Fixated, restricted,
My eyes cannot move.
They cannot blink;
The pupils dilate.
My neck is rolling backwards
While my mouth opens, simply gaping,
At the ceiling.

Seeing past my pettiness,
I can realize true friendship.
Now that I am able to step back
From the burning itch to satisfy
All of my selfish desires,
I can approach you, selflessly,
Not as a hidden enemy.
I am so proud of what we have;
It is not the bond between lovers.
It is the common understanding between us,
The care and compassion,
With no need for physical compensation.
A beautiful, often underestimated kind of union.

I touch the sky
Trace the stars with my fingers
Wonder why am I alive
As I drift like the icy snow
From the clouds to the ground
Blowing over everything
Blowing you off
When you say I will be okay,
That it will be alright.

Dried tears
Numbed eyes
Here is my perfect world
Watch it as it falls
All around me
I no longer feel the pain
I just feel bliss

I'd like you to step aside, for once.
Though you've been steady, reliable, consistent,
More so than any person in my life,
I have to ask you to leave my side.
You are the band-aid conveniently covering a deeply carved wound,
Which will never fully heal while you stick to it,
Protecting it with all your might,
Even when it needs to breathe, when it needs fresh air.
The wound is, and will always be, here...
Unless you go away and never come near.

Please, let's defy nature
Let's be stronger than our urges
Let's give it a thought before we pursue
And despite all of those things we're expected to do
Let's just be ourselves and let others be too.

I am not alive;
There is death in my eyes.
There is no meaning in each step.
There is no soul in my breath.

She breathes underneath my skin
Cannot hide her, she screams from within
Her ugliness radiates throughout me
She lacks all morals, all dignity
Crawling on top of you, covered in poison
She burns you alive with her acidity
With her jaded touch
I cannot love her, I resent her too much.

Sometimes I just want to scream
Assuring myself it's all a bad dream
Lying to myself so it won't seem
As hopeless.

I'm stuck in this gray place,
Just trying to get by everyday.
Why did I ever settle for this way
Of life?

I'd like to write a poem
To explain
Why I don't trust you
But I can't because
There are no words
For the fear, and the terror,
That I felt
As a young girl,
With no help,
Abused and deceived,
Forever changed
By all of those things
That I could not control.

Crack a smile for me, won't you?
It's really no big deal, just forget about how you feel.
You can make it through the day,
If you wave your emotions away.
Take your heart from the driver's seat
And replace it with your brain.
Let logic and reason save you from your pain.
Let cold apathy just seep into your veins.
Feel the stress and the tension starting to drain.
It's so much easier when you do it this way.
So, why do you refuse to do it every day?

Consistency often preserves our sanity
And a little bit of diversion
Can be devastating.

All of these changes,
Making my head spin and spin,
Again and again.
I never thought I would still be here.
I thought I would be with him.
We had planned so much together,
Made so many promises to one another.

Then a part of me, it spoke so clearly.
It said, "Trust my words for I love you dearly."
"You can't let your fears keep you in the past.
You know this was never the type of love that could last.
You're no longer a child; you have to grow up now - fast."
And as I listened, I decided I would sabotage it -
Yes, I would corrupt my whole relationship.
I would just cut it up into little bits.
When I found a way, that's exactly what I did.
As I watched the pieces fall, I saw a new part of myself rise.
I felt ten years of pain and suffering start to subside.

Are you the one
Or not?
Because I only have so much time,
Only have one life,
And I don't want to waste it.

He sees with one eye
A single, solitary vision
Of an evil person
His black and white picture
Cannot be any clearer.

Different is not always better
But it can be more challenging
And it can be disheartening
When people don't appreciate
Your uniqueness.

I'm over here.

                                                       Over where?
Can't you see me?


                                                      I can't see.
Can't you feel me?

                                                     I feel nothing.
I am God.





                                            I am my own God.






                                      ...and I don't need you.

Her appetite is endless,
As she eats your insides, licking her fingers,
Smiling cooly, calmly,
A nightmare forever committed to your mind.

I built this beautiful castle of lies
All around me
Searching for some truth,
And finding nothing.

Look, you can see the future in her eyes.
She can't help but plan and prioritize.
She always thinks seven days ahead, every week.
She can't live in the moment;
Her life is bleak.

Meet me there, down in the meadow
Where the hyacinths are a lovely light purple
Where the color of the birds ranges from blue to yellow
And other sweet creatures aren't too shy to say 'hello.'

There's a couple of trees there that I liked to climb
Before I was afraid of heights and fears filled my mind
I was independent; I just lived my life
Why can't I return to that simpler time?

When a chill goes up and down my spine
When I finally realize that you're mine
I should be grateful, happy, should feel fine
But I find myself walking such a fine line.

I feel so alive today.
By tomorrow I'll feel dead.
And yes, I know it's all in my head
All imaginary, you said.

Passing by,
I can feel your eyes,
As I put on a blank face -
It is my disguise.
I do not want you to see
What you do to me,
Feeling my heart skip yet another beat.
Tall, handsome, and mysterious.
Yes, those are the perfect ingredients.
That is all it takes; I am drawn to you.
I am hooked on your mystery,
Stuck like glue.

Her self-worth is so fragile in your hands.
You could crush it anytime, like a velvety butterfly wing.
She stares up at you, powerless,
Dreading your next move...
It's all up to you.

It's 2 AM, and this is the time
That I have to accept
Beautiful people
They die sometimes
For no good reason
Other than a poor, sad excuse
That no one could help them.

It's hollow, mechanical,
Begging for some kind of miracle
To bring it to life
Before its repetitive, monotonous motions
Bring death to what we have,
To everything we're creating.

Sometimes I open a book
Get lost in the pages, in a safe dream
Sometimes I imagine a world
Where everything is purple and beautiful
My imagination is limitless, fearless
As clumsy reality makes a new mess.

My heart's growing colder everyday.
I can feel it, when I look the other way,
Ignoring everyone who tries to catch my eye.
I can hear it, when you ask for help,
And I tell you in not so many words,
That it's not my problem.
I can see it, when you notice my vacant expression,
And you turn away, hoping I won't infect you
With this ever-present emptiness.

He's crafted from butterfly wings, so soft and delicate,
A vibrant display of blues, oranges, and golds.
While I gaze upon his beauty with a kind of humble admiration,
I can't help but wonder if I could, oh so slyly,
Yet violently,
Rip the colorful bits and pieces off
And assemble, however I'd like,
A collage of my own, a selfish project,
Another step closer to the finished product.

Trust me, it is my last resort.
I would rather paint a picture,
Write a song,
Find a place where I feel I belong.
It is not the first thing on my mind,
But I just can't seem to leave it behind.

Dear love,
Although your truth is hard to swallow,
I cannot live without you.
You are ******* the outside
Yet forever solid in your foundation.
You quickly flood my veins and nerves
With the kind of power no one else possesses.
Tomorrow when I see the doctor,
You know I have to ask for you.
You know I have to feel you trickle down my throat
And find your way into my damaged mind.

It's pointless for me to worry about you,
But somehow, in some way, I do.
I should know by now your heart is ice,
And the best you can do is pretend to be nice.

Ah the snowflake
Shiver and shake
Quietly as an earthquake
As it falls on my tongue
The cold makes me numb
As the white envelopes my black,
Is there no turning back?
The snowflake is a savior
A product of our nature
It dances with my despair
It weaves hope into my hair
Yet with every passing year
The hope seems to disappear
The smiles begin to fade
The dullness won't go away
Snowflake, you have pacified me.
Falsely, I believed I was safe.
So I must say goodbye forever
Can no longer be tethered
To your touch.

Art is not always meant to be understood
But it can always be appreciated
By those who see it as a form of expression
And not mere analysis.

Outside of work I am restless
At work it is the same way
What do I want?
What do I expect?
And what kind of change
Will put me to rest?

I will mock your vulnerability,
Trample it mercilessly
Because it seems so fake,
And if not, it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Hey, you there,
I'm thinking of you.
We may not know each other well
And you may feel invisible,
But I am thinking of you.
Maybe it's because I'm an artist,
Because I'm sensitive,
And I think about all kinds of things
Like you.
Maybe it's because I'm curious, or bored,
Or just a little too involved.
Still,
Isn't it even just a little comforting
To know
That someone is thinking of you?

I reach out to nothing,
Expecting something,
Something deep and beautiful,
Complex, hard to follow.

I reach out to nothing,
With a broken hand, weakened heart, and shattered soul,
Picking up the pieces as I go.

I reach out to nothing,
While it never reaches back.
Yet I keep on reaching.
I am hopeless like that.

I'm getting lost in you
So lost
That I've daydreamed of the next time
We can see each other
So lost
That I cannot imagine anything better
Than cuddling up together.
I am so lost
That I have forgotten the things
That make me happy
Aside from your smile
And your beauty.

I look into the mirror
Determined to say,
'I'm beautiful, I'm perfect today.'
Then I see the somewhat misshapen nose
The lines underneath my eyes
A brand new pimple on my cheek
Ears that stick out
And all I can think
Is that I will never be beautiful.

He's only as genuine as he seems.
For the only time you can catch him in a lie
Is the time that you have real proof, not intuition.
Though we all know our senses extend far beyond the short story our two eyes tell.
The question is, which sense can you trust?

Warm blankets envelope me.
A hot cup of chamomile rests dutifully by my side.
The sound of fake rain drops emanates mechanically from my phone.
And there I am, trying to block it all out.
Trying to forget what you did.
Even though it haunts me, crushes my relationships,
Erases my self-esteem,
And wriggles its way into every good dream.

As I bury myself underneath your skin,
All of the icy hesitation
Melts away as I am no longer me.
I can live, I am loved, I am free.

No more of this *******.
Just deal with it.
Look people in the eye;
Look at them when you speak.
When people make you angry,
Don't simply swallow it down
Like a poison that slowly kills you.
Tell them.
Tell them they ****** you off,
That they crossed a line
They shouldn't have crossed.

If I just vanished
Into air
No one would blink
Or breathe a little less steady
Or even ask
Where I went.

You know I'd never break your heart;
I love you too much.
Sometimes I can be difficult.
Sometimes I will make you feel
Like you need to be some kind of superhero.
But in reality, I appreciate you
For who you are, and that alone.

Five days
My brain's in a haze
I wake up whenever
I go to sleep later than ever
Same routine, same boring routine,
Sometimes I think I'll wake up
From this painful dream.
Everything seems the same,
Even though it's all changed.
All my priorities have been re-arranged.
I am the only one who can take care of myself now.
The only problem is I don't know how.

Oh the ungrateful...
The lack of perspective,
Commitment to complaining,
Lack of compassion,
Allergic to compromise,
Unaware of their fortune,
Shining in a self-crafted crown.