Last Eid I became very sick,
And was admitted in ICU,
My son and daughter-in-law were there for me hands on,
After my release my son took me to their home,
And  as I got better I offered to help around the house,
My daughter-in-law just smiled and said,
For now for us is most important is you
BREATHE and relax,
You really scared us.
23/3/2025.

I wish I could go back, just one more day,
To Dec 31st 2020, before you slipped away.
I wish I could hold you tight,
As on the next morning, you lost your light.

I wish I could hear your scold, one more day,
'Cause now our home's almost silent all day.
I know you are watching us from heaven,
Everyone forgot, but I still remember you  24/7.

I wish I could apologize for that fight,
Which you & I had for TV, that last night.
Now, I hold regret in every breath I take,
Wishing for one moment I can't remake.

I waited in the summers,
For the breeze of yours
I waited in the winters,
For the warmth of yours
I waited in the springs,
For the scent of yours
I waited,
But you were at someone else's door
You waited,
Not for me,but someone else's odour

They said,you're ugly,
I asked,"What's Beauty?"
They said,your teeth are bad,
I said,Oh! So that's beauty,I fixed it.
They said, you're dark skinned,
I said,Oh! So that's beauty,I lighten it.
They said,you're short,
I said,Oh! So that's beauty,I wore heels
They said,you're the ugliest one ever,
I said,Oh! So that's beauty,I wore makeup
They said you're still ugly!!
I again asked,"What's Beauty?"

When I smiled,
People said, “Eww, that’s gross.”
When I laughed in happiness,
People said, “It’s ugly.”

When I smiled,
People said, “Your teeth are yellow.”
When I laughed,
People said, “Your laugh is ugly.”

When I smiled,
People made me teary.
When I laughed.,
People said, “you look ******".

And when everything was fine,
When everyone said, “Smile!”
It was the moment
I was afraid to smile.

the dream is dreaming itself, we are its subjects
the mysterious writing of life, its ellusive quest
an inflationary expansion was deleting its traces
zero degree of consciousness in a moving aliveness
strange rhythms around and strange qualia
there were attributes without letters at first
before a predicate turned into subject
life othering itself into much more in its own image

life was chatting with itself before the knower and the known
spinning the seeds of time, change: its true substance
I am you and you are me but  we need
a symmetry break for the dawn of mind, the other of the body

so much was already done since life was rehearsing for eons its scripture, forms of habit, viable conventions
processing its otherness relentlessly
mind is this forest-creature exulting, hiding, defending,
breaking down, screaming, expulsing, recomposing, sprouting light and lightning

the very first thoughts traversed the barrier of vibrant void
their binding a translation of a body in time, a future storyteller
pure movement the nature of space, the wonder of above and bellow
the first qualia, tension and intensity, an unstructured  flow of frequencies, a cascade of warmth, fullness, emptiness,  
a body discovering herself, her unbearable, her rapture, the feeling of being

the centre is everywhere expanding, accelerating a creative chaos
thinking was just waking in the  field of a dreaming body
thoughts needed to outgrow slowly their skin of imaginary beings

then again and again
dreaming keeps decomposing the already thoughts trapped in their echo chambers, their networked cocoons circle our certainties
a thought needs to die to create another, a sacrifice to the god of the unknown
oh how many deaths we have already died recomposed only by dreaming, the solvent from which reality is born

intensively your body is translating feeling into dreaming,
extensively the mind is dislocating dreaming into thinking  
whille a distant star is crushing itself,  
love rehearses its gravity,
death is saturated by its own dismay

perhaps poetry is this witness of silent cosmogonies

In the "loneliness",
I find connection.
In the "boredom",
I find fulfillment.
In the "silence",
I find serenity.

Why aren't you at peace?

Forgiveness (2013)


I learned as a young young girl that there are things that are unforgivable, things that are inconceivable, except that they happened.  I learned that
no one cares
whether or not you forgive them, or her, or him.  Forgiveness is a NON issue, actually.

Life moves on, with or without our sorrows or bitternesses.  It just moves on.  We go with it, unless we choose not to.  Should we choose the "absurd" path of going on with it, it still makes no difference whether or not we "forgive".

Forgiveness is for God, whatever your relationship is to God.  Our job is to reach through the minutes of our days and to be the best or kindest, or not. There is no choice but  to "fare forth".  The pain of abuse or insult rides with us.  It just does. It's where we go with it that makes us, breaks us, or takes us on our way.  We become our best idea of ourselves because we know the difference.  All learning is from analogy.  If someone hurts me, do I not bleed (etc.).  Do I not know how to BE in this world with kindnesses because I have known cruelty?  Of course I do.

I have known extraordinary kindness and love.  I have known these things when I have least deserved them.  I learned how to love from the amazing love which has been shown me.  I have known Gratitude and it is the Mantra of my life in my last act.

Deception, in whatever its form, cannot cut us, unless it matters so much we are willing to dwell in some mire of useless opinions.  What is important to me is contained in a really quite small circle.  "The rest is not my business."   T.S. Eliot.

It is irrelevant, this idea we have about "forgiveness".  It's arrogance in extremis.   If someone causes me pain I really cannot do anything about it except to remove the source of it.

I am, beyond belief sorry for the pain I have caused others.   All I can do is fall on my knees in gratitude that the next minute or hour has pushed me into the next minute or hour and if I hang onto God I will go into the next flowing parcel of time with wounds that are healing, with sores that, Thank God, show me the direction in which to go to find, again, a place of peace,
people who do love me and whom I love.  
I have lived to know many many Blessings and Gifts.  (If I had waited to feel "forgiven" I would still be mired in pain.  It is the gift of Acceptance, unconditional Acceptance which sustains me.)

Grace is not found in concepts like "forgiveness" but in the constant acts of love.

It is not my place to Judge.  God knows this.  He most surely does

If something can't go
on forever . . .
it won't .

It is wise to consider
the end before it actually comes upon you .

A hard knot must have a harder wedge