The water was crystalline and cold
I danced with you in a crushing grip
and distant disconnection.
I held on to you—
in an illusory intimacy,
and deafening silence,
in the moments of fulfillment,
in the endless hours of isolation.
It was my first dance—
chosen with open eyes.
Youth tames wild rivers,
but the swirling depths take away
strength, naivety,
and wonder.
I persisted in stubbornness for years,
suspended between the worlds—
like a stone swallowed by a waterfall
at first, looking into an icy void
then into the warm sun,
convincing myself
I could heal something,
never having been whole.
Uncertain of what was
much closer to me—
my persistence
or my yearning
for what would never come to be.
Then the river tore me from the shore
carried me far away.
Did I ever have a choice?
The hardest thing
is to say goodbye to what
was never real.
This dance by the waterfall’s edge
will remain the only dance of my life.
I know I don’t want to be trapped
in the cold waters rushing toward
the abyss.