~

I don't want it anymore (my heart)


This forest of black fern, scraping thorn’d tree trunks
It all looks the same
Tearing at my flesh…ripping wounds upon my chest
Severing slowly
Pain merely a dashed figment of my stoic imagination
Sharp blades twist
Wandering for nights on end as days no longer exist
Getting nowhere fast
Frowning moss grows on the east side of sorrow
Dying north spins
As I hold in my hand this thing that still bleeds
Two parts, gaping
Seeking the perfect hiding spot in charcoal stone ash
Shadows fade desires
This is of no use to me, take it, I don’t want it anymore
It is broken
Rains soften this hell as I dig deeper into the sadness
Buried in teardrop mud
And I sit, amongst bramble and thistle spun chains
Waiting for the end….

Honey take away the blade
From those innocent little wrists
You're far too precious
To hurt yourself like this.
Baby, take your fingers
From down your throat,
You're far too beautiful,
To make yourself gag and joke.
Sweetheart, empty those pills,
From your hands
You're far too gifted
To slip through the sands
Of time.
Darling, take the fist away,
From your head,
Your far too special,
Take your fist to a pillow instead.
Angel, take all those self destructive thoughts and hold yourself in your arms,
You're worth so much more and deserve so much better,
than to cause your self harm.
I promise.

My father.
Old sailor.
Old farmer.
Old carpenter.
Old interpreter.
Old archive of facts
And history. He knows
Our ancestory by heart down
To the 1600s. Born 1946, 68 years
Old today. Bought me my first pen,
My first book, taught me English
From the age of five. Told me I
Had the gift of language and
Expression. And that I was
A stronger boy than any
Anyone had ever seen
By the time I began  
To learn English.
I owe him credit
For every word
I have written.
Weak now
With age and
Bad lungs, I still
See him as a giant
Handling a chainsaw,
Smelling of forestry and
Gasoline and winter, smiling
At me with eyes deep blue from
Seeing more ocean and sky than I
Ever will know with my own.
His name to me is pappa.
After a few pints of his homemade
Wine, I sometimes let him beat me at Armwrestling. Then we laugh like
Old friends, remembering how
The roles were different back
Then. I am glad I stopped by
For a cuppa on this day. He
Would never ask me to.
Happy Birthday, pappa.

I'd cut a decade from my lifetime
To add a single year
To yours.

~

Dumb Founded

Falling
headfirst,
tumbling in the fever,
clawing at the sides,
though not really wanting to stop

(slowing the pace of pleasure)

Faster,
harder it comes,
long as it is wide,
visions pass in rapid colors,
scenes of grandeur and promise smile

(sandy shores whisper hello)

Deeper
into this world
I move, dreaming
carving a future
on an illusion’d desiring mind

(beautiful landscapes for two)

Endless?
So it seems,
for light emits
in rose colored filters
from reaches of heart shape eyes

(and I breathe in the exotic aroma)

Destiny,
fate holds
answers so long
of waiting and hoping,
when with a thud I reach the bottom

(no smiley face welcome mats here)

Darkness,
no one home,
only a muddied mirror hangs
swinging on a stone wall,
in its reflection is found my “deepest” fear

(I am indeed as dumb as I look)

~
Don't you cry tonight



Give me a whisper and give me a sigh

Those soft words following the emotions in your eyes
Exhaling poetry on my whimpered dreams
Take from me all that I can give while
reaching for that sunset…a distant prism of light

Give me a kiss before you, tell me goodbye

Soft lips in sad shapes, downturned towards darkened fears
Moist as they meet in wilted wishes
Walking away…a silhouette of that which I long for
As tears drift on questioned zephyrs

Don't you take it so hard now and please don't take it so bad

To know this feeling, I swear I don’t
Still calling out in echoed chants flowing naked valleys
Hoping you hear, praying you smile, asking you to listen
Before the moon fractures in cosmic sorrow

I'll still be thinkin' of you and the times we had...baby

Eternal visions find you and me, hand in hand
Dancing on quiet shores, melodic surf rhythms
In memories of what once was, what should be
and the stars drip into anguished teacups pleading

*Don’t you cry tonight…

~

Final memory



When death
on darkened skies
through my window
flies

My wish
in pleading sighs
is that before my
eyes

Your face
is what I see
of this last breath I
breathe

So nothing
else shall be
my final
memory

By and by and breath by breath
I Find that I have nothing left.
I am the skin laid out to dry;
The flayed, scraped creature that had to die.

I watched the sun's trip through the sky from
Sunken pits, these empty eyes:
Its gentle pace on through the trees to
Scarlet death on cloudy seas.

I felt the day rob from my veins
I longed for dusk, I prayed for rain
To fill me up, and quench the yearn
From hollowness to seek return.

I petrified here without you
I burned and withered and I knew:
By and by and breath by breath
I've given all, I'll give what's left.

And I'm still here, completely bereft
Where you placed me when you left.

Oblivious of the surrounding darkness
The fireflies light up, to dispel it
Dancing around in complete ecstasy
Penetrating through the obscurity
The fireflies have defeated the night
As if stars have descended on Earth
Waking us from a slumber, to join the party*





© Amitav (Radiance)

She's the silhouette leaning on the tree
She's the whisper in the dark
She's the hand you can't quite reach
She's right there
But you aren't.