Lies, manipulation
Topped with respect

How does that work?

i lasso lightning
i enjoy the pain
it numbs my fingers
it bolts my brain

my smoke rings linger
but the fire fades
i'm drawn to darkness
i'm a long delay

the average cost of a funeral is
$8,515

death is unaffordable for me

put me in  big oblong cardboard box

2 feet by 3 feet by 6 feet

packing list enclosed

fragile (not really)
      please handle with care

keep upright

       or

supine

send me to the
grande vide

postage due

.
I see the sunrise coming
Like the thousands all before
I feel the emptiness forming like it was a downpour
There are no rays of warmth in the abyss
There are no permissions for a wish

Black Sun rising
Like a curse
Black Sun rising
Only comes the worse

Only comes the worse
Black Sun rising
Like a curse
my black sun rising

Perhaps maybe an interactive piece
Pages upon ages
Of what seemed to be a decision.

Decision, a thought that made it out
Of the cages created to keep
The illusion flowing

A decision was made
Overwhelmingly without considering
the consequences but rather
the satisfactions that came with it

on this highway of life
that decision never left you
slowly wrecking your soul
and in tears you held and hoped for more

was that decision a morphine or an addiction
is it a hopeless will that haunts
is it a rope on your neck
slowly taking your days away

so you sit and wonder
if the decisions you’ve made
are made for you
or your subconsciously following a pattern
a laid foundation
a culture that was created to control, without you knowing

When you lose an family member it always there.
In your heart, an piece that has been ripped out.
It matters not what others might tell you about it..
That eventually you get over it, for that is not true.
You never get healed on losing someone you love.
It has 34 years since my father went away in death.
It still hurts even worst than the day that he had died.
Actually I believe that I was in shocked at the beginning.
But it still hurts really bad especially the anniversary of his death.
My mother, sister, and nephews hurt really bad as well too.

They talked about him as the one
who none had ever seen smile.

You couldn't gauge
if he was happy or depressed
no emoji could describe
the repressed expression
but all said
he was dutiful.

Caring husband and father
responsible family head
silent bread earner.

His constant arrangement made sure
the home was neatly organized
not one object was out of place
and but for the children
it would have been hard to guess
if he ever met his wife privately
summing up him to be named
robot
and the belief in his name was strong.

When his wife died
he wailed so loud
it could be heard beyond town.

To the neighbors,
it was mechanical breakdown.

On the Beach that day  
Somewhere near Olsten’s Bay
Wind whistle as the tourist passed by
My heart felt light, yet it felt heavy:
Blue Caribbean Sea water, wrap around me
Like an invisible burrito

White sands cover my brown toes,
My one size fit all bathing suit cling against my
Pear shape body: my thoughts were unstilled:
                Frightening:

the surrounding was a perfect fit for true lovers,
Somehow, I felt trap in a circle,
what it love or pity for this mortal
“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” ~Mark Twain

I suppose I was that man/woman:
Rejection is the most unforgettable thing
Move on, rub dirt on it. (Malarkey)!
Why did we allow this to happen to us?
Why did he allow this to happen to him?

Deuteronomy 21:15-17
“If a man has two wives, the one loved and the other unloved, and both the loved and the unloved have borne him children, and if the firstborn son belongs to the unloved, then on the day when he assigns his possessions as an inheritance to his sons, he may not treat the son of the loved as the firstborn in preference to the son of the unloved, who is the firstborn, but he shall acknowledge the firstborn, the son of the unloved, by giving him a double portion of all that he has, for he is the first fruits of his strength. The right of the firstborn is his.

It not a good thing to play a hero!!