I am growing faster than the grass
that covers our front lawn and somehow
I only need more affection.

I am often in tears after 4 pm.
I stay in my room wishing for things.

You might throw a question my way,
do not be offended when I stumble down
the dark hallway.

Do not be alarmed when I wear the same shirt for 3 days
and do not tell me I am beautiful.

Listen to me when I tell you I am not in the right body.
My whole life no one has believed me.

I only wanted to be perceived as worthless for three years,
I don’t know how you overcome that.

I don’t know how I’m still alive.
A lot of times I see myself as invincible.

How I wish I was not.
I get tired when the sun comes up,
and when it goes down.

I will die in less than ten years,
so all that I have strived for will be for nothing.
I will die in nine years and one month.

I know why my caged soul sings.
I’ve been digging my grave since birth.

I was born backwards,
racing towards something over the horizon.

I cry in the morning.
I hold myself a lot.

Some days I wake up blind.
Some days I want to carve my poetry into my veins.

I wish I was never born
and I wish you died in a fire.
I wish you never moved here from Chicago.

At 14 I cracked the veil and I went crazy.
I think there’s something wrong with me.

I think there’s something WRONG WITH ME.
I told you my secret
and you called me insane.

I wish you drowned in a bathtub as a child
I wish you had ugly eyes
I wish you got hit by a car
I wish I shot you in the head
I wish I shot you dead
I’m a sick girl
My head is coughing

My heart has a virus the doctors have no cure for
They stand over me with medicine
That I already know will not help me
I think there are worms in my intestines
I think my skin is rotting
My blood is turning to sewage

Do I smell yet?
I think I belong in a hospital

Why won't you tell me everything's ok
That all the struggle got pushed out of my way
Why won't you tell me the truth
I do not need your lies to sooth

Why can't everything be the same
Who is the one I have to blame
In this everlasting change
Why does it have to be outside my range

It is so hard to accept
The truth that we cannot adept
To all the changes happening in our life
To all the incidents catching us by surprise

Won't you tell me everything is ok
for I do know it will never be that way

Needles and syringes;
Heroine, my beautiful medication.
White robe, blue belt,
I was loving my profession of alcohol and drug indulgence.

Pipe ready,
my growing shadow, aided by the lighting from the burning flame below,
silently watching on;
“One hit and I will be perfect,” begs my ****** soul.

I have watched the moon every night.
Witnessed as she comes and goes.
Atimes, she is full and bright;
at others, she is nothing but a waning dull curve,
travelling leisurely across the sky;
Her face, a dire one,
filled with laughter and mockery
as she wonders what went wrong with me.
30 nights and 12months of 11years,
I too, an answer I have failed to find.

Last night, there was this darkness,
and all I can remember is the music that accompanied it.
Dark themed and suicidal,
Yet, it is the closest I have come to solitude in so many years.
Tonight I am back again, bent over my last dosage for the night.
“Dosage.” Indeed!
The moon is not in sight.
I wonder if my friend, if she is one,
Has forgotten about me tonight.
But there she is again.
Maybe she isn’t taunting me;
Maybe she is as confused as I am,
Or is she also lost?
Why can’t she seem to find her way home?
Oh the ramblings of a somber mind.

I am a man with a heart that offends
with its lowly and greedy demands.
Such a waste, your beautiful face.
How I have wasted my throes on your head!


So can we be friends or a tad bit more, sweetly,
Before this façade ends?
For I love you more than the world can contain
In its lonely and ramshackle head!


I’m holding my breath.
Nodding as my last minute counts down to one.
And when I am dead, come sit by my stonehead
My fossil shall rot happy in the sun!


What can be said of your heart?
Do my memories keep you awake?

A whiff of Frost on the greenish grass
As I step out into a cold October morning
The leafs have long been fallen
The air so pure and cold
It hurts my lungs as I walk along houses
Of strangers that I've never seen
The solitude gives me certainty
I let my mind wander
How I love the cold times of the year

You and your reckless abandon made me feel beautiful.
I felt like Christmas lights in October,
still shining bright, still hung.

And one day,
as you held me softly in your arms,
you told me you loved me.

I was the only real "family" you had left.
On account of your father chopping up your mother and all.

Told me you loved me,
the words I've always wanted to hear,
the words I have made my tongue bleed on,
the words I have broken my jaw with trying to keep
them from coming out.

You told me we will never get married.
Told me to get a boyfriend,
and when I shook my head and said I "don't like anyone" ,
you grabbed my hair in your fist and kissed me,
your wet tongue sliding into my warm mouth.

"Ah, little one. But you like me."

I see you like I would see my father,
you see me like a little sister,
like a young girl half your age you can protect,
can kiss on the head,
can hold close.

A girl you can **** from behind, your fingers in my mouth.
A 19 to your 38.

A girl you introduce as "I see her as a little sister"
while you have my scent on your thighs.
A girl you can never marry, but oh god, do you love her.

You told him, with 70 pounds of high grade marijuana on the table: "This is my little girl gone gangster.
I'm leaving for a while but she's holding down my game.
Treat her right and she'll do you the same."

And I will.

In truth, I love to love you and I live to love you.

And I'll take your ***** type of ****** love over not having you.

Training at the feet
of the experienced knights
so one day you
can be a hero
it should be simple
rescue the damsel
fight the dragon
and one day
you'll teach a squire
of your own
but it isn't like that
all your mentors
say different things
the damsel may not exist
and dragons are just
the most obvious threats.

I know that sunsets are the beginning of evening
I know that the night is some old romantic
I know the winter is the hardest for me
seeing all the life wither to a corpse
I know graveyards are just earthly beds
that burying bodies together makes it easier
for us to go through the afterlife instead of alone,
I know trumpets and saxophones still hold my heart
the warmth of their sounds melt away my fears,
I know that if I am to love I have to surrender
I know the boy in me is still struggling to become a man,
I know my heart is still heavy with you leaving
3 years now and counting, feels like the clocks stopped ticking
I know my mother is trying
I know my father is giving his best shot at remembrance
I know that there is still so much I’ve yet to learn
that everyday is to be made a lesson
I know I will continue to make amends
to build back the bridges i’ve burned
with all the timber left in my chest