I was lying in bed all wrapped up in my favorite fuzzy red blanket remember fond memories of C and I. Sometimes as a lie within my red fuzzy cocoon of comfort I feel as if my bed is an extension of myself. It is hard to tell where I begin and it ends.
It’s tiring being so painfully aware of how single I am. I don’t want to be this girl I’m becoming. The girl that doesn’t exist unless she’s somebody’s girlfriend. I want to exist apart from someone.

"Who should I call in the event of an emergency?"

I'll scroll through my phone and pretend there is someone that could come running to my rescue.

"This is what you wanted God. Right?"

I've overstayed my welcome in every home I've lived in.
I've driven away all those I love into the hands of sleep.
An excuse to escape me.
And I'm letting go.
I'm giving in.

"Can I come over? I don't want to be alone tonight."

People don't like things they don't understand.

****** martyrs
Tipsy tastes
Lavender coated lashes
And wordless betrayals.

I wasn't aloud to  like myself.
Without permission.
                         "Do I feel pretty today?"
"No."
                          "Am I happy today?"
"No."
                           "You're hurting me."
"Some call it love."

My fears seem legitimate in the expanse of my mind
But I'm so preoccupied by their irrationality that I forget to fear rational things
Like aimless wandering
And death.

Waiting at the airport.
But i was waiting long before that
For him to show up
For him.
To show me something
That thing
To remind me
That we're in love.

Waiting.
He is late.
Waits.
He's not coming.
Waiter.
He is busy.

He arrives
But I am gone.

I shouted "I love you" inside the walls of my mind.
(Did you hear it?)
I pressed the words outward into the universe.
(Did you feel it?)
I pushed them through your nerve endings
and looped them through your blood vessels.

I thought about lying with my head in your lap.
I projected this image behind your eyes.
I painted still frames on the palms of your hands
and let you streak your clothes with memories.

I want to get naked with you always.
I want to be your *******.
I want your kisses in the night
when my legs feel heavy and I can't get to sleep.
I want your thousand mile wide smile
edging me deeper into euphoria.

I wanted to make love
Because love is something you make?

No,
But I wanted to
With you.

**** anyone that presumes to know how
I feel.
You *******.
You ****.
Smiling eyes. Bleeding tongue.

Blah blah blah -
Are you okay now?
You're okay, right?

How are things
How are you
Small talk
Small words,
And quick *****.

Because someone has to do it.

Send in the hounds
a brigade just escaped from the pound
to tear me to pieces with their incisors
And use their claws to wear me down
To an unrecognizable pink pulp
Of inadequacy and hurt feelings.

Because words won't **** me
Nor make me any stronger.
So have your will
Have your way
And I'll wait for your permission,
Until you say it's okay
For me to be sad
Happy
Laconic
Mad.

On your mark
Get ready
Get set...

It's funny how things work out.
Even funnier how they don't.

I thought I understood it until the ink bled together into one unintelligible run-on sentence.
It made sense until it didn't.
I thought I could keep up
Or fall behind if that's what you needed of me.
No one told me second place meant losing and losing meant mascara streaked shirt collars.
When people ask why you eyes are red
Just say you're tired.
And they will pretend to believe you
Because they don't want the burden of your tears.

Drag your fingers
Along my arteries.
Dance along my spine.
Touch my nose
With the tip of your tongue.
Kisses on my elbows.

Big metal boxes
Silly people drive around in.
They make your body stutter
With acidic anxiety.

I want to fix you
Not cause you're broken.
I'm scared I can't save you
From the things your mind does.

but I'd lick the inside of you as readily as I lick the outside skin
If only to demonstrate my adoration
For the broken soul just within.

He said: "Life is like a balance beam."
We were at the park.
I was in one of my "moods".
He wanted to cheer me up;
Make me smile at least.

I said: "I'm stuck in my head."
He said: "Hop on."
So I did.
He jumped.
The balance beam bounced.
I struggled to remain balanced.
He calls out life obstacles
For each jump:
"Your car broke down."
"You lost your job."
"Exams are coming up."

Bounce.
Weeble.
Wobble.

I fall.
I'm not dead.
I laugh.
Everything is okay.
I'm okay.

He said: "I got you to smile."

I never want to be you.
You're so miserable.
And I promised myself I wouldn't vent here
But then you said those things.

You push everyone away.
That's why you're alone.
You want everyone to be as miserable
as you are.

I still resent the fact
you never taught me how to ride a bike
or swim.

Maybe if you avoid things long enough
they'll disappear.
Like me.

Sometimes I wish you didn't
Love me.
It feels like I trapped you.
Like you'd choose to stay with me
And stay miserable.
You think I'm the best
You can do.
That shows how much you know.
You were overcharged
For the limited services I provide.
Return me and get your money back.
Then invest it in someone
Without tears and cracks.

To hear him speak is bliss,
To feel his touch is ecstasy,
To see his smile is heaven,
To smell him is a pleasure,
To taste him is a sin.

Trying too hard.
That's why your legs are covered in bruises.
Smiling too wide
That's why he doesn't want you.
Crying too often.
That's why you're so good at making people laugh.

he played with me
like I wasn't this delicate
beautiful thing;
because he knew I didn't want to be.

people take caution around beauty,
people fear this intangible thing.
they have it
or they want it
but it's not to be understood.

your steps are lighter
when you can't breathe.

and beauty brings forth
great suffering.

I want to use somebody
Like an object.
Their lips
At my disposal.
Their words
At my command.
Their heart
As I so desire.
I want to use up their love
So I can replenish mine.

I like him for his smile
and the way it has a way of traveling throughout his whole body.
And his eyes
like two hypnotic mood rings
that glisten with unspoken promises.

Maybe it's the way
he laughs
and I feel as though my heart is pinched
between his thumb and forefinger.

Maybe I love all the bits of you.
*Even the ones you didn't think I knew.

“I’m nervous,” I say because I am.
“Me too.”
“We should just do it.”
“Wait,” you say, holding up a finger as you stare at your watch.
“For what?” I ask, not sure whether to take your response as an acceptance or refusal.
A moment later you point at the face of your watch.
12:00
“Midnight,” you say.

Listen close baby,
perfect things bleed too.

Kiss me against the lockers
or behind the bike racks if you'd rather.

I'll hike up my skirt so you can give me pleasure.
One hand for inducing my moans
the other hand to silence them.

Translating the movements of your body
and replying with movements of my own.

Something wasted,
Something ruined,
Something rubbed raw.

Goodbye to goodbyes.
They always turn sour.
Like your fingers after you've touched me.

**** on this.
**** on me.
**** it up baby,
Stop scraping your knees for my sympathy.

the thing about writing is
what you write can be true
but that doesn't mean it's right.

This year I won't bash Valentine's.
Not even when I check my Facebook
and see that whogivesashit just got engaged.

I won't make gagging noises
when I see couples engaging in acts of PDA.

This year I won't be a cynic
because I too have a Valentine.

chug.chug.chug.
chug to remember.
chug to forget.
chug it when in need of company.
chug it because no one is around.
chug to disappear.
chug it cause you're bored
in order to make things interesting.
chug when it seems like everyone
is having more fun than you.
Chug to feel warm.
Chug to make it better.
chug because it tastes good.
chug it because it doesn't.
chug it to speed up time
or slow it down.
chug.chug.chug.
don't let it rest on your tongue.

My boyfriend is vanishing
Right before my very eyes.

I can reach right through him.
He's as hollow as his i love yous.

It's not his fault,
He's in a new place.
He can't help it,
The nobodies are more interesting than me.
Don't be bitter,
But I tell myself: "they couldn't **** a **** like me."
I tell myself: "forgive him"
And then, more quietly: "let go."

I cried and cried
and all I wanted was you.

I said your name out loud.
Once.
Twice.

I wanted your voice
your words.
Needed them even.

I promise not to cry
if you promise not to leave.

Let me tell you about this boy I love.
His name is common, but I've never met anyone like him.

He's got mood-ring eyes
and an open-mouthed smiled.

He lives far away
but I've never felt closer to another person.

We're not exactly the same people we were as when we began.
and that's not a bad thing.
In fact, it's quite good.
Because that means we've grown
and he hasn't gone away.

It means he's the one that's going to stay.

Even though I seemed fine.
You were supposed to hear it in my voice.
I thought you would sense it.
But you didn't answer the phone.
You were too busy to talk.
You wanted to sleep.

I could be reckless.
That would get your attention.
I could be foolish.
And get sent to detention.

But I will keep plucking
From my bag of generic responses.
I will keep adding
To my list of excuses.

You've always got that face on.
Always the victim.
Always bored.
You always say always.
I'm always late.
Always busy.
Always waking up early.
I always say sorry.
We always snark.
We always swoon.
We always fantasize
About a day in the future
When we're never not together.

You can't fix what's not broken.
What never was.
You can't keep silent the voices in your head.
Because I hear them too.
Violent whispers of remorse painted blue.
We can't be the antidote.
We're too busy talking over each other.
Too busy talking about our relationship
To actually have one.

Nobody told me.
I didn't know.

for a moment I touched the face
of something worthy of every ounce
of love I could muster.

but the tides change
and I never learned how to swim.

I'm leaning up against you because I have no backbone.
I have no morals.

I'm okay with not knowing who I am.

Actions speak louder than words.
Actions hurt more too.
They leave bruises
And scabs.

My scabs don't heal
Because I never stop picking them.
Maybe that's why I stopped going to church.

I want forgiveness
But I don't deserve it.
So would I believe it was real
If I were to received it?

Or would I unintentionally sabotage
Your mercy,
Just to punish myself?

Would I spend the rest of my life
Trying to make up for my mistakes
In vain?

But I'm not Jesus.
So what do I expect my punishment to fix?
I don't save people.
I don't have a plan.
I don't provide a peace that surpasses understanding.

If I were Jesus, I'd give you your own constellation.
I'd give you the comfort you need.
I'd save you from me.

Words can't fix my misdeeds.
So I'll stop talking
And show you what I mean.
I'll be a better me.
I'd like if you stick around and see.

Slipping away
Or never really mine in the first place.
I can make plans.
I could.

Look at this!
Watch me flail for attention
With the grace of a beached whale!

More free time,
But it'll cost me.
And I've got no limbs left to spare.

My innards become outtards
As you twist my flesh between greedy fingers.
I'm a distraction.

I'm always here
When your plans fall through.
Our plans always fall through
When you come across something better.

I know we can mesh,
But at the moment all I feel is distress.
I want my boyfriend.
I miss the infinite bliss.

My obsession is singular
By my love is plural.

1
Inward: humor, wit, intelligence, kindness, patience, affection.

2
Outward: teeth, lips, finger tips, eyes, hair, tummy.

You are every kind of perfection.
Even in the flaws you claim to have.
All my adoration
Especially when you're feeling sad.

Reject before rejected.
Eject like a vhs.
Perplexed
By the direction things have gone.

Forget before forgotten.
Bought some time.
Stopped
Checking watches so I didn't feel so blue.

The thing about love
is that every time it seems more real than the last.

This person won't hurt me.
*The third time's the charm.

I used to be pretty. My skin once pitted deep around my collarbones as if my skin were being pulled so taut, the bone nearly burst through it.
He said: “I’m not going to pretend there aren’t times when I won’t go down on you for the sheer fact that I fear being smothered by the cellulite of your thighs.”
He said if I wanted to be told I was pretty I should be with a man that says yes more than he says no.
He said: “I’m not for the weak of heart.”
But he overlooked the fact that it’s my ego that’s weak.
So I punch at my thighs until I’m certain they’ll bruise. And when I wake up in the morning with legs blotched purple - I will remember what stands in my way of reaching the realm of perfection.
He said: “Love means I don’t have to be careful with my words. Means I don’t have to withhold what I want to say.”

And I believed him.

countback from three
two
one.

when I get to zero
time stops
and resets.

one
two
three means it's okay.
everything.
it's okay
it's okay
it's okay.

And what isn't, will be.
Eventually.

Empty stomach.
Blurred vision.

The uncertainty will be the death of me.
(Should I start my mourning now?)

So take some pills
And pass the time
In a land of dreams.
Sublime.

The punishment of waiting in limbo.
(Afraid to hope for the best.)

Time to think.
To make up your mind.
One more drink
And you'll be fine.

I've burned through the trust I've earned.
(So I'll give you the power to break me.)

Baby he don't want you
Baby he don't love you.
Take a look
Take a listen,
Take back all the things you've entrusted.
Don't let his dance fool you
Don't be mesmerized
By his shady kisses
And his shadowy eyes.
He's not an enigma
But he'll be your demise.

The worst thing about people is our capacity to disappoint.

This is the void they speak of.
This is the abyss.

I'm a destructive mass of passions
and I will never fall in love the same way twice.
the first two were easy
but the third was my vice.

he left me
while he loved me
and I swore I left my body.

the ocean never seemed so vast.

I need a remedy for my dependency.
It's killing me slowly.

indulge me for a moment and pretend I'm interesting.