under a bowed oak more appropriate for two lovers tryst,
in a grass grown field on an empty back forty., with a full tank
of petrol, he would park, smell from his little tanks,
lose the day  the night his sense.
His Honda 50, turned on its side he might
have wished in his brilliance, for a spark.

He always came back cross eyed dizzy, reeling saying he talked with god.
I believed him. His tortures
were worthy.

I saw him again 1987, he was smiling. He could not talk.
But he smiled like he had seen god,
then would
**** his pants,
the same look on his
face .

I’m writing this in between
Stints of self-medicating
When the memories scream the loudest
When the heartache feels the deepest

This feeling it feels bottomless
An unfathomably hollow emptiness
A deep dark abyss
From which I can’t escape

Let me start by saying
That I feel like a ***** up
A self-destructive *******
You were the only one that kept me grounded

My heart’s beating too fast write now
Even though I know you’ll never see this
I have an uncontrollable angst
You kept me sane in this crazy ****** up world

You were my best friend
You know everything about me
Even my ****** up daddy stories
The ones I don’t tell anyone about

We almost had a kid together
It was the most terrifying moment of my life
And I still haven’t told anyone about it
‘Cause I thought I’d have you to hold me during the nightmares

But I’m a complete **** up
(Nothing good ever stays with me)
Not my father, not you
Yeah, everything I touch turns to ****

“Light up till the pain gone”
Now I’m quoting rap songs
But I’m inconsolable and it’s true
I haven’t come down since you left me

I wish you could’ve seen the pain in my eyes
I wish you could’ve heard my cry for help
Every time I drank myself into oblivion
All I needed was for you to take it all away

I wanted you to fight for us
To put your beautiful pride down
For just one second and to realize
That I would go to the ends of the universe
                                                        ­                                 for you

I would've swept my self-numbing aside
Not for you but for us
I believed in us and all we were
But I was for us and you were for you

These past few weeks
We haven’t spoken a word
So the dreams keep getting longer
And the aching keeps on aching

I keep telling friends funny stories
My best memories throughout recent years
And all of them include you
My best memories are with you

I realize you don’t want anything to do with me
But I hope you at least look back and smile
I pray that you cherish our memories
..
Please don’t throw our love out of your consciousness completely.

Love,
L

this week,
i didnt eat
a single thing for three days

so i could feel
beautiful.

so i could feel
thin.

As if bound
and chained
to a rock
in the middle
of a vast, hot
desert,
I wait;
Praying for
a salvation
which might
come eventually...
*...Maybe.

You kissed her on the cheek and still remember the way her eyes crinkled as she smiled
Maybe you did it because you just didn't know what to say
Maybe it was the last time you'd get to

It's the kind of kiss you still think about years later
A neural pathway dedicated to that snippet of time, firing, firing
Devastating and vivid
A chance to live it again and again

TELL THEM HOW CLOSELY YOU WOULD WATCH YOUR BATTERY DIE, TELL THEM HOW YOUR HEART WORKS THE SAME WAY, TELL THEM YOU ARE SO TIRED OF BEING USED, TELL THEM YOU ARE DEAD.

this is not a poem
          
          

                       *just a mere

image
consisting of

                                         straight lines
and curves

I saw her standing in line fancying a magazine-
penniless as she was and buying food.
She had to use "the stamps", the mark of the poor.
She was as pretty a thing as I'd ever seen.
Her half-done hair and hand-me-down dress
were as beautiful as any model's straightway from Bloomingdale's.
Our eyes met, but I turned away...
My eyes unworthy to behold the gaze of the impoverished princess.

Take me back to where the earth smiled and my weird mind thrived
All I do is write words that make you cringe

Oh just a loser to modern time
A stranger talking to trees
living for strange thoughts and peaceful nights

Glued to a window the rain falls opposite of me speaks my pain
Days coming round where I'm cruelest to myself

Oh just a loser in your heart and mind
Even kicked by the freaks
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I be the same?

Grew up an outcast, a half-breed
Am I unworthy of love?
No luck of thing called love
I paint a picture of romance different from the norms
Unable to feel in the same cold manner
Call what you will
I'm a loser trapped in between lines, hiding to be sane

All I do is listen and pray to invisible words of the shadows on the wall
I'm a loser in between worlds, can't somebody take be home
Above those clouds and away from prying eyes

You feel
the need
to fill
the need
to feel.