I envy those who know what they want
Or those who don't, but have multiple shots
But here I am
With no desire, with no chances
Holding on to the dice with trembling hands
Gambling with my life.

My heart beats wildly
Fiercely.
But

I am an empty vessel.
No soul...
Nothing.

I yearn for something more.
But I won't let
Myself have it.

I will not allow
This sort
Of happiness
Belong in my
Life.

The one where
One loves
Another.

These are the rules
In my heart.
Permanently etched.

Wish I could melt
My feelings
Away.
Into.
A.
Giant.
Sea.

You see,
I am not cut out
For this happiness.

Overthinking.
Overdoing.
Overachieving.
Over-trying.
­I am just over-everything.