every day I judge myself
too this, too that
not good enough

but I know
I am not impartial
I'm not qualified to judge

but if not me, then who?
since I'm the only one that I can't lie to
if I'm honest
that is just another layer of denial

and who gave me this idea
that I should be judged by people?
people judging people
people who invented good and evil

or is that older than us?
animals know who they love
I think they understand blame
I think they understand shame

we give it more than a name
we give it so much power
sometimes we give it everything
and we are given
in exchange

someone to name
someone to blame
someone to hurt
someone to shame

an echo chamber full of hate
a broken mirror in a frame

I guess I am afraid
that if I treat myself
with more respect
the mob will turn on me
with one voice

"HOW DARE YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF?"

as if they care about me
right?
they must have bigger fish to fry
some people set the world on fire
some people commit genocide

so what would really happen
if one day I just stopped judging me
telling me I'm too this, too that, not good enough
and let me be

and build a real alliance with myself
built on trust
built on love

don't need to be
better than me

good enough is good enough

.

there is a place inside where I hide my desire
power                                                my rage
can I admit                                  I am the one
who put myself          L           inside this cage
sometimes I see          E        the world outside
as through the glass    T             as from within
but other times                                I am aware
that I am outside         M                    staring in
at this creature             E       who dares to want
to stand her ground            and make demands
her eyes say                O      I will bring a storm
and turn this glass       U             back into sand
and I can feel it            T                    in my soul
I do not know                                how to react
I am afraid                                     to look away
I cannot turn my back on that

just a pawn
changed my fate with five small steps
I am something else

when our number's up
we go where souls find slumber
in a run-on run of none and not and nothing

where the sky is broad and high
and deep and humbling
where the tumbleweeds
come dumb and drunk and stumbling

and the pick-up trucks are rusted
done and dusted
in the dusty sun
that stuns dunes and drumlins

stone strewn with rubble
some forgotten struggle
where the temples have crumbled
and the gods have been humbled

wind grumbles and mumbles
like some drunken slumlord
at the gutter rats that huddle
in his muddled penumbra

and the threads that time is woven of
are tangled and jumbled
like vines in a jungle
and rhyme and reason teeter and tumble

and the stunning starry sky
falls down and stumbles
lays a stone on the tomb
of the lost and forgotten

when our blood is dust
no us and no other

no struggle
no trouble

just a lot of nothing

I know that you
don't understand
why I'm still mad
after all this time

so maybe I should tell the truth
so you don't have to
be confused

I know you went
behind my back
and lied
and tried to have me fired!

I felt so afraid
I felt so betrayed
and you never said sorry
so I never forgave you

and now you think you made it right
cause you found someone else to fight

you think it's water under the bridge
hell no
it's not over
it's the whole **** river

and you can deliver
those same old lines
about how everyone you bully
somehow started the problem

and you can try to be my friend

but I'll never trust you
ever again

sometimes I can
will my fury away
I can
push down my tears
ignore pain
vivisect my shame

I don't know what to do with fear

I feel it
how it clenches at my guts
how it speeds up my heart

it t t twitches in my face
I feel it pulling me apart

I know it is counterproductive
only hurts my chances
I tell myself to calm down

I can't

that only makes me feel more anxious

only makes my breath more shallow
only makes my heart beat faster
only I can help me
but

I can't

this is a disaster

I am too afraid
I am too afraid to trust myself
too afraid to trust the process
too afraid to ask for help

too afraid to ask
but
I need help
is a statement of fact

I need help

I am here
to find out what to do with fear

sometimes I think of how I was
and wish that I was still so young

but then I think back with my heart
remember how it really was

I was so angry

I was scared

I was confused and insecure

I saw enemies everywhere

I was naive and immature

but I'm not sure who I would be
if I had never earned my scars

if I had learned more easily
and earlier
or not at all

I don't know if I would
or could
change something
if I could go back

if I had made a different choice
maybe I'd still believe in that

and if I had been wiser
maybe then I would have never failed

or gained the courage that can only come
from fighting tooth and nail

if I had made no such mistake
how different my life would be

I would not recognize myself
and you would not recognize me

and though I still get caught up in
I wish I had, I wish I hadn't

or I wish I had more time
or I wish I still looked like that

I guess I'm grateful for
all those mistakes that made me who I am

and just as grateful that
I do not have to be so young again