to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.*

I wasn't hopeful. I was stupid. But they are the same thing.

To hope isn't a good thing. It is stupid. It is only setting yourself up for disappointment.

To hope isn't to look forward to something. It's stupid. It's to be let down when that 'something' falls through.

And I was hopeful. I was stupid. I am disappointed.

Now I want to find out yours.

I want to know the story behind every cut and scar, as I kiss your forearms.

I want to know what you love, as I trace my finger tips over every part of your body.

I want to hear your secrets murmured just for me, with my lips pressed to your neck.

I want to find out your dreams, while I send you to sleep.

I want to make you never want to die, as I hug you for the first time.

I've told you mine, now will you share yours with me...

I want your fingers to kiss my skin, like a pianists kiss the keys

I want your lips to explore mine like music explores the air

I want your body to press against mine like the musicians foot against the pedal

I want us to work together like string and damper

I want to feel your presence like a song stuck on my head

I want to be your everything like music is so me.

Second choice
Backup plan
*******
When all else fails

They are all the same thing.
They are all Me.

I want the last thing I see to be the thick, dark, liquid life that is my blood, being pumped out of my body as I stumble into isolation to die.

I want to feel the quick, sharp, searing pain of the cut, before it escalates onto the buzz, as I drag the blade as swiftly up my wrist as a bird of prey catches its food.

I want my vision to blur, and my head to pound as the lack of blood in my body attempts to keep me alive, as I walk away from everything.

I want to feel the tears slipping down my cheeks to join with the blood pooling, the perfect coushining for my death bed.

I want to attempt to croak out one last apology as I crumple on the floor, to have my final minutes in pain.

I want to be conscious until the life is finally freed from captivity in my body, not passed out in a pathetic attempt to save myself.

I want to rip my skin apart and destroy my cage as my breath escapes to fly with the birds as my being slips away forever.

I want to be reduced to dust and set free
Finally free of the boundaries life and mortality placed on me.

I can see them in my mind.
I can see the picture of these hideous creatures standing in my room.
They're all smiling at me.
They're as dark as the room around me
Lacking the same amount of light as my soul.
They are friendly.
They are the only ones actually here.
Everyone else has got their own lives to deal with.
But these guys?
Their lives are centered around me.
But the way I imagine they look must har stemmed from somewhere, right?
The image I have of them came from the way try act.
I picture them as clawed beings with razor fingers that kiss every part of me
Leaving scars and reminders of our relationship.
I see them as cloaked figures
With long looped rope clothing them
The nooses that they wrap around me to comfort me.
I see them as thoughtful creatures
The ones who plant that seed in my mind of cut cut cut
**** **** ****.
see these creatures smiling
As everyone will be when I am dead.
These creatures call me to them
At night
When they blend in
And won't be judged by others.
These creatures are my friends because I am just as ugly as them
And have done everything they have done to me.

The numbness gave way to pain
Leaving me wanting to hurt myself again.

Engulfed by the darkness
Or lack of life
My shadow has deserted me
And my demons have gifted me with a knife.

I don't want to cut
Or obey
I don't want to hurt
Or do what they say

They want me to burn
And cry
And break down
Leaving the pieces- a million and one

I don't want to leave the people I love
Or sacrifice the oppertunity to rise above
I don't want to die tonight
But they want me to.

I'm out numbered
By more-than-I-can-count to one.
And there are enough of them to block out the sun
And destroy my light.

They come bearing gifts
Of thoughts and feelings
The ones I cast aside
Along with t demons

But they raised hell
And brought an army
They're here to ruin me
And **** me

They sent my shadow away
And none of my friends are here to stay.
They've come to unleash their wrath
And keep the numbness at bay

My demons are here to choke the happiness out of me
Starve me of optimism
Bleed me dry of happiness
And drown me in sorrow

They're here to make up for lost time
They won't waste a moment
They're moving in for the ****
And I'll die without my motivation or will