heart,
seeping a poisonous blend of nostalgia,
guilt, and anger around my lungs
to wait as the ache spread throughout my body bringing
days of discomfort and confusion
a kind of heavy weight that makes smiles impossible
the kind that makes an empty bridge look like open arms
I could sit and miss you until it drove me mad,
until I had lost myself in a cycle
of love, guilt, and hate
my body paralyzed while my mind battled for clarity
to miss you was to cause myself unbearable pain
and yet I couldn't stop as it flowed through my veins,
a drug I couldn't refuse
missing you was was a tornado tearing walls down
until I was left on an empty foundation,
shuddering, breathless, and windswept

but missing you now is like living someplace new,
everything is different but the world isn't ending
where there once were threatening storms,
all that's left is a breath of relief,
an absence of pain that leaves me floating
I remember you like summers past,
Missing you is like flipping through photographs,
I remember you and smile

lay with me on the lawn
when it's too hot to move
and silently soak up the sunlight

dance with me while moonlit
to your favorite song
as the stars shimmer in our eyes

love every part of me,
speak to me in poetry,
and never let me go

I have a son and daughter
They're alike as oil and water
I am proud to say that I'm their dad
since their mother died last autumn
Their only goal it seems,
Is to mess around and make the other mad

My daughter needs a mother
It's a role I'm forced to fill
I really wish my wife was still around
But, I think of how she'd handle
This little girl of ours
Although I know she's six foot underground

My son, he needs some guidance
That I just can not give
Emotions aren't a strong point in my book
He really needs his mother
To help him find his way
this mother thing deserves a second look

We're a rag tag group of people
A prince, A princess and their king
We lost our shining beacon late last year
I'm learning how to do things
That I never used to know
And my daughter has now learned to open beer

I used to be a father,
Who would send them on their way
Tell them "see your mother first, and then see me"
But, now I have no option
When decisions must be made
It seems to come back down to only me

I can tell my son to do stuff
Though I have to tell him twice
He always finds a way to get it done
When I tell my little princess
Exactly what to do
She tell me "Mum, would help me out and make it fun"

I know fishing and know hunting
I can fix most any car
I know all there is to know beneath a hood
But as far as being mother
It's a skill I have to learn
I just hope I'm doing all the things I should

The other day my daughter
Said "Dad, I need a bra"
I thought, good god, there's no one I could ask
Her granny lives in England
And her nana's in the states
So I guess it falls to me to do this task

I took her out last weekend
to buy a bra, Yes ...I said bra
This was a job her mother would have loved
But, here I was...her father
Trying to avert my eyes
Which gets real hard when pushing comes to shove

She bought her bra and smiled
As we walked out of the store
She laughed at me, and I laughed back as well
We'd shared a special moment
Between a princess and her king
It's a story to my son I will not tell

We bonded as a mother
and a father and his princess
We had a day and jeez we had some fun
I'm really glad my daughter
Told me "Dad, I need a bra"
Cause I never want to hear that from my son!!