Step into my journal
My life before your eyes
Come step into my world, dear
It's sure to be a surprise

What you thought about me
Disappeared without a sound
I liked to hide behind my walls
Whenever you came 'round

I'm not perfect, not even holy
I've got scars that I love to hide
If you come and look closely, you'll see
That I have more than just one side.

...Welcome.

i remember when i used to catch fireflys
and watch them as they glow
but now they're a distant memory
of the childhood i should have known

i've always been
a little less then a prodogy
but
a little more then average
my "childhood" was (is) just a job
for which i didn't get paid
and when i was tired of acting (not so) my age
my parents told me i had to go

i've always been
a little more then needed
but
a little less then right
and everyday i'd tell my bones to just
hold on tight
but now i'm breaking
making every single move a mistake
and
takeing every single word that you say
but hey
i'm 12 years old
why would i have a say?

so every night the only thing i could do
was catch fireflys
but i'm too old now
**and i have bible study tonight

You make me wonder what I would be like

If you hadn't comed in and changed my life

if you hadn't made everything that's wrong seem right

or if you didn't trick me into believing in love in first sight

or if you did teach me death

because I died when you left me

So I guess that means my question is answered

without you in my life I would be like a cancer survivor  

without the cancer

Sometimes I wonder if I should stop trying
Give up and let them all see my face
The side of me that is selfish
Wants to point them all to my own name.

Because I'm scared, and, I guess
I have a lot of shame
And fear of shame
Which is sometimes worse
Because the only thing you can do about it
Is somehow stop being afraid
And how in the world do you stop being afraid?
Especially of something like shame
Shame is a fear
A fear of rejection
A fear of making mistakes
A fear of your true, self-centered soul being bared to mankind
You're afraid to be opened wide
Before the audience
All who watch you
You believe that if they ever saw the person you are on the inside
When you're alone
At your worst
When you're a failure at best
And outcaste at worst
Because they would!
They would scorn your soul!
No! No! Nothing but perfection can stand here!
You are horrible and we cannot tolerate anything but crystal
Pure and undefiled
Never messing up
Never admitting defeat
That's what you fear
You're afraid that they would denounce you
But you can't see
Well, why should you
That you are not alone
This masquerade invited everyone
And sadly, everyone came
There's truth waiting in the shadows
If you know to call its name
Wait for the calling!
Where we all rip off our masks
Proud as we are human
Prone to make mistakes.
You have to let go of fearing
That you won't measure up
'Cause hey, join the club, we've got t-shirts
That say, “Cover me with His love”.
Shame is your slavemaster, you know it
You are bound by its fear and its hate
So break your bonds of imperfection
Live your life before it is too late.

“Why do you listen to metal,”
I'd always wanted to ask.
“It's because I always want to scream...
No one lets me, but I'm glad you asked.”

THOUGHTS
Leave me alone,
I'm sick of your venom
You seek to steal, ****, destroy
Why haven't you killed me yet?

WALLS
Be silent, don't speak
I know the words you'd have
Never let me listen to your spite
You would have me tremble at your threat

DARKNESS
You took ahold of me
And you were far too strong
I am stepping out of fear tonight
I haven't since you and I first met.

MEMORY
Stop reminding me
Of the things I had forgotten
I know I was such a bad person
But to change, I really need to forget!

PAIN
Stop pulling me
You're stifling my voice
If you only would loosen your grip
You would see that I am just dead set.

SHAME
You take hold of me!
You drag me where I go!
You control my actions, my words
I am slave to you, drowned in sick debt

EYES
You see the world
Creating my habitat
You connect visions and secrets
But then, you lie just as often as me.

DREAMS
You captivate me
Taking me somewhere else
I believe your twisted reality, then
My world awakens, I—disoriented—flee.

LOGIC
Oh, you bound me
Locked me within your walls
I fear there is no escape from here
But I was always a slave to conformity.

TRUTH
Come on, shine!
Blind their eyes, even mine!
Glow and rip the bonds from me
I am searching, seeking, just set me free.

SKY
Open...move the clouds
Give me that heavenly chorus
Look for me in the city on the hill
I'll be the one with no more suffering.

Please, please hear me
'Cause I'm crying out
If I thought you weren't here
Would I still shout?

I've got some questions
That I know you've heard
Perhaps you'd let them
Have a second word.

Hear me out, I say,
The lines are broken down
Maybe when I took a breath
It brought them to the ground.

Maybe in the end I'll say
That this was all for good
But at this moment, I cannot stay
Anywhere you stood.

So hear me...I know it hurts...
Please, don't shut me out.
If I knew that you would turn away
Then would I still shout?

Spectacular is not me
And I may not be “just brilliant”
But in the end, what matters
Is His grace is sufficient.

When we kissed it sent electricity throw my bones
it sent waves of adrenaline through me
none stopping
and that feeling
called me

so every night I went to your room
and every day I was your punching bag
you where the on thing I couldn't live without
but I literally cant live with you
because you where killing me

Those kisses of electricity
gave me frost bite
colder than a winter night
they sent fear through me
I didn't know
I couldn't see how you where hurting me
All I could do was imagine that that frost bite was cold because of me
I did something to make things turn badly
and sadly I couldn't get out of this mess
I couldn't believe
you would ever mean to hurt anybody

then my angles came to help me

The weight was too much:
I despaired until I saw
I was meant to fail.
For when I try carrying,
I cannot lift as You can.

Anxiety, fear,
And doubt that I could be one
You'd listen to now.

You're close the end
When you draw breath and forget
That I used to breathe.