I’ve tripped over every accessible hallway, trying to stop myself from falling in love with you.

One day I will muster all my courage
One day I will not care for the judges
One day I will clear all my grime
One day I will vent out all my anger
One day I will open up fearlessly
'Coz then I couldn't speak
When it all happened once
With me too!

And yes, I will find a caravan
Which is moving on
It may be late
But definitely in this lifetime
To live once again,
Forgetting all that happened once
With me too!

Not for the name or fame
Not for a revenge or blame
Just to sleep with peace
Once again in my innocence
Forgetting all those memories
That still haunts me
Those moments of shivering
When it happened once
with me too!

Yes it happened
With me too!

I don't think I know
where to begin or
where to go
How to leave chance behind
how to change perceptions
how to treat my own mind

I don't know
why I have this need
to share and to show
Exactly where I stand
ever spilling heart in hand

I don't know why
I keep asking for truth
from strangers only passing by
Same old retreat
numbing sadness on repeat

I have no idea
what to tell you now
how to make myself more clear
How to leave and how to save
how to make my feet behave

I'm a glass full of shards
a peculiar collection
lots of shiny unknown parts
I don't know who I am anymore
I don't think I knew before

I found my grandmother the night she died
The room filled with mourning tears
My mother slapped me
because I hadn't cried in two days
At 18 how do you emotionally process a body that once held a life?

Disconnected from my thoughts
I felt neither pain nor love nor loss
How could I say that, without feeling defective
but I couldn't get past that shell with empty eyes
that stared at me until I noticed they weren't smiling

When the body turned to flesh
she was gone and I was lost
in those empty eyes that seemed to
hold a universe of nothing
and if I stared too long I'd disappear in that void
where her light used to shine

**

Too soon, I held my mother's hand as she passed
and watched the life leech out of her skin
The eyes were the last part of her to fade
I stared at her
Willing with all that I am that they would
spark and reignite the fire of who she was
But her skin ran cold the second the light ceased
So cold, yet so very soft.

Two days, and a blended family to hold up
Even with makeup, dressed to the nines
It didn't feel less... wrong
She was beautiful, but she wasn't my mother

I couldn't escape the knowledge
of invisible sutures
As I held her face and fixed her hair
I cursed those television shows I once watched with her
The ones that taught us how things worked
The ones that burned the knowledge of
the sutures into my memory
a memory I couldn't escape

Four days and two shoulders heavy with tears
Too busy with paperwork and wishes
to bleed tears of my own
Thankful for things to do
So I wouldn't get lost in her empty eyes
that stared at me whenever I closed my own

I sit here, grown, wondering how to
emotionally process a body that once held a life?
Praying that she will slap me for not being able to cry
Just so I could feel her

My Reportage for 10/8/2018
When I was a child, my mother and the neighbors
would sit on the front stoop and gossip
about current events: ones would pretend
to be reading her book, but ones ears were like
cable vision indoor satellite: broadcasting
Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh
Stirs up a lot in me this past week
About my childhood memories,

I felt unnerves, about topics that old folks chat about back then:
I remember the villains, child *** predators and ****** fathers
the child's entrapment and powerlessness era in our small village
Where the old folks buried the secrets under the rugs
And prayer about it on Sunday morn

Flashing back to those stories,
too often is nerve wrecking
I called them the gossiping sundown moments:
Shilling was a clone of Brett Kavanaugh: he drank and he forgets:

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! /
The world forgetting, by the world forgot. /
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! /
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd
'Eloisa to Abelard', Alexander Pope

Those gossiping sundown moments,
Never dies when it enters the ears of a heedful child:
I was always one of those children,
Who was so careful about stranger’s looks?
the friendlier the neighbors sweet talk tones
I would take off with speed like the swarm drone
Odd! but that was all it took:

All emotions, even those that are suppressed and unexpressed, have physical effects. Unexpressed emotions tend to stay in the body like small ticking time bombs—they are illnesses in incubation.”
― Marilyn Van M. Derbur,
:

By Arcassin Burnham

Seeds of evil will grow and puncture any wound from the stomach up leaving illusions and wild fascinations,
Just as worst as Gotham City but without the bat blinded from the truth of situations,
Fathers and mother's crying ****** ****** for children's dissaperences on the come-up,
Will another person with black skin that didn't do nothing will end up shot up?
Times are hard I understand but there are things bigger than me and you bickering now,
Any fact about the world that I would kick to you , you'd ignore, you're afraid somehow,
If you're someone that'll rather be home saving up all your money while joining a crowd,
People in the afterlife will be amazed , progress would've paid off, I'm proud.

Purpose follows any plan and any agenda , God Created purpose so he knows what all applies,
The masters of war correlates with Hades leading to the end of some of our lives,
Some will stay and fight , some will run away and some will just hide and decide to flee,
Strong will survive and weaklings stay behind , don't want to be known as someone cowardly,
False prophets that pretend like they help in any situation would just get you lost,
Like a broken record spinning the same thing like a loop hell , there's no earthly costs,
Battling things in your mind but need some medications to hopefully warm the soul,
Stop hiding behind security looking for clarity , you need to be bold.

/

She said love was overrated and all I did was just drop my head,
Thinking you were happy,this was fake,I'd rather die instead,
I'm just playing baby,I'm not tryna' get you scare tonight,
Teaching me humility,there is no more room to cry,
We've both had broken hearts and nothing can replace the hate we feel,
Determined to show you a compassionate side so you could heal,
**** the stars and **** eclipses,don't have to bring you the moon,
Even though we don't conversate,I can't wait to see you soon,
Dreaming of a day where I could be the one to laugh with you,
I'm finding the nerve to have the courage not to deal with you,
Learning all the lies and all the secrets that you hid from me,
Now I think it's time for me to teach you some humility.

By Arcassin Burnham

Pushing the barricades, making these new moves,
Why do have to share my glory with false hoping attention grabbing
glory seeking egotistical *******,
God says you better love your mother,
At least that what he said before she told i ruined everything,
I wasn't supposed to be born according to what she says,
A young man could only take so much , when the problems ain't harsh,
And your souls not gone, and went ghost for a whole year just to prove a
point,
Don't have time for ******* and such, when your life is at peace,
Eat , sleep and ****, and the days don't matter when have common
sense , ***** get to the point!
If I haven't woken up , I will,
If I haven't woken up , I will.