I like being understood by you
It's a rare experience for me
I want to understand you too
But if you wanted to be understood
You would be

all alone
in the infinite darkness
I reach out my hand

I was always different
in my own infinite little ways
and though I am still very strange
the way I live my life has changed

now I have many different friends
who like me how I really am
and do not ask me to pretend
they listen and they understand

but often even now
I am around people who aren't like that
and every now and then
I feel like I am that weird kid again

but then with my real friends
I am so happy to come back
I hope I never will forget
how much it matters to have friends like that

I had forgotten
day by day
there was a world beyond this labyrinth
until you lit a fire
and lit up a whole world of stars

a sea of half-remembered echoes
whispers through these halls
but in this darkness
I will walk through walls
just to follow the fire

practice being kind
for the next ten thousand hours
be kind to yourself

if I can feel it
for someone else

it isn't love
it's loneliness

that makes me wish
that you would stay

that makes me blue
when you're away

a carnival of animals
all flesh and bone and pheromone

can't categorize our chemicals
so guess at words

like love
and home

I see the future
I see my whole world in flames
and I look away

I am moving
through emptiness

building a bridge
in front of me
as I walk

I taught myself to read
to understand other people
to feel empathy

I taught myself to see how they feel
to understand why they believe
what they believe

I taught myself to dream
a world where I could be free

I taught myself to be me

I taught myself that
it's OK to learn
OK to burn
OK to scream

I taught myself that it's OK to curse
OK to be worse than someone else on the team

I taught myself to forgive monsters
and the hard world that sharpened their teeth

I taught myself that
everyone cries
everyone lies
everyone dies
everyone deserves to be alive
even me

but the idea that I deserve to be loved
completely
is still just out of reach
for some reason
that's the hardest idea for me to teach

like Heaven
it's something I wish
I could just close my eyes and believe

it's not that easy

but I WILL find a way
one day

you'll see

lift the veil
and let you know
every savage part of me
ride the night
the storm below
let the animal be free

I wander
but do not forget
I wonder
do you see it yet?

it is kismet
it is fate
I am patient
I will wait

woman is a noun
not a verb

a woman is more than a word
more than you heard

a woman is more than a shape
more than a face

a woman is a person
not a thing
or an idea
or a place

everywhere I go
I leave pieces of myself
and receive others

maybe I'm brave enough
maybe I'm strong enough
maybe I'm worthy
after all

give me the chance
and give me the power
that is the only way to know

I want to be the sign
at the center of your sky

I want to be your lullaby
I want to be your night

I want to give you what you want
Tonight and every night
I want to shine

I want to be a diamond in your light

you're us
it's true

and we are you
the same bright blue

the same stardust

sometimes you're you
that's OK too

but as we know and trust
you're us

if you are quite still
you can almost hear
the sound of machines

of fear
of chaos
of hell

voices in his head
telling him to ****
and by force of will
to build
an empire of the dead

sacrifice it all
this time no one wins
even those left standing when
the dominoes fall

life is a candle
in the hand of a madman
and if you are still you can
feel the Earth tremble

I see the world
unraveling
the future
hanging by a thread

I try to memorize the spring
I hope I never will forget

the joy and hope
of innocence
new life
in the trees
on the ground

I try to walk
the Fool's calm steps
to face the sky
and not look down

my love for you
has grown
deep into my soul

that's the truth

I want to climb it
high into the sky

and at the same time
I want to tear it out
by the root

I'm tired of playing the fool
waiting for you
wasting my youth
chasing you
lost in space
like a wild goose chasing the Moon

I'm tired of wasting my time
hating you
when I'm the one who keeps choosing to lose
choosing to water a vine with no fruit

but my soul has grown too
it has grown around you

and you are oh so close to the core
evermore
too deep for me to move

we've read this story
we know how it ends

we learn this lesson
again and again

time after time
after time till the end

till no one learns anything
ever again

this experiment was done
not so very long ago
it showed us the way that we
do whatever we are told

they believed they gave him shocks
until he made no more sound
even those who walked away
did not try to shut it down

I think that it goes to show
who we really are inside
not just "them" but all of us
who pretend we could decide

we want to believe that we
have some different kind of brain
NO ONE TRIED TO SHUT IT DOWN
and we follow just the same

we do not love war
for war does not love

we bear our own life
we share our own blood

our power runs deep
deeper than your sword

silence is our violence
we do not need yours

can you feel it

the tension
of the uncertain

a faint electric current
just under the surface
a half second deep

and half sleeping we keep
our third eye
on the timeline

waiting
for the silence to break

she cannot speak
except to growl
to howl
to moan
to shriek

her words
her world
are meat and bone
eyes and thighs and teeth

she races like a wolf
through her sleep
she chases dreams
schemes
pieces of memories
like sheep

I reach out
with my words

does she understand me?

I feel her snarl
across my teeth

life runs deep
and talk is cheap

I have also crawled

Claw on wall
Out of that place

Let me light your way

you hate people
with your whole heart
for what they say
not what they do

you say
I have to hate them too

why is hatred so important to you?

in town
I was surprised to see
the first pink blooms
a cherry tree

so pretty

I was not prepared

I stopped and smiled
I stood and stared

I know we want
to get revenge
but wouldn't we
be just like them

get back at them
talk smack at them
react
and turn our backs on them

this is how everybody thinks
this is how everybody sinks

there is no balancing
the scales

this is how everybody fails

I dreamed that I
was on the Moon

I looked into the sky

where the Sun shined
through ink black night
by the Capricorn sign

and near the Sun
in perfect haunting blue
so still and bright

I saw our world
up in the sky
with all the other lights

I felt it all
to see our planet
so far and so small

I felt that I
was in the sky
I felt that I could fall

with a jolt to the solar plexus
I thought to myself

"That is the Earth
where I belong

and I am somewhere else"

my mind is empty
my heart is full

I love my family and my friends
I sense a new journey about to begin

I am at the balance point

if I ever chose to die
I would never explain why

instead of let my friends
my mother
blame themselves
the world
each other

I would leave no trace
no note
an accident
that's all she wrote

I feel that I can tell you this
because I have chosen
to live

a veil of ice
across my soul
so I control
how much you know

a smooth façade
a cool veneer
that isolates me
from my fear

I am afraid
when you get close
can you see into me?
almost

if you are warm
the ice will break
and take you
to the strangest place

I miss my family
and my friends
I am so far away from them

I hope I'll see them all again
next year

I am so lonely here

each day I try to play a role
in our society

to mimic an image
of what I think they want to see

but deep down
I am savage
I am wild
my soul has teeth

and time and time again
I try to hide that side of me

how could I ever find someone
to love me as a whole

the monsters in my mind
and the maelstrom of my soul?

through all my doubt
I dare to hope
to meet the one someday

who sees the demons in my eyes
and does not look away

slim silhouettes
of onyx trees
the sky is like
a silver sea

light fills the clouds
and overflows
like angels' wings

our brightest stone

I read a poem called God Apparition

and it made me think of this question

Have you ever encountered God?

And what can you tell me about that experience?

The Sun is my clock
And the planets my candles
They shine through the darkness
And into my eyes

The stars are my compass
The Moon is my calendar
When I have questions
I look at the sky

I don't know why
till I look at the sky
I cry and I cry and I cry
only the Moon
only the Moon
drawing my pain like a tide

only the time
only the time
and in time I will forget
until I see
the same Moon again
shining one sign to the left

I think there is something missing
in my head
the way I think
and it makes it hard to obey
even those who wield much power

I think I'm still much the same way
although I have learned to cope
I find ways into submission
lead myself through
proper channels

as a small child I thought this was
why no one could ever love me
and instead of learn to obey
I learned to lose hope

now that I am older
and I have seen the true face of power
I have learned
obedience
is the world's cruelest joke

I just want to dream about
someone who I can step back from

reach out with imagination
and not with my soul

let myself fall into orbit
knowing I can keep my distance

synchronize with your vibrations
not with your control

we are made                                                        of nothing
nothing brought                                           to light
   the dark that fell                    upon the stars  
the darkness               brought to life
in an infinite                   regress
the mind cannot       unwrap
we are made of emptiness
we are                      gods




  of the gaps

God is the creator
Power is its face

Life is the destroyer
That lays its world to waste

Inch by inch
Life creates life
From what it has destroyed

As God without a single thought
Obliterates the void

I wish I believed
that there was more
to sacrifice for
eternal reward

I wish I believed
that if I believe
the angel of death
pass over my door

Close my eyes
Open my mind

I want to understand

Time

A voice says
"I am in all things"

Bright violet light
In my third eye

my mind is a twisted frame
I do not know what to say
all the                    feelings
kept                       inside
are too          tangled
to       transcribe
  undending
    place with        no  
           escape             I do not         
   understand        its shape  
will this illusion disappear
  if my confusion becomes clear?