normally if its a rainy day
i would be sad
unmotivated
unproductive
and impatiently waiting for the sun

but today its pouring
and there is thunder and lightning
but somehow I'm the happiest I've ever been
because of you

even though the weather is unhappy
i am beaming
you make me the sun in a storm
and i know this is the cheesiest thing you will ever read
but its true

you're my sun
in the eye of the hurricane

you're my warmth
when the cold water hits my skin

you're my glow
when the sky is grey
and filled with despair

its raining
and all i want to do is
smile

you used to drop everything
you used to hug me for days
you used to like listening to me vent to you
you used to always find time for me
you used to brag about me to all of your friends
you used to bring me flowers
you used to surprise me
you used to take me on dates
you used to enjoy our time together

now i come last
now i force hugs on you
now you never listen
now you're always too busy for me
now you complain about me
now you say flowers are a waste of money
now everything is expected
now we never go out
now we fight

i don't know what to do
can you please help me
figure this out
i want this
i hope you do to
but i don't know
if we can

reach out
thats all i want
reach out to me
are we in this
forever
are we making a mistake
are we sticking through this
what are we doing

i need you to talk to me
what is happening
i always feel like I'm out of the loop
now
but
i want this
i think

i don't want to lose you
everything reminds me of you
i love you
i want only you
but I'm scared
that I'm the only one who wants this
the way that i do
so tell me
what do we do
now
time is almost out
so tell me if so are we

i wanted to go back to my old room so bad.
because of the colours of the walls,
the view from the window,
and the memories of my mom.

the memories are the exact reason why i should never go back into that room.
its my past self.
never go back.
always move forward.

that room holds secrets.
secrets i cannot tell and secrets that have been told.
i was suicidal in that room.
i even attempted suicide in that room.
i wrote my suicide notes and cried myself to sleep in that room.
i was physically and emotionally abused by my father in that room.

my current room is when i shed a layer of myself
and began to see that i needed more help than i thought.
and thats really the first step.
the most important step.
the hardest and tallest step.
realizing you're more ****** up than you ever thought you were. but realizing it in a way that makes you want to change for the better.

But it's also amazing.
Because I met him.
The first guy to ever meet my family.
The first guy to ever see me dance
for the final time.
It's surreal in a way,
but I don't want this feeling to ever leave my soul.
I'm happy,
and he makes me happier.
I admit,
he doesn't know a lot about me,
but that day will come.
And when it does,
I'll know if he's the one.

so you wanted a rose tattoo
but you never got one
you thought eventually you would
but not now
you thought you had time

but you never got one
because eventually never came
and now meant ever
we thought you had time

you were in the hospital bed
chemo always keeping you company
but you knew that hospital bed wouldn't be there soon
and now you're in the clouds

my cousin wanted a tattoo
but she couldn't decide what to get
you told her just get one already
because life is too short to not do what you want

one week later
you were gone
we were broken
and you looked over all of us

my cousin listened to you
she got that tattoo
so that you're always with her
oh those angel wings

you wanted a rose tattoo
just on your ankle
but you never got it
because time ran out

you never got the chance
to truly do what you wanted
to be wild
and feel free

so I'm getting a rose tattoo
just on my ankle
because next summer
it will be 10 years

10 years ago
you told my cousin to live her life
10 years ago
your life was taken

so mom,
I'm getting a rose tattoo
with your birth date
going up along the stem

the stem will be dark green
with thorns
but the rose will be red
and fully bloomed

because you didn't have a great past
but i know you're free now
something rough
can become smooth

so i want a rose tattoo
and I'm getting it next summer
because 10 years ago
my mom didn't live out her life like she wanted
so i will for her

i'm a **** up
i guess we'll just start there
i pushed all my friends away
and now i have no one

i spend my days off sitting on my bed alone wondering where the **** i went wrong
how did i stray so far from the path
and how the **** do i get back?

i let everyone down
without even meaning too
but more importantly,
i let myself down the most

i didn't think any of this would happen
but i guess thats where the main problem lies
i didn't think

i wasn't prepared
and i wasn't myself
i did what i thought i wanted
and neglected my friends and my priorities in the process

I'm always trying to live up to the standards
that are my sisters
but **** do i ever feel lost

for once i wanted to be known and appreciated
but wow be careful for what you wish for
because i was definitely known
but for all the wrong reasons

I've learned my lesson
but theres still many more to come
i just wish i didn't lose everyone so fast

yes, i still make really stupid decisions
and i really wish i didn't
but thats why I'm a **** up
because i do the same thing over and over even after knowing how it will end

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Anemia
Thyroid
Lordosis
Scoliosis
Diabetes
Asthma
Depres­sion
Anxiety
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

This is my brain
This is my iron
This is my back
This is my pancreas
This is my lungs
This is my mind
This is my experience
This is my health
This is me

Not having perfect health
Is nothing to be ashamed of
It is something to be proud of
Look, I have so much going on
And I am still here
Standing tall
Taking life day by day
Getting through school
And work
While dealing with all of this

No one has perfect health
And if they do,
They are lying

Life was not meant to be easy
Life was not meant to be a breeze
Life was not meant to be clear
Or make sense
We may question life
We may question a higher power
We may even question ourselves
But
Just keep pushing
Because I believe anyone can get through anything
When the
Proper health
Is provided

I am not a doctor
I am a student
Who is young
And has her whole life ahead of her
IF she remains healthy
I am not educated on the human body and its functions
But I know
From experience
That hardships come
And that effects you
Physically
And emotionally
I am not a doctor
But I am here
And I am spreading my word
And offering my shoulder
To those who want or need it

This is me
This is my health
This is my experience
This is my mind
This is my lungs
This is my pancreas
This is my back
This is my iron
This is my brain

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Anxiety
Depression
Asthma
Diabetes
Scoliosis
Lordosis
Th­yroid
Anemia
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

This is me
This is us

To my future daughter,


       I'll be there when you learn how to crawl, stand and eventually walk.

       I'll be there when you start preschool, kindergarten, high school and university.

       I'll be there when you lose your first tooth and when you lose your last.

       I'll be there when you need help with your homework and choosing a career path.

       I'll be there when you have your first crush, first kiss, and first love.

       I'll be there when you have your first heartbreak and your last.

       I'll be there when you just need to cry, talk, or even just hug.

       I'll be there when you graduate high school and when you graduate university.

       I'll be there when you're moving boxes and furniture into your own place.

       I'll be there when you get engaged and I'll be there in the pew looking at my beautiful daughter get married.

       I'll be there when you move into your own house and when you can't carry all the boxes.

       I'll be there when  you have your first child and your last.

       I'll be there when you just want to go out for some breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

       I'll be there whenever you want, wherever you want, and however you want.



       To my beautiful daughter,

       I'll be there.

i feel worse now
than i did last year

it didn't hit me until several hours later
but a year later and its hitting me even harder

i don't know who to talk to
i don't know how to move on

my dad can't know what happened
but his brother knows

because its happened to him
and no one else knows that

except for me
and my siblings

its so ****** up

how someone could do that to another person

and then go on completely fine
as if nothing happened
as if they have done nothing wrong
as if they haven't ruined someones life over their decisions

i just don't know what to do anymore

i thought i could do this
but I've become weaker and weaker
as the days go on

i want to cry
and break down

but i have classes to attend
and my health to keep up with

i don't even know if its all worth it anymore

i want to give up
but at the same time i want to keep going

i want a future
with my soulmate
and kids

but i want to give up now because part of me thinks i can't do it
i can never move on from this
and deal with this properly

I think it's coming back
My scary thoughts
My burning temptations
And as I sink further into this couch
I want to sink even further
I don't know what's wrong with me
I know what makes me sad
But I don't know why it makes me this sad
Why do things keep happening to me
It's never ending
And I don't understand why
Why can't I just go on with my life
Why do I crave sad songs and lasting tears
And why do I have to feel sad to feel inspired
Why can't I be inspired when I'm happy

I always feel restrained
I crave outside
I crave the sky, the wind, the birds, and the trees
I wish I could write with my eyes closed
To truly write what I see, feel, fear, and dream of
I want to float into the sky
But at the same time I want to sink to the bottom of the ocean
Because I want to be free
But I don't know if that means living or dying
I want things to make sense again
I want to make sense again
They don't get it
Sometimes I don't even get it
My mind is so confusing that I have to take a breath
And try to move forward with it

Why does the ocean floor feel so inviting
Why do the dark nights and empty spaces give me so much peace
I like being alone
I like not wanting to see anyone
I take steps back and watch everyone ahead of me
I try to figure out what's going on
And why I am so different
But I can never seem to figure it out
And I know life was never meant to be easy or simple
But I know life was never meant to be empty or dangerous

I'm dangerous
I need to escape my mind
Because it controls everything I do
And that's the problem with human bodies
Mind over matter always wins
And by the time we realize what matters
It's too late
My mind always wins
But I always lose

you hurt me
like no one else has
you were the last person
i thought would ever do this

I've been hurt before
but not by you
until now
until this

you're just like them
and i hate saying that
but i hate what you did more

you are my love
my life
my everything
the one i was going to spend my life with
but you ****** up
oh man did you **** up
so bad

and now i don't know what to do
with myself
or you
with us

i take myself out of the situation
and i have my answer
but i am in it
and so my answer changes

i think if this were a movie
id be yelling at the girl to leave
but its me
and so I'm saying stay

i am in love with you
but i know my worth
you say you're sorry
i don't know what to believe

you lied to my face
and broke my heart
you broke my trust
and all i could do was cry in your arms

lemonade album is on repeat
and i can't get you out of my mind
or my sight

i have never been so confused
on which path to take
what will i regret doing
leaving
or staying

i regret introducing you to my family
i regret showing you my heart and mind
i regret moving in with you
i regret our love

you broke my heart
and i don't know what to do
you're just like them
"it won't happen again"
"I'm sorry"
"i don't know what i was thinking"

but they were never the ones
you were the one
but i don't think you can be the one
anymore
you ****** up
more than you think
and no one even knows

no one knows the tears i cry
the notes i make
the pages i fill
the mind i attack
the heart I'm trying to rebuild

everything you did
turned to ****

i walk alone now
something i thought id never have to do again
i stand alone
and i will rise alone

so im sitting here on my bedroom floor
wondering what you're doing
and what you're thinking.
because i cant get you out of my mind.
i cant get what happened out of my mind.
you changed my life.
my whole world was flipped upside down.
everyday is a struggle.
I’m constantly scared.
i cant think. i cant walk.
i can't be happy.
its hard to move forward.
but what are you doing?
what are you thinking?
did this affect you in any way at all?
are you able to get through each day as if nothing happened?
did you tell anyone what happened?
how do you live with yourself?
i want to know if you can ever touch someone you love
knowing what you did to me.
i know you did it to someone else right after me.
how could you?
did you do it to someone else before me too?
what is your motive?
why are you doing this to innocent women?
what is your problem?
my problem is you but what is yours?

why do you write
to float.
to soar
to explore my own thoughts
to explore the skies
the grass
the corners
and alleys
every crevice of my mind.

i write to learn
i write to be happy
i write to let off steam
i write to float off
and dream
of skies that are purple and pink
the grass that is blue and brown
the people that are pink
the skin that is changing

i write to create new things
create new worlds
create new rules

i write all the rules away
i write all my fears away
i write to choose my world
the one that is chosen for me
cannot control what i write
they cannot influence what i write
i write
and write
because I can
I can do whatever I want when I write

I can float
And writing is the only thing that can lift me
And that is why I write

i don't understand
how you can go on
like nothing happened
i want to know
is it killing you inside?
because it killed me
you killed me
my spirit is gone
and you took it
why?
why'd you do it?
im shattered
and you walked it off
like you are innocent
but we both know
you're not
and now I'm dead
my body is functioning
but my mind
is long gone
like my spirit
i screamed
but you held my mouth shut
i cried
and tried to wipe away
the tears
but i wonder
do you not see me
as a person
or someone with a family
why'd you do it?
why'd you **** me?
what are you thinking?
does it **** you?
does it circulate your brain
over and over
and over?
is it all you think about?
does it make you cry
at all times of the day
does it make you proud
are you tough now?
are you macho?
tell me
why you thought
you could hold me down
and pry my legs open
while still covering
my mouth
so that no one could hear
i want to know
why?

i like the way you feel my skin after i take off all my makeup
i like the way the pillowcase wrinkles after you get up
i like the way you curl into a ball as you sleep
i like the way you smile at me when you wakeup
i like the way you pull me closer in the middle of the night
i like the way the sheets move when you sleep
i like the way you toss and turn when you’re trying to find a comfortable spot
i like the way you shed your beard hairs onto the pillow
i like the way you kiss me every time you wake up in the night
i like the way you always make sure the fan gets to me too
i like the way you always make sure i have water to drink for when I’m thirsty during the night
i like the way you always tuck me into bed
i like the way you hold me close
i like the way you kiss me when the sun rises
i like the way you never leave me without a kiss and hug goodbye
i like the way you always ask how i slept
i like the way you hug me even when I'm mad
i like the way you kiss my forehead as we argue
i like the way you accept me for me

you don't know that i write poems
i never told you
its been five months
and you don't know anything about me really
you don't know that I've been in love
you don't know my troubles
or how i conquered them
you don't know what saved me
you don't know what i value
or my favourite food
or that my favourite colour is pastel green
you don't even know my middle name
or the reason why its my middle name
you don't know my siblings names
or how my mom died
you don't know my best friends
or what i want to be
you don't my deepest thoughts
or what i love to do on my own
you don't know about me
or my health
or how all i really want is a family
and how i want to name my daughter melody
or why
you don't know that i took skating lessons
and swimming lessons
and soccer
and drums
and dance
or how i used to play the recorder and i hated every second of it
you don't know that i used to write stories as a kid
or how i used to paint my troubles away
you don't know my passions
my wants
my needs
my feelings and thoughts
you don't know what music i listen to
or the way i like my coffee
you don't know the little things that make me
me
you don't know me
and its been five months
that we've been together
if you don't know those things by now
then you won't ever get to know everything about me
because you don't care enough to ask
or pay attention to detail
and i can't be with someone
who doesn't want to be with someone they know
im not sorry though
nor do i feel bad
i just feel like a lot of time has been wasted
and i owe it to myself to make the most out of life
because life really is too short to spend it on someone who won't be there in the end

you don't know what its like
to go through what I've been through

you don't know what its like
to wake up as a kid and not have a mom

you don't know what its like
to be sent away for a year from your own father

you don't know what its like
to want to **** yourself and have no one there to stop you

you don't know what its like
to go days without eating and still think you're overweight

you don't know what its like
to be so anxious that you can't leave your bed

you don't know what its like
to be left with bruises from your father

you don't know what its like
to be told you're worthless by family

you don't know what its like
to be screamed at for something you didn't even do

you don't know what its like
to fear going home after class

you dont know what its like
to be bullied your whole senior year of high school

you don't know what its like
to be ***** right before your graduation

you don't know what its like
to move away from home and be by yourself

you don't know what its like
not being able to afford your own medications

you don't know what its like
to have to drop out of school because your body is shutting down

you don't know what its like
to scream for help and no one even glance over

you don't know what its like
to go through what I've been through