my body craves your touch
like i crave a bottle of scotch.

i know that your love is toxic,
but my body yearns to possess you until i see fit.

i know such thoughts lead to oblivion,
and i want to be healthy and whole.

on most days, i desire to be known fully as i am.
i desire for genuine connection,
and not mere obsession.

but somedays, the old crazy needy me comes out.
behind that dark figure lies a lonely boy desiring to be loved,
yearning to be held, and wanting to accepted as he is.

i embrace myself with all my heart,
all of me, the crazy me, the sad little boy,
and me just trying to grow and heal.

i desire to love and be loved.
i am loved.
i will someday be united
with the Beloved.  
Till then, happy trails.

mind frozen
  
                body tense

I keep telling myself that I care about spiritual growth

but **** it all to hell
        
                    i want to be close in the biblical sense

somewhere there's bumpin' and grindin' happening this very minute.

intimacy intimacy, i tell myself

feel my feelings

i've been numb to my ****** feelings

i get all this, but sometimes ****** thoughts and feeling hit me so hard.
                         i don't know what to do with them, they just mess up my head.

i want serenity.

        i want peace.

              i want some wisdom in all this.

i am not a monk.  
    i do not want to be celibate,
                                            but **** I don't want to be overwhelmed either.


For now I am embracing my *** crazed thoughts, but not acting on them.

                i am more than my thoughts and feelings.

                                                  i am.

nobody croons like marvin gaye.
no other black man's voice eases
my soul like that man.in need of
some ****** healin.'  

everyone needs some lovin,' even
on made up holidays. i want to go
back to the days of pagan rituals
of celebrating life and fertility.

sow your wild oats my man.  sing
your song and shake what your
momma gave you.  we all need
some healing touch, especially
those fools who got no soul.

compulsion erupts into desire
molded into empty shame.  
****** desire gone awry,
when all i wanted was
not to feel alone.

                                                         ­                         desire burst into a full on
                                                              ­                    obsession, and the loneliness
                                                      ­                            i tried to fill only gets bigger and
                                                             ­                     bigger.  
                    
                                  A life built on lies only lead to
                                  more shame and guilt.  
                                  It wasn't until I desired to try
                                  something different that I became
                                  free of compulsion.

I  am free.

Alive to live my life,
Moment to moment.

Free to
Run into
Eternity with
Ease and peace.

.                             bodies                                   more
                                colliding                       ­       than an
                                        gently in                            emotion
                           ­              infinite                             tied to physical
                                       space and time                connection,
                                 ­          unfolding into                and yet found
                                        each other                         in carnal lust.
                                     and becoming                  a language spoken
                                            one.                ­           in silence.

You have been with me from the start soft
Hard, never bothered which one you were
When I was young at heart.

I used to pull you my second brain, little soft
Then long and hard,as I grew, you grew with  
Me a friend that never left. Only in the cold I
Wondered where you are.

The years did pass and hair you grew, where
Once I had pulled, now you just went hard.
Embarrassed I was as always hard around
The girls, some laughed while others played
With it spitting at them when excitedly hard.

Age moved on my friend for life still with me
Still getting hard but when I wanted you no
More embarrassment on my face at random hard.

My second brain, getting wasted each day, never
Unclean as cheesy smell I do not want as girls would
Run a far.

We played in the wetness we have come so far letting
The children out in the damp park. My wife screamed
Harder deeper my god your big I love your hardness
Up me and the children were excited out of the umbrella
They went a bit to far.

You have been with me through the soft and the
Hard, got me in trouble, now three children later
I must end your spitting but you can still go hard.

***** your my friend to the end when we had no
One a palm and a video was are night in, then softly
You went as to sleep in my palm, from the beginning
Through the soft and the hard.

When guys ask what I like
(in bed)
I say, rough.
And they usually smile or high five
(i got a high five yesterday)
They don't know that I want
them to
claw my back until
it bleeds
(oh baby, more)
I want my wrists pinned down
(mark them as a souvenir)
Bite my lips
my neck
my body
(i do it, but it's so much better from you)
For some
reason
it hurts
so badly when I ****
(but you shove it anyways and i silently say thanks)
Physical pain is so much better
(yeah, i like it rough)

Fossils in the mouth
of heaven
They claw their way out.
Leaping from the ledge
Halos around their neck.
Their remains hang
but their screams descend.

heart pounds like crashing thunder
at the mere thought of the idea
blood burns hot
and time stretches through space
our eyes meet...again
and steam fills the air
a quick lean without a flinch
and electricity breathes life
into a wink and a nod
and the nerves rise
a smile, and blood rushes to the surface
hands gracefully glide over flesh
chain reactions need no words
a gasp and a sigh
attest unspoken passion
lips meet and sparks fly
as breath is stolen, so is a kiss
then so is one more
dancing tongues and fireworks
synergy and floods
blood drains to fill
and fills to feel
the heat rises
taking with it the knowledge
that tomorrow is when "never" comes

We sat together in your bedroom
Watching lesbian ****
You salivated at the grotesque display
Of the spread channel from which you were born

You once told me you were disgusted
By the male physique
You showered with your eyes closed
Or risked gagging over the bathroom sink

Among the girls you were popular
They stared at you to pass their day
Your mind was filled with their numbers
My mind filled with words I couldn't say

Senior prom snuck up on us
But you found a beautiful date, indeed
I asked an ugly girl to accompany me
And out of pity she agreed

We danced in the converted gym
Under a gaudy mirrored ball
I was stuck between you and her
With my back up against the wall

Afterwards we went to your house
Your parents were away
And their unlocked liquor cabinet
Only heightened our desire to play

Our dates removed their prom gowns
Then helped us get undressed
We drank till we couldn't stand
And fell to the floor in a heap of flesh

I finally saw you naked
A beauty my eyes could hardly see
You were a God among mere mortals
And even lesser men like me

My date's eyes were filled with lust
And I smelled the alcohol on her breath
I performed the perfunctory motions
And sank into her depths

As your date's head bobbed under the blanket
Your moans of pleasure steadily increased
I was energized by your proximity
Which was the sole reason for my release

We left our dates to sleep
Within their sated bliss
Already you wanted another girl
You could ***** and then dismiss

In the kitchen we finished the bottle
And talked of our recent conquests
Together we shared crude jokes
Made at the expense of the opposite ***

An awkward pause followed
And you gazed into my eyes
I felt the alcohol take effect
And placed my hand upon your thigh

Your mouth then met mine
And our tongues were lost within
Your hands trembled as they explored my chest
You didn't know where to begin

In a mirror you caught your reflection
And fell from my embrace
You said I was disgusting
And spit right in my face

In anger you pushed me away
Asking for forgiveness I dropped to my knees
You said that soon everyone would know about me
Because in this town gossip spread just like disease

At home it hit the hardest
I was my mother's boy no more
My father called me a disgrace
And kicked me out the door

Rejected by friends and family
I have no reason to stay
I'll buy a ticket to another town
Somewhere I can keep my memories at bay

I'll rent out an apartment
And decorate my pastel painted walls
I’ll furnish my new life with a phone
That I know you'll never call

I'll find myself a new group of friends
Someone who understands
The exquisite pain of being
Of falling in love with an ignorant man

I wish that my dreams
Weren't haunted by your face
I wish that I could fall asleep
Without clutching a pillow in your place

I'll listen to bitter love songs
Because on pain I can rely
I'll learn to hide my emotions
And laugh when I really want to cry