There's a shirt at the store.
A beautiful blue shirt
Cerulean, like his eyes.

It reminds me of him.

Everytime I see it
I fold it up
And try not to worry.

He's leaving this week.
To the desert,
Where there's danger
And guns
And war.

I know he stays on base.
I know he can handle himself.

But when I see that shirt
It reminds me of him
And it reminds me
That my brother is leaving again
And that I've never been as close to him
As I want to be
And that I've never seen eyes as blue as his
And that, again
He's going away.

Pop-reggae in my brain
Fan buzzing in my ear
Music down the hall...
Which should I focus on?

Nothing came to me today.
No phrase, no
Juxtaposition of words
Sat my mind
And made me pay attention.
Today is the first day I am meant to be an adult.
Now I have bills
And checks
And balances.
Why did none of it seem important?

It's your turn to work.
For a year
I have shuttled my life
Backandforth
Backandforth
For you.
To see you.
But now it's your turn.
You can come see me.
Use your gas
Use your time
I can't do all the work
All the time.

This is supposed to be equal.

Also, get a job
And get some independence.
It's time to be an adult.

I don't think that she believes she's beautiful.
I mentioned
Under the influence of alcohol
Under a flood of familial emotion
That she's always been the pretty one.
It wasn't meant as a compliment
Just something to cheer her up.
A reminder.
Facts are not compliments.
But her reaction astounds me
Confuses me.
How could she not know?
Every woman has doubts
Self esteem issues
Different thoughts on beauty
But I always thought she was the base
And therefore knew all.
But I guess she doesn't.

She's always been a beacon of normalcy
The lighthouse I aim for
When I try to socialize
When I try to look acceptable.
I know I can't reach her level
But she is what I aim for.
My petite
Thin
Blonde
Beautiful sister.
Funny
Intelligent
Easy going.
She's always had friends
And boys
And a life I never even thought I could achieve.
Not because it was particularly amazing
But because it was so beautifully normal.
She is what I've always tried to become
And always known that I could never measure up to.

What's this mean for me now?

It wasn't a big deal.
He just asked for some help
Can you help me find this shirt
Can you let me in the dressing room
Can you fit me for a jacket.
But I was petrified.
Terrified.
What if I do it wrong
What if I say the wrong thing
What if I upset him.
What will happen?

In reality, nothing.
but in my mind
Everything I am frightened of.
In my mind
I am burning.

******* does not appeal to me.
According to the masses
It is a delicious experience
With only bliss and comfort involved.
To me
It is awkward
Uncomfortable
And fruitless.

When your face descends
My mouth puckers up
My eyes close
And I just try to not offend you.