You would think she was an actress with the amount of lines she has...

I never anticipated love to be the antidote,
but here you stand, healing what I thought would forever be broken

Moving on is an illusion.
It's simply a state of mind to ease the pain.
You love until you don't.
You're hurting until you're okay.
You want them until you don't care.
Not for one minute does it lessen or get easier.
Not until the day it's simply gone.
There is no moving on process.
You simply just stop caring,
Stop wanting,
Stop loving,
And stop hurting one day.
*Just like that they're never thought of again

This is my friend Pearly ... He hangs out here next to where i sleep. but he doesn't get much sun, so today ... I took him out .. He was quite delighted .. i told him of it ... but he said "only for a bit and nodded ... then he said I'm Pearly the bear I like my sleep " ... ...

The next day Pearly wasnt in his cozy spot. i didnt think much of it till i saw a deep well with a hook. i walk'd up touched the rope .. pricky fuzzies.. Pearly what have you got going on here ? i pulled him up.. " its ***** down there". .. ...... he said "Hunting .. ... . Here you are" ................ then he handed me a bow .. and said "catch me a thick buck i can dig my teeth in"  (His thick arm raised up) ........................... a long pause happened then he said ....... but take its life swiftly. I can't bare the feeling of pain.... then moments later he stopped me ... actually bring me a bed of flower peddles i must return to my lifes work ..

The following morning i came in whistling with a basket of luscious velvet smelling flowers ... finding Pearly sprawled out breathing amost natural way .. quite pleasant listening to breathing man connected to his creature self .. .........Pearly hello pearly good morn ....... .. greetings ....... then he said " I'll have nothing ..... .... then i said no bakey eggies? .. he didnt move . how about a short trip look around? .... . .. no reaction............... how bout a warm bath? .. .... nothing. ..... just him there staring at nothing ........... i could sit there and watch him stare at nothing for hours .. ... i sighed oh well i catch you later .. ..

We Were Over When we Started

©21 June 2015 Roger Turner & whitney Rix Victory II



You know, I should have seen it from the start,

Because we were over when we started,

Oh baby, That was plain for all to see,

And the only one who didn't see it,

From what I now know, was the lovestruck me.

I don't know why I could never see it.

Guess it was the fear of my breaking heart.

You know we were over when we started.

And baby, the signs were there to show me,

To say that we would never ever last.

Oh baby, why was I too blind to see,

While, you only talked about your past,

I always talked about our future,

Joke's on me, we'll never have that future.

You know we were over when we started,

And now I am more than broken hearted.



Oh baby, that forest I couldn't see.

The trees were just too thick I couldn't see.

Hidden in the woods, thorns my heart to *****,

What I'd one day find would make me sick,

The breakup I was never ready for,

I wasn't ready to fall anymore.

You know we were over when we started,

And now I am more than broken hearted.



Everyone around me told me to leave,

I should be aware for I would soon grieve,

The love that I held locked in my heart,

In yours, it just wasn't there from the start.

Any compromise was missing you see,

There was no chance love was our destiny.

You know we were over when we started,

And now I am more than broken hearted.



It was always your way or not at all,

As your harsh, heated words I now recall,

So now, I've learned to look around me,

And learned not to fall so hard and fast

I've learned to take my time and maybe,

The next time I'll find something that will last.

You know we were over when we started,

And now I am more than broken hearted.



I guess that we were no good together,

And through my tears, I seem to know that now,

You taught me what to look for I gather,

So, you could stand up, take a final bow.

And nevermind I'm drowning in my tears,

Only memories remain from our years.

You know we were over when we started,

And now I am more than broken hearted.



You know we were over when we started,

And now I am more than broken hearted.

I'm a better person now forever,

Even though you broke, tore apart my heart,

I'll admit we were no good together

Blind me, I should have seen it from the start.

You know we were over when we started,

And now I am more than broken hearted.

I don't know what to do anymore. And as this repeats in my head I can't help but remember all the times I cried that exact phrase
How many times I repeated it in my head as I watched my blood pool or as I shoved a handful of pills in my mouth or as I puked 5 gallons of water up
But I don't know what to do with these feelings with this pressure with the future im determined to have with the reoccurring visitor of mine that drags me down
And I don't know what to do with this broken little heart of mine
And this broken little brain of mine
And this broken little view that you have of your society
And this little hand that keeps jumping up to grasp mine
But I cannot tell if he wants to fly me up or pull me down
Because
I
Do
Not
Know
And neither do any of you

I once had a human heart
It beat right in my ears
Now the buzzing of a fly
Seems to have replaced
All the inner sounds
That were eating me
From within.

There is this girl
With cute tiny feet
And she once was my friend.
Now she's screaming
Writing a suicide letter
On ***** sheets.
Sheets I climbed into
Without guilt,
Without remorse,
Without emotion.

I said, "sorry I am poison.
I contaminated you
But you shouldn't have touched me."
I said,
"I try to live up to expectations
But most of the time I fail.
Most of the time I hurt me."

She wasn't listening anyway.
For her, I had ceased to exist.
For her I had no heart beat.

But I hope she can still
Hear hers.


F.Z.**N

My journey to purification began on a night where I pretended like you didn't exist.
I denounced myself a pagan of memories,
turned your forgotten words into forbidden hymns,
embraced them in my mouth before I climbed into bed,
and used them to sing myself to sleep
in all of the hours before I did not dream of you.
It was like burning a house with memories in it,
because you need the ashes to reconstruct a new one.
It was like holding your breath even when you're not in water,
because you have experienced drowning and do not want to risk it again.
I kept on telling myself that this was peace- leaving you was not enough so I had to leave myself as well.
Here is a version of me not at war with you- here is a version that is telling itself nothing has changed even though it is barely existing.
Here is a version moving violently around with nothing to restrict it- here is a version dancing whimsically alone.
Here is a version so small it cannot be stampeded on- here is a version so small it cannot hear its own heartbeat.
Here I am trying to struggle free of you,
Fighting myself so that you don't have a chance to.
But as the days go by,
I am hoping only my cocoon loved you.
And the self- inflicted scars will one day stop belonging to me
And,
belong to some other shell,
restricting the body of,
some other boy.

It is a trial to be free when you are an addict of the prison that held you.
I've been teaching myself about how wrong I am-
That I was not born to make a home out of love,
I am too poignant and sensitive
And cannot belong to anything.
Though the chains may be comfortable,
I need to sacrifice ecstasy so I can find a new lifestyle that is not inspired by their heaviness.
I need to find real fulfillment before it's too late.
Before the chains leave me instead of me leaving them-
Before I'm forced to gallop into any new home I see because I was never prepared enough to be able to stand alone.
I want to forget the way I lived for you,
I want to burn everything without feeling the need to say sorry.
Why must I wait for your forgiveness when everytime I find the urge to reconcile myself,
I'm forced to choke out apologies before I even act on anything.
Why must I lie awake unsure of the future,
Seeing things smaller than you trying to fill a void they won't fit in,
Holding me down so that I cannot be bigger than them.
I know now that I am susceptible to allurement as intensely as a mirror susceptible to light,
Because I am now a reflection of a love I barely experienced.
I stay awake in my sheets every night - praying for my own forgiveness,
Even when I have the ability,
To turn things that don't even hurt me into punishments.

She cried.
She dies.
She's broken inside.
How much longer?
How many days?
Before she gets to end the pain?
She doesn't mean it.
She doesn't like to cry.
But what should she do?
What should she say?
All she knows is happiness doesn't stay.
She tried to smile.
She tried to sing.
But no one knows the tune...
So they weren't listening.  
She told them to listen.
She told them to hear.
But they broke her sprit.
They caused her fears.
Was she too fat?
Was she too thin?
Was she too ugly?
Can she ever win?
They said he pain was just for show...
But when she hung herself emotionally...
I wondered how they still didn't know?
Did they know she was hurting?
She didn't know they cared.
They were too late now.
Her sprit was crushed.
She just gave up.
No matter how hard she tried.
It wasn't right.
All she dreams of is dying...
Where's the light?
She gave up because it wasn't enough.
Its never enough.

You could convince me to **** myself
You don't care because it'll silence the voices
You can bring me to tears at pulse of a heartbeat
Like right now
You will force me to smile in the most grim situations
You tell me it's all gonna be okay
Then go and say I am a horrible creature
You are my best friend and my worst enemy
I hate you almost as much as I need you
You do this to yourself
You do this to me
You are my own brain
The conductor of emotions and controller of my every move

A year ago
You told me to stop being so picky
Sat me down
And after a few bottles
Called me a miserable ****
For having such high standards

A year ago
You asked me
What good is intellectual connection
In the face of desolation

A year ago
You reprimanded me
Telling me how I was getting old
And how I'll die alone
If I don't compromise

A year ago
I laughed and shrugged
Lit another stick
And grinned
Knowing what was good for me
And how your advice
Was anything but

And now
How I laugh and grin all the more
Vindicated
Justified
At having listened to my heart
Instead of your misguided words
The lot of you.

Had I paid you heed
I would never have found my geisha
Instead trapped in the
Clutches of some strumpet
Drowning in the sediment
Of awkward smirks
And silent drives
Singing desperate songs

Never tell me to settle again
If there's any settling that I'll be doing
It's settling down
With my geisha.