I want to know
why I'm afraid

was this choice
a mistake I made?

or was this brave
and necessary?

sometimes good things
can be scary

I don't know
where I am going

there is terror
in not knowing

all I know is
I am here

courage feels the same as fear

I just want to talk about
how I feel

I am confused
by what is real

I chased the truth
down a rabbit hole

and found out things
no one wanted to know

this is the truth:
I am afraid

of time
of the future

of mistakes I made

I'm afraid that I'm too lost
to find my way

afraid of someone I don't trust
I see every day

and that fear turns to anger
when I feel unsafe

I have to stay
I can't escape

a liar
a back biter
and a thief

didn't know my anger
could be this deep

and I have to keep on
moving on

even when I don't feel like
the rational one

reach out
and find out
I'm not alone

not much of a poem
only the bones

poetry is about telling the truth
all the fancy words we use
are just window dressing

who do I trust?
my inner voice?
what happens if I make that choice?

who do I trust?
are you my friend?
sometimes it's easy to pretend

who do I trust
to keep me safe?
one step from a knife in my face

who do I trust?
the government?
to what extent could I dissent?

I look around
and so many things are fake
that model has three hands
AI mistake

that model is a human
but I can't untangle
the lighting the filters the fillers
the edits the angles

they want me to compare
myself to that
to buy their diet pills
cause I think I'm fat

they want me to be
ashamed of myself
to not feel beautiful
without their help

while the algorithm
chases fame and youth
all along we're being told
different versions of the truth

and it makes us angrier
but also tamer
bouncing off the edges
of the echo chamber

performing to reflect
this invisible cage
we learn to conform
while they harvest our rage

and create a safe space
for the powers that be
the hands can't hit
what the eyes can't see

and the pied piper sings
such a catchy song
but my inner voice
says something is wrong

even as I learn to sing along
even as I use it to distract me from my problems

and the algorithm
has seen my soul
and it brings me things
that I want to know

to show me the stars
in a handful of dust

to show me something I can trust

caught in the middle
of an epic battle

one soul
but I cast two shadows

one wants pleasure
the other pain

feathered wings
and an iron chain

one tells me
to take and take

one tortures me
until I break

one tells me
I can't get enough

one tells me
I am not enough

I do not know
which one is wronger

they only make
each other stronger

and I see
my true soul under

shadows falling
on each other

so much rage
and where does it go?

I hope I am aware
enough to know

I split it into pieces
like a prism

and then I sublimate it
like an exorcism

I do my war dance
and sing angry songs

my rage is not alone
if I sing along

I play like a warlord
and yell at the game

I get my revenge
and I give them the blame

always trying to pull
this venom from me

the dangerous monster
I'm afraid to be

the dangerous person
that I am
underneath

this soft façade
that hides my teeth

defenselessness
that I pretend

afraid I will
offend my friends

afraid to hurt
afraid of pain

afraid of my own face
that's all the rage

maybe every writer wonders
what the reader reads

it's a window into me
but what do people see?

did I write it like I thought it?
did you read it like I said?

can you feel the rhythm
even when you read it in your head?

do you read it like a rap?
do you read it like a book?

do you sing it like a song?
do you only look?

do you hear it in your head?
is it someone else's voice?

Julie Andrews?
Morgan Freeman?
really it's your choice

do you think in pictures?
do you think in sound?

if there's no one around
do you read it out loud?

do you read it only once
or maybe two or three times?

do you analyze the meaning?
do you focus on the rhyme?

and I'm sure that you know I'm
overthinking like I always do

you saw my soul
so I try to stare back into you

and understand how much of me
you could have understood

I would read your mind
if I only could