The monster within me cries out for help..
The monster within me needs help..
The monster within me thinks of only me...
The monster within me says who cares who gets hurt in the long run...
    But I care.
The monster within me says take him for all he's got....
    But that's not me.
The monster within me says he really doesn't love you....
   But I love him.
The monster within me says true love is only for believers...
    But I believe....
The monster within me... oh that monster what am I to do???

At times,
my heart pumps emotions
that don't belong to me,
that cut deep enough to
make me acknowledge that self-destruction can
never take a form stronger than this.

I feel like a trinket
Put up on a shelf
Only to be admired
You can only look
But please it's not a toy
Only taken down
for a minute or two
Then back to the shelf I go
You can't imagine
the thoughts or the feelings
I may have
It's easier to just put me on a shelf
How is this better
Why am, I not to be enjoyed
I know quite alot
I got a great sense of humor
But this isn't funny
Now ya got me feeling like a trinket
Can't tell me it's ok
I just can't live this way
Sitting on a shelf
This I cannot do
© Jennifer Delong 9/28/18

when consumed with the torturous thought of growing old and just
wanting to end it now
is when i truly feel the most
clinical.
depression
the crux of the matter i’m just
recovering from past lives i cannot imagine
grey days are days i wish eternal death on myself
all of me, my entire soul, body, thought, potential, existence
gone.

Today you will let go of him
I told myself
but it´s nothing you can decide

You can´t just stop feeling
You can´t just stop thinking

I thought I would never be able to let you go
I thought your sent would have staint me forever

But it was till the moment I saw you again
first it broke my heart how you  smiled so easily without me
how you  acted like nothing ever happend
but then I understood
You wear my key to happiness
but in fact the key opened an illusion

I became someone I wasn´t just for you to like me
you never fell in love with me
you fell in love with what I became
which was nothing but your sidekick
boosting your ego and showing me off

so now I understood why you never cared
and never will
because you fell in love with being loved
but you didn´t thought it was necessary to show love back

You took away my voice
but the day I saw you again I got it back
because I could finally tell myself that I would have been worth it
and that I am not the reason you walked away
because you never walked in to begin with.

Today I gaint my voice back
and I can finally say your name.