Act One
Scene: a blue room with white curtains all drawn together tight
A broken record player filling my mouth with buzzing noise
You sit on the couch the way a queen sits on a conquered city
My eyes blind themselves with the dark of your hair

Time: When the sun and the moon collide

This is the part where I meet you
Where I really meet you
Where I get to know the inside of your cheek
The beating of your fluttery heart
The bruises on your sides like blooming roses
The soft hush of your words melting into my mouth

We play at lovers in a game that isn't our own

Act Two
Scene: Flashing lights sending the room into a flurry of technicolor madness
A bottle of ***** burning my throat like swallowed wooden matches
In a sea of movement you turn into a deity all on your own
My hands shake from the inside out and it is nothing, it is nothing

Time: When the waves engulfed the shore

This is the part where I hate you
Where I don't really hate you
But I hate him and him and her and him
And the way you are holding on to bones that are not my own
The clawing at my chest
The blood spinning in my head
The way you mean everything to me
And I don't even cast a shadow in your world
The way you shine and all I can do is long

I never meant for jealousy to wear my skin like a tailored suit

Act Three
Scene: An empty street and a lonely light
Jagged bricks digging into the soft part of my neck
You lean on a car and you don't look me in the eye
My tongue bleeds from all the words I cannot say

Time: When the stars fall from the sky

This is the part where I lose you
Except that I don't really lose you
Because in order to lose something, you must first have it
And I never had you
But I did keep your butterfly laugh in the cracks between my ribs
Your favorite lipstick in the pocket of my jacket
The broken shards of your full length mirror buried in my hands

I knew some people always loved more, always loved less, but I never knew you didn't love at all

Act Four
Scene: a blue room with white curtains all drawn tight
A broken record player imitating life
You are nowhere to be found  and yet your ghost keeps popping around
My spine creaks from the weight of the world, of love, of you

Time: When the moon stills sing for the morning light

This is the part where I wait for you
Where I really wait for you
Because I am stupid and naive and hopelessly hopeful
And maybe it's pathetic
But I'm still waiting for the sound of your heavy footsteps
Your red sweater on my desk
The warmth of your presence
For you to love me back

I'm still waiting for you to come back

think of an utterance elicited somewhere far off
a language of lies
things announced, but never taken
by the senses of your peers

imagine the sound of a collapsing planet
fire and ice and crystal dust
core grinding,
ground scraping,
forms lost as it falls apart

the roar of a dying star
like an angry beast in the dark
its long reach takes with it its legacy
existences sustained

comets which streak by
frigid tails that catch the eye
an aurora in its blinding light
a show best visible at night

unseen collisions
yet always acknowledged
confirmed - for sure - by expensive machines
watching as they go
from our house and down the road

they pass an unseen boundary
crossing to the other side
their noises,
a symphony
the beginnings and ends of life

When talking gets you nowhere
Silence will have to do

Everything
Is made up to be deep and difficult:

Like the aura of a lost lover
        In your basin of memories,
Like the lips of a man
        You'd kiss from your tiptoes,
And the love you gave out
        But now have misplaced in the dark.

But our simplicity is
Forgotten:

Like the soft cherry blossom
        From a tree convinced it's spring,
Like the vivacious roasts of coffee beans
        Stirred soft by cream and sugar,
And the instinctive embrace of a friend
        Not caring if you want it.

Why then, can't love be made simple?

I look forward to seeing him everyday.

What is this torture?

How do I stop castigating myself
and throwing myself prostrate
on the burning coals
those spitting embers
spider web cracks
spreading like contaminants
foreboding of the epidemic to come
intricate designs carrying grave warnings.

I tremble.

I have never trembled before.

Not in response to the mere
idea
that image in my head of
his arm tenderly around my shoulders
to shelter me from the inevitability of the future
the dancing spectre of his face
lingering in the goose flesh
that breaks out like a cold sweat
when my heart aches
and my mind cries out in anguish
at the terror and sheer immensity of
that crushing longing.

Never have I wanted so wantonly
a wildfire consuming
ravaging every inch of my world
reducing me to a snarling beast
bared teeth
hair standing on edge to lash out
the power of the entire universe
pulsing through my veins.

A mother’s love pales
to the ferocity of my fight.

I have nothing to lose
I have seen the mountaintop
I have seen the destruction
the darkness and storms which
lie ahead for the burning chasm of
pain and beauty and love
that is my very essence
and I must continue
I must go there and know
that I can survive the gale winds
and the pelting rain
slapping my face
with a lace glove
as if that could somehow insulate me
from the sting of your absence
and the looming murky world
that you leave in your wake
expecting my gratitude
for the silt and dust that hangs around me
whose hollow presence
doesn’t keep me warm at night.

I feel my control
slipping through my fingers
the sieve through which my power is filtered
and I am left with only the dregs
why did you have to come here?

Why did I listen to your whisper
to open my eyes and
see
and have your face be the first
image haloed in the sun’s glorious offering
of light
bathing my retina in the warm liquid matrix?

How long could I have held onto hope
that two parallel lines
could one day diverge from their path
their arrow-straight shot to infinity
and converge
to know that touch for even a fraction of
a femtosecond?

How long will I continue my self deception?
To listen to the dulcet tones of that uninhibited
purr in the back of my mind
which exists outside of knowledge and logic
inhabiting the world of unmentionable desire
a longing that I suppress
a wanting that I can never trust.

Crumbling facades and fading frescos
are all that lie ahead
as time’s march crushes all dreams
under its steel-toed boot
stealing everything away from me
until I subsist on arid dust
and musty, time-worn clocks.

He said, "Tell them you love them"
But I don't know how,
The words never follow through,
Just always foaming at the mouth.
Like a dog in the heat,
But it's me in his sweater,
Give me one last change to try to get it together.

He said, "Try harder" to me,
But I don't know if I can,
All the pounding in my chest and the weight in my hands,
You know it's harder to be,
Something that which takes effort and time,
Something that'll resemble the girl in the back of your mind.

I'll be a whiskey and a fire,
A burst of burning light,
I'll be the dullness in old dresses
Or your cloudy starless night.

He said, "You need to relax"
And maybe he was right,
Maybe I was holding onto words too tight,
And I could fall into his dream,
And finally breathe,
Bend my bones into the beauty I knew he wanted me to be.