tell me a secret my summersoft beauty
can you tell the difference between something good and something bad?
when you're needing to be needed
look up and the moon
and promise to return to me one day.
very soon.

let me tell you about something I learned through my travels,
regardless of the fact that i've only ever stayed in one place.
play with the same toy enough,
and if you're not careful - you'll break it.

How do you say you feel hollow
Without sounding pretentious?

"Fine. I feel fine."

I don't want to be alone,
because then I'm forced to deal with myself.

And being alone with myself and my thoughts,
that is one of my least favorite past times.

I can't endure the silence when I am alone.
Music is constantly buzzing
So I can't think

When I get thinking, I get stuck in my mind,
Like a crab in a castnet.


I'd enjoy my loneliness if it was with anyone else but me.

I need to make an appointment.
Pencil me in at your first availability.
Then you can talk to me.
Maybe then you'll tell me what's in your head.
As for now,
I'm feeling lonely.
Buy everyone is too busy to see.

One day I won't have time to be lonely.
And people will have to make appointments in order to meet with me.

the internet was invented as a means for people who get lonely late at night to cope.
can a website cure your loneliness?
can a URL fix the virus in your heart?

And even if you didn't want me anymore, I wouldn't regret wanting you.
Because who can blame me for wanting to touch something perfect

Hello.
You already told me that.
You're so pretty I kind of hate you for it.
Stop talking.
I don't care.
Do you wanna hang out?
I miss you.
Please don't go.
I'm sick of crying over you.
Is it something I said?
You're just like my father.
Sorry.
What do you want me to do?
You're mean.
I thought you'd call.
What you said kept me up all night.
I'd rather you didn't do that.
You're good at hurting me.
What happened?
I don't believe you.
I hate you.
Leave me alone.
Stop.
Goodbye.

I've started saving up,
started saving so one day I can come be with you.
Saving up some money,
saving up some time.

One day i'll have saved a fortune
and a big chunk of my time
and i'll spend all that fortune on you
and i'll spend that chunk of time with you.

And i'll go broke,
but i'll be smiling
i'll be smiling cause of you.

Advice is a funny thing.
Always given, but never taken.
Advice is obvious.
"Don't do that."
"Trust your heart."
"Sometimes you have to learn the hard way."

Everyone is qualified
to tell you things you already know.
But I'd rather someone unqualified tell me something I didn't.

Go sit in the corner and think about what you did.
So I sit.
And I think.
Because that's what you do in time out.

most of the time I don't even want to like people
and I'm not completely sure why.

don't talk to me.
go away.
leave me alone.

....................................

I didn't mean it.
come back.
I need you.

Self destructive
Is my middle name.
I forgot its not safe to be in love if you're not numb

I could drink,
but what would I do when I sobered?
I could smoke,
but what would I do when the haze subsides?
I could cry,

I never want to forget the fear associated with being completely in love with someone
Or boat rides I took with my dad and sister where we all lied to ourselves for thirty minutes.
The salty air demanded our smiles, stole the laughter straight out of our mouths.

I never want to forget the new years eve when I drank so many mimosas I couldn't stand up and watched you fall asleep in the closet of a stranger's house.
We were both so drunk and it was perfect.

I never want to forget that I promised myself I'd be happy, and that the opposite of happy isn't alone.

I can feel my heartbeat in my fingertips
as I read back through yesterday's journal entry.

I want to stand under the spray of the shower with all my clothes on.
Perhaps while the water is cold
to give me a thrill.

It's like lying with your head beneath the blanket
just long enough to labor your breathing.
How long are you willing to bare the discomfort?

How long can you hold your breath?

Death and dancing
In the night
Never ending
Until there is
Light.

I met a boy.
I mean I didn't meet him like in person or anything.

Let me start over.

I know a boy.

There is a point at every party
where I look at myself if the mirror
and realize how drunk I am.

Then I laugh because I don't recognize myself.

Dating is a test trial marriage.
Break-ups are practice for divorce.

I remember the exact moment it happened.
The moment when I realized
This thing we had
Was SOMETHING.
I remember the way
You glanced down at your shoes
And professes your love
With a glance.
And then I was yours.
Now here we are.

Maybe that's why I don't have a mom.
Maybe she wouldn't like me much either.

Love is not loving the perfect person.
(Anyone can do that.)
Love is loving an imperfect person, perfectly.

You haven't gotten less perfect;
I'm just becoming more aware of the fact that I have.

I played my part well
until I opened my mouth that is.
                                    It always got me into trouble.
I'd cried on the inside so long
                                                  I was beginning to d
                                                               ­                        r
                                                             ­                            o
                                                               ­                              w
                                                               ­                                 n.

there's this game she likes to play where she talks to people and in the most subtle way possible, tries to tell them she's dying.

it's funny because she's dead by the time they notice.

I have you in my heart,
and you occupy my head,
now all I need is you in my bed.

Torturous.
Surrendering yourself.
Being brave enough to give someone the power to hurt you.
And loving them all the same when they do.

It's okay it's okay.
Everyone is always saying that
And now the words have no meaning at all.
Ironic how everyone  says it's okay
Most often when it's not.
Even if things were "okay"
I wouldn't believe you.
I don't believe myself when the word
Repeats in my head.
Tell me things are good.
Hell, tell me they are bad
before you tell me they're okay.

I don't want to be okay.
I want to be perfect or I want to be dead.
Which is easier?

*okay.

No girl sets out to be the type of woman that needs a man.
Yet here we are.
In a man's world, run by little boys.

I just want
what everybody wants.

It just took me a while to realize I can't have it.

I'm sorry for the things I said
I'm sorry for not loving you
The way you needed me to
But I loved you the best I could.
Honest.

And I can't stop this thing my mind does.
This constant battle of what I want versus what I need.
What I want versus what I get.

I used to write down the things worth remembering.
The things I'd rather die than forget.
But now those things are in a box;
a box I don't open.

I've remembered enough.