Is my desire to feel free,
To let go

To lie down in the clear blue sea
Staring at the vastness of the ocean
Supported by the water as it moves me along the current
Soaking in the sun and hearing the wind clash with the water
Opposing forces that are keeping me adrift

I close my eyes
And remember our time together, which never would have felt like enough
And for a moment I forget where I am
And in that instant, the water swallows me whole
I collapse into it as it floods me with betrayal

And I start to feel angry
This doesn’t feel like freedom, this feels like a trap
So I don’t let go
I drown that pit of anxiety in my stomach
Surging through my bones, my heart, and my eyes,
Awakening me just as the time shifts
And as I see the glimmer of light outside my window I am reminded

You exist still — within me
It is your unconditionality that can heal me, even if only temporarily  
And as I stare out at the ocean I will think of you—
As you always did of me—
The only one who listened to my desires