a bowl of black beans / your mother sitting on the other side of the kitchen / this liquidation of self / you would be something / anything / anyone / if it could make you safe / the black beans taste like nothing now / you aren’t crying but you’re **** near it / your mother makes a honey sweet remark / won’t you stay alive / and / eat your beans then we’ll leave / and you don’t have an answer but you listen / you are pleading with the voices to let you eat the beans and make them taste less like bleach / your mother bleached your hair when you were fourteen and you bleached your skin at sixteen / you drank that same bleach from that same bottle three days after your sixteenth birthday/ but this is a bowl of beans and it tastes like that time / smells like that time / your throat coughing up blood and your body wretching to *****.

a bowl of black beans / your mother takes that bowl and washes it out in the sink / you still have that hoarse voice from imagining it tastes like bleach / you still have that ***** wretch instinct because of how much your throat stings / then mother says; you’ll stay with them for some time / as if that makes anything better / a drive into the emptiness of a psychiatric hospital / a place they’d sent you when you were ten because you were so angry and so depressed / you break when the blue tiles turn to ocean and you drown / you break when the red tiles turn to fire and burn your toes / you are hungry again / but you know everything you eat will taste like bleach.

you can’t sleep because the bleach is still on your tongue / you think of that bowl of black beans / your mother sitting on the other side of the kitchen / maybe you’d see her smile again / maybe you’d be broken and be able to exist comfortably / don’t you want to survive to see that?

you answer / no / i’d rather die than be patronized.

One.
One year later and l have learnt that a light  house will survive everything and will never hold a grudge against the waves.
So let me lead you home.
Let me direct your path. Allow me to be your safety despite the destruction you have become my love.
Let me be something.

I was tripping..
I felt like I had lost my direction.
I felt lost,but my heart was still singing
I had my first taste of destruction.

I sat at Louis's, in pain.
I felt nothing, but the Novocaine
that was running in my veins.
I was not the same.

I was scared,I felt alone.
I was drowning in my own tears,
maybe because I was really on my own.

I cannot speak.
It is how I am now.
I was alone for such a long time,
that I learned to shut everyone out,
thinking that nobody would understand what I go through.
I've learned to wipe my own tears,
and that made me believe that I don't need anyone.
And so, I thought I could never be loved.
I have a lot of baggage .
But you loved me and I fell so hard.
You touched me and reminded me that I am not alone.
You promised to be by my side
and two years later you still are.
But I want you to understand .
I am still scared and maybe sometimes I will push you away.
I hope you understand that I am trying to build myself .
I will be happy, and I'll suddenly get sad.
I will cry, and I will never tell you why.
It's hard for me to place my burdens upon somebody else's shoulders.
I hope you understand

I am out at sea.
I am alone and I am lost.
I am scared and so my whole being starts to drown.
I see nothing but  darkness,  
as I start to fall deep into the ocean.

I hear his voice.
Wait! I hear my lovers voice,
but I can't see him.
He is pulling me out.
He is helping me fight this storm.
He tells me all will be well.

I make it, and my head is above water.
I am able to breath and move.
I smile, hoping to see him by my side, but he is not there.

I realise that my lovers words are my hope.

I am a woman.
I breath life into everything I touch.  
I am love and hope.
My body carries stories of heartache , pleasure and sweet nights with him.

I am happiness.
I am power.
I am the deep , blue ocean.
I am a woman.

Your heart is my ocean.
I want to dive in and drown in you.
Your love is by protection ,
precious, irrevocable, so true.
You are the missing chord to my melody,
the happiness in my tears,
the drug I can never leave,
the one who knows all my fears.
You are my strength , my determination
my sullen confidence
my deepest satisfaction
my happiness.
You are my love,
the gift from above.

My 6 strings mend broken reflections.
They chant sweet elegies,
with beautiful melodies
calling you to a better direction