I apoligize for not reading your posts. I have been battling my depression and have not been online .  I have written a poem about it (of course lol).  I hope you enjoy and I hope to be online tomorrow.

My Dark Tale (A Sestina)

It is a lovely time of day for tea
As I sit curled up to the song of rain
Memories arise of a deep dark pain
Storm clouds gather within my heart, darkly
Dimly, I am aware of rainbow’s hope
Wanting dreams infused with Rosemary and Thyme

Out of work, I suffer from too much time
Overeating and drinking too much tea
Depression worsens, stealing all my hope
And all my dreams shatter in the cold rain
Leaving me empty in the bitter dark
As I stare out of the broken windowpane

How I long to conquer my bitter pain
If only I would organize my time
I know then, I would rise above the dark
Instead, I get caught in cookies and tea
And sink deeper; chaos supremely reigns
I flounder once again, losing my hope

I am tired of losing precious hope
Letting despair and worthless bitter pain
To take control and determinedly reign
Structure! Will that allow me to use time
Positively? Cutting back on black tea
Getting needed sleep to fight back the dark

Rested, I can push back the hated dark
Strive to capture peace and beautiful hope
Learning once again to enjoy my tea
And not as a crutch that causes me pain
While I mourn the loss of wasted sweet time
Instead, I would see rainbows in the rain

I yearn to topple depression’s long reign,
To walk in the sun’s light, not the cold dark
Eager to greet the day and enjoy time
Pursue my dreams, infusing life with hope
Do away with doldrums and bitter pain
Relaxing and enjoying Earl Gray Tea

Envoi

To sum up, I yearn to enjoy my tea
Overcome my darkness and pain; to feel hope
While I take time to enjoy the sweet rain

Kelly Rose
© January 5, 2017

A gathering girl
Walked through the garden of confusion,
Gathering blooms into her basket
Before they are lost And wilt into defusion,
Leaving behind Those that bare thorns,
For these are the ones
that greet you with horns.

Waves speak
to the shore
in rippled verse
scattered shell
strands of kelp

in the sand
each visitor
inscribes a story
sandpiper, wigeon, crow
raccoon, otter, coyote

I read each one
as I write my own

Some words are short and others are long,
Words for a poem and words for a song,
Words are my wisdom the power of the pen,
My words engrave thoughts and images
in the heads of other men,
words of tranquillity or word's of rage,
Let the word's that I write leap from the page,

Blessings whisper amongst our sorrow,
though kingdoms erode into corrupt golden,
and oceans bleed in shame.

in a rather expensive restaurant
6 people are seated at a table next to us
drunk and bored
fat and old.

"hey blondie," the blue haired thrice divorce widow asks jen,
"how's that hamburger taste?"
blue hair pops an oyster from its grey shell as manny laughs
but his sagging eyelids can't see daylight.

I light a cheap cigar and blow smoke their way.
someone coughs and I smile.

they plan funeral arrangements.
discuss burial vs cremation.
manny wants to be cremated
while blue hair wants to be buried.
they argue.

and when a waitress comes to pick up 6 empty shells
left on the white china plate
I turn to them and smile again.
they are envious
because
we are young.

later: much, much later
in the crack in the ceiling of time
seated at a table
i pluck an oyster
and leave an empty shell.

When the whispering demons of the morning come calling
When silly , robotic thespians deliver their scripted theatrics with slow motion , foggy angles of the world as rivers of window condensation and sorrow are falling                                                          ­                                                                 ­    Be watchful for songbirds are connected with the mill pond , see the dove at peace with bobwhite songs
Be assured that the wind , the rain and the hardwoods
share pain while celebrating the whim of a cold , methodical yet temporary Earth

The pen and my paper
my Lord and my Savior
Still all my days
remain so dark

Black blood , red ink
The thoughts on the brink
The sponge soaks up pain
Called my heart

The window and the glass
The curtain and the sash
There is no relief
On either side

I don't know how life became what it is
Sometimes it let's me go so down

I pound on the door
It won't open any more
The agony ending days
Remain unsealed

The blue of the sky
Just makes me want to cry
The emptiness of the void
scares me . . . to death

Volumes of paper
Each page my forsaker
My life is there
For all to see

when i put my trust in anything
be it your claims of innocence
or her claims of dissonance
all i ask is
whether it was worth it?

if i happen to be wrong
be it my stupid intelligence
or her perfunctory ignorance
all i ask is
was it worth it?

if my back is squarely up against the wall
and nothing makes any sense
besides the obvious pretense
all i ask is
what is it worth?

whatever you think it is
we can fix it in increments
like the poodle hole in the fence
all i ask is
do you think it's worth it?

i do, but
i wonder
wonder i do

I am back where I've been running from

A willow tree claws at the sky overhead
Its gnarled golden branches shedding delicate, black leaves
like the tears I have not, cannot cry

I watch a leaf spiral down in front of me
a mix of dread and euphoria climbing through my toes to the top of my head
the leaf dive bombs toward me
landing programmed-perfect on my wrist

A boy's voice comes from right behind my shoulder
Keep it
I startle, but he is holding onto me

He holds the leaf to my wrist
it is like
Needles, they draw the leaf's veins over top my own
Until all that is left is his brand on my raw skin

All yours now, sweetheart
His laugh a puncture wound to my heart

Something about the air between us changes though
He wraps his arms around me, and I didn't realize how empty I'd been before he had
You could stay he offers
Now in earnest, not messing with my head any longer

I taste your pain. It's only getting stronger he says
Let me help. I would make it easy for you.
My world is beautiful, nothing like the way your mortal eyes see it. he explains
It is music you can't describe, it is warmth, it is light. You will never need, never hurt for anything again here. I will pull you out of the darkness. I will heal your soul one final time. Just let me help you.

Death cups my chin and draws my eyes to his
And for once, there is no terror in falling to his abyss


bliss


I pull myself away
I can't I remind him gently
There is beauty in mortality too that I must see before I see your world. I know that I have love, a future to follow. Life comes at the cost of pain, but I have to accept that for all else it has to offer.
I'm sorry I cry for Death only, that I must turn him down

I close my eyes to shut out the pain
And suddenly he is gone
I am back in my bedroom
I realize then my escape
How lucky I am, that I must run faster...

But some part of me still begs to go back to him

I take my own needle
Trace the outline of his brand on my wrist
and for a moment, I feel his arms around me again

For a moment in life, Death lets me feel free